Naturals who constantly consider relaxing....

Just do it already!

Sometimes that nagging voice in the back of your mind is your intuition telling you something ain't right for you, and is not, I REPEAT IS NOT 300 years of oppression telling you to conform to a European standard of beauty.

Let me tell ya'll a story fam.

For folks that don't know me, I was relaxed when I came to this board and decided that the best way to achieve my hair goals was to go natural.

During a 14 month transition, where I stumbled from product to product and all kind of hair utensils trying to 'work with my hair'. I thought about relaxing my hair almost every day for the first 6 months and then when I finally got a workable regimen, the thoughts faded a bit.

When I did my BC, I was loving my hair. My regimen was pretty solid and I dug wearing a puff. Easy riding from here on out, right?

Naw son, I learned really quick that my hair was prone to knotting. It didn't matter what kind of protective style it was in, if I trimmed within weeks the knots were back. I went to every hair board looking for solutions and the best advice anybody could give me was - scissors.

Some won't agree but to me scissors are not a solution, they are a symptom of a problem. NOBODY should have to trim their hair every other week. ESPECIALLY if the same person wasn't prone to split ends or knotting when their hair was in a 'weaker' relaxed state. Of course every time I picked up my hair shears, the lil voice in the back of my mind was like 'not this ish again!'

When I got into my third year as a natural, I found my knotting problem changed as my hair got longer. Instead of knotting at the ends of my hair I started getting multiple single strand knots up my hair strands. After a 2 inch cut and then another 4 inch cut six months later I WAS LIVID. I had a lot of internal arguements with myself on how being natural was basically costing me the ability to retain length. My happy medium was that I was going to start heat training my hair.

Pressing my natural hair didn't last long because the combination of returning knots + almost instant reversion made the process futile. So I spent a good 3 months researching relaxing regimens/interviewing potential stylists and finally went to do the deed.

I ended up relaxing (texlaxing) last August and haven't had a second thought about being natural. If anything I know that the only time I'll return to natural hair is if I'm content with keeping a short cropped style since length seems to lead to the knotting problem for me.

The point of my story is that I went natural and was content with my hair but it just wasn't working for me so I made a change. But even more importantly, since I've been relaxed that little nagging voice has faded into the background. Although, it comes back out around 15 weeks post to tell me it's time for a touch up.

I'm putting this out there because I still read natural threads and I see alot of myself in the problems folks are trying to overcome. Maybe 'you' will be able to find the thing that helps your hair woes, but if you don't and your hair becomes a source of inner turmoil sometimes you shouldn't feel shame for seriously considering relaxing.

That's all I got.

This is a reply of SUPPORT!!!!!

Hugs and Kisses!!!

I won't go back to a relaxer.... But - I understand. I am ****SIGH********* Sick lately if dealing with my kinks. I see alot of Breakage in the Crown... coming from - whatever... who knows.

Anyways - considering Henna, and other ways to tame the tangles - is a major job.

So - I understand.

Great post, JC!

You know I'd been back and forth for awhile. Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't like the way my hair looked and with no job, I didn't have the money to do a lot of trial and error with products. Washing, detangling, drying and flat iron was a chore. I'm not someone who likes spending a lot of time on my hair, hence my love of wigs.

Everything ain't for everybody. That's basically what it comes down to. But at least now I have the resources to grow healthy, relaxed hair that I didn't have before.

Pusher!




No really, good post. Do what works for YOU. Ain't no one else doing your hair everyday. That's how I see it.

Cichelle said:

Pusher!




No really, good post. Do what works for YOU. Ain't no one else doing your hair everyday. That's how I see it.

Click to expand...

Yep. You gotta Do you!

samanthajones67 said:

This is a reply of SUPPORT!!!!!

Hugs and Kisses!!!

I won't go back to a relaxer.... But - I understand. I am ****SIGH********* Sick lately if dealing with my kinks. I see alot of Breakage in the Crown... coming from - whatever... who knows.

Anyways - considering Henna, and other ways to tame the tangles - is a major job.

So - I understand.

Click to expand...

I have breakage in the crown too, but I'm thinking it's due to certain products - namely Pantene Relaxed and Natural Moisturizing Conditioner. I love this conditioner and the deep conditioner in the brown jar. Used together, they are the bomb, but... I dunno, the front annoys me. It's mostly on the right side, near the temple area.

When my finances were better, I liked Devacare Low Poo, Conditioner and Arc Angell gel. I'm also currently loving Kiehl's Olive Fruit Oil Deeply Repairative Hair Pak.

As far as knots and tangles go, it really depends on the conditioner. I know the Pantene Relaxed & Natural and Elucence Moisture Balance Conditioners knock tangles out like nothing. I find Pantene to be more moisturizing though.

JCoily, you need to do what's best for YOU. Ain't none of us helping you do your hair or putting money in your pocket for products. To ME, it really is just hair and from being a member on this board you already know how to care of your hair properly.

I don't EVER want to go back to relaxed, because I just find it BORING. I like my hair the way it is, but I'm not gonna lie and say it's not challenging as it grows out, but I love it!

I was watching ANTM and Tyra had this FIERCE reddish/brown afro!! Oh my goodness it was GORGEOUS!! I said I want to dye my hair this color and sport this look, but I can't right now due to finances.

That's all I do is think about is relaxing, and I swear if I didn't get that bald spot in 05 from that Just for me I'd be all over a box of Phyto. But I'm too scared. Not to mention I prefer wearing my hair straight, and I get loads more compliments that way...so I'm torn.

I enjoyed reading your post. More importantly, it sounds as though you have found what works for you, so nothing else matters. Enjoy your beautiful hair!

Wow, Coily, what suddenly brought on this post? Yeah, I often think of you and how much happier you are with your relaxed hair than with your natural hair. Eh, might be joining you soon enough. I know I'd really miss the look of my natural hair, though.

Do you ever still try braid outs or twist outs?

Thanks for the post Jcoily
I think a lot of people are afraid to go ahead and relax even if they know that's what they want in the end.

I'm thinking about starting my locs at the end of 2009 if I still have this much trouble with my hair. It's not a fun feeling when you feel like your hair care is consuming your life. In the end its just hair and you can always try something else.

... and if you do relax and find that you regret it like I did, scissors ARE always a solution!

I don't think people should be afraid of doing anything to their hair. It's my favorite accessory (besides earrings, my other weakness...)

great post JCoily. Sometimes when you are in that turmoil-state it helps to hear someone urge you to move forward. I tossed and turned for four months before I relaxed/texlaxed. I was just so torn. I have no regrets though. Although some days I do miss my natural hair. I have a lot of new growth right now and I am enjoying playing in it. Anyway, this is a really nice thread, I know somebody out there really needed it.

It just goes to show that being Natural is not for everyone, the same way that being relaxed is not for everyone either.

Happy you found what works for you. We should never be afraid or ashamed to do us.

Thanks for this post I really need this!!

mwedzi said:

Wow, Coily, what suddenly brought on this post? Yeah, I often think of you and how much happier you are with your relaxed hair than with your natural hair. Eh, might be joining you soon enough. I know I'd really miss the look of my natural hair, though.

Do you ever still try braid outs or twist outs?

Click to expand...

Mwedzi gonna be a relaxed sista ?!?

Go ahead, just do you. You know, if you do relax, there are lots of things you can do to give your hair lots of body and look natural, around the 3'ish range.

You'll probably find that if you do relax, your relaxed hair will still be thick with lots of body. Just make sure you don't go bone straight and you'll be OK. I know when I airdry my relaxed hair it looks like natural hair that has been blow dried. Honest!

Jcoily OMG you were speaking to me... for the last three months I have been going back and forth between staying natural and texlaxing..... I am starting to think that I might retain more length if I texlax..... These single strand knots are killing me.... and no matter what I do.... I can't get rid of them.

and believe me I have tried EVERYTHING...... my sister whose hair is almost to her butt keeps her hair flat ironed (and although I can't put that much heat to my hair) I think by keeping it straight, it has helped her retain her length...... I think by relaxing my curl pattern just a little maybe it will help to ward off those annoying little snags on my strands.

now.....I must admit I have been scared due to all the trauma I had inflicted on my hair pre-LHCF with the creamy crack. But I think with all my hair care knowledge that I have recieved on this board.... I AM READY !!!!!!

So YES I will RELAX already.....texlax that is.

JCoily said:

Just do it already!

Sometimes that nagging voice in the back of your mind is your intuition telling you something ain't right for you, and is not, I REPEAT IS NOT 300 years of oppression telling you to conform to a European standard of beauty.

Click to expand...

On the real, the bolded alone is sometimes enough to make me not relax. Not because I think that a relaxer is indicative of some internal conflict for accepting one's self as a Black woman, but because it was certainly that way for me for most of my life, particularly when I was growing up.

And on the real for real for really real, I think if a lot of us searched our hearts and minds, we might come to the conclusion that many of us are not relaxing for that same simple fact. Given the sometimes vitriolic debates between relaxed and natural heads and the perceived implications of what it means, politically, to do one or the other to one's hair, I can't help but think that this is the case.

Just being honest.

Thanks JCoily. I really appreciate this thread.

Well dang J, tell us how you really feel, lol.

Kay.Dee said:

Thanks for the post Jcoily
I think a lot of people are afraid to go ahead and relax even if they know that's what they want in the end.

I'm thinking about starting my locs at the end of 2009 if I still have this much trouble with my hair. It's not a fun feeling when you feel like your hair care is consuming your life. In the end its just hair and you can always try something else.

Click to expand...

I first started locking purely for practical reasosn because of all the time I had to spend on my loose hair to switch up styles. It was so cute though but by year 3 I was wearing it in twists 90% of the time and being mad when I had to take them down to re-do them... so locs were like permanent twists to me.

Now I friggin love my locs - they really suit me and make me feel unique and sexy, plus I get to have length without fuss while still enjoying the natural texture of my hair, I would miss it immensely if I relaxed.. but I say now that if I ever take down my locs I'll probably get a perm, I can't go back to loose hair detangling and styling.

You have to do what's best for you... yea there can be psychological hang-ups when it comes to us and our hair, but if you're open to examine your perceptions and releasing negativity, you're good. No reason to deal with constant frustration with your hair in any state in order to please others or to prove something.

JCoily said:

Just do it already!

Sometimes that nagging voice in the back of your mind is your intuition telling you something ain't right for you, and is not, I REPEAT IS NOT 300 years of oppression telling you to conform to a European standard of beauty.

Let me tell ya'll a story fam.

For folks that don't know me, I was relaxed when I came to this board and decided that the best way to achieve my hair goals was to go natural.

During a 14 month transition, where I stumbled from product to product and all kind of hair utensils trying to 'work with my hair'. I thought about relaxing my hair almost every day for the first 6 months and then when I finally got a workable regimen, the thoughts faded a bit.

When I did my BC, I was loving my hair. My regimen was pretty solid and I dug wearing a puff. Easy riding from here on out, right?

Naw son, I learned really quick that my hair was prone to knotting. It didn't matter what kind of protective style it was in, if I trimmed within weeks the knots were back. I went to every hair board looking for solutions and the best advice anybody could give me was - scissors.

Some won't agree but to me scissors are not a solution, they are a symptom of a problem. NOBODY should have to trim their hair every other week. ESPECIALLY if the same person wasn't prone to split ends or knotting when their hair was in a 'weaker' relaxed state. Of course every time I picked up my hair shears, the lil voice in the back of my mind was like 'not this ish again!'

When I got into my third year as a natural, I found my knotting problem changed as my hair got longer. Instead of knotting at the ends of my hair I started getting multiple single strand knots up my hair strands. After a 2 inch cut and then another 4 inch cut six months later I WAS LIVID. I had a lot of internal arguements with myself on how being natural was basically costing me the ability to retain length. My happy medium was that I was going to start heat training my hair.

Pressing my natural hair didn't last long because the combination of returning knots + almost instant reversion made the process futile. So I spent a good 3 months researching relaxing regimens/interviewing potential stylists and finally went to do the deed.

I ended up relaxing (texlaxing) last August and haven't had a second thought about being natural. If anything I know that the only time I'll return to natural hair is if I'm content with keeping a short cropped style since length seems to lead to the knotting problem for me.

The point of my story is that I went natural and was content with my hair but it just wasn't working for me so I made a change. But even more importantly, since I've been relaxed that little nagging voice has faded into the background. Although, it comes back out around 15 weeks post to tell me it's time for a touch up.

I'm putting this out there because I still read natural threads and I see alot of myself in the problems folks are trying to overcome. Maybe 'you' will be able to find the thing that helps your hair woes, but if you don't and your hair becomes a source of inner turmoil sometimes you shouldn't feel shame for seriously considering relaxing.

That's all I got.

Click to expand...

You know I go back and forth on it all the time because of the endless hours after wash: detangle, style, dry, and if I air dry forget it because it's more than a day and I don't WANT to walk around with wet hair. And my hair is thick and past MBL when stretch so it's not a picnic right now. I got so annoyed with all the timeand dont' get me wrong I do love my hair natural but I mean the time where I feel like I've lost hours of my life where I could be more productive) styling my hair, waiting for my hair to dry, detangling my hair. That I had given myself a six month deadline to relax or not and that started last year.

So here I am three months into that deadline and switch back and forth constantly.

I really don't want to relax. I'll admit that. It's not because I have something against relaxed hair on a "european b.s" thing. It's because it can damage the hair and I have dry hair as it is. I've been natural for five years. Made mbl 3 years ago and had to cut because I listened to someone who said I should use more protein at sallys (and I don't know what I was thinking because she had hair snap short and damaged). So anyways I'm nearing wl again (I was over an inch past mb in Dec I haven't measured since), and I just want my hair to thrive and be healthy.

If there's a way that I can wear it straight, but stay natural I will. I'm talking straight for extended periods of time.

Why? I like it straight, not only that I have different textures in my head and I don't like looking stupid air dried. I don't want to twist away every wash day. Also: KNOTs! I find I have less knots the straighter I maintain my hair. That's just me.

So I'm looking into keratin w/o formaldehyde as I saw foxxylisa1025 has some ridiculously gorgeous just SICK natural hair that she maintains straight through these treatments and that there are others who use the ones w/o the formaldehyde getting the same effects.

So that just changed my mind and I'm going to research that some more...and drag my heels.

Then I'll probably give that a go this summer before taking the leap to relaxed (I'll only do that if it doesn't work on my hair. but if it cuts down my styling time by half I am SO doing this forever, even if I have to save my last penny every 3 months because it will make my quality of life easier and I can finally STOP thinking about my hair and move on with my life)


Had to add not the Prevana Keratin one as it completely changes the texture. Looking into the temporary products that last a month or two and then wash away leaving natural texture w/ no bonds broken.

Wonderful post JCoily! I'm natural, and I stay that way because it makes life easier for me. But that's me doing what's best for me! When I read posts where people are agonizing over going back to a relaxer, I feel sad. Not because they want to relax, but because they are truly not enjoying their hair. We all have some type of goal with our hair. For many, one of those is to be able to style with ease. If natural isn't working for you, well you aren't letting down the sisterhood by getting a relaxer. YOU have to live with what's growing on YOUR head. People have to do what's best for them.

I think our hair has been over-politicized. Having a relaxer isn't always about caving in to a European standard. Sometimes it might be, but not all the time. Sometimes it JUST about wanting to be satisfied and happy with managing YOUR hair. I don't judge anybody for relaxing...because I sure ain't coming over to help anybody detangle and style. I got enough work to do on my own head.

anherica said:

Wonderful post JCoily! I'm natural, and I stay that way because it makes life easier for me. But that's me doing what's best for me! When I read posts where people are agonizing over going back to a relaxer, I feel sad. Not because they want to relax, but because they are truly not enjoying their hair. We all have some type of goal with our hair. For many, one of those is to be able to style with ease. If natural isn't working for you, well you aren't letting down the sisterhood by getting a relaxer. YOU have to live with what's growing on YOUR head. People have to do what's best for them.

I think our hair has been over-politicized. Having a relaxer isn't always about caving in to a European standard. Sometimes it might be, but not all the time. Sometimes it JUST about wanting to be satisfied and happy with managing YOUR hair. I don't judge anybody for relaxing...because I sure ain't coming over to help anybody detangle and style. I got enough work to do on my own head.

Click to expand...

anherica said:

Wonderful post JCoily! I'm natural, and I stay that way because it makes life easier for me. But that's me doing what's best for me! When I read posts where people are agonizing over going back to a relaxer, I feel sad. Not because they want to relax, but because they are truly not enjoying their hair. We all have some type of goal with our hair. For many, one of those is to be able to style with ease. If natural isn't working for you, well you aren't letting down the sisterhood by getting a relaxer. YOU have to live with what's growing on YOUR head. People have to do what's best for them.

I think our hair has been over-politicized. Having a relaxer isn't always about caving in to a European standard. Sometimes it might be, but not all the time. Sometimes it JUST about wanting to be satisfied and happy with managing YOUR hair. I don't judge anybody for relaxing...because I sure ain't coming over to help anybody detangle and style. I got enough work to do on my own head.

Click to expand...

Although if you did...I wouldn't have a dilemma.

OR

I need a magic fairy to say abracadabra and point their wand, and my hair is all done.


Guess I'll just have to love my hair by finding an alternative to relaxing. Here's to hoping Keratin cuts down my styling time so I can smile on Sundays (wash day). No one wants to DREAD a day.

Wow, thanks so much for this honest, heartfelt post, JCoily, it really spoke to me. I have been natural for a few years now but only started caring for my hair properly a year & a half ago. It has been challenging to put it mildly and I realised that my hair (so far) only really thrives with constant protective styling - cornrows in particular. Well, I'm bored with that! I would like to do other stuff but I'm nervous of inflicting damage - even wigs caused my edges to disappear and of late, the constant cornrowing is beginning to affect them too! Mind you even with all the protective styling I still get knots like nobodys business. My hair is healthier though due to all the advise I have received from forums like this but the work involved in caring for it is not to my liking at all - I simply cannot leave it out without it becoming stiff and tricky to manipulate. I have been looking into baka naturalaxer (on its way to me as I type) and will see if it helps. I really, really want to stay chemical free but if this does not work I will end up texturizing. :-(
It's so heartening to hear stories of a similar struggle.

anherica said:

Wonderful post JCoily! I'm natural, and I stay that way because it makes life easier for me. But that's me doing what's best for me! When I read posts where people are agonizing over going back to a relaxer, I feel sad. Not because they want to relax, but because they are truly not enjoying their hair. We all have some type of goal with our hair. For many, one of those is to be able to style with ease. If natural isn't working for you, well you aren't letting down the sisterhood by getting a relaxer. YOU have to live with what's growing on YOUR head. People have to do what's best for them.

I think our hair has been over-politicized. Having a relaxer isn't always about caving in to a European standard. Sometimes it might be, but not all the time. Sometimes it JUST about wanting to be satisfied and happy with managing YOUR hair. I don't judge anybody for relaxing...because I sure ain't coming over to help anybody detangle and style. I got enough work to do on my own head.

Click to expand...

I couldn't agree more. We should do what makes us happy and what works for us in the end.

Great Thread!

As someone already mentioned, hair is an accessory. It the ultimate accessory because besides shaving your head, you can't take it off Your blackness is not measure by what state your hair is in. Of course that is only if you believe that hair doesn't define who you are. I have mentioned this before but my mother has been natural since 1970. Proud wearer of the Angela Davis fro, even until today. My mother is not a hair person, she likes it simple and easy and with her fro, she doesn't have to do anything to it. It works for her so she has kept it for the last 30 some odd years. Your hair shouldn't become a burden. If you find yourself becoming overwhelming frustrated whether relaxed or natural, don't feel ashamed to make a change.

Naturals, you don't owe anything to other naturals to stay natural
Relaxed heads, you don't own anything to other relaxed ladies to stay relaxed.

And... your texlaxed hair looks great J

I feel you, J. I won't relax, but I started wearing my hair straight 100% of the time for the same reason and experimenting with temporary products to loosen my curls. Luckily for me, I've found things that worked and my hair doesn't revert. Bonus - it is still growing longer.

You go J coil ... do what you want .. it's YOUR hair and it really does not matter what anyone says or thinks ...

I'm really enjoying my natural hair ... and will most likely never go back to relaxed hair ONLY because I love to color my hair so much... But I miss being relaxed a few times a year

foxxylisa1025 said:

I feel you, J. I won't relax, but I started wearing my hair straight 100% of the time for the same reason and experimenting with temporary products to loosen my curls. Luckily for me, I've found things that worked and my hair doesn't revert. Bonus - it is still growing longer.

Click to expand...

oke:do you have fotki? Would you mind sharing your hair story & reggie? I am thinking of doing what you are doing. May grow out the relaxer and keep it straight most of the time. California weather is mild enough I think and the humidity isn't bad.