Marriage dilemma

[Amour]

Hey Guys

To start i'm 22 years old and have been going out with my boyfriend since December 2005; who is 23 years old.

We are talked about marriage and know that we will get married some time in the future. We have decided (recently) to abstain from sex until we are married.

He feels like we should get married within a year and have children in about 3 years . I want to get married in maybe 2-3 years, in order to enjoy my independence and singleness and have children in maybe 6 years .

My question now is should Christians get married sooner rather than later after they have found the one they are certain they want to spend the rest of their lives with. Am I wrong for making him abstain for 2-3 years (abstaince has been much more of a struggle for him than me). I'm definately not up for children any time soon but i'm not totally against the idea of an early marriage, just a bit perplexed .

What are your thoughts?

 

[ladykaya]

Well religiously (I'm no preacher) you need to understand the marriage was made for a man and woman to join with the order of God and produce children to follow in His way.

I can understand you being torn, I was the same way with my husband we decided that we would marry after I was out school. so the 2-3 years can be understandable if you want to get through certain milestones or events in your life. But if its only to really enjoy your freedom, then you have to realize do you feel more free with him then without him.

There is always this thing about being "tied down" people don't realize the blessings behind companionship, love, and true family. I was married at 22 and my husband was 23. When we met we acted as if we knew each other for years. When we were officially dating we acted like a married couple. Now that we are married, people consider us "old folks" because we know God made us for each other. Just don't look at time as a reason to or not to get married because thats one of the many things that God controls and you should never live your life in regret for something you thought you had time to do.

As for kids, your never ready. We went on a vacation and having fun produced the best baby in the world. My son is an amazing kid and you just have to go with the flow on that. You can make plans for kids but do it with the intention of making sure you can provide the right environment and not that you just want your me time. Trust me you will be amazed how many people in your life will help you with your child and you will get the QT you need but you will be missing your children.

I hope this helps!

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

Hey Guys

To start i'm 22 years old and have been going out with my boyfriend since December 2005; who is 23 years old.

We are talked about marriage and know that we will get married some time in the future. We have decided (recently) to abstain from sex until we are married.

He feels like we should get married within a year and have children in about 3 years . I want to get married in maybe 2-3 years, in order to enjoy my independence and singleness and have children in maybe 6 years .

My question now is should Christians get married sooner rather than later after they have found the one they are certain they want to spend the rest of their lives with. Am I wrong for making him abstain for 2-3 years (abstaince has been much more of a struggle for him than me). I'm definately not up for children any time soon but i'm not totally against the idea of an early marriage, just a bit perplexed .

What are your thoughts?

That's so sweet. This guy respects you and he's sincerely longing for you gurl! Why don't you compromise...say, 1.5 years to marry and children in 4?

 

[Country gal]

He won't be around in 3 years so marry him now. When a man is ready to marry, they go out and get married. I have seen too many women put the wedding off only to end up still being single. One of my girlfriends married young too but they still don't have kids. They have been married for 4-5 years. Marriage does not always mean you will be popping babies out. If you love him and see yourself spending the rest of your life with him than why not get married????

 

[Itllbeokbaby]

i completely and totally agree with country gal.

marry within a year.

 

[TrustMeLove]

I would be concern with the idea of you wanting to be free. Why should he wait around and not do anything while you be free for 2-3 years. He wants to marry you....if you want to marry him and he is a man that is capable of taking care of you and any children to come than do it...IF God is leading you that way.

But, don't get married because it's convenient or you don't know if someone will ever ask you again. NO WAY JOSE!

Also, make sure you all have an understanding. If you honestly don't want to have kids in the next 2-3 years..he has to understand that and accept it..but if he is dead set on it and you are against it..than it wasn't meant to be. Don't put your wants beneath his...because you will be angry....and resentful.

Also don't say you can do it and than get in the marriage and don't do it. That's just being deceitful. Also listen to this by Pastor Mark Driscoll it's about Marriage and Men and Marriage and Women. POWERFUL! POWERFUL!

I understand your position completely. Except I would be getting marriag eand not having kids for a while either. I need to learn my husband..enjoy my husband..build a solid Christian marriage to bring children into...because those kids will leave and I don't want all of our marriage surrounded around the kids. NO no. Me personally. I just see too many people planning their divorces while the kids are 17 about to graduate...they didn't really know each other.


FYI: He comes off a bit harsh to the men...but he is totally different with the women. He says that's the way men speak to men. I was turned off by it at first, but I stuck with it and it BLESSED ME TREMENDOUSLY. I don't agree with him on the women working, but learned about being on one accord with your husband and how important that is..don't marry a man who feels his calling is being all over the world and you feel yours in in inner city street ministry. Come on now... I pray you seek God and get it worked out.

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/trial/marriage-and-men

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/trial/marriage-and-women

Here are those links I spoke about.

 

[music-bnatural-smile]

do whats right for you... after you pray about it
if you love him then marriage should be fun!
alot of people's suck but if its your best friend you have nothing to worry about...
make sure you guys keep communicating...
and Im turning 23 2morrow so just remember what is good for you... we live in a different time and era than many people, so i say cheers to you for wantin to get married, that is soooo awesome!!!
and if he loves you he will be around... keep it open thats all we can do... and try our best.

 

[Sweet C]

I remember when me and Dh were courting and he wanted to get married earlier but I had a five year plan that I wanted to accomplish. Well, God showed me that the season was prepared for me to get married and we got married probably about 1.5yrs into my 5 year plan. Neither one of us wanted children right away, and again I was thinking maybe 4 years after marriage. Well we had a dtr about 2.5 years later, and she is our pride and joy. So Just allow the Lord to lead you in this rlp, Jesus will never leave you astray.

 

[momi]

My thoughts: You both know you desire to marry one another and believe it is in God's will. I do not see any reason to put it off. The "experiencing life before I get married" thought is a big fat myth that does not compare to experiencing all of your milestones and accomplishments together as a married couple.

Trust me - like most have said here, you arent missing a thing!

 

[silenttullip]

Okay I'm 23 and engaged to a minister who is a tad older. We both feel you should marry when YOU are ready. People are advising you "from some of the replies" to marry quick cause he won't be around well lady if he isn't willing to wait 2-3 years then he ISN'T the one. If you marry sooner and rush it you will later come to resent him.

 

[momi]

Okay I'm 23 and engaged to a minister who is a tad older. We both feel you should marry when YOU are ready. People are advising you "from some of the replies" to marry quick cause he won't be around well lady if he isn't willing to wait 2-3 years then he ISN'T the one. If you marry sooner and rush it you will later come to resent him.

I disagree - see ladykayas post above for reasons why.

 

[Laela]

I think you're answering your own question here.. if he's the one and you two are talking marriage, it's just a matter of agreement on the terms. What other people think shouldn't have any bearing on your decision. Please look at the word "compromise" as a bad word.. for what we compromise, we lose. You have a young man who loves you, so I don't think he'll force you to do something you definitely don't want to do (have children early)

Have you two thought about pre-marital counseling for some guidance?

Hey Guys

To start i'm 22 years old and have been going out with my boyfriend since December 2005; who is 23 years old.

We are talked about marriage and know that we will get married some time in the future. We have decided (recently) to abstain from sex until we are married.

He feels like we should get married within a year and have children in about 3 years . I want to get married in maybe 2-3 years, in order to enjoy my independence and singleness and have children in maybe 6 years .

My question now is should Christians get married sooner rather than later after they have found the one they are certain they want to spend the rest of their lives with. Am I wrong for making him abstain for 2-3 years (abstaince has been much more of a struggle for him than me). I'm definately not up for children any time soon but i'm not totally against the idea of an early marriage, just a bit perplexed .

What are your thoughts?

 

[JinaRicci]

^^ I'm with the minority on this too.

For whatever reason-you don't feel ready and there's nothing anyone can do to change that but you. Other ladies on here still made a decision that felt right to them. A year might seem like a long time but you're not stringing him along and it will seem even longer if you make a decision that you're not ready for. Also, he sounds totally committed to you, any old person won't do.

Talk about it, get some counseling. The way I see it- the both of you will be waiting until the time is right.

btw, Congrats on your decision to abstain until marriage. That is just wonderful.

 

[Amour]

wow thank you so much ladies, for responding.

I must admit that the reasons I am against getting married at the moment are superficial. Things like enjoying being young, free & independent. The idea just scares me a little & I'm totally sure why

Maybe because I always had an idea in my head that I'd be in a different place once married than I am in today, i.e. older, fiancially secure, in a great career.

 

[TrustMeLove]

wow thank you so much ladies, for responding.

I must admit that the reasons I am against getting married at the moment are superficial. Things like enjoying being young, free & independent. The idea just scares me a little & I'm totally sure why

Maybe because I always had an idea in my head that I'd be in a different place once married than I am in today, i.e. older, fiancially secure, in a great career.

It's a SERIOUS covenant being entered into and you aren't taking it lightly. Also, when you get married your first and most important ministry is your marriage/family/husband since y'all don't have kids. ALl things come second.

Also, we as women are going into new territory..so it isn't something to be taken lightly. For some of us we may give up our careers and rely on him for sole support. Giving birth to children...is he going to be a good father..will he ever get in his mind he can leave and I be with the kids..

I know some men who honestly believe that if they are ever unhappy that's enough grounds to get a divorce. That marriage is really for their happiness. That AINT my definition so I couldn't marry that man.

So that could be the source of some of your fear. I also had fear because of all the bad things I learned about marriage. I read some books that helped me to see marriage in a better light. Now, I just have to marry a man who see's it the same way. I always saw it as bondage. Freedom gone...no longer independent...just say goodbye to my identity. It's now US or just him...no longer ME.

Well, it's definitely an US identity, but there is also a ME identity and a HIM identity. If anything marriage should help us both grow in our callings from God. Hopefully, y'all have similar callings....because that will make things ALOT easier.

And if Jesus came to set the captives free..why would such a precious covenant such as marriage be bondage? Doesn't make sense once the ticker starts ticking. So, I had the idea messed up and twisted.

 

[EbonyHairedPrincess]

I may get stoned for this but you don't sound ready to me erplexed.

The analogy I am going to use is a business. You have a business and your boyfriend has a business. You two have been thinking about merging your companies and producing a new product. You said your not totally against the merger but the timing is not under the terms you can agree on and you question if your ready to make a new product line right now. Why merger/settle if you don't like the term of the agreement?

If you two are not in agreement with foundational things like timing of marriage and children then let him go. He's not a good fit.

Allow the void to occur so it can be filled by God.

 

[PG480]

To quote Laela, Have you two thought about pre-marital counseling for some guidance?[/quote]


This sums it up best in your dilemna, seeking pre marital counseling at your church will help you best in your decision making

 

[Supergirl]

Do not rush into marriage. Even if you fear you will lose him, because a rushed marriage will likely be one that ends and you'll lose him later anyway. You should get married when both of you feel ready. Do not do it when only one of you is ready. If you do not have peace about it, then trust that and wait.

ETA: And NO, it is not wrong to "make" him abstain. Abstinence was God's design/plan in the first place. God made your bf's body and can help him deal with his urges. We are human--it is normal. My hubby and I had a six year courtship without sex. It can be done.

 

[Amour]

If you two are not in agreement with foundational things like timing of marriage and children then let him go. He's not a good fit.

I wouldn't let him go because our timing was not totally aligned. I also know that he wouldn't leave just because I'm 'not yet' ready. We have gone through so much together that it would be incomprehensible to imagine.

I guess will just need to talk it out abit more.

I would definately be open to pre marital counselling, I'm not sure whether it is available at my church, I will look into that.