Did/Do Your Parents Abuse the 'Honor Your Parents' Code?

[seraphim712]

This question came to me when I was posting a response in a previous thread I started. I know that we are supposed to honor our parents, but I used to feel that my mom would abuse that code and try to twist it around to get her children to do what she wanted even if what she wanted was wrong.

I remember one Sunday afternoon after church, my family and I went to a Ryan's buffet to eat. Well if anyone has been to Ryan's you all know that they have those really good dinner rolls that spread honey butter all over *yum* I think that there was a rule that you couldn't take any food out of restaurant without paying for a plate to take home (which is pretty understandable since it was an all you can eat buffet)which is why the incident b/w me and my mom occured(I was 19 at the time).

After we were finished eating, my mom took some dinner rolls, wrapped them up in a napkin, handed them to me under the table and told me to sneak them into my purse. I would've as a reaction from doing what my mom tells me to do, but I stopped as a small voice spoke to my heart and said 'Don't put those into your purse, you'll be stealing if you do.' I told my mom that I wasn't going to do that since it would be considered stealing. This is where she got nasty and was trying to say I was acting 'holier than thou' and that disobedient children don't live half their days and so on so forth. I didn't say anything due to being intimidated by my mom at the time, but my sister (who was clearly upset with my mom) intervened and told her that I knew that what my mom asked me to do was wrong, and if I got caught, I would be the one in trouble, not her.

The dispute went on for five minutes, until my dad told us all to be quiet and not to argue(I did as he said since he was the head of the house), but my mom continued to do verbal battle with my sister. My dad ended up leaving the table and went to the car( I guess to keep from raising his voice and to keep from getting angrier). To make a long story short, my mom made the whole scenario out to look like she was the victim and I was being the disobedient child who didn't obey her commands.

This is what I consider abusing the 'Honor Your Parent's' code. What do you all think?

 

[seraphim712]

Here's another story of when my mom would try an abuse the Honor Your Parents code and put me through a guilt trip in trying to enjoy my life. For example, my second year in college is when I met my boyfriend, he asked if I wanted to come down and meet his parents for Christmas. I agreed, but I wanted to pass it through to my parents first to see if was okay with them. Of course my mom said no, but the way she would pull this trick and it made me feel guilty. She would say 'If you don't listen to your parents or honor your parent's wishes, the Holy Spirit will intervene and something bad will happen. God doesn't allow disobedient children live out half their years.' It was like she was trying to put a death curse on me if I didn't run things by her first, and if I didn't tell her, my life will end quickly. This was also when I was intimidated by my mother.

After praying hard about it, and talking to others such as my Dad and aunt) I came to realize that I was an adult and no longer a child. I could make my own decisions and had sense enough to know right from wrong. I would always be my mom's daughter but no longer a little girl to be given orders to. Honoring your parents meant respecting and obeying your parents when you were under their authority, but when you yourself became an adult, it meant respecting your parents still, but you didn't have to take orders from them anymore (especially if they told you to do something that you knew was wrong), except when in their household.

So after relieving myself of that known burden, I went with my boyfriend to his parent's house for spring break. I let my dad, aunt, and uncle know that I would be down there for a week and left them my cell number, my boyfriend's cell number and his parent's cell and house numbers. I didn't let my mom know until I called to wish my older sister a happy birthday. Here's the scenario(This is after I spoken w/ my sister):

Mom: "So what are you doing today?"

Me: "Nothing much, I'm at my boyfriend's house watching t.v"

Mom: pauses_ "Oh...how long have you been down there?"

Me: "Since Monday." (It was Saturday when I had this conversation)

Mom: "Oh, okay just be careful and be safe."

Me: "I am. I made sure to let dad know where I was before I left"

Mom: " Okay then talk to later."

This is when the conversation ended until later that night when my boyfriend and I went to Walmart to get something for his dad and to pick his sister up from work.

Me: "Hi, mom"

Mom: "Hi, is your boyfriend's mom around? I would like to speak with her."

Me: "No, we're at Walmart right now, but as soon as we get back to his house I'll let her know that you want to speak to her."

Later back at my boyfriend's house, his mom said she didn't mind speaking to my mom and I called my mom again and let them both talk. I believe the call was about 30 min. After my boyfriend's mom hung up, she called me and my boyfriend to the living room.

BF's Mom: (to me) "How old are you?"

Me: "I'm 19 going on 20."

BF's Mom: "Your mom said that you didn't ask her permission first to come down to our house and I knew to ask her first."

Me: "I had informed my dad before I came on where I was going."

BF's Mom: "I know, I just thought it was funny how she was trying to get my son (my boyfriend) in trouble by saying that he didn't ask her permission either."

Me: sighs "He also spoke to my dad before I came down here."

The day, my mom calls me back and acted as if nothing happens and asks me if I can pay $200.00 (which is how much I used to get paid every two weeks at that time) on her cable bill.

I called my dad and told him what had happened and boy was he upset! He said "She wants you to ask her permission to go to your boyfriend's house but wants you to use your whole d*** paycheck to pay her cable bill!!!"

I couldn't help putting the little laughing icon there because it was funny how my dad said it even though he was upset. He told me not to pay because I needed my money for college and that she gets enough money from him to pay the bills.

I'm sorry if this was long, but it was one of the examples in what I was speaking about in my previous post, and previous thread.

 

[Enchantmt]

My parents didnt abuse it, but my mom was good for a guilt trip on the spur of the moment.

You are promised long life for respecting your parents (Ephesians 6:1-3 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.) but the bible also gives instructions to parents. (Colossians 3:21, Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.) There is supposed to be mutal respect, and parents are to properly guide their children.

Your story reminded me of my mom. She always told us not to lie, but when some of her friends called that she didnt want to be home for she got around that by going into the other room. "I'm in this room, you are in that room, so I'M NOT THERE."

 

[cocoberry10]

After we were finished eating, my mom took some dinner rolls, wrapped them up in a napkin, handed them to me under the table and told me to sneak them into my purse. I would've as a reaction from doing what my mom tells me to do, but I stopped as a small voice spoke to my heart and said 'Don't put those into your purse, you'll be stealing if you do.' I told my mom that I wasn't going to do that since it would be considered stealing.

I am sooooooo glad you posted this. I don't have this problem with my parents (Thank You Jesus). However, my mother has this problem with her father, who is in many ways an "unbeliever." Your post was sooo on time.

I have been trying to convince my mother of the exact same thing that you say about your mother with respect to her father. And ironically, the exact example I gave was "if your father told you to walk into a store and steal something, would that be okay? Would that be "honoring your father and mother?"

My grandfather is in poor health, and really needs to be put into assisted living (truthfully, he could be put into a nursing home, but we wouldn't do that to him). Anyway, he has manipulated, guilt tripped and controlled his children in the most abusive way. He refused to put their mother into an assisted living home, when she was alive and she had Alzheimer's. The whole family helped as much as we could and there was some home health aid assistance (and nurse care). We would help wash her, dress her, etc. We took her to doctor's appointments, etc. all to honor his wishes of keeping her out of a home. And praise God, we were able to.

Now he is ill. He's blind, and is sick and really can't go anywhere, and he has moved in with one of my aunt's and her husband. And he's driving them crazy. My uncle had a heart attack last year, so I am concerned with his health. My aunt has been extremely stressed, and depressed b/c of how abusive her father is. All through their childhood my grandfather always talked about how perfect my mother was and how wonderful and compared the siblings to her and how lousy they were in comparison, b/c she was the oldest girl and had to take care of the younger siblings (b/c her parents had to work). My mom goes over there everyday, but my grandfather always finds ways to divide and conquer the kids. He starts trouble, trying to get the siblings to fight with one another, and it's working to some extent. Every time my mother goes over there, now he complains that "she needs to give her sister and husband more time off, b/c doesn't my mother know that he [my grandfather] is a bastard to deal with?"

He's also created division with his sons and daughters (there are 5 children total). He cut the sons out of the will, b/c he said they are good for nothings and worse than slime, and he's ashamed they're his sons, so of course there's hurt feelings there too.

Also, he doesn't want to go to a home, and he's shamed his kids into putting him in one, saying that to honor thy mother and father. He used to guilt trip them about not coming to help with their mother (even though they did a lot) by saying that if they couldn't come exactly when he wanted them, it was b/c they didn't love their mother, and that they were helping him b/c it was their mother. No, they were helping him, b/c it was for himself. He would often leave the house and go out for hours, leaving them there, w/no sense of when he was coming back.

Some parents are abusive, plain and simple. I've prayed about this situation, and God has shown me that it is not wrong for my mom, aunts and uncles to put my grandfather in a home. None of them are really qualified to care for him properly. They have to leave him during the day, sitting in the same position, in his adult diaper. He doesn't get outside much, he doesn't have friends, and he is miserable. But he would rather live like this, than go to a home b/c he thinks that's what honoring your father is about. I realize that is not the truth. And although I can't make anyone make the right decision, I know what the truth is, and I'm not guilty anymore.

I know that I have helped out, and no matter what he says to me, I did right by him.

So in conclusion of this lengthy post, my opinion of honor thy mother and father means, DO WHAT'S RIGHT BY YOUR PARENTS, NOT NECESSARILY DO WHAT THEY TELL YOU TO DO. Sometimes the two will be the same, but sometimes they will not. If you aren't sure, always ask the Lord for guidance.

Think about your situation seraphim712. Without prompting, the holy spirit put it on your heart that putting those rolls in your purse would be stealing. And He never fails us!

 

[seraphim712]

My parents didnt abuse it, but my mom was good for a guilt trip on the spur of the moment.

You are promised long life for respecting your parents (Ephesians 6:1-3 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.) but the bible also gives instructions to parents. (Colossians 3:21, Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.) There is supposed to be mutal respect, and parents are to properly guide their children.

Your story reminded me of my mom. She always told us not to lie, but when some of her friends called that she didnt want to be home for she got around that by going into the other room. "I'm in this room, you are in that room, so I'M NOT THERE."

Thanks for those two verses. The first one my mom will use to the ends of the earth when she want her way. But I guess she figured out that it stopped working on me and gave up trying,but now I have a feeling that she is targeting my younger brother with this bull. erplexed

 

[**Tasha*Love**]

I'm sorry for laughing but the story about Ryans was funny My mom was always good at trying to get me to put her "midnight snack" in my purse. But to answer your question I think my mom did abuse the "honor your parents" rule. There were times whenI couldn't even explain myself in conversations because I was being disobedient for "talking back". Her word was the final word! But my mom did not abuse me. I think sometimes she abused the fact that she was my mother and whatever she thought and felt was "THE GOLDEN RULE". Most of us go thru these types of trials in mother/daughter relationships.

And even though my mom worked my nerves and sometimes she seemed to be so unfair, I would give anything to have her back with me just one more day. Moms will be moms. It's hard to live with them but it is SO HARD to live without them.

 

[Shimmie]

My Parents were pretty easy on us; especially our Dad, because he wasn't with us much since their divorce. The thing is, in our home, we just 'knew better.' I don't know why, but we just did. Sure we were 'kids' and we did some things we weren't supposed to do, but all we needed was 'one' time and that was it. Our mom didn't play. She'd get the 'switch' from the hedges and tear our little legs up.

Maybe it's because after a few of those in my earliy years of development, I just didn't push it any further.

 

[EbonynIvory]

My mom still doesn't acknowledge my sister as being married because her husband didn't ask their permission (which they would have said no) to marry their daughter and they have two children (the oldest isn't his, but the youngest is). My mom will even go as far as saying that she knows who the oldest childs daddy is, but will say that she doesn't know who fathered the youngest child. I keep telling her that she makes it sound like my sister is being a "ho" and she needs to not say those things.

When my sister and I moved into our own apartment (we paid all the bills) my mom tried to tell us that the same rules that applied in "her" house also applied in "our" apartment. That one got shut down quickly.

My mom taught us that when we got married, "we left father and mother and we became one with our spouse" meaning that wherever our spouse went, we followed them. Well, low and behold my spouse didn't want to attend their church and she didn't like that because he was taking me away from "the Lord".

Every time my phone rings, I cringe because I know it's not going to be a simple conversation with her.

 

[Christa438]

When I was growing up, my mother would remind me at times not to be mean, rude or disrespectful to my parents because it shortened my days. My mom and I went through that tension stage when I was around 16, but we've always had a pretty good and close relationship. She is my mom and my best-friend. She's still my confidant today, although I know there are a number of things she did not keep to herself and that she shared with my dad or her sisters.

 

[cocoberry10]

When my sister and I moved into our own apartment (we paid all the bills) my mom tried to tell us that the same rules that applied in "her" house also applied in "our" apartment. That one got shut down quickly.
Every time my phone rings, I cringe because I know it's not going to be a simple conversation with her.

It's sad, but that's how my mom is when my grandfather calls too. He's a major grief giver. Everytime we go to visit him, he's complaining about how no one does anything for him, and that's absolutely not true. I know a lot of elderly people that have lousy kids that really do nothing for them, and they are suffering, and my grandfather isn't one of them.

I'm actually struggling b/c he is sooooooooooooo abusive (emotionally) towards us (the family), and he's causing me to feel like when he dies, this is what I'm going to remember of him. And if these are my last memories of him, I fear I won't really be as sad that he's gone. I know that sounds like an awful thing to say, but the things he says are sooooooooo cruel and mean, and hurtful. And I wish I could say I didn't think he meant it, but I really don't know anymore.