Little Black Girls feeling inferior because of hair...

[HAIRapy]

Do you see this with the little girls you know? My daughter, who is 12 is still going through this. I always let her know that her hair is beautiful and let her style it ALMOST any way she wants. I also let her go to the hair salon once a month, so she can feel girly/womanly special LOL This has been going on for years though. I've always had hair alittle past my shoulder length hair for as far back as she can remember, but she's got this thing about the little white girls she sees on TV, she wants their hair.
I want to share a story with you, it was kinda funny, but so sad- the things kids say: She used to go to the suburban YMCA with her Pre-school to go swimming, she had to be about 4 years old. She came home one day with her hair looking a MESS! She had taken off her swimming cap while she was swimming because she wanted her hair to flow LOL. What was upset. Not sad, but mad! She said to me in her little voice "Mommy, why when we were swimming the lady (a white lady who was teaching the kids to swim) came out of the water and her hair was down, but my hair sticked up?" Yes, she said sticked up! It was cute, but sad. She was serious about this because she wanted her hair to be "down" like the lady. Do you ladies have this issue with the little ladies in your lives?

 

[almondjoi85]

awww... what did you tell your daughter? I don't have any children yet but I'm sure tons of little girls feel like this.

 

[HAIRapy]

awww... what did you tell your daughter? I don't have any children yet but I'm sure tons of little girls feel like this.

BTW, she doesn't remember this situation. When I tell her how she had her little mad face on with this hair all over the place, she cracks up!

I gave her a BIG hug and told her that her hair was perfect. I told her that her hair is just as good or better than that lady's hair because she could do way more stuff with her hair than that old lady ever could. Then we went in front of the mirror and I did some funny stuff with her hair making it stand up in funny shapes- I let her know that ole lady could NEVER do THIS with her ole limp hair and she was cracking up by the end of the conversation.

 

[neonbright]

It is hard, my daughter over 6 weeks ago was told my white neighbor daughter, why she wears her hair like poopoo, she needs to look normal like her and stop wearing her hair like that. What is normal to her is not for my daughter, for awhile she wore pony tails but now it is how she feels, she were her puffs still and I am glad. It was hard talking to her and letting her love her natural hair and not let some little prejudice girl next door call her stupid, and poopoo color and smell.

 

[tiffers]

I grew up in white schools and I had MAJOR hair issues. There were times when I hated myself for being black and I especially hated my short hair. I used to have dreams that I was the little mermaid with long, flowing hair. Then I'd wake up and cry. I never accepted my hair until LHCF, now I love it, but it was really hard.

I always tell my dd how beautiful her curly hair is, and she loves to wear it down all curly and wild. I worry that once she starts school, that will change. I really don't want her to feel how I felt, so I try my hardest to help her love herself.

 

[writtenthought]

My daughter will be two next month, and I only let her play with black dolls. I saw this study where they took a bunch of black children and ask them which doll they wanted. It was two identical dolls one black one white. Now why did all the children pick the white one. I want my daughter to know she's beautiful.I know that her not playing with white dolls is such a minor thing but it's one of the many things I do to help her embrace her race.

 

[Moroni]

When my daughter wore braids, some little white kids at her school wanted braids, too. Yes, she's said she wants her hair straight like mine, and I know she's influenced by her friends. She's wearing twists, now, and they bounce when she runs or tosses her head; and she loves brushing them out of her eyes, as she sees her friends do their hair.

I find fokti and other pics of beautiful, black women and we look at them, and I say that I wish I could look like that, to show her that I think they're pretty. We talk about how brown people are just as beautiful as peach people (her words, LOL). We don't watch television at all anymore, and that helps a lot, because when we did, she wanted to look like the girls on the disney channel....Hannah Montana, et. al.

 

[SweetCaramel1]

um hmmm. that's why every time i wash and style her hair i tell her how beautiful it is. it helps that she attends an all black school with girls who have similar hair. it may not always be that way in the future but hopefully she'll grow to love it so much you won't be able to tell her anything going forward

 

[Sui Topi]

oh boy....


When I was a little girl my sister and I used to put towels on our hair, put on these valley girl voices and strut around the place flipping our "hair" like nobody's business....my mom would just laugh at us but I wonder if it made her feel ways...I know I feel embarassed now adays thinking back. Another thing that kinda gave me a complex too was my hair is reeeeally curly and shrinks up alot and a friend of mine had the nerve to compare me and my best friend who's not such a shrinker and say "wow her hair keeps getting longer and yours keeps getting shorter."....meanwhile our hair was the same length, and hers was even becoming damaged due to constant hot combing...I think she boiled the shrinkage out of it...but yes that made me feel like my hair was garbage...then came the perm

 

[Leslie_C]

oh boy....


When I was a little girl my sister and I used to put towels on our hair, put on these valley girl voices and strut around the place flipping our "hair" like nobody's business....my mom would just laugh at us but I wonder if it made her feel ways...I know I feel embarassed now adays thinking back. Another thing that kinda gave me a complex too was my hair is reeeeally curly and shrinks up alot and a friend of mine had the nerve to compare me and my best friend who's not such a shrinker and say "wow her hair keeps getting longer and yours keeps getting shorter."....meanwhile our hair was the same length, and hers was even becoming damaged due to constant hot combing...I think she boiled the shrinkage out of it...but yes that made me feel like my hair was garbage...then came the perm

Same here. I grew up in a predominately white town and was often the only (or I was one of two or three) black kids in my class. I used to envy the girls with the long flowing hair and how they could wear it just in a headband,etc. I used to think that was the only definition of pretty...the mentality in my hometown was white was pretty and the only way a black girl was pretty was if she had light skin, light eyes, and "good" hair.

Not to mention my siblings and I are the black sheep in the family (no pun intented) and most of our cousins were the girls with the light skin and eyes and naturally curly hair. I got so tired of hearing "(blank) is your cousin? She is sooo pretty!"...imagine what that would do to your self esteem if that is all you heard growing up.

It wasnt until I grew up and got out of that dumb little town that I came to appreciate my own beauty and not consider myself lesser. It has been a liberating experience for me to grow into my own skin!

I plan to make sure when I have daughters that they know that brown skin is beautiful and there is nothing wrong with coarse hair,etc. When my fiance makes fun of my wild hair sometimes, I tell him he better get used to it because our daughter may very well have hair just like it lol.

 

[Kimberly]

My dd is 12 1/2 and in the 7th grade. I had her hair relaxed when she was six, before LHCF, and before I really knew any better. I have not put a relaxer in her hair in over a year now and we are transitioning her back to natural. When she was feeling angry and frustrated, I showed her some of the natural haired ladies avatars on here. I shared with her my hopes and dreams for her hair because she really does have beautiful hair and, if we work together, she can and will have a head full of thick, natural hair.

I was another one who only let my daughter play with black dolls. If she was going to have "babies", they were going to be babies that looked like her. I would let her stroke her hair and feel how soft and curly it was...I'd also let her brothers stroke her hair and feel how soft and curly it was and ask them "Doesn't Livvy have pretty hair?"....I know...I am either shamelessly brainwashing my sons or trying to teach them to appreciate natural beauty and the beauty in girls/women that look like their mother, sister, nana, granny, aunties, godmother, etc...

 

[*Muffin*]

I was raised by my grandmother, who is white and has blonde, straight hair, but she always made me feel beautiful. I didn't even know I was black or that she was white ! She used to put my hair up in curly little puffs and always took good care of my hair. She NEVER straightened it (my mom was the one who did that). But as time went on I started looking at some of my cousins who had straight hair and wished my hair could be like that. I used to put towels on my head and swing my "hair" around and pretend I was a princess. And I noticed that I never had any black dolls. I only played with white dolls. As I grew up I eventually came to embrace my race and who I am and now it's hard to believe I was ever like that. That's why it is so important for us to instill a love for our culture and our hair into our sons and daughters. If we don't they are going to grow up hating themselves and thinking that they are inferior to their straighter-haired/fairer skinned counterparts. We should love and have respect for ALL races, especially our own.

 

[bravenewgirl87]

My sister is four and she is going through the same thing. She will cry if she doesn't have her fake ponytail in her head. Everyone thinks I'm being cruel when I force her to not wear the crap. It just looks rediculous. However, can you blame her when her mother slaps weave on her head and tells her that now she looks presentable? I mean, thats our society.

Just reinforces that black beauty is wonderful and show her that same styles the white girls have on their hair can be done on ours.

 

[londonjakki]

My 10 yr old is natural...and thanks to LHCF with no heat her hair is around bsl or mbl (I'm not sure)...well my mil pressed her hair yesturday...so today she goes to school & when I picked her up she told me all the black boys were saying she was wearing a weave....(I told her tell them, if they want to see weave..look at their mothers)just kidding......LOL....anyway...... she normally has her hair in individual braids that shrink up and touch her shoulder......kids are soooo evil........I tell her everyday how beautiful she is & how gorgeous her natural hair is, & then she goes to school and gets grief from idiots........
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[lovelymissyoli]

My daughter will be two next month, and I only let her play with black dolls. I saw this study where they took a bunch of black children and ask them which doll they wanted. It was two identical dolls one black one white. Now why did all the children pick the white one. I want my daughter to know she's beautiful.I know that her not playing with white dolls is such a minor thing but it's one of the many things I do to help her embrace her race.

Wow...you and your family are stunning ! I loved your photos and your daughter is a cutie pie, unfortunately I couldn't comment on any of them though.

 

[writtenthought]

Thank you.

 

[sonce]

I was another one who only let my daughter play with black dolls. If she was going to have "babies", they were going to be babies that looked like her. I would let her stroke her hair and feel how soft and curly it was...I'd also let her brothers stroke her hair and feel how soft and curly it was and ask them "Doesn't Livvy have pretty hair?"....I know...I am either shamelessly brainwashing my sons or trying to teach them to appreciate natural beauty and the beauty in girls/women that look like their mother, sister, nana, granny, aunties, godmother, etc...

God bless you, I think you are doing the right thing and I love that you are proactive. A lot of parents give their kids lip service "oh but of course your hair is pretty" and then do nothing to reinforce the words. How many black mothers like their own hair? How many black parents give their kids black dolls to play with instead of buying white, often blond, straight-haired dolls? How many black women stop in their tracks to admire a nice fro they way they point and gasp and stare at long, straight hair? If you (not anyone here, just "you" in the general sense) crave "bouncy", "silky" straight hair then why be surprised or "sad" when your daughter craves straight hair and feels less than for not having straight hair? More black women need to start asking themselves honest questions instead of pretending they don't understand where their daughters' self-hatred comes from.

 

[bravenewgirl87]

God bless you, I think you are doing the right thing and I love that you are proactive. A lot of parents give their kids lip service "oh but of course your hair is pretty" and then do nothing to reinforce the words. How many black parents give their kids black dolls to play with? How many black mothers like their own hair? I practice what I preach by refusing to exalt straight hair over my own kind of hair, but the vast majority of black women do not do the same. If you (not anyone here, just "you" in the general sense) crave "bouncy", "silky" straight hair then why be surprised or "sad" when your daughter craves straight hair and feels less than for not having straight hair? Duh. More black women need to start asking themselves honest questions instead of pretending they don't understand where their daughters' self-hatred comes from.

But, how can these parents teach their daughters that when they don't believe it. Its hard to sell a crock of sh*t when you don't even think it smells good. But, yes, i agree with you.

 

[sonce]

But, how can these parents teach their daughters that when they don't believe it. Its hard to sell a crock of sh*t when you don't even think it smells good. But, yes, i agree with you.

Excellent question and this question you have asked is my exact point. The answer is that you either stop trying to sell a crock of sh*t or you first teach yourself to think it smells good and only then try to sell it. Trying to teach your daughter to believe what you don't believe is not going to work, hence why black girls (who have not yet learned to say one thing while thinking another) express inferiority so openly.

Black children's self-hatred and jealousy of other races' features is a symptom, not an isolated phenomenon. It is a symptom of the greater problem of self-hatred that the entire race suffers from. So, the black mother who wants to teach her daughter to stop envying the features (and it goes beyond hair) of the white, latina, asian, "light, bright, damn near white" girl next door should herself stop envying the features of the white, latina, asian, "light, bright, damn near white" woman next door. Focusing on the daughter is putting the cart before the horse. In order to have any hope of giving her daughter real pride in herself, the mother must first be honest with herself and become introspective about the fact that she and most people in her family probably suffer from the same feelings the daughter has.

 

[HAIRapy]

God bless you, I think you are doing the right thing and I love that you are proactive. A lot of parents give their kids lip service "oh but of course your hair is pretty" and then do nothing to reinforce the words. How many black mothers like their own hair? How many black parents give their kids black dolls to play with instead of buying white, often blond, straight-haired dolls? How many black women stop in their tracks to admire a nice fro they way they point and gasp and stare at long, straight hair? If you (not anyone here, just "you" in the general sense) crave "bouncy", "silky" straight hair then why be surprised or "sad" when your daughter craves straight hair and feels less than for not having straight hair? More black women need to start asking themselves honest questions instead of pretending they don't understand where their daughters' self-hatred comes from.

Amen, VERY well said! I'm the type of parent who did do the black dolls, had the little Black girl books, we've done things to reinforce self-esteem. I had to stop her with the Disney channel too, like someone else on this thread mentioned. I feel like I've done a good job. The only thing I feel guilty about is while she was going through this stage, here I was prancing around with a perm in my hair. Not weaves, just a perm. So you are absolutely right when you say that we have to lead by example. I am not even mad at you for speaking the truth, and I respect your honesty.

 

[LuvLiLocks]

Too sad. My 4 yr old told me one day after starting pre-k, that she wanted long hair. I told her that her hair was pretty and long enough (her little pigtails are about collar bone length). She said that "the girl with the yellow hair said her hair was short"
I just told her not to worry about that girl because she (my daughter) was beautiful and so is her hair.
Hopefully she'll have the attitude that my oldest daughter has, she loves her natural hair and always wants to show off her puff at school. Big sis is a soul diva

 

[Leslie_C]

Too sad. My 4 yr old told me one day after starting pre-k, that she wanted long hair. I told her that her hair was pretty and long enough (her little pigtails are about collar bone length). She said that "the girl with the yellow hair said her hair was short"
I just told her not to worry about that girl because she (my daughter) was beautiful and so is her hair.
Hopefully she'll have the attitude that my oldest daughter has, she loves her natural hair and always wants to show off her puff at school. Big sis is a soul diva

I remember when I was in kindergarten I was telling my sister that my best friend at school had yellow hair. She was like, u mean blonde. I was like NO, ITS YELLOW!!!

 

[LuvLiLocks]

I remember when I was in kindergarten I was telling my sister that my best friend at school had yellow hair. She was like, u mean blonde. I was like NO, ITS YELLOW!!!

It is yellow! blonde isn't a color to most 4 year olds. I didn't even try to correct my baby.

 

[Dayjoy]

I've been going through this with my DD too. She is five and in kindergarten now, but last year she wanted her hair to be like her blond, straight-haired schoolmate that wears the headbands. This was after I spent her whole life telling her how beautiful our brown skin is and how pretty her 4a hair is. She has only black dolls (except for Dora and the two that my MIL bought) and people in her life who constantly tell her how beautiful she is. In spite of all this we still have to fight against society and the media. I try to tell her that there are many different ways to see beautiful and that if someone says that her blond classmate is pretty it doesn't diminish any of her outstanding beauty. This year we have discovered twists and box braids (thanks LHCF) so now she can swing with the "other girls." She loves her cornrows with beads too.

 

[crazydaze911]

When my daughter wore braids, some little white kids at her school wanted braids, too. Yes, she's said she wants her hair straight like mine, and I know she's influenced by her friends. She's wearing twists, now, and they bounce when she runs or tosses her head; and she loves brushing them out of her eyes, as she sees her friends do their hair.

I find fokti and other pics of beautiful, black women and we look at them, and I say that I wish I could look like that, to show her that I think they're pretty. We talk about how brown people are just as beautiful as peach people (her words, LOL). We don't watch television at all anymore, and that helps a lot, because when we did, she wanted to look like the girls on the disney channel....Hannah Montana, et. al.

OMG - my step daughter is 13 now, but ever since she was little, she used the same terminolgy to describe the races. is it universal? lol

 

[Jetblackhair]

My daughter will be two next month, and I only let her play with black dolls. I saw this study where they took a bunch of black children and ask them which doll they wanted. It was two identical dolls one black one white. Now why did all the children pick the white one. I want my daughter to know she's beautiful.I know that her not playing with white dolls is such a minor thing but it's one of the many things I do to help her embrace her race.

Looking back to when I was a little girl, I didn't like the black dolls because they had short curly hair. I wanted to play with dolls with long hair and only the white ones had long hair. My hair didn't even look like the black dolls' hair. I grew up in the age of the Chrissy and Velvet dolls (white dolls w/ long hair). Barbie's black friend Christy even had short curly hair. Finally a black Chrissy doll with long hair was made and that was great. Now, if I had a daughter I know I would buy her mostly black dolls, with different hair lengths.

 

[Ganjababy]

It seems many black girls around the world go through this. I grew up in Jamaica where 95% of the population is black, in the most militant/cultural home where my parents wore African clothes and my Mom wore her hair natural. We were not allowed to play with white dolls or watch television (the only time we watched telly was when Alex Haley's Roots the miniseries came on and suddenly a telly appeared). When my parents were not around my older sister and I still put towels on our heads and swang it. Once my parents had a German lady visit us and she had waist length blond hair. I gave this woman no space that day. I spent the whole day playing in her hair and told her that I wished I had her hair. When I saw the embarrassment and shock in my fathers face I could not understand it. After she left I was told by my Dad that my kinky hair was beautiful and if he ever saw me playing in another white persons hair like that again he would whip my ***. By the time I was 12 I grew out of this phase.............but it was only because of the positive reinforcement I received from my parents. Because, in the outside world it was obvious that the blacker you were the, the less valued you were. My little sister also went through this phase. She is very light and I am very dark. When she was 6 and I was 16 I overheard her two best friends who were these little Indian girls from next door telling her that she was their best friend because, like them she was not black. She started going around telling everyone that she was not black, she was beige. Once a family friend commented that I was very pretty and my little sister said "I am the pretty one because I am beige, she is too black". With time she too grew out of this phase.

 

[crazydaze911]

It seems many black girls around the world go through this. I grew up in Jamaica where 95% of the population is black, in the most militant/cultural home where my parents wore African clothes and my Mom wore her hair natural. We were not allowed to play with white dolls or watch television (the only time we watched telly was when Alex Haley's Roots the miniseries came on and suddenly a telly appeared). When my parents were not around my older sister and I still put towels on our heads and swang it. Once my parents had a German lady visit us and she had waist length blond hair. I gave this woman no space that day. I spent the whole day playing in her hair and told her that I wished I had her hair. When I saw the embarrassment and shock in my fathers face I could not understand it. After she left I was told by my Dad that my kinky hair was beautiful and if he ever saw me playing in another white persons hair like that again he would whip my ***. By the time I was 12 I grew out of this phase.............but it was only because of the positive reinforcement I received from my parents. Because, in the outside world it was obvious that the blacker you were the, the less valued you were. My little sister also went through this phase. She is very light and I am very dark. When she was 6 and I was 16 I overheard her two best friends who were these little Indian girls from next door telling her that she was their best friend because, like them she was not black. She started going around telling everyone that she was not black, she was beige. Once a family friend commented that I was very pretty and my little sister said "I am the pretty one because I am beige, she is too black". With time she too grew out of this phase.

Thats another issue. I have a sister who has a different father but i grew up with her all my life so i consider her my 'full' sister. however, she looks nothing like me. I grew up feeling inferior cuz she had light skin and waist length 'less knotty' hair. it was still curly, but the 'good kinda curly' where it didnt need to be relaxed. Im still not over this fully - lol. Does anyone here have two childen with very different kinds of hair? if so, do pple often compliment the one with the "good" hair and make the other feel bad?
Also - i remember being jealous of my phillipino friend cuz she would cut her hair to neck length and it would be back to midback in less than a year - all the while, my hair was shoulder or airpit length without fail and with no change.

 

[tthreat08]

Do you see this with the little girls you know? My daughter, who is 12 is still going through this. I always let her know that her hair is beautiful and let her style it ALMOST any way she wants. I also let her go to the hair salon once a month, so she can feel girly/womanly special LOL This has been going on for years though. I've always had hair alittle past my shoulder length hair for as far back as she can remember, but she's got this thing about the little white girls she sees on TV, she wants their hair.
I want to share a story with you, it was kinda funny, but so sad- the things kids say: She used to go to the suburban YMCA with her Pre-school to go swimming, she had to be about 4 years old. She came home one day with her hair looking a MESS! She had taken off her swimming cap while she was swimming because she wanted her hair to flow LOL. What was upset. Not sad, but mad! She said to me in her little voice "Mommy, why when we were swimming the lady (a white lady who was teaching the kids to swim) came out of the water and her hair was down, but my hair sticked up?" Yes, she said sticked up! It was cute, but sad. She was serious about this because she wanted her hair to be "down" like the lady. Do you ladies have this issue with the little ladies in your lives?

I have experienced this with my daughters. They have two different textures (same two parents-just different textures between the two of the them). The youngest one is 3b while the older one is more like 4a maybe. Well, when the youngest one would get her hair wet, it would go down and curly. The older one's hair when wet goes OUT and curly. The older one had problems with this. THEN after my constant coaching and kudos on how beautiful BOTH heads of hair were, the oldest one came home from her suburban predominately white school and SAID,

"Mommy I want BLONDE hair and BLUE eyes, and I want my hair straight".....so I did not wait to pass go, did no wait to collect $200, I dis-enrolled her from the school she was in (only chocolate love drop in her class) and placed her in a more DIVERSE school sprinkled with ALL different ethnicities. NOW, she sees other kids like herself at school and has her own confidence. Every child is different. She's the only one of my children that had this issue. She now loves her hair, and when her little friends want to dress alike or what not....she doesn't ask for BLONDE hair, only "make it into one ponytail with bangs mommy" or something like that. Incidently her group of frineds is diverse but she still is confident in herself. I thank God for revealing to me the change she needed.

 

[crazydaze911]

I have experienced this with my daughters. They have two different textures (same two parents-just different textures between the two of the them). The youngest one is 3b while the older one is more like 4a maybe. Well, when the youngest one would get her hair wet, it would go down and curly. The older one's hair when wet goes OUT and curly. The older one had problems with this. THEN after my constant coaching and kudos on how beautiful BOTH heads of hair were, the oldest one came home from her suburban predominately white school and SAID,

"Mommy I want BLONDE hair and BLUE eyes, and I want my hair straight".....so I did not wait to pass go, did no wait to collect $200, I dis-enrolled her from the school she was in (only chocolate love drop in her class) and placed her in a more DIVERSE school sprinkled with ALL different ethnicities. NOW, she sees other kids like herself at school and has her own confidence. Every child is different. She's the only one of my children that had this issue. She now loves her hair, and when her little friends want to dress alike or what not....she doesn't ask for BLONDE hair, only "make it into one ponytail with bangs mommy" or something like that. Incidently her group of frineds is diverse but she still is confident in herself. I thank God for revealing to me the change she needed.

Good call. And very take charge on your part - i know what a pain it can be to move a child to another school, but it was definitely worth it.