How do I lovingly tell her the truth?

[inthepink]

A friend said something to me today and it has gotten me all shaken up. I am worried about it probably more than most people would.

My friend was basically abandoned by her husband (he claimed he fell out of love with her etc. etc.) and has been separated for probably 4 years+ and now divorced almost 2 years. She has not dated anyone during all of this time.

I'd love for her to meet someone new and great.

Her good friend recently introduced her to this guy. This guy is in the "process of a divorce" (AKA married) and I guess they have been texting back and forth. Her friend thought they would have something in common b/c he was also abandoned by his wife.

First red flag - HE'S MARRIED!!! Separated is still married!!!!

So, my friend excitedly tells me she has a date after all this time.

Fine great but HE'S MARRIED!! So, I lovingly say "I understand he's separated but he is still married." And then I asked her how she felt about that.

She said that it wasn't really a date and they were just going out as friend b/c they have a lot in common (AKA abandoned by their spouses).

Second Red flag - emotional connection with married man!!!

I told her then that in friendships between men and women one or the other is typically wanting more and they will be easily building an emotional connection due to the same abandoned by their spouses issue.

She did not say anything else.

Why don't people get this? Why do people put them in situations to get hurt? Or do something that is outside of the will of God?

She goes to church a couple of times a month with her children. Is she saved? I do not know.

But church, saved, not saved, whatever - it's just a bad situation!

What do you tell people in these situations? We are supposed to speak the truth and do it lovingly. What do you do when you know they don't want to hear it b/c they want to do THEIR will and not God's?

 

[msa]

What do you tell people in these situations? We are supposed to speak the truth and do it lovingly. What do you do when you know they don't want to hear it b/c they want to do THEIR will and not God's?

You already pointed out that he's married and their relationship isn't a good idea. I wouldn't say anything else because she's a grown person and she can handle hers. And who knows what God's will is for her life, certainly not you. Maybe she is in this situation to learn something. You spoke the truth, you did it lovingly, you did your part.

I don't even know what else to say...it's just confusing and makes me think of a whole other topic - why go to church and not really choose to become a mature Christian and learn? There were times when I really didn't know that homosexuality was a sin but I learned b/c I wanted to learn more about God after becoming a Christian. Oh...do you guys know what I mean? I just frustrates me. You can't just go to church and that's enough. It's NOT!!! If she was learning and growing, wouldn't she know this was not ok!?

Everybody's experience is not going to be your experience. You shouldn't feel frustrated over someone else's walk. Maybe for her, right now just going to church is an accomplishment. Just let God handle it.

And just because someone is learning and growing, doesn't mean they'll know a specific thing is wrong. A person can be in church 24/7/365 and the fact is we're all going to make mistakes and sin because we're human. We don't always do the right thing.

All you can do is pray for her. Focus your energy on that.

 

[inthepink]

Thanks msa. I appreciate your response.

I even deleted my vent b/c I realized it was just that - a vent. Something I am trying desperately to understand.

I do know everyone's walk isn't mine and I'm so far from perfect and this shows that!

Thanks though. I just can't be that person who says "Oh, great! Have fun." Something I just have to figure out, I guess.

 

[msa]

Thanks though. I just can't be that person who says "Oh, great! Have fun." Something I just have to figure out, I guess.

And you shouldn't be. When people ask my opinion on their situation I give the truth. If you ask what I would do, then I'm going to tell you what I would do, not what you want to hear. My friends know not to ask my opinion if they don't really want to hear it.

I think you did your part. You told her how you felt. That's what's required of you as a friend.

 

[inthepink]

And you shouldn't be. When people ask my opinion on their situation I give the truth. If you ask what I would do, then I'm going to tell you what I would do, not what you want to hear. My friends know not to ask my opinion if they don't really want to hear it.

I think you did your part. You told her how you felt. That's what's required of you as a friend.

msa - Thank You! I couldn't say much more than that, and I did think twice before I said it making sure I was saying it as lovingly as possible. I guess that's all I can do.

Maybe at the same time, I am hoping to help other people see things God's way. I am a teacher at heart and I think that's what gets me into trouble. I like to help and enlighten people and encourage them to learn more.

 

[Lucie]

Well, he was abandoned by his wife. Abandoned means no contact with his wife, right? I don't think you should get yourself all worked up. If your friend made it this far, I am sure she knows what's right and what's wrong.

 

[inthepink]

Well, he was abandoned by his wife. Abandoned means no contact with his wife, right? I don't think you should get yourself all worked up.

Not necessarily. Just meaning, they left b/c they don't want to be married anymore.

If your friend made it this far, I am sure she knows what's right and what's wrong.

I sure hope you're right.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Like I said in the other thread, righteous anger is no sinful but a good thing. Be careful not to become judgemental but its cool to be geniunely concerned for the condition of her heart. Jesus rised heck in the temple. God gets angry. The Holy Spirit is grieved. Unless she can see a divorce certificate and know that his wife commited adultery against him, she is out of the will of God. Marriage is a blood convenant between two individuals and God. Thats not something you mess around with. Righteous anger is necessary to me because when you know the Gospel of Jesus Christ and understand the power and sacredness of it, you get upset with people that proclaim themselves to be Christians pervert it. This is what I believe from my studies and understanding.
http://www.gotquestions.org/Jesus-angry.html

 

[kandake]

How long has the guy been separated and what kind of contact does he have with is wife? Has he tried to start divorce proceedings but can't because of time restrictions? Does he have any unresolved issues? etc. etc. etc. There's a lot of stuff to think about in this situation. Its not cut and dry.

I'm sure your friend knows what she's getting herself into seeing as though she's been where he is. It may not be right in your eyes but its her life.

Also, I dated someone while separated. I had been separated for about year and half with very limited contact with my ex. The marriage was over but the divorce wasn't finalized. I was ready to date and I didn't need the court to stamp my papers to know that my marriage was over.

Also, if you look at it from a biblical point of view those who date divorced people are still committing adultery so...

 

[inthepink]

Like I said in the other thread, righteous anger is no sinful but a good thing. Be careful not to become judgemental but its cool to be geniunely concerned for the condition of her heart. Jesus rised heck in the temple. God gets angry. The Holy Spirit is grieved. Unless she can see a divorce certificate and know that his wife commited adultery against him, she is out of the will of God. Marriage is a blood convenant between two individuals and God. Thats not something you mess around with. Righteous anger is necessary to me because when you know the Gospel of Jesus Christ and understand the power and sacredness of it, you get upset with people that proclaim themselves to be Christians pervert it. This is what I believe from my studies and understanding.
http://www.gotquestions.org/Jesus-angry.html

Yes, this is how I feel. There's such a thin line where judgment is concerned so I am choosing not to be judgmental and just told her lovingly what I thought she could consider. I have to leave the rest up to God. But it is all out of my concern for her. As well, God wants to protect us. I will just have to pray for her to hear that. Thing is, I am honestly not sure if she even knows.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Its not that we should be judge but to understand that the same judgement we pass on otherselves we will be measured by the same. So we should shy away from drawing conclusions about people. Thats not to say we dont get angry about the sin. We should just never classify a person indefinitely by their sin.

Also refraining from drawing conclusions about people keeps us from thinking we are holier and better than others. Pride is a deadly sin and hated by God. We should never be self-righteous but God righteous.

But you expressed your concern and thats about as much as you can do. All you can do now is pray that God's will be done in her life and her heart's protected.

 

[inthepink]

Its not that we should be judge but to understand that the same judgement we pass on otherselves we will be measured by the same. So we should shy away from drawing conclusions about people. Thats not to say we dont get angry about the sin. We should just never classify a person indefinitely by their sin.

Also refraining from drawing conclusions about people keeps us from thinking we are holier and better than others. Pride is a deadly sin and hated by God. We should never be self-righteous but God righteous.

But you expressed your concern and thats about as much as you can do. All you can do now is pray that God's will be done in her life and her heart's protected.

When you say drawing conclusions and classifying someone - what would be an example of that?

Would that be if I noticed someone doing something outside the will of God and just was "done with them?"

I just want to make sure I understand and want to know if it's something I do or don't do.

The word "judgmental" and "judging" is thrown around so much but the meanings are so confusing.

So, is it that we are to refrain from "ultimate" judgment? Because if something is wrong, it's just wrong whether someone has "judged" it to be wrong or not...correct?

Seems I'm always confused.

 

[inthepink]

Ok, I read this from gotquestions.org

In Matthew 7:2-5, Jesus warns against judging someone else for his sin when you yourself are sinning even worse. That is the kind of judging Jesus commanded us not to do. If a believer sees another believer sinning, it is his Christian duty to lovingly and respectfully confront the person with his sin (Matthew 18:15-17). This is not judging, but rather pointing out the truth in hope—and with the ultimate goal—of bringing repentance in the other person (James 5:20) and restoration to the fellowship. We are to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). We are to proclaim what God's Word says about sin. 2 Timothy 4:2 instructs us, "Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage — with great patience and careful instruction." We are to "judge" sin, but always with the goal of presenting the solution for sin and its consequences—the Lord Jesus Christ (John 14:6).

That makes total sense to me.

How do you cross the line to being self-righteous? (Want to make sure I never go there!)

 

[inthepink]

I can't quote my "vent" that I deleted but that would probably be defined as being self-righteous! I wonder why others don't try like I try. I'm enlightened! Thing is, I just WANT everyone to know what God wants and to be protected! It comes from a good place but nevertheless, I admit my sin. I'll work on changing my thoughts.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Its easy to be self-righteous. Desiring others to see as you see is not self-righteous though. Being angry, resentful, or condenscending toward someone because they do not see as see is self-righteous.

I can't quote my "vent" that I deleted but that would probably be defined as being self-righteous! I wonder why others don't try like I try. I'm enlightened! Thing is, I just WANT everyone to know what God wants and to be protected! It comes from a good place but nevertheless, I admit my sin. I'll work on changing my thoughts.

 

[inthepink]

Its easy to be self-righteous. Desiring others to see as you see is not self-righteous though. Being angry, resentful, or condenscending toward someone because they do not see as see is self-righteous.

Ah! Ok, that makes sense.

Thank you!

 

[Irresistible]

A friend said something to me today and it has gotten me all shaken up. I am worried about it probably more than most people would.

My friend was basically abandoned by her husband (he claimed he fell out of love with her etc. etc.) and has been separated for probably 4 years+ and now divorced almost 2 years. She has not dated anyone during all of this time.

I'd love for her to meet someone new and great.

Her good friend recently introduced her to this guy. This guy is in the "process of a divorce" (AKA married) and I guess they have been texting back and forth. Her friend thought they would have something in common b/c he was also abandoned by his wife.

First red flag - HE'S MARRIED!!! Separated is still married!!!!

So, my friend excitedly tells me she has a date after all this time.

Fine great but HE'S MARRIED!! So, I lovingly say "I understand he's separated but he is still married." And then I asked her how she felt about that.

She said that it wasn't really a date and they were just going out as friend b/c they have a lot in common (AKA abandoned by their spouses).

Second Red flag - emotional connection with married man!!!

I told her then that in friendships between men and women one or the other is typically wanting more and they will be easily building an emotional connection due to the same abandoned by their spouses issue.

She did not say anything else.

Why don't people get this? Why do people put them in situations to get hurt? Or do something that is outside of the will of God?

She goes to church a couple of times a month with her children. Is she saved? I do not know.

But church, saved, not saved, whatever - it's just a bad situation!

What do you tell people in these situations? We are supposed to speak the truth and do it lovingly. What do you do when you know they don't want to hear it b/c they want to do THEIR will and not God's?

Awww girl just pray for her, I Fell HARD and the LORD saw me through every painful step. He will take care of her

its not easy somtimes to stand and stand and stand. She just wants to be happy and all she sees right now is that, trust the LORD will in fact open her heart and eyes to where she needs to be at the right time

it hurt everyone around me while I HURT, but the LORD IS SOOO FAITHFUL!

If she falls , and nobody can really say for sure God is not in this, just love her either way sweetie