How Do You Handle These?... (kinda long rant)

Strangers trying to figure out your hair? People who come up to you in a public place and want to touch your hair? People who demand to see whether or not you have tracks or a wig? People who want to argue about it?

I have always had these experiences since I was a child. Sometimes it can be flattering. Sometimes it can be friggin' annoying and downright offensive! Some people, even when you are nice about it, still want to be mean and say nasty things.

I was taught to respect my elders, so I go gentle with the little old ladies. But I was remembering a particular experience that I had one night in a grocery store. I had just gotten a touch up the day before and my hair was looking good. My hair is really thick so when it's relaxed it bounces and swings a lot. It was a couple of inches past shoulder length at the time. Some people act like it's particularly unusual because I am dark, because of their perceptions of stereotypes.

So I was at the checkout digging for my money and this fool of a man behind me (you know he was AA) shouted out really loud, "She got a weave! That ain't that girl's hair! That's a weave!" I looked at him like he was crazy and told him that it was my hair. He got loud with me, had people staring, and demanded that I prove it and show him my tracks. I said, "NO! It's my hair and I don't have to prove anything to you." We started going back and forth with him insisting that my hair was a weave and me saying that it wasn't. Then that fool raised his hand and tried to grab my hair! I leaned away from him and pushed his hand away. Oh, it was about to be on!!

I got my change, grabbed my bags, and walked away. Then I had to hear him still yelling behind me, " She thank (yes, with an "a") she white!" I was so mad that I wanted him hurt... badly.

I know I say now that I don't care what other people think about me. But everytime I think about that situation, I get mad all over again and I wish that I had handled it differently. There is a part of me that wishes that I had never acknowledged his comments. Perhaps if I did that, then the situation would not have escalated. But pride made me speak up. I have nothing against weaves, but I just could not stand there with everyone staring at me thinking that my hair was not real.

I'm a lot better about these things now that I'm older (thirtysomething), but my feelings are not entirely made of steel. I just want to know what do you all do when you are faced with situations like these?

You should be flattered- you've REALLY made it when people actually have to argue about the validity of your hair because most people can spot a weave a mile a way. However, with the guy trying to get up on your hair- it would have been on like Donkey Friggin' Kong!
But, be glad that you're blessed and chalk it up to jealousy and ignorance.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. People's ignorance never fails to amaze me. Like your hair, mine has lots of body, shine and bounce. Quite often I catch people staring and whispering, but I guess somewhere along the way I've learned to deal with this behavior. Most often what I do is make eye contact with the offender and smile nicely at them... this let's them know that I know they're talking about me, and that I could care less. Then I strut off, hair swinging and bouncing all the way

I too have nothing against weaves, but in my town, most of the weaves I see look like weaves, so I'm flattered either way. I feel if you can get a weave around here that looks like my hair, girlfriend I would go for it, if I were you

Good luck and remember how hard you've worked to get that beautiful head of hair. Don't let ignorant people steal the joy of your success!

Toni A. said:

So I was at the checkout digging for my money and this fool of a man behind me (you know he was AA) shouted out really loud, "She got a weave! That ain't that girl's hair! That's a weave!"

I got my change, grabbed my bags, and walked away. Then I had to hear him still yelling behind me, " She thank (yes, with an "a") she white!" I was so mad that I wanted him hurt... badly.

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I could almost see and hear this man!

I've learned (and I'm still learning) that long hair can be very threatening to some people, men included. Throughout history, hair has always represented power and the longer we wear it the more threatened some people get.

Long hair (power) on a black woman can be even more threatening and as we've seen on this board, it invites long, hard stares, accusations, people wanting to touch it or check for tracks, all kinds of comments, etc. I have a feeling that long-haired black women go through this more often than long-haired women of the other races.

In your experience, that man was a trouble-maker. When I remember past situations that I wish I could have handled differently, I mentally go back there and really do it/say it differently as vividly as I can. I see the other characters involved reacting differently (apologizing, complimenting me, etc.) Then I let it all go. I repeat this as often as it takes until it no longer has any life or impact, except for a positive one. This gives me peace of mind.

I dont mind. I embrace question as a way to educate people. Ive even allowed some people (friends and family only) to touch it. I dont mind Even the ones that say CHILE WHAT IS GOING ON IN THERE?!?! My aunties make me laugh

calliope said:

However, with the guy trying to get up on your hair- it would have been on like Donkey Friggin' Kong!

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You know where I'm coming from! I didn't want to get violent up in the store. I think I would have swung on him if he did get to my hair. Sometimes it's hard to raise up above it, you know?

Thanks for the feedback.

Toni A.

If other than my family and friends could see my hair, I would probably be loaded w/cash, because I would bet them $100 bucks that it was real and then show it off too, running my fingers all through it and swinging it left and right. LOL, next time bet on your hair and make sure the money is right, then see who gets the last laugh.

Isis said:

I could almost see and hear this man!

I've learned (and I'm still learning) that long hair can be very threatening to some people, men included. Throughout history, hair has always represented power and the longer we wear it the more threatened some people get.

Long hair (power) on a black woman can be even more threatening and as we've seen on this board, it invites long, hard stares, accusations, people wanting to touch it or check for tracks, all kinds of comments, etc. I have a feeling that long-haired black women go through this more often than long-haired women of the other races.

In your experience, that man was a trouble-maker. When I remember past situations that I wish I could have handled differently, I mentally go back there and really do it/say it differently as vividly as I can. I see the other characters involved reacting differently (apologizing, complimenting me, etc.) Then I let it all go. I repeat this as often as it takes until it no longer has any life or impact, except for a positive one. This gives me peace of mind.

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I have to admit that I do feel good about myself and more confident when my hair looks good. But isn't that everybody? I mean, how good does anyone feel when they are having a bad hair day? I'm not a conceited person whether my hair is long or short. I just makes me angry when people automatically think that I am conceited because of what they see.

And that is such good advice about mentally going back to the situation. I am going to work on that. Thanks!

I thank you all for your input on this.


Toni A.

BeautifulWideEyes said:

If other than my family and friends could see my hair, I would probably be loaded w/cash, because I would bet them $100 bucks that it was real and then show it off too, running my fingers all through it and swinging it left and right. LOL, next time bet on your hair and make sure the money is right, then see who gets the last laugh.

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BeautifulWideEyes, you me got on the floor!! I could use a good side hustle to pay off my Christmas shopping debts.

I was just telling my mom a few days ago that if I had $1 for everytime I heard lips smacking, teeth sucking, and "she thinks she's this or that" about my hair I would be loaded now $$$!

It's a shame because pple do automatically think your conceited because of your hair. I was in the market a few wks ago and I had bought some carrot juice and soy milk protein, and the guy at the checkout was like, "does this taste good because my stepmom likes stuff like this, and I was like the carrot one is but the other one I never tasted b4, so he was like what is it for and I said well over health and I really like because it's good for blah blah blah, and he goes so you can be conceited, I'm like well noone can see my hair so how is that being conceited," and he just looked dumbed. I just don't see how hair = conceited.

Toni A. said:

I have to admit that I do feel good about myself and more confident when my hair looks good. But isn't that everybody? I mean, how good does anyone feel when they are having a bad hair day? I'm not a conceited person whether my hair is long or short. I just makes me angry when people automatically think that I am conceited because of what they see.

And that is such good advice about mentally going back to the situation. I am going to work on that. Thanks!

I thank you all for your input on this.


Toni A.

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LOL, sure would and all the haters wouldn't even know they were keeping those long tresses looking good. [/quote=Toni A.]BeautifulWideEyes, you me got on the floor!! I could use a good side hustle to pay off my Christmas shopping debts.

I was just telling my mom a few days ago that if I had $1 for everytime I heard lips smacking, teeth sucking, and "she thinks she's this or that" about my hair I would be loaded now $$$! [/quote]

BeautifulWideEyes said:

It's a shame because pple do automatically think your conceited because of your hair. I was in the market a few wks ago and I had bought some carrot juice and soy milk protein, and the guy at the checkout was like, "does this taste good because my stepmom likes stuff like this, and I was like the carrot one is but the other one I never tasted b4, so he was like what is it for and I said well over health and I really like because it's good for blah blah blah, and he goes so you can be conceited, I'm like well noone can see my hair so how is that being conceited," and he just looked dumbed. I just don't see how hair = conceited.

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You see... that's the kind of foolishness that I am SICK of dealing with!! So he thinks you're conceited because you want to take good care of your health and you are knowledgable about the supplements you use. People, people, people... when will it end? When will we be able to do what we want, buy what we want, and look how we want without others making all kinds of assumptions?

Okay, I'm done ranting. I know that I am not alone...

Grr! That makes me soooo angry! I can't stand ignorance like that. I don't take it as a compliment when people think my hair is weave. Why? Because I work hard to maintain it, and I want the credit darnit! I mean yes, it's a compliment that they think it looks nice, but it's insulting that they think you couldn't possibly have grown your own hair.

As far as the conceited thing goes, I think I know where that might come from. Next time you're out, take a look at some of the black women around you. Some of us don't take good care of ourselves (body, hair, hygiene, clothing, etc.) When a black woman comes through looking good, hair looking nice, smelling good, whatever, it seems deliberate. Which it is. I can't think of how to say it, but I think that some people assume black women should look beat up and run down. When you don't, it must mean you're asking for attention and fishing for compliments.

Maybe I'm a little conceited. I don't go anywhere, even to the store, without at least looking cute. I always feel like I'm representing myself, my family, and my fellow sisters. Maybe I am looking at it too deep, but it's important to me. I'm at the point that I get excited when I see another sister looking good (whereas I used to think 'She think she cute!') becuase we're a beautiful race of women, and should be appreciated as such.

Anyway, I feel you. Keep on doing what you're doing. Maybe the haters will get motivated to do something with their own hair instead of scrutinizing yours!

Toni A. said:

Then that fool raised his hand and tried to grab my hair! I leaned away from him and pushed his hand away. Oh, it was about to be on!!

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It's one thing that he felt the need to raise the 'weave alert' to everybody in the store. But I don't get thinking it's ok to just put his hands on you ANYWHERE, even if it's 'just' your hair.

I read alot of posts where black women on this board (and others) will be out and strangers touch their hair and I don't understand what is going on in the minds of these hair molesters. I thought black women were these mean, scary people who people are afraid to 'set off'.

Although for real, if somebody just walked up on me and touched my hair, when I'm done, they will know not to do it again.

Toni A. said:

And that is such good advice about mentally going back to the situation. I am going to work on that. Thanks!
Toni A.

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You're welcome Toni!

This happens to me quite frequently from strangers, co-workers, family members, people at church, etc...Honestly, I'm to the point now where I'm like "Yeah, Whatever you say". What do I care what they think? Like someone said, it's some kind of freaking compliment or something that (on that day) my hair looked so good and so long, that they couldn't believe it was mine. Shame on him and anyone else for not believing that dark-skinned sisters or AA women in general can not grow their hair long or have it look nice or have it be healthy without a) thinking that they are trying to be anything or anyone that they are not and b) believing that it could possibly be real. Shame on them but that's their problem, not yours and surely not mine because for 2006, I don't care what anyone has to say about the matter.

Just as long as you know it's yours don't worry about what others think. Girl just flip your hair and go!

lauren450 said:

Grr! That makes me soooo angry! I can't stand ignorance like that. I don't take it as a compliment when people think my hair is weave. Why? Because I work hard to maintain it, and I want the credit darnit! I mean yes, it's a compliment that they think it looks nice, but it's insulting that they think you couldn't possibly have grown your own hair.

*Me neither. But because that means someone is automatically in the mindset that I and other black women cannot have nice looking or long hair. Narrow-minded views.

As far as the conceited thing goes, I think I know where that might come from. Next time you're out, take a look at some of the black women around you. Some of us don't take good care of ourselves (body, hair, hygiene, clothing, etc.) When a black woman comes through looking good, hair looking nice, smelling good, whatever, it seems deliberate. Which it is. I can't think of how to say it, but I think that some people assume black women should look beat up and run down. When you don't, it must mean you're asking for attention and fishing for compliments.

*Yes girl, tell it!

Maybe I'm a little conceited. I don't go anywhere, even to the store, without at least looking cute. I always feel like I'm representing myself, my family, and my fellow sisters. Maybe I am looking at it too deep, but it's important to me. I'm at the point that I get excited when I see another sister looking good (whereas I used to think 'She think she cute!') becuase we're a beautiful race of women, and should be appreciated as such.

You're so right! I love seeing other black woman doing their thang! You may not know me, but the fact that you're a woman- a woman of color at that, relates you to me at the least. Most times when women deliberately look good, it means that they're feeling gooood about themselves, so why not congratulate?

Anyway, I feel you. Keep on doing what you're doing. Maybe the haters will get motivated to do something with their own hair instead of scrutinizing yours!

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Great response

Oh, I missed this thread. I posted about a similar experience in another thread today. The guy was not mad at me but at someone who told him my hair was fake. This is just sad! I have seen incidents here and there but I never knew that having or not having hair causes people to lose thier minds!!!! It is just sad really really sad. You can't win if you look like hot trash on a rainy day people talk about you and if you keep yourself up....people talk...it is just a shame....damned if you do ....damned if you don't

I'm agreeing with you girl! It's like people have an attitude when they see a cute sistah! Well I refuse to dress down or dowdy for anyone. It makes me feel good when I get my hair, nails done and look nice and smell nice, and have a nice smile. What's so wrong with wanting to take care of yourself? It's not conceited, it's about maintaining one's happiness.

lauren450 said:

Grr! That makes me soooo angry! I can't stand ignorance like that. I don't take it as a compliment when people think my hair is weave. Why? Because I work hard to maintain it, and I want the credit darnit! I mean yes, it's a compliment that they think it looks nice, but it's insulting that they think you couldn't possibly have grown your own hair.

As far as the conceited thing goes, I think I know where that might come from. Next time you're out, take a look at some of the black women around you. Some of us don't take good care of ourselves (body, hair, hygiene, clothing, etc.) When a black woman comes through looking good, hair looking nice, smelling good, whatever, it seems deliberate. Which it is. I can't think of how to say it, but I think that some people assume black women should look beat up and run down. When you don't, it must mean you're asking for attention and fishing for compliments.

Maybe I'm a little conceited. I don't go anywhere, even to the store, without at least looking cute. I always feel like I'm representing myself, my family, and my fellow sisters. Maybe I am looking at it too deep, but it's important to me. I'm at the point that I get excited when I see another sister looking good (whereas I used to think 'She think she cute!') becuase we're a beautiful race of women, and should be appreciated as such.

Anyway, I feel you. Keep on doing what you're doing. Maybe the haters will get motivated to do something with their own hair instead of scrutinizing yours!

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I hit a lady who kept touching in my hair... the one that called me a cancer patient because I always wore hats

^^^^LMAO! That is classic Anky.

Alli77 said:

I'm agreeing with you girl! It's like people have an attitude when they see a cute sistah! Well I refuse to dress down or dowdy for anyone. It makes me feel good when I get my hair, nails done and look nice and smell nice, and have a nice smile. What's so wrong with wanting to take care of yourself? It's not conceited, it's about maintaining one's happiness.

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I am right there with you! Why is it b/c you take pride and take a few extra minutes to get yourself together in the morning (hair included) that you're being conceited or trying to act like you're "all that". What a bunch of bull!

When I was in college, my roommate and I would get the fake hair thing all the time and whenever we went somewhere, we started to make fun of it ourselves. She had green eyes and people always called them fake and my hair was shoulder length (wasn't even anywhere nearly as long as it it right now) and we were in WalMart one day and there were these 2 girls looking and whispering. My roommate yells down the aisle "you and the weave got to go!".....then I yelled back "if you take the colored contacts out!"..Then the girls started saying to each other "I told you!!!"

Fortunately I have noticed in the past few years, I get more compliments from men saying that my hair is pretty and it's rare that they see a black woman with long hair. Then they go on to say that it's nothing wrong with weave cause they have seen some sistas wear it well, but it's just refreshing to see a sista with her own. Then on the other hand, it's the men that you won't give you the time of day and the first thing they say "oh, you act like you all that just cause you got long hair - probably aint yours anyway"

Damned if you do, more damned if you don't!

anky said:

I hit a lady who kept touching in my hair... the one that called me a cancer patient because I always wore hats

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Anky, too funny!

blackbarbie said:

I am right there with you! Why is it b/c you take pride and take a few extra minutes to get yourself together in the morning (hair included) that you're being conceited or trying to act like you're "all that". What a bunch of bull!

When I was in college, my roommate and I would get the fake hair thing all the time and whenever we went somewhere, we started to make fun of it ourselves. She had green eyes and people always called them fake and my hair was shoulder length (wasn't even anywhere nearly as long as it it right now) and we were in WalMart one day and there were these 2 girls looking and whispering. My roommate yells down the aisle "you and the weave got to go!".....then I yelled back "if you take the colored contacts out!"..Then the girls started saying to each other "I told you!!!"

Fortunately I have noticed in the past few years, I get more compliments from men saying that my hair is pretty and it's rare that they see a black woman with long hair. Then they go on to say that it's nothing wrong with weave cause they have seen some sistas wear it well, but it's just refreshing to see a sista with her own. Then on the other hand, it's the men that you won't give you the time of day and the first thing they say "oh, you act like you all that just cause you got long hair - probably aint yours anyway"

Damned if you do, more damned if you don't!

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Exactly, that's why we can't be stressin our FIONE selves over the sentiments of HATERS! I just keep it moving, Imma be fly!