Discussing sex with your future spouse

[brg240]

How does one go about this?
Do you think you should discuss it with them?
How much can or should you discuss?
What parameters should be used?
Those that did discuss this was it easy for you?
or did ya'll not need to discuss things initially?



Who says Christian women are prudes? got me thinking. I really do think people should discuss sex with the person they're going to marry, because it's an important of marriage. But for the life of me I can't figure out how the discussion would go down.
First problem; when and where do you have it? By yourselves, in private or public? With a minister during pre-marital councling? With someone to guide the conversation. I can't imagine being comfortable discussing my future sex life with my pastor, especially not with the person I was going to engage in it with there.

Second problem; I mean I'm not sure what one would say. . I mean I can't say like 'I like this I don't like that' because I don't have any actual experience. I only know things I won't do. And I think my brain would short circuit if somone said 'bri I'd really like if you did this to me when we're married.' (I'm praying he has no practical experience either though.) Furthermore, how do you discuss this without either of your imaginations running wild? I can hear people talk about sex without any lust on my part, but, if it's someone you love/want to marry I'm not sure how that would fare. I'd hate to cause my future hubby to sin. erplexed





Am I just over thinking things? Being too silly? Thinking about things I shouldn't in the first place. (I'm not currently dating/courting anyone at the moment and at the rate I'm going...well that's a different thread entirely.)

thanking you ladies in advance.

 

[ladykaya]

Well to be honest the funny thing about sex is its getter better with time. My husband and I discuss it among ourselves. We are each others one and only and for us we were fornicators. It was by the grace of God he delivered us into marriage. But one thing that stuck with me from marriage counselling was that what you did in the beginning of your relationship that each other enjoys should also stay strong till the end.

I say that to basically say this sex is a private thing. Not something you should really worry about. If you have concerns before marriage def. let your soon to be know. But other then that just go with the flow. When you love someone trust me everything happens the right way especially if you have that deep connection and above all consult God first.

HTH

 

[LovingLady]

I think it is very important to discuss sex with the person you are going to marry, it will help avoid problems down the road.

Questions to Ask:

Do you plan on wearing a condom?

• At what point in the marriage to you want to start having children?

How often do you expect to have sex?

What are you expecting out of me (some of the things that he wants done to him)?

Just in case he has had previous sexual relations:

Did you wear a condom during your previous experiences?

• Have you ever slept with someone who has had an STD?

I hope these questions help you.

 

[chicacanella]

I thought about that too. This is just me, but I think that at some point even before your boyfriend has proposed you should not just act like sex isn't there. I don't think that is being truthful because we are both human beings and issues like this are important and a part of life. Personally, I don't see a problem with discussing it a few months into the relationship, like the 2nd or 3rd month. The reason I say this is because you want him to know where you stand immediately so neither one of you wastes time. I mean, I've "dated" a lot of guys that said they were Christians and weren't, or rather they were sexually immoral and wanted to fornicate. I think it's important for them to know where you stand. This would be the first time to weed out the scallywags. I know it's possible to be a fiance without having talked about sex but I would want to be open enough so I can help him when he may feel discouraged or weak at times.

Once you get to know the guy and he's your fiance, it figure it would be easy. I think it's important to have the mindset that sex isn't a bad thing inside a godly marriage so it's okay to speak about it in the right context. I agree with Kaya and Ab's on the questions.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

Wow, I was thinking about this!!! I don't to get engaged to find out homeboy is Mr. Freaknasty but I also don't want to discuss things too early. I'm in a new relationship and my boyfriend happens to be a trained minister, which kind of makes this issue interesting. I say interesting because he can discuss things like this in a very matter of fact tone because he has had to read about it and discuss it. He has discussed, for example, sexuality in the world (not between us) and he seems straight forward and direct, while being totally wholesome. Our relationship is new but serious (he is relocating from down to the north to be closer to me ) so I do want some issues discussed. I am a virgin but he is not (he didn't get saved until the middle of college), though he's been celibate for about 15 years. While we've had discussions about appropriate physical boundaries while dating I have no idea what his views are when it comes to sex except that given his hold out time he would want a brief engagement (i feel like i'd need a year to plan my dream wedding). I know it needs to be discussed but I feel so strange and shy to bring it up. I blush and giggle when my girls and I discuss the issue so i don't want to risk lustful thoughts by talking to him about it. Knowing him, I feel like he would want to reserve some discussions just b/c they might lead to lust until after engagement .There are pastors who recommend not even reading some christian guide books on sex until a good week or two before the wedding b/c even seeing little stick figure drawing and descriptions will raise the desire of already sexually frustrated and eager Christians. Then again this has to do with avoiding discussing the mechanics of sex (positions) rather than views and beliefs.

Basically, i dunno. any answers married ladies?

 

[Liberianmami26]

i would really like more responses on this topic too as someone returning back to God and trying to figure things out before i start dating again

 

[divya]

These are good questions. The best way is to ask the Lord to show you when, where and how. Honestly, my s/o and I have discussed certain issues related to sex. We spoke about waiting until marriage and about our pasts. We even discussed the damaging sexual experience that I experienced in younger years and how it affected me. That was difficult for me but necessary and good move for us. We have briefly discussed do/don't matters, but let's just say we both are quite open minded. The discussion about children has come up in discussions unrelated to sex and more related to general planning. Now the courtship book that we recently read would have advised that we speak about certain matters later. However, each courtship is different, so certain discussions may occur at different points. The most important thing is to stay in prayer and listen for God's direction.

Matters involving sex will likely arise in premarital counseling. The depth may depend on the pastor's approach. Maybe some of the ladies who are already married can shed some light on their experiences.

 

[Jenibo]

I laughed when I read the op- only because it seems I could have written it! good responses ladies.

 

[chicacanella]

bringing.up.my.post...

 

[aribell]

Hmm...I'm not sure that sex does need to be discussed in detail. He'll figure out where your sexual boundaries are, and when it gets to that point, you can let him know you're abstinent. After an engagement, if there are health issues that you all need to address, then okay. Also, what type of birth control will be used should probably be figured out. But as far as preferences, experience levels, etc. are concerned, that would be unnecessary imo.

 

[Sarophina]

I agree Nicola. I think I would like to leave most of the sex talk till after marriage except for a brief talk about our pasts and maybe his plans for birth control.

I think going into too much detail could lead to lust. But, those are my thoughts.