A new natural and feeling insecure (kinda long)

[blkbeauty]

I just recently did my BIG chop and it has truly been freedom. Taking care of two textures can be hard and sometimes frustrating. However I wanted to transition for a year, but became too impatient with the perm ends and just chopped them off and ended my transition in 8months. And although it is freedom wearing my hair in for the most part one texture. I am left feeling insecure around my co-workers. Even when I was just transitioning, I got comments like “interesting hair”. Now that I am completely natural, I get comments like “oh, is this a new look or something?!!”

This morning a co-worker who wears her hair permed came into the ladies room. She said, “hmm it looks like I didn’t even comb my hair this morning.” Then she says to me “it must take some guts to wear your hair natural”. As if wearing my hair in the natural state, the hair that is apart of my genes, my physical make-up. The hair that God gave me is risk taking to show?!! I felt absolutely embarrassed, not for the most part my hair, but how people, especially MY people feel that it is taking a risk to be Authentic!

When I permed my hair I never stereotyped women with natural hair or felt the need to judge and now as a natural, I don’t feel the need to judge women who wear their hair permed. And I would never tell anyone who wear their hair differently to go natural! There are many beautiful ladies who wear there hair perm and have beautiful hair. It defines them, but I don’t understand that when you wear your hair natural it is considered going against a natural law or something as if there is one-way and one-acceptance and one-beauty.

Right now I have about 4 inches of hair and a lot of shrinkage. My jobs has hurt me to the point, where I feel that maybe I should press my hair to work everyday and it also leaves me feeling insecure not knowing truly what other people outside of work are thinking. Have anyone gone through this at the beginning of natural life? If so, how did you get through it?

Also, LHCF, is really something wonderful. It is very seldom that you can have the opportunity to unite with people of all hair textures and styles and they withhold such respect for each other. I know this is the one place that I can go and get support from both my natural and relaxed sisters

 

[CocoaButterflyy]

A lot of times people make comments out of jealousy and or ignorance. Don't let the things people are saying now effect you or make you question your decision. When I cut my relaxeroff I had people making remarks telling me my hair was "interesting" and that it wouldn't be long (not knowing the pics they used tosweatme about in HS my hair was natural) now these are the same people smiling and complimenting.

If you press your hair press it because YOU want to not because you feel outside pressure to. There is nothing to be embarrased of and a lotof times people will pick because they know it's a sensative issue. Be strong and if you need support you know where to come

 

[blkbeauty]

Thanks Cocoa for the inspiration and support!

After transitioning since December 2003 and now being natural as of this month, I feel after all of the preparation to get to this point, why go back just for other people?!! But at the same time, I am now feeling somewhat like an outsider.

It's funny because, I've heard stories of people telling me how people first took their natural hair and I just thought that they were telling a story because I saw nothing wrong with it, but man they weren't lying about it!

 

[ms_kenesha]

Hey blkbeauty,
you already read my post and you see how I'm feeling right now. Well, I have been natural since Feb 04 and I did the BC after having a relaxer 8wks earlier so my hair was short, short, short...esp. since after the chop a barber buzzed it.

What's funny is that I was more comfortable with the extremely short hair than I am now with about 3-4 inches of hair. I guess one reason is because now I feel like I look good mainly in twists. When I wear a fro with a headband, the back hangs a lil more because of texture differences, the sides like to scrunch up more because they have a tighter coil and the front and top are looser, so I do not have that perfect circular fro going on

and I wouldn't want to blow my hair out with a blowdryer and comb everyday to get it that way either.

So my advice is I have no advice, sorry

Since you've only been natural a week I'd say give it a little more time before you do something drastic.

 

[NaturalRox]

Blkbeauty, first let me congratulate you on completing this phase of your journey! You'll do just fine, I'm sure!

I know this is easier said than done but try not to take what your co-workers say to heart. Hold fast to the personal reasons why YOU chose to go natural and put that above anything else. Please don't let someone else's silly comments make you do something that you wouldn't choose to do otherwise. People sometimes say things out of ignorance or even their own insecurities - just try not to be bothered by it. Right now, you're doing "YOU" so stand tall and be proud - we're all here for you!

 

[lsubabiedee]

girl, you just have to be confident in ur decision

i think ur coworker was right...it does take guts to go against societal norms and wear ur hair in its natural state...it takes a lot of guts

things will get better...the more u wear ur hair out, the less insecure u'll feel

 

[nurseN98]

[ QUOTE ]
NaturalRox said:
Blkbeauty, first let me congratulate you on completing this phase of your journey! You'll do just fine, I'm sure!

I know this is easier said than done but try not to take what your co-workers say to heart. Hold fast to the personal reasons why YOU chose to go natural and put that above anything else. Please don't let someone else's silly comments make you do something that you wouldn't choose to do otherwise. People sometimes say things out of ignorance or even their own insecurities - just try not to be bothered by it. Right now, you're doing "YOU" so stand tall and be proud - we're all here for you!

[/ QUOTE ]
Yup, I agree. There are always going to be those women that think black women can only be beautiful with straightened hair. Everyone is not open to differences like on LHCF.

 

[M_BYRON_M]

I agree with what everybody else here has said and if the hair is making you self conscience .Then braids or a weave may be a option.

Dnt be discouraged by the many that dont know the truth when it comes to hair care but be encouraged by the few that do.

**

 

[CharUK]

Re: A new natural and feeling insecure (kinda long

I'm really sad about the way your co-workers are behaving.

I'd cuss them out, but that's in my personality when someone is making rude and ignorant remarks that have gotten on my last nerve :mad2:

Stay strong, you know why you've done it, it's right for YOU who the heck are they to comment and put your hair down?

I wouldn't advise pressing your hair, it may cause bad damage, I would advise you to go on nappturality.com but i'm not being funny, don't post there, just read for tips, if you post and say the wrong thing, they will JUMP you!

x

 

[Maestradiva77]

Re: A new natural and feeling insecure (kinda long

Congrats on being a new natural!! The beginning stage is definitely tough, so hang in there! I remember when I called my mom and told her that I decided to stop relaxing my hair, and she kept insisting that "my hair won't grow" and "going from a perm to no perm is just not done." However, I was convinced that this was the best thing for my hair, so I stuck to my guns. The ironic thing is that my mom and my sister are now natural and love it.

I have been natural for a while now, and I still get a few "she needs to get a perm" comments, but not nearly as much as the "she knows that's a weave" or "that's a texturizer" comments, which are even more annoying.

So, my point is that trying to please others is a self-defeating cycle because no matter what you do to your hair, someone will always find something negative to say. Stay tough!!!

 

[deedabug]

Re: A new natural and feeling insecure (kinda long

[ QUOTE ]
CharUK said:
I would advise you to go on nappturality.com but i'm not being funny, don't post there, just read for tips, if you post and say the wrong thing, they will JUMP you!

x

[/ QUOTE ]

but seriously...i think the women on ur job r jealous...another natural sister tole me that she figures relaxed black women make the snide comments and try to make jokes cuz they feel insecure around u...like before u b/c....u admired other naturals and wanted to be like them...but for ppl who dont have the courage or education to go natural although they may be longing to for what they call the freedom...its like u r better than them in their eyes...or u r tryna be.....

its been almost a year for me...and i still get looks...some smile and stare...but never comment (i heard i have a mean look to me..lol) im cool with a smile and stare..but it doesnt really matter...i know i can manage my hair and i never go around lookin tacky..so no one can say that about me...the other day i had my hair blowed out real big all around town doin my business with my nose up in the air...lol

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

Re: A new natural and feeling insecure (kinda long

As a transitioner my self I understand exactly how you feel. When people make comments like that ..it's awing to me

It's like and I'm the weird one for wearing my natural hair? Not only natural hair, but anything else in life you'll be uneasy with when you just start. I just wanna encourage you to keep with your natural texture. You don't have to press it to feel a certain way. Once you become proud of your hair, everyone else's attitude will change. If they don't like it, so what!..atleast they'll respect you, even if they don't say it. Be proud of yourself that in the mist of one thing, you're able to do another.

@ Char! I do agree that nappturality.com has some really good information about natural hair, but they do have a zero tolernce policy about relaxed/pressed hair.

 

[sassygirl125]

Your co-worker is just plain rude.

Don't let ignorant people and their comments get to you. I probably would have said something like, "It takes the same amount of guts for me to wear my hair the way it grows out of my scalp as it does for you to come out in public with that ugly a** outfit on."

 

[DragonPearl]

Re: A new natural and feeling insecure (kinda long

[ QUOTE ]
Maestradiva77 said:
So, my point is that trying to please others is a self-defeating cycle because no matter what you do to your hair, someone will always find something negative to say. Stay tough!!!

[/ QUOTE ]

I totally agree! Don't agonize over other people's negative comments and don't internalize what they say. Carry your head up high, LOVE your hair and take good care of it.

 

[soslychic]

Re: A new natural and feeling insecure (kinda long

I totally agree with everyone's comments.
A european standard of beauty has been established in this country and this is just most people's viewpoint. It's sad, but true. You can't please everybody.

I think that you will grow more comfortable with time and once you start experimenting (if you want to) with all of the versatile things that you can do with natural hair, I think your love for it will overshadow the hater's view.

 

[soslychic]

Re: A new natural and feeling insecure (kinda long

And I forgot to say CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR BIG CHOPS!!

 

[PretteePlease]

Re: A new natural and feeling insecure (kinda long

i have found that since i went natural people seem to want to justify to my why they have perms. i think they do it out of insecurity and jealousy. she probably wishes she had the strength to swim against the current. stay strong remember why you went natural (doesn't have to be deep me i just did it for a change) and remember you can't please them all so please yourself. next time she says something dumb call her on it. is her hair a hot mess if so let her know but in a really nice way. kill her with kindness.

 

[Nyambura]

Hi Blkbeauty,

I agree with what everyone has said so far. I grew up wearing my hair natural and my entire immediate family is natural. I wore natural hair up through college and much of graduate school, and received a few attempted barbs...but see, I can be a smart mouth, and I found that making my detractors the punchlines of jokes, and having everyone laughing at them, taught natural-haters to keep their issues quiet.

And, of course, now that I process my hair, there were folks who had something to say about that.

Whenever you do something different, or you stand for a principle, not everyone is going to like it. I have found, though, that the clearer I am about my belief(s), the easier it is for me to disregard my detractors. And who knows? Maybe your colleague was expressing envy, and not disdain, when she said you were brave....For me, personally, my office is *never* the place to seek emotional support,

I used to post images of beautiful women with coily hair around my home. You might be surprised what an impact daily visuals (and internal messages) can have. Staying spiritually connected to God also puts petty remarks/situations also in perspective.

I know this is long, but I just wanna add: People, even our most cherished, dearest loved ones, are human. And each of us sooner or later says something that accidentally (or intentionally) hurts another. I mention this because even well-intentioned loved ones might say something unintentionally hurtful about your newly-natural hair. [Girrrrrrl, I could tell you stories about my AA mama who sported natural hair *60 years ago* and her experiences!]

Congratulations on your journey, BlackBeauty! Just wait till you're sporting your long, strong, lush locks...what will folks have to say then?

 

[sunflower]

Once you become comfortable with your natural hair, you will notice what others say about your hair will not matter. I felt the same way when I first went natural. Now that I have been natural for a while stares and smiles don't bother me. It's your natural hair, don't let anyone make you feel that there is something wrong with your natural hair. It always amazes me how a black woman's natural hair can cause so much talk.

I also suggest nappturality.com, BUT whatever you do don't go over there talking about pressing your hair. If at all possible lurk first. Once they smell fresh meat they will pounce and it isn't pretty.

 

[MrsQueeny]

I agree, sometimes I think it is jealousy because they would like to be natural but just too scared to do so. Plus she probably knows that your hair will grow out and you will be wearing those fierce braid outs, twists, and afros, getting all of the compliments. Then people will be looking at her tired, dried up mess of a head. Don't get me wrong not all relaxed heads are like that (like the ones on this board). Just think of quick comebacks to put her in her place and she will back off. Like if she says , you're going to wear your hair like that. Say, well I saw your hairstyle today and said if you are brave enough to wear your like that, then I might as well wear my style. Or you can just smile or laugh, that really ticks people off. Kill them with kindness. Just take the best care of your hair and come to work happy and rubbing your fingers in it. If you have coworkers of another race, do it around them. They will become curious and want to touch it. Then they will be gossiping about how soft your hair is, and how cool your styles are (speaking from experience). Then that chick will really be jealous.

Okay I'm rambling, but you get my drift. Enjoy your hair, love it, and nuture it. Congrats on your BC. Oh and I have been natural for 3 years in November. Take care Q

 

[bellydancer]

Re: A new natural and feeling insecure (kinda long

girl... i went through the same thing. i think all naturals hear stuff like that, but after a while i got confident and the comments don't bother me. they are just funny now. I think you'll start to love your hair so much the comments won't bother you.

 

[blkbeauty]

Hey Kenesha,

Piggy backing on your post. My 4 inches of hair too seems a little akward. My hair is looser in curl on top and back and coilier in the middle. My afro seems a little lop-sided too. Last night I got some twist get and just started twisting.

As far as the attention from men. I haven’t receive much either. And makes me wonder is it really about the hair with them. Then I wonder Kenesha is it the DC area we live in

. However I have received some nice comments from non-American men.

 

[ms_kenesha]

[ QUOTE ]
blkbeauty said:
Hey Kenesha,

Piggy backing on your post. My 4 inches of hair too seems a little akward. My hair is looser in curl on top and back and coilier in the middle. My afro seems a little lop-sided too. Last night I got some twist get and just started twisting.

As far as the attention from men. I haven’t receive much either. And makes me wonder is it really about the hair with them. Then I wonder Kenesha is it the DC area we live in

. However I have received some nice comments from non-American men.

[/ QUOTE ]

Well, I got some play when I went to the club 2 wks ago and I've gotten a bit on the street, but def. not from anyone I'm looking for.

I twist my hair a lot since I'm in the awkward stage. If you need any product rec's for twisting agents, I say...Kemi Oyl Shea Pomade is good, plain shea butter, avocado butter, and aloe vera gel. Those are the things I've used so far. We'll get through this together

 

[blkbeauty]

Thanks you all for the inspiration! I decided not to let her comments bother me into pressing my hair. I guess I wasn’t expecting anyone to be that bold with their comments. I am just waiting for it to get longer then she needs to watch out!!

LOL

But nevertheless, if I changed for people it defeats the purpose of being an individual. And if I fight fire with fire, it makes me know better than her. So I just take her comment as a strengthener to make me wiser. I am sorry she sees my hair in this way and I bless her that one day she can see beyond the surface. But until then, I am not going to let her shake me into conforming to be like her with a perm. Then in a year or so, ill be crying the same tune again, how my hair is breaking or how I am tired of being like everyone else in order to be accepted.

I know it is going to take some time to get use to my new look. But luckily I have nothing but time.

 

[blkbeauty]

[ QUOTE ]
ms_kenesha said:

Well, I got some play when I went to the club 2 wks ago and I've gotten a bit on the street, but def. not from anyone I'm looking for.

[/ QUOTE ]

I hear ya. Infact most guys who are in my age group, mid 20's are ignoring me as if I had just sinned. However older men have given me compliments.

 

[blkbeauty]

[ QUOTE ]
ms_kenesha said:

Well, I got some play when I went to the club 2 wks ago and I've gotten a bit on the street, but def. not from anyone I'm looking for.

[/ QUOTE ]

I hear ya. Infact most guys who are in my age group, mid 20's are ignoring me as if I had just sinned. However older men have given me compliments.

 

[Guest]

SIs,

Hang in there and ignore ignorant *** comments like that. Others where their natural hair and why shouldn't black women. It natural is your choice stick to it and don't conform for anyone. How dare they critisize God's product.

Stick to your guns. F^ck 'em.

It's your natural beauty.

 

[CharUK]

Re: A new natural and feeling insecure (kinda long

Good for you! You won't regret it!

 

[blkbeauty]

Thanks Regina!

That's what I say...how can you criticize something that is God-given?!!

 

[soslychic]

Re: A new natural and feeling insecure (kinda long

[ QUOTE ]
soslychic said:
And I forgot to say CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR BIG CHOPS!!

[/ QUOTE ]

LOL! Excuse me. I didn't mean to say big chops, but big chop!