Don't Shoot Me Anyone...

[ms_kenesha]

Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

Last night I was having thoughts of *gasp* relaxing my hair again!

And I can tell you that I was thinking this for all pure unalduterated vain reasons.
[*] Straight hair is the standard for black women, unless they've got a 3-1 hair type & in upsetting that standard...

[*] If I choose to find a new man, most black men are not feeling a natural haired woman unless A) her hair is a 3-1 hair type or B) her hair is really long and she keeps it in styles that mimic another hair type (twists, twist-outs, pressed, etc.)

So, then my brain tells me Kenesha you don't want any man that is not accepting of your natural hair. Then the lil devil on my shoulder is asking me, but how many men are/will be? Then my brain says Kenesha you'll be sublimating your beliefs and doing the one thing that you hate that other black women do, then the lil devil says "if you can't beat 'em...join 'em".

I just wanted everyone to know what I'm going through because I want to share ALL of my natural experience *the good and the bad*.

P.S. It's also not that I don't have men hitting on me with my natural hair, some do but the quality is poor. And I know that the quality could be poor even w/ relaxed hair, but it goes back to the OT board question does beauty=higher quality men and in a world where relaxed hair is considered beautiful and certain textures of natural hair, not so, it makes me wonder.

ETA: It didn't help that this weekend my mom kept asking me was I going to do anything to my hair other than twists and kept showing me pictures of myself with relaxed hair and asking are you EVER gonna wear your hair like this again?

 

[laketta]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

I go through this a lot. You are not alone. My press my hair as the solution because you have have both worlds whenever you choose.

 

[sengschick]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

So you think that twist-outs, knot setting etc. is just an attempt to mimic another hair type?

 

[so1913]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

I have these thoughts too, not necessarily for those reasons, but because I get so FRUSTRATED with trying to learn how to work with my natural texture...

 

[PretteePlease]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

i've been hit oh with my natural hair, i have found that the men hitting on me are more respectful though and seem to use the word "Sista" quite often. On the contrast i do seem to get much more attention with my type 3, 18in wig. not sure if it is the texture or the length(i think its the length.
as far as relaxing i have had the same thoughts, but would mimic type 4 hair with skinny straw sets. for me relaxing would be easier but my scalp has become really sensitive so i dont think it would work.
hey do what works for you and makes you happy.

 

[ms_kenesha]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

[ QUOTE ]
sengschick said:
So you think that twist-outs, knot setting etc. is just an attempt to mimic another hair type?

[/ QUOTE ]

No, but I think that when you do these type of styles you are more palatable to a society that doesn't embrace natural hair of certain hair types. The intent of the wearer is not what I was saying, but of the outside viewer.

 

[ms_kenesha]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

[ QUOTE ]
so1913 said:
I have these thoughts too, not necessarily for those reasons, but because I get so FRUSTRATED with trying to learn how to work with my natural texture...

[/ QUOTE ]

So, that's not EVEN my problem, caring for my natural hair is easy (to me) despite what people think about the "managebility" of natural hair.

 

[honey_jammz82]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

Ms_Kenesha, I feel what you are saying. My hair texture is a 3c, I think and I am natural, people tell me all the time that I should wear my hair straight. My own husband asks me to flat iron it, and bought me an expensive iron just for that. I get hit on way more with straight hair, and to be honest I feel more attractive with straight hair. I guess that I too, am giving in to society's idea of beauty, in a way?!

 

[Dolce_Dawn]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

Okay, I'm not gonna shoot you...

but can I slap you?

Don't you perm your hair! You haven't listed a good reason yet to perm. Until then I can't support you... Nuh-uh.

 

[sillygurl18]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

So would you rather stay natural? Their are loser men out there that are going to hit on you whether you are relaxed or natural, so why not do what makes you happy.

 

[ms_kenesha]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

[ QUOTE ]
Dolce_Dawn said:
Okay, I'm not gonna shoot you...

but can I slap you?

Don't you perm your hair! You haven't listed a good reason yet to perm. Until then I can't support you... Nuh-uh.

[/ QUOTE ]

What's a good reason to perm? If you ask me there are no real "good" reasons because they're all aesthetic. It's not like anyone has to perm for their health

I'm still up in the air as to whether I will or not, I just don't want to feel like I buckled under society's pressure.

 

[ms_kenesha]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

[ QUOTE ]
sillygurl18 said:
So would you rather stay natural? Their are loser men out there that are going to hit on you whether you are relaxed or natural, so why not do what makes you happy.

[/ QUOTE ]

Here's the thing; I know that in the grand scheme of things the way I choose to wear my hair is not going to make me happy or unhappy. Happiness has to come from within, blah, blah, blah

It's like a woman who gets a nose job or breast implants, will they really make her happier NO, but some things that may come as a result of that may bring her joy which in turn leads her to happiness. *Get what I'm saying or am I sounding like a lunatic*

 

[Shatani]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

well, girly...you got all the time in the world...the relaxers aint goin nowhere!! take the time to decide if its truly what you want, and if the reasons you posted are truly THAT important to you...ultimately, you need toke YOURSELF happy....
~T~

 

[ms_kenesha]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

Bumping for more responses/thoughts...

 

[sillygurl18]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

What joy will being relaxed bring YOU that natural hair won't. I'd hate for you to do something you MAY regret.

 

[so1913]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

[ QUOTE ]
ms_kenesha said:
[ QUOTE ]
so1913 said:
I have these thoughts too, not necessarily for those reasons, but because I get so FRUSTRATED with trying to learn how to work with my natural texture...

[/ QUOTE ]

So, that's not EVEN my problem, caring for my natural hair is easy (to me) despite what people think about the "managebility" of natural hair.

[/ QUOTE ]

Caring for my natural hair def. wasn't easy for me, it's been re-learned process since been so trained to care for processed hair. I think the fact that I didn't do the big chop, or didn't transition using styles like twist outs and so forth (I pretty much flat ironed and wrapped my hair and wore it straight the whole time) didn't allow me to get to know my hair as a grew it out. I'm getting the hang of it though.

I guess it's that society is so brain washed to think natural hair is BAD, especially some of our black men who equate beauty to long, straight hair. However, I do think with the new surge of black woman wearing and accepting their natural hair texture, it's becoming more accepted and is becoming desireable to many black men. I have a few male friends who are advocates of natural hair and think it adds to the natural beauty of black women. I personally don't have as many men "hitting" on me like I did in the past. But it doesn't bother me, I hate being "hit" on. I figure the ones that do approach me now are probably the ones that would be worth giving my time or attention.

I wouldn't make any physical or mental changes to attract any man, or to make family members or friends happy. These changes should be based personal growth and empowerment.

Also, God has already picked out our other half. He'll bring him to us as he has planned (I just wish it wouldn't take so long in my case!!!, lol). It's when we go on a search, and try to make that man appear that we come up short and with the loosers, lol.

 

[sengschick]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

[ QUOTE ]
ms_kenesha said:
[ QUOTE ]
sengschick said:
So you think that twist-outs, knot setting etc. is just an attempt to mimic another hair type?

[/ QUOTE ]

No, but I think that when you do these type of styles you are more palatable to a society that doesn't embrace natural hair of certain hair types. The intent of the wearer is not what I was saying, but of the outside viewer.

[/ QUOTE ]

Okay, I can accept than

. As far as your choice I give you a

b/c you haven't given me a strong enough argument

. You're working, getting promoted, doing well. So it's not an issue in your workplace. Which is a blessing we all don't have. Secondly, I wouldn't waste my time w/a man that couldn't love and respect my natural hair. I used to straighten my hair when it was natural, but I made sure the Mister was around on wash days and I had no shame. He thought it was so amazing b/c I don't think he'd seen natural kinky hair on a woman in his life!!! He would tell me constantly how beautiful it was and how I looked like Angela Davis

. Trust me, God didn't make a mate for you that required you to disregard your principles and beliefs

.

 

[Tracy]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

I agree with So1913 100%

I think you shouldn't relax unless you unequivocally know that YOU want to wear your hair straight MOST of the time.

The decision should come from the wearer - no outside.

I think you took a big step going natural and you should see that through until YOU KNOW that you prefer to wear your hair straight for aesthetic reasons of your own choosing - not someone elses.

If YOU think you are beautiful and acceptable with natural hair, your perfect mate will too - that won't be a problem as long as YOU'RE convinced.

As you know, I'm sure

, it's your inner confidence and self love that attracts a man to you, not your choice of hairstyle. Not when it'sa REAL attraction, anyway....

 

[blkbeauty]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

I am feeling the same way. Accept I am only a week being totally natural. Infact, I just wrote a post venting! I love my natural hair, but I am also seeing that some people do not and rather that I where my hair straight. And I feel that if I straighten my hair, just because of other people then that doesn’t make me an individual, with my own personal style, hair is just hair. But I am seeing that for many hair is political.

 

[Country gal]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

I understand how you feel, Ms. K. Sometimes I go back and forth on wheter to perm. For me I am tired of the do something to your hair comments. Also, if I want to be desirable to black men would they like my natural hair.These are things I am thinking about. Also my hair has a nice length to it with out perming. So I can imagine the length if it is permed.

 

[blkbeauty]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

I am feeling the same way. Accept I am only a week being totally natural. Infact, I just wrote a post venting! I love my natural hair, but I am also seeing that some people do not and rather that I where my hair straight. And I feel that if I straighten my hair, just because of other people then that doesn’t make me an individual, with my own personal style, hair is just hair. But I am seeing that for many hair is political.

 

[ms_kenesha]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

Sbaker, that is one thing I'm dealing with now, too shrinkage like a ****!!! When I stretch the hair on my temples *previously a very slow to grow area, too* it is chin length now, but wearing my hair in twists or out in a fro, my hair looks 1-2 inches.

 

[Dolce_Dawn]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

[ QUOTE ]
ms_kenesha said:
[ QUOTE ]
Dolce_Dawn said:
Okay, I'm not gonna shoot you...

but can I slap you?

Don't you perm your hair! You haven't listed a good reason yet to perm. Until then I can't support you... Nuh-uh.

[/ QUOTE ]

What's a good reason to perm? If you ask me there are no real "good" reasons because they're all aesthetic. It's not like anyone has to perm for their health

I'm still up in the air as to whether I will or not, I just don't want to feel like I buckled under society's pressure.

[/ QUOTE ]

The reason to perm is not strictly for esthetics for everyone; I perm primarily for convenience. I don't perm to fit into society's ideas of beauty, I just don't have a whole day to put aside for wrestling with my hair.

I agree w/sengschick and basically what she said is what I was trying to say. You're citing societal pressures and what men want in their blk women, but like I said earlier, you haven't given me a good REASON for YOU to perm. They sound more like excuses. I mean, I love ya to death, but I don't really see you perming b/c Amerikka says so. Or for no man. I haven't read it, but there's gotta be a passage on that in WMLB somewhere!

 

[ChoclatePrincess]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

[ QUOTE ]
sillygurl18 said:
So would you rather stay natural? Their are loser men out there that are going to hit on you whether you are relaxed or natural, so why not do what makes you happy.

[/ QUOTE ]

ITA.

 

[ms_kenesha]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

[ QUOTE ]
so1913 said:
[ QUOTE ]
ms_kenesha said:
[ QUOTE ]
so1913 said:
I have these thoughts too, not necessarily for those reasons, but because I get so FRUSTRATED with trying to learn how to work with my natural texture...

[/ QUOTE ]

So, that's not EVEN my problem, caring for my natural hair is easy (to me) despite what people think about the "managebility" of natural hair.

[/ QUOTE ]

Caring for my natural hair def. wasn't easy for me, it's been re-learned process since been so trained to care for processed hair. I think the fact that I didn't do the big chop, or didn't transition using styles like twist outs and so forth (I pretty much flat ironed and wrapped my hair and wore it straight the whole time) didn't allow me to get to know my hair as a grew it out. I'm getting the hang of it though.

I guess it's that society is so brain washed to think natural hair is BAD, especially some of our black men who equate beauty to long, straight hair. However, I do think with the new surge of black woman wearing and accepting their natural hair texture, it's becoming more accepted and is becoming desireable to many black men. I have a few male friends who are advocates of natural hair and think it adds to the natural beauty of black women. I personally don't have as many men "hitting" on me like I did in the past. But it doesn't bother me, I hate being "hit" on. I figure the ones that do approach me now are probably the ones that would be worth giving my time or attention.

I wouldn't make any physical or mental changes to attract any man, or to make family members or friends happy. These changes should be based personal growth and empowerment.

Also, God has already picked out our other half. He'll bring him to us as he has planned (I just wish it wouldn't take so long in my case!!!, lol). It's when we go on a search, and try to make that man appear that we come up short and with the loosers, lol.

[/ QUOTE ]

You're right it is more acceptable, but it's not that widespread.

And yes I know that a man worthy of my time & talents will be one who loves me for me, but everyone knows that the first step to attraction is looks and because of the way blacks are socialized the "natural look" is not gonna pull in as many men as the "straight look".

 

[GodMadeMePretty]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

I feel ya, Ms_K. I was just moaning to my husband the other night that I was going to have to perm my hair. Of course, I'm having MAJOR problems with the two textures. THe anemic, relaxed ends tangle like it's nobody's business while the pick just FLOWS through the virgin hair. I'm beginning to think that my hair has it ALL backwards.

My hair is just sooooo thick that it's VERY hard to put up. I think what pushes me forward is that my husband is EXTREMELY supportive of my going natural. His response to the tangles on the permed ends - "That lets you know that you should never have put a perm in in the first place."

My husband LOVES natural hair and he seems to have this misguided idea that everybody's hair can be the same silky texture if you take care of it. He says that he took care of natural hair longer than I did and he's right. His daughter was 12 before she got her first perm and he did all the combing. So guess whose going to be around every time I wash - DH. He even knows how to rollerset. Shoot, he was the one who first told me that you could rollerset natural hair and make it look almost like a perm. I got me a gem of a man. They do exist. Don't even fret yourself.

Can you do like Curves salon does and pull your twists down as you give them a shot of cold blow-dryer air? That should help with the shrinkage - so I'm told. I have absolutely no clue whether it works. I was kinda wanting someone on here to try it and tell me if it worked.

****Hint, hint, nudge, nudge*****

 

[Victorian]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

ms kenesha

I'm sorry about your dilemma, and I appreciate your posting on it for the sake of sharing all parts of your journey with us

Whenever I have to make tough decisions where I'm weighing the benefits and drawbacks of a few choices, I like to write it out on paper (well, these days I just type it, but you get the point). For some reason no matter how many times I go over something in my head I still can't "see" it the way I can when looking at it in black and white.

If I were you I'd first make a list of the reasons for going natural in the first place. Then list pros and cons for both choosing to remain natural, and for relaxing again. Take your time and really think about how you feel. In other words it should take more than 5 or 10 minutes. I mean you REALLY have to be totally honest about everything you're feeling. Just get it all out on paper (or screen), and when you think you've said all you can say, look at what you've written.

Some things will become apparent visually--you'll be able to see there are more pros than cons in one area, or more cons than pros. And when you look at the specific things you've written, you'll be able to see better which things you consider to be "good" arguments compared to other arguments which may seem less important now that you see them written. Ask yourself if would you feel more content with yourself if you stayed natural or if you relaxed. If you wait this out do you think this desire to relax would eventually go away or would it get worse? If you relaxed would you start thinking about the reasons you went natural in the first place and consider doing it again? Only you can know these answers.
I'm sure you value everyone here's opinions which is why you posted, but I really don't think your decision is for anyone to approve or disapprove. You don't need to give anyone else reasons that would be good enough for them. It's not their hair. However, I'm sure there are other naturals on the board who have gone through this and might be able to help you figure out if this is just a phase--a part of the process of getting used to your hair, or if you may just be better off relaxing. So I would ask others for their input and stories while keeping in mind that it's your own decision.

Good luck! I'm transitioning now and always like to read about stuff like this to help me along.

 

[ms_kenesha]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

[ QUOTE ]
Dolce_Dawn said:
[ QUOTE ]
ms_kenesha said:
[ QUOTE ]
Dolce_Dawn said:
Okay, I'm not gonna shoot you...

but can I slap you?

Don't you perm your hair! You haven't listed a good reason yet to perm. Until then I can't support you... Nuh-uh.

[/ QUOTE ]

What's a good reason to perm? If you ask me there are no real "good" reasons because they're all aesthetic. It's not like anyone has to perm for their health

I'm still up in the air as to whether I will or not, I just don't want to feel like I buckled under society's pressure.

[/ QUOTE ]

The reason to perm is not strictly for esthetics for everyone; I perm primarily for convenience. I don't perm to fit into society's ideas of beauty, I just don't have a whole day to put aside for wrestling with my hair.

I agree w/sengschick and basically what she said is what I was trying to say. You're citing societal pressures and what men want in their blk women, but like I said earlier, you haven't given me a good REASON for YOU to perm. They sound more like excuses. I mean, I love ya to death, but I don't really see you perming b/c Amerikka says so. Or for no man. I haven't read it, but there's gotta be a passage on that in WMLB somewhere!

[/ QUOTE ]

DD now you know I'm gonna have to call you out on that convenience thing. Going to get your hair relaxed every so often is convenient? I can tell you that is one thing that my natural hair is, convinient!!! Talk about a wash and go! And I don't know anyone with natural hair who spends a whole day wresling with it unless they're braiding all their hair...which is no diff. than any other braiding endeavor.

I truly believe there is no real REASON anyone perms other than for "beauty" reasons and don't all methods of attaining beauty have to do with at the basic level attraction, whether it's the same or opposite sex. We've even talked about in OT about beauty giving you special privileges, well if what MOST people think is pretty is non-natural black hair then it's all the SAME THING.

 

[ms_kenesha]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

[ QUOTE ]
GodMadeMePretty said:
I feel ya, Ms_K. I was just moaning to my husband the other night that I was going to have to perm my hair. Of course, I'm having MAJOR problems with the two textures. THe anemic, relaxed ends tangle like it's nobody's business while the pick just FLOWS through the virgin hair. I'm beginning to think that my hair has it ALL backwards.

My hair is just sooooo thick that it's VERY hard to put up. I think what pushes me forward is that my husband is EXTREMELY supportive of my going natural. His response to the tangles on the permed ends - "That lets you know that you should never have put a perm in in the first place."

My husband LOVES natural hair and he seems to have this misguided idea that everybody's hair can be the same silky texture if you take care of it. He says that he took care of natural hair longer than I did and he's right. His daughter was 12 before she got her first perm and he did all the combing. So guess whose going to be around every time I wash - DH. He even knows how to rollerset. Shoot, he was the one who first told me that you could rollerset natural hair and make it look almost like a perm. I got me a gem of a man. They do exist. Don't even fret yourself.

Can you do like Curves salon does and pull your twists down as you give them a shot of cold blow-dryer air? That should help with the shrinkage - so I'm told. I have absolutely no clue whether it works. I was kinda wanting someone on here to try it and tell me if it worked.

****Hint, hint, nudge, nudge*****

[/ QUOTE ]

GMMP,
That is the one support I do not have. I talked to my non-fian. about this on my lunch break and he said I know you might want to disagree with me on this, but I know I'm right...when you first cut your relaxed hair off you had me and we were engaged and you KNEW we were getting married and that I embraced your natural hair, but now you're uncertain about us and our future and it's harder to be something so different.

And it's true, when you have a support system it's easy to buck any system and go through anything, but when you don't it's hard & sometimes it looks even IMPOSSIBLE!

He told me whatever I did he'd still love me and that ultimately I have to make myself happy, not my family, or friends, or any "black power naturals" *he said this, not me*, but ME.

I think the big thing is I don't know what will make me happy.

 

[GodMadeMePretty]

Re: Don\'t Shoot Me Anyone...

Awwww. Ms_K,

For you,