DH wants me to relax because the natural look looks unpolished...

[fmnnity]

hey mizzbrown these were the complaints that you have asked about:

"her hair doesn't look very professional"

One whopper was from a rich black female who addressed me as "girl..." during a conversation. she was joking and cajoling, and i answered her in kind she was fine, until she couldn't get her results right away. her complaint was:'

"She looks as if she came off of the streets, and addressed me as one of her street friends." How can one look as if they "came off the streets in scrubs, glasses and a lab coat?"

Patients with children complained that my hair "scared them."

i had it in kinky twists pulled back to look more professional.

another one was: "we weren't very comfortable with her appearance".

I was working with the head radiologist one day, and was voicing my opinion about patient complaints, and he said: "Well, your hair does look scary to some cultures."

When i came into work wearing my weave pulled back (just i would with the kinky twists or braids). My supervisor and her boss (from africa) were the first to say: "i like this look SO much better, it looks more professional, and polished"...


there's your answer Mizzbrown. if you want more answers, maybe you should take a look at our facility. Palo Alto Medical Foundation, Mountain View, CA. It's very high-end. $2.5million dollar sculptures hanging from ceilings, fountains, meditation gardens, top-notch doctors, rads(like myself) and i am the ONLY black person in our whole, huge department. go figure.

Totally OT. You guys are one of my customers!!!!!

 

[SouthernStunner]

Ok I am going to say something that may or may not be accepted well on here.
I do agree to a point that DH feelings are my top priority and if he didnt like my natural hair it would hurt and I would oblige him. But me taking into consideration his feelings will have to be met with him doing the same thing for me on occasion.

When I met my DH I had short relaxed hair. He knew I was trying to grow it out and that was fine for him. He is partial to relaxed hair. I am currently 11.5 months post so he has seen my natrual hair and he is ok with it BUT if he wasnt I think I would relax cause when he met me I was relaxed. If that makes any sense.

What I am trying to say is when you met your DH you were relaxed right? That is what he liked then and that is what he likes now. Most men dont do well with change they are creatures of habbit.

Ultimately you have to do what is good for you and your marriage.

 

[FluffyRed]

First & foremost, be very careful about taking advice on what to do with your marriage from ppl who aren't married.
.

We've already debunked that fallacy murried wimmin do not have a monopoly on good relationship advice.

Stacy Peterson was married. Tina & Ike, too.

 

[CocoBunny]

First & foremost, be very careful about taking advice on what to do with your marriage from ppl who aren't married.

2nd, this really is a decision that has to made b/w you and your DH. And whatever decision that may be, both of you have to be comfortable with the outcome.

ITA!!!!!!!

 

[fmnnity]

This is just too much. Please just tend to your marriage. I'm not married btw.

 

[FluffyRed]

...judging from that statement and your obvious lack of desire to compromise in a MARRIAGE...your most likely without a man/husband...no offense....JMHO.....

.

Ur right, because a female could not disagree with *you* and be able to relate to someone of the opposite sex. that comment is gonna make me cry.

 

[CocoBunny]

We've already debunked that fallacy murried wimmin do not have a monopoly on good relationship advice.

Stacy Peterson was married. Tina & Ike, too.

Hmmm that's pretty much the same thing my perpetually single, complaining about they can't keep a man but ain't never going to compromise themselves, ain't no body going to tell them nothing single friends say too...

YMMV

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

JEEZ LOISE calm down....you dont have to state facts about your life to prove that you are NOT an "angry black woman" ......gosh..excuse me for making a comment on your "joke"...lol ....I guess I forgot to chuckle....

I was calm thus the spinning smiley!! did it not come through?

 

[taz007]

I am going to put in my two cents ...

(Disclaimer ..... I have not read ALL of the replies)

I can definitely tell who has a successful marriage based on what has been posted.

I was natural when I met my husband. He loved me when I was looking tore up while going to school. He NEVER complained when I looked like Side Show Bob for about 2 years.

When I relaxed last year, he continued to support me and only spoke positive things to me.

I absolutely ADORE him and he ADORES me!

If he asked me to shave my head TOMORROW, I would ask "Where da clippers at". I would not do it because I am afraid that he would leave me or that I am weak .

I would do just about anything for him (as long as it follows what God says is right) and he would do the same for me.

I almost destroyed my marriage initially with the kind of thinking that is on this board (I had it bad!)

The reason why I would do it is:

'Cause the way that he looks at me EVERY DAY (after almost 10 years of marriage) just melts my heart.

I know that he would NEVER ask that of me, but if he did .....

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

Yea you're right..it doesnt mean that he will want me and ONLY me...however, that will not be my motivation for not wanting to please my husband or come to a "compromise" ...or should I say, "jump through hoops at his every whim"...lol good one...judging from that statement and your obvious lack of desire to compromise in a MARRIAGE...your most likely without a man/husband...no offense....JMHO.....

key word: COMPROMISE

PS...a successful marriage involves connection and attraction to the mind, body, and soul...

WOOOOOOOWWWW.....that was too low for comfort.

Geez, why am I not surprised at women tearing each other down??

 

[Southernbella.]

Hmmm that's pretty much the same thing my perpetually single, complaining about they can't keep a man but ain't never going to compromise themselves, ain't no body going to tell them nothing single friends say too...

YMMV

Interesting...there have been a few married women in this thread, myself included, who have stated that we would not allow our husbands to dictate something like this.

Yall keep holding onto that notion, though. I guess it feels good to know that there are angry, manless black women out there hatin' on the married folks.

 

[Southernbella.]

I am going to put in my two cents ...

(Disclaimer ..... I have not read ALL of the replies)

I can definitely tell who has a successful marriage based on what has been posted.

You might want to read all the replies.

 

[CocoBunny]

This is why I feel so strongly about wearing my natural hair out for the world to see. That way anyone I'm involved with knows this is me and if they don't like it now they may as well keep it moving because I'm not relaxing or straightening for anyone.

I think the problem is when you change either physically or spiritually or even mentally. How can you blame someone for wanting you to retain what attracted them to you in the first place.

Lets just say your BF LOVED your hair loved the kinks the coils the texture, couldn't keep his hands out of it, what ever and you did get married and suddenly relaxed your a hair and wore it bone straight. Could you blame him for not being thrilled. Hair is least important part of who I am but it IS a part.

YMMV

 

[taz007]

Double post ...............

 

[FluffyRed]

Depends how you define success.

(do.not.want)

ETA - newsflash! Physical changes are inevitable. Good luck

 

[Southernbella.]

WOOOOOOOWWWW.....that was too low for comfort.

Geez, why am I not surprised at women tearing each other down??

I have $50, via Paypal, for anyone who can link me to an all male forum with a thread similar to this one.

 

[taz007]

You might want to read all the replies.

I read enough

 

[msa]

As a single woman, what's rubbing me the wrong way is not that he has an opinion about her hair. As I've said before, your husband's feelings should be taken into account. Isn't that what marriage is about? It can't be a partnership if both people's feelings are not equally important.

What I don't understand is why relaxing is the only answer. If your DH enjoys straight styles, then straighten. But making a permanent change based on what he wants, even if you don't want the same thing, seems wrong to me.

 

[Southernbella.]

I read enough

So then you noticed how many single women advised that she relax her hair? Why in the world are they still single? According to your theory, they should all be in successful marriages, right?

 

[CocoBunny]

Interesting...there have been a few married women in this thread, myself included, who have stated that we would not allow our husbands to dictate something like this.

Yall keep holding onto that notion, though. I guess it feels good to know that there are angry, manless black women out there hatin' on the married folks.

....................

 

[taz007]

So then you noticed how many single women advised that she relax her hair? Why in the world are they still single? According to your theory, they should all be in successful marriages, right?

Did you read anywhere in my post where this was directed at the single ladies?

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

I have $50, via Paypal, for anyone who can link me to an all male forum with a thread similar to this one.

It'll never happen!!! And girl-- you hit it right on the head! Seems some of these women are holding on to the "Higher Than Thou" disease. ...Just keep on imagining angry, aggressive , manless black women are the ONLY ones that disagree with you....do just that if it helps you sleep better at night

I honestly don't want "that type" of "successful marriage of kissing someone arse everytime they disagree with something I do. We just agree to disagree and move on. Whether I do what he says or not, men are liable to cheat anyway-- heck they cheat on some of the most beautiful women. Wakey wakey!

 

[msa]

I think the problem is when you change either physically or spiritually or even mentally. How can you blame someone for wanting you to retain what attracted them to you in the first place.

Lets just say your BF LOVED your hair loved the kinks the coils the texture, couldn't keep his hands out of it, what ever and you did get married and suddenly relaxed your a hair and wore it bone straight. Could you blame him for not being thrilled. Hair is least important part of who I am but it IS a part.

YMMV

No I wouldn't blame him for being less than thrilled about it. But that's different from him dictating what I do with my head. Like I said before, my issue is with the permanent nature of relaxing. I think he would rightfully be upset in that situation. But if all I did was flat iron, he'd have to deal with it until I washed my hair.

And what does YMMV mean? I've been wondering what that was for a while.

 

[Southernbella.]

Did you read anywhere in my post where this was directed at the single ladies?

Ah, you're right. That was directed at the married ladies. My bad, chief.

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

Married and Happily Married are not the same thing. But what ever works in YOUR marriage works in YOUR marraige. I do wonder tho if the husbands are as content as their wives say they are...

YMMV

Right and those that say they are happily married aren't necessarily happy enough to keep the men from straying either.

 

[taz007]

Ah, you're right. That was directed at the married ladies. My bad, chief.

Just because you are married doesn't mean that it is successful or happy as a couple people here have posted.

You know what they say about assuming ... . 'Cause you assumed wrong this time, Cap'n!

 

[Kurlee]

and people were trying to debate how "important" hair is to black folk? . People in here drawing lines in the sand and all

 

[darlingdiva]

OP, I'm so sorry that you are in this situation.

Like other posters have mentioned, though, it doesn't sound like you're sure how you feel about your natural hair. I think that you need to make that determination before you discuss this further with your husband. You definitely need to have a solid position before you discuss this with him. If not, he'll just have more things to throw at you.

Although I'm married, I've never been in your particular situation because my husband supports my hair decision. I haven't had a perm since I was 19 but I used to get my hair pressed every two weeks, so he's used to seeing me in straight hairstyles.

Four years later, I decided to stop pressing my hair so much because my hair had become extremely fragile (I didn't know very much about healthy hair care at that time, btw.) I stopped going to the salon & started doing my own hair. That's when my hair journey began. It truly was a journey because someone else (either my mother or the stylist) had always done my hair. I had to wash & condition my own hair & style it...on my own? That was a whole new world for me. I experimented with twist-outs & a lot of them did come out looking crazy, but I eventually learned how to make them look nice.

My husband loves my twist-outs. He actually likes them better than my wigs (I have two curly wigs). He wants me to wear my own hair more. Despite his wish, I wear the wigs a lot b/c I'm in grad school & I can't neglect my work for my hair.

You know what's best for you & your marriage, though. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Southernbella.]

Married and Happily Married are not the same thing. But what ever works in YOUR marriage works in YOUR marraige. I do wonder tho if the husbands are as content as their wives say they are...

YMMV

OK, yall are reaching here. I can't even get mad because yall mostly just sound pathetic. You relax to keep your husband wanting you and only you?

 

[Southernbella.]

Just because you are married doesn't mean that it is successful or happy as a couple people here have posted.

You know what they say about assuming ... . 'Cause you assumed wrong this time, Cap'n!

Happy Hair Growing!