DH wants me to relax because the natural look looks unpolished...

[LovinLea]

While agree she is saying it bluntly and harshly... and I wouldn't word it the same way

She does have a point

It's not racist to say that there ARE differences between the experiences of black people and white people. Including the black woman's hair experience.

The delivery... kinda harsh The message... 100% true.

i didn't think the point that there are differences between our experiences to be racist. it is different.

the fact that she keeps saying that she won't let a white woman talk to her about hair... no need to be so separatist.

 

[Neith]

i didn't think the point that there are differences between our experiences to be racist. it is different.

the fact that she keeps saying that she won't let a white woman talk to her about hair... no need to be so separatist.

I agree... no need to be separatist.

but I still agree that on one level someone who isn't black won't understand the whole issue. It's so ingrained in our culture. That was the point I think she was trying to get across.

 

[Kurlee]

I didn't bring up white people though. lol

I agree with you!

lol I know, you were just the most recent person to quote the issue, cuz I was too lazy to go back and find the original. Just the fact that so many are just discovering their "real hair" in their 20's and beyond and some still have no idea what their hair looks like without chemicals, shows that the hair thing is a "big deal" for us

 

[BostonMaria]

My DH decided that he wanted to grow out his hair. He has 4a/4b hair and as it got bigger I got angrier with him. Before you throw any stones, I have always loved a clean and cut look on men so this was disturbing to me LOL Fast forward to 2 years (2007) and here I was transitioning to natural and I finally understood why he wanted to do this. I also understood that my constant nagging and complaining was making him feel really bad about himself. He ended up cutting his hair and I felt horrible. He made the decision based on me being mean to him so it wasn't right. When I cut my hair in 2007 he decided to grow out his hair again LOL I can't say I love him with big hair, but I sure do accept it and know he'll eventually cut it and get over his mid-life crisis LOL but in the meantime I learned that I can accept him no matter what, he was still the same person on the inside. Just with more hair!

Don't relax your hair for your husband until you've had a serious talk with him explaining why you want to keep your natural hair and how this really hurts your feelings. Otherwise you will resent him and trust me he'll know. Like someone else said, maybe flatironing it once in a blue moon to make him happy might work too. I wish you luck with whatever you decide. *hugs*

 

[kkamara5]

I'm reading and I can't even fathom the THOUGHT of being weakminded enough to think "Oh well, what hubby says, goes!" No,no,NO! Compromise? Pfftt... he doesn't seem like the compromising type. He's already commanding her to get her hair relaxed and styled. Couldn't be me though because he would have had a swift drop kick to his head.

Honestly speaking...this reaction exemplifies the reason why black women are looked upon as being "angry"....or "aggressive"....
In no way am I saying that the OP should sacrifice her happiness for the sake of her husbands, however, marriage is about compromise...and yes her husband should love her for who she is, but I believe that she too should want to please him or feel beautiful for him...I dont know about anyone else, but I get a sense of femininity and sexiness when I know that my man is 100 percent attracted to everything about me....I would hate to think that there is something about me that he disapproves of...especially if a compromise can be reached......Not because I feel like he would love me any less, but because little things like this is what I believe makes the marriage strong... ....I'm not married, or in her shoes, however, when I get married I will try everyway possible to make my man happy....whether its keeping myself in shape, or looking my best....and I expect the same in return...

Im not suggesting that the OP should relax her hair.....I'm only saying maybe she could find an alternative such as straightening, doing braid-outs, or simply trying to educate her man on different hairstyles in general.....instead of dismissing his suggestions..

 

[Murjani]

Here we go.....

 

[BostonMaria]

Here we go.....

Yeah I just realized this thing is going to get the padlock right after I posted LOL I should've guessed it with the number of responses in one day. I hope the OP got something out of the real responses I'm still trying to figure out how white women got into this debate *goes to page 5*

 

[Mynappturalme]

How about a BKT treatment? You can still say your natural and he can see your hair strait.

 

[msa]

Since we're going down the road to the padlock anyway...

How is a bkt a compromise if the reason a person doesn't want to relax is because they don't want to alter their texture?

 

[Neith]

Honestly speaking...this reaction exemplifies the reason why black women are looked upon as being "angry"....or "aggressive"....
In no way am I saying that the OP should sacrifice her happiness for the sake of her husbands, however, marriage is about compromise...and yes her husband should love her for who she is, but I believe that she too should want to please him or feel beautiful for him...I dont know about anyone else, but I get a sense of femininity and sexiness when I know that my man is 100 percent attracted to everything about me....I would hate to think that there is something about me that he disapproves of...especially if a compromise can be reached......Not because I feel like he would love me any less, but because little things like this is what I believe makes the marriage strong... ....I'm not married, or in her shoes, however, when I get married I will try everyway possible to make my man happy....whether its keeping myself in shape, or looking my best....and I expect the same in return...

Im not suggesting that the OP should relax her hair.....I'm only saying maybe she could find an alternative such as straightening, doing braid-outs, or simply trying to educate her man on different hairstyles in general.....instead of dismissing his suggestions..

Some people are like that, some are not.

I'm in the "not" category. I would much rather want to live up to MY version of my "perfect" hair and body.

That doesn't mean that I don't take what he likes into consideration. It doesn't mean that I'm angry. It just means that I am my own person. I keep him happy WHILE keeping myself happy.

Some people can sacrifice hair easily. Some can't. Everyone is different. You pick and choose what you'll sacrifice based on how much it means to you.

It's not all about him (it's not ALL about me either)... it's about us both sharing eachother's lives COMFORTABLY and happily. If I am very uncomfortable doing something, I shouldn't have to just endure. I should be happy too!

 

[Kurlee]

Since we're going down the road to the padlock anyway...

How is a bkt a compromise if the reason a person doesn't want to relax is because they don't want to alter their texture?

i may sound unreasonable, but I just don't understand why she has so do all of that? You really think if the tables were turned, dude would be agonizing over what she thinks his hair should be cut or how he would line up his face? What if she wanted him to get an scurl to make his hair curlier? Would he be hop and skipping to it? Don't think so.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I have a question about something I've noticed overwhelmingly among Black naturals. Why is it that when "other women" feel that they look better with curly hair (if their hair is naturally straight) or even straight hair (if their hair is naturally wavy/curly, etc., they are not questioned for that or told that they somehow have a problem with identity/self-acceptance?

I think the better question is what qualifies one black natural woman to tell another black natural woman how she should feel about her hair or what style she should or should not like or deem appropriate for herself.

But I digress, OP I hope you and your husband find a happy medium.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I have not read the entire thread, but I agree that you need to find a happy medium so that you both get what you want.

My natural hair is now at a length that I love and I want to wear it out; however, DH is not there yet. He does love that my straightened hair is much thicker than it was when relaxed but he is not yet ready for me to wear my curly fro in public. DH does not want me to relax & he does not think natural hair looks unpolished, so I am not in your exact situation, but I do understand.

I see no reason to relax; however, you do have other options if you want to stay natural. There is nothing wrong with wanting look the way that YOUR husband prefers. I also do not agree that his preference for your hair demonstrates any issues within your marriage. Only you know if that suggestion has any merit; but most likely it's just a personal preference as it is with most of us. I love dreadlocks on my husband but some people may think they look unpolished.

My husband asked me to stop wearing weaves, which I had been wearing for many years including at the time we met, and I stopped. My weaves looked great but DH felt that my own hair (APL at the time) was already long.

When I decided to stop relaxing my hair, DH and I discussed it in advance. I have been transitioning since December 2007 with mini chops, using full wigs & half wigs because I was not comfortable with short hair nor was DH. At one point my relaxed hair was BSL and I usually kept my hair at APL or longer. I will continue to wear phony pony's & half wigs until we are BOTH comfortable with my natural hair.

 

[Kurlee]

I think the better question is what qualifies one black natural woman to tell another black natural woman how she should feel about her hair or what style she should or should not like or deem appropriate for herself.

But I digress, OP I hope you and your husband find a happy medium.

nothing does, but she asked for opinions so that's what she is getting . I just think some people can only see the surface of an issue and are happy to "play" at the surface level. If it works for them, then that's cool too. You have to do what works for you and what you have the capacity to do.

 

[BonBon]

I bind that in the name of Jesus. He loves me, just likes straight hair.

My post was sarcastic, I know he loves you lol

ETA: Its 3:30AM, I'm off to bed nothing is coming out right :/ I put the wrong smiley aswell *sigh* Sorry Jlove

 

[MizzBrown]

Since we're going down the road to the padlock anyway...

How is a bkt a compromise if the reason a person doesn't want to relax is because they don't want to alter their texture?

Aint that bout as worse as a relaxer w/ all the chemicals?

 

[msa]

i may sound unreasonable, but I just don't understand why she has so do all of that? You really think if the tables were turned, dude would be agonizing over what she thinks his hair should be cut or how he would line up his face? What if she wanted him to get an scurl to make his hair curlier? Would he be hop and skipping to it? Don't think so.

Oh I completely agree with you.

I just don't understand people saying that BKT is a compromise when it essentially does the same thing as a relaxer and it uses chemicals as well.

Hell, I don't even think straightening is a good compromise but at least it's not permanent (or semi-permanent).

All I know is I'm happy I don't have this problem.

 

[Kurlee]

Aint that bout as worse as a relaxer w/ all the chemicals?

well it's perceived as milder because it is not permanent and uses formaldehyde instead of lye

 

[Mynappturalme]

Since we're going down the road to the padlock anyway...

How is a bkt a compromise if the reason a person doesn't want to relax is because they don't want to alter their texture?

My goodness, Calm down. It is just a suggestion.

BKT is not permanant, it's temporary. She can do the BKT for month and natural for a month or something, that way she still doesn't loose her texture, BKT returns to your natural texture after so many washes. Switch it up.

Not all BKT uses Formaldehyde, there are plenty of naturals on this site that uses BKT and love it. Like I said just a suggestion good grief.

 

[msa]

Aint that bout as worse as a relaxer w/ all the chemicals?

IMO, it is worse. At least with a relaxer there are no fumes to breathe in. But hey, folks do what they gotta do.

As someone stated earlier, if her DH wanted her to go natural folks would be up in arms talking about "it's your hair, he doesn't understand that natural hair is unmanageable, you're the one who has to do it everyday" etc etc. Obviously, people will justify anything so long as it fits in with the predominant view of beauty.

 

[Kurlee]

Oh I completely agree with you.

I just don't understand people saying that BKT is a compromise when it essentially does the same thing as a relaxer and it uses chemicals as well.

Hell, I don't even think straightening is a good compromise but at least it's not permanent (or semi-permanent).

All I know is I'm happy I don't have this problem.

yea, it makes me uncomfortable that people have to wean their REAL HAIR that grows out of their head, that GOD gave them on someone. It just seems odd to me. It's your hair. You were born with and you can only change it if you put chemicals on it. Why is that something that you have to explain and compromise about? It's what you authentically are...... no frills. I'm not saying I am anti-relaxer, because to me, it's whatever floats your boat, but it would severely turn me off to have to give someone my real hair in small doses, so that they are still attracted to me or accept my hair. It just seems like a whole lot of mess over something I can't control (hair type).

 

[msa]

My goodness, Calm down. It is just a suggestion.

BKT is not permanant, it's temporary. She can do the BKT for month and natural for a month or something, that way she still doesn't loose her texture, BKT returns to your natural texture after so many washes. Switch it up.

Umm, I'm definitely calm.

Anyway, I understand it's not permanent. My point was if someone wants to be natural because they don't want to alter their texture, then bkt'ing is not a good compromise because it alters the texture (even if until it wears off, if it does). And if someone is against relaxers because of the chemicals, then bkt'ing is also not a compromise because it uses harsh chemicals as well.

 

[AsianAfricanPrincess]

Because they are not doing it in record numbers like we are. It takes a certain kind of mindset to make a majority of women of a certain race to feel like their natural hair is inadequate. I know someone will get mad at that statement but I think its completely true.

I agree with this statement in regard to relaxers...although, we STILL do immediately draw the conclusion that the purpose of relaxing must be due to some sort of self-hatred. I tend to think this is often a simplistic or default assumption common amongst many naturals. The reason people choose to relax or not relax are often very complex and diverse. But instead of giving each other a chance, we often observe other Black women from a position of judgment.

Also, I tend to look at history and the state of people today. I've encountered plenty of people with natural hair and a "Stepin Fetchit" mindset. PLENTY. However, I've encountered many people who are relaxed and involved in their communities and the empowerment of people of African descent. And without telling my age, the NOI, the Black Panthers were often filled with permies. And they were doing a lot more for their people then a lot of us think we're doing by simply wearing a natural hairstyle.

History and society have taught me that self-loathing, self-love, empowerment, denigration, and our perceptions of ourselves are tied in to way more than just our hair. That's simply scratching the surface.

I've been natural and relaxed (natural four times). Being natural has taught me to not assume that I know anyone else's reasons for relaxing. I would like to see us be warmer and more tolerant of each other in this regard. Having natural hair doesn't say anything at all (in my opinion) about someone's mindset.

And I learned that lesson the hard way.

 

[FluffyRed]

Nicole Kidman wears a lacefront almost all the time.

wow @ lacefronts!

Have you seen Dead Calm?

made me question her whiteness.

 

[Neith]

I see no reason to relax; however, you do have other options if you want to stay natural. There is nothing wrong with wanting look the way that YOUR husband prefers.

I totally agree with that.

but NOT if it's something that you truly don't want to do. If it has deep meaning to you... then I wouldn't do it.

I'm not trying to change anyone's mind about their hair. In this situation it depends on what the op feels. Some people freely cut/color and do whatever to their hair. It wouldn't be an issue for a person like that. Some natural women don't want any chance of damage or chemicals in their hair at all. If it were me I would find it to be upsetting. I'm aware that some people wouldn't.

Now.. let me go moisturize and seal my hair. So it can grow long and healthy. Cuz that's what MY man wants (but first and foremost, what I want)

 

[msa]

yea, it makes me uncomfortable that people have to wean their REAL HAIR that grows out of their head, that GOD gave them on someone. It just seems odd to me. It's your hair. You were born with and you can only change it if you put chemicals on it. Why is that something that you have to explain and compromise about. It's what you authentically are...... no frills. I'm not saying I am anti-relaxer, because to me, it's whatever floats your boat, but it would severely turn me off to have to give someone my real hair in small doses, so that they are still attracted to me or accept my hair. It just seems like a whole lot of mess over something I can't control (hair type).

I feel you on that.

Like I said, it couldn't be me. If you like me, then you like my fro. If you dislike my fro, then you dislike me. Simple.

 

[Kurlee]

wow @ lacefronts!

Have you seen Dead Calm?

made me question her whiteness.

her hair is some serious, kinky 3c with a little 3b. Gorgeous! Oh and the lady in ur siggy is beautiful!

 

[Crackers Phinn]

nothing does, but she asked for opinions so that's what she is getting .

Naw, her question was: Has anybody else been in her shoes?

 

[Kurlee]

Naw, her question was: Has anybody else been in her shoes?

well be argumentative if you'd like, but it is kind of implied that she wanted a response beyond yes I have or no I haven't, but I digress.

 

[msa]

My natural hair is now at a length that I love and I want to wear it out; however, DH is not there yet. He does love that my straightened hair is much thicker than it was when relaxed but he is not yet ready for me to wear my curly fro in public. DH does not want me to relax & he does not think natural hair looks unpolished, so I am not in your exact situation, but I do understand.

Your husband has super long locs but he's not ready for you to wear your curly fro in public?

That is...ummm...interesting.