My hair history (*or why I really relaxed*)

spinspinshuga

New Member
I apologize; this is VERY LONG. But I was reading the thread about natural heads giving dirty looks to relaxed heads and vice versa. Some people were saying relaxed hair is a product of denying an aspect of blackness and is indicative of shame...so I wanted to tell my story, and explain why I am relaxed.

My mother wore her hair natural for most of her life. She has beautiful 4-type hair, and could get away with any style, wearing her hair short, growing it to a big afro, braiding it, however she wanted. She knew how to do her hair quite well, and apparently didn't think it that it was difficult to do, having done her own and her sister's hair throughout her life.

Enter my sister, then me 2.5 years later. Suddenly, my mother had these two little "mixed" babies that, while possessing what society inaccurately considers "good hair," she didn't know how to manage. My sister's blonde, 3c/4a strands were coarse, thick, grew like a weed, and were difficult to comb through...particularly because my sister is tender headed and a little histrionic. The daily combing and braiding process was literally filled with screams and tears. It left my mother very, very tired.

My hair, on the other hand, was different. My fine, black strands were smooth and wouldn't hold a style. When combed it was puffy, but was flat and wouldn't become an afro. My mother honestly didn't know what on earth to do with either of us, having never dealt with anything but type 4 hair. So she combed, brushed, and braided our hair EVERY DAY, washed it twice weekly in the sink, and went on with her life.

Then high school came around for my sister, and because of her schedule, she had to start doing her hair herself. She said it was impossible, that she couldn't stand it, and that she wanted a relaxer. While the argument could be presented that if it weren't for white standards of beauty, my sister could have just worn it however it worked for her, but since braids were all we knew, all she understood was that she couldn't comb and braid her own hair, and she was frustrated. My mother didn't want her to, but relented eventually and agreed to put the chemicals in my sister's head.

When I was younger, I wanted to do EVERYTHING my sister did. She always had gotten more attention than me, and I thought if I did what she did, I could get that same attention...so I wanted a relaxer too. This wasn't about denying an aspect of my blackness; I wanted glasses when my sister got them, braces when she did, everything. This was just another step in the process of wanting to be my sister. My mother refused, but as a typical child, I said if she wouldn't do it, I would get it done somewhere else. She said to think about it for a while, and if by the time my sophomore year came I still wanted to get it done, I could.

I did. Out of support for me, my mother relaxed her own hair, and mine. Mine was only "texlaxed"; my hair still remained curly. At first, I enjoyed it; since I was doing my own hair at this point, it WAS easier to style...although my hair was never unmanageable or difficult to do to begin with. But then I found I didn't like it. My hair was easier to style, but more difficult to keep healthy. Because I was unfamiliar with and ignorant about relaxers, I didn't realize that once or twice a year, my mother would have to put that smelly crap in my hair AGAIN. I didn't understand the permanence, and I honestly missed my slightly frizzier hair. My mother didn't know about transitioning, and stylists I asked either didn't know or just wanted me to cut off all my hair. It wasn't until I joined LHCF that I realized one could truly transition.

I honestly don't know for sure what my natural hair texture is (although from NG I think it's 3b,) NOT because my mother got lazy slapped a relaxer in it when I was young, but because it was always combed and braided; my mother didn't know about wash-and-gos, braidouts, any of that (It wasn't until COLLEGE that I discovered braidouts, just by experimenting; until then, I still kept my hair in braids, despite the relaxer.) The only time I saw my hair in it's natural state without the braids was during a rollerset when I was thirteen or fourteen. My huge, rollerset curls fell hiplegnth, but having sat under the dryer for about four hours, I knew it wasn't a style I could do all the time. My mother didn't convince me to relax out of a desire for conformity, but was DEVASTATED when my sister and I relaxed. I kept relaxing my hair NOT because I'm denying an aspect of my blackness, but because I never knew about transitioning, and because I'm honestly not willing to give up my hair, which is still much, much shorter than it used to be. I still wear my hair curly, and my mom still tears up a little when I'm between relaxers and my natural growth shows through.

I understand this story is unique in some ways. I liked and miss my natural growth; I'm transitioning, and only plan to stop transitioning if I lose my length. Not everyone relaxes to fit in with their siblings or for other silly reasons. But not all of us are consciously or subconsciously trying to conform to white standards of beauty. I could relax my hair bone straight today if I wanted, but I still have dark skin, brown eyes, lips and a nose that no white person ever would have, and that I wouldn't trade for the world. Not only this, but I consider relaxing a part of the black beauty community, whether good or bad. Relaxing, while unhealthy and damaging, is just as black as naturally kinky curls.

I love healthy hair, natural or relaxed, and I don't consider one better than the other. I just wanted to provide an example of a family that didn't relax out of shame. I'm sure there are others out there like me.

Sorry this is so long!
 
I agree with Mook, your hair is gorgeous! And if women do relax their hair to conform to society... so what?! If they choose to rock a fro and wear "Black Power" T's...so what?!

We do things to our hair for various reasons. As long as we a truly happy... I think thats all that matters :)

Thanks for sharing your story.
 
Thanks for that story. It's true, sometimes people read too much into things just for the sake of having something to say. So for some, if we process our hair, we are denying our black identity. Yeah whatever... I really don't have the time to think too much about what someone else thinks about why I process my hair. I'm too busy doing me:lachen:. As long as my hair is healthy and looks good, processed or natural, I'm good and happy.
 
Thanks for that story. It's true, sometimes people read too much into things just for the sake of having something to say. So for some, if we process our hair, we are denying our black identity. Yeah whatever... I really don't have the time to think too much about what someone else thinks about why I process my hair. I'm too busy doing me:lachen:. As long as my hair is healthy and looks good, processed or natural, I'm good and happy.

I agree. I don't want to relax anymore because I miss my natural texture and I just don't like having to go get my hair relaxed, since I've had some bad/damaging salon experiences (and I'm a little lazy about going to salons)...but my hair really isn't messed up, so if my transition falls through, I won't be devastated.
!
 
I always just thought that the one's claiming folks relax to conform think that way because that's why they were relaxing and have issues they need/needed to fix.

Oh thanks for sharing.
 
anyone who thinks black people relax their hair out of shame or denial is probably full of insecurities themselves. or they're jealous. to heck with them!

OP, you have beautiful hair. i also admire the hair of those who wear natural hair. i'm just glad we have so many choices in which we can wear our hair. whether you relax, braid, wear a weave, whatever.

i relax as well. not for any reason other than it hurts like a mother to comb through my natural hair, and i spent most of my life with relaxed hair. this is what i'm used to and i like the way my hair looks right now. my hair is pretty and healthy, and that's all i care about. not what anyone else thinks.
 
OP, thanks for sharing your story. It was quite interesting and informative.:yep:


I'm not trying to dispute your reality or your opinion. It's just that this...

Relaxing, while unhealthy and damaging, is just as black as naturally kinky curls.

...really stuck out to me. And, I think it's quite sad. Something more for me to think about.

Anyway...beautiful story, beautiful hair!
 
when will the debate of o you relax cause u want to be white end? Ive never seen a sista relaxing and changing so much because of it that the look white. Even if they do relax because they want to look white how is judging them about it help? are those passing judgement and sucking their teeth going to pay for their therapist to work out their issues?? People really should live and let live.
 
anyone who thinks black people relax their hair out of shame or denial is probably full of insecurities themselves. or they're jealous. to heck with them!
I agree that most women that I meet who state the above on the regular do have issue with themselves. However, a huge majority of the women I meet in real life who have relaxers... do in fact relax their hair to fit in with the European standard of beauty.

Similar to the OP I didn't relax because I hated my natural hair. I was just ignorant about hair in general, and thought that super straight hair could only be achieved with a relaxer. I thought it was like a rite of passage for Black women when I was younger. I didn't know that I would need to touch it up and didn't connect why I couldn't get my huge puff back to a me having a relaxer.

Once I educated myself about my hair, I decided to go natural(I'm currently transitioning). I didn't know it at the time, but it was a subconscious decision for me. And although my first relaxer didn't start as me trying to conform to the European standard of beauty... I did hesitate many times over the last year in deciding to transition because I was scared of my "natural" hair and concerned about what others would think. For majority of Black women who relax... I feel that it is that deep. Most relaxed women on LHCF are the minority in my opinion. Because I almost never run into them in real life.

Thanks for sharing your story OP :yep:
 
I agree. I don't want to relax anymore because I miss my natural texture and I just don't like having to go get my hair relaxed, since I've had some bad/damaging salon experiences (and I'm a little lazy about going to salons)...but my hair really isn't messed up, so if my transition falls through, I won't be devastated.
!

I relaxed my hair from 1981-2006 and the ONLY reason why I ever did it was because everyone did it. My mom couldn't deal with my long hair, she had a sick baby, and decided to put a relaxer in my hair. I didn't know about transitioning, I actually don't particularly like straight hair but I never thought I was "conforming" when I did relax. I missed my hair terribly for 26 yrs and I feel so blessed to be natural again.

Although most women will relax just because they choose to.. lemme tell ya nothing will ever be as shocking or surprising when you have that big curly fro and you're looking in the mirror thinking to yourself "Who the F is THAT?" :spinning: Its like night and day when I'm curly and when I have straight hair. I never knew I had any issues till I cut off all my hair. It took me a while to transition my mind, but I think I'm there now. I guess once you're natural you'll know what I'm talking about.

Good luck with your transition!!!! :yep:
 
I agree that most women that I meet who state the above on the regular do have issue with themselves. However, a huge majority of the women I meet in real life who have relaxers... do in fact relax their hair to fit in with the European standard of beauty.

Similar to the OP I didn't relax because I hated my natural hair. I was just ignorant about hair in general, and thought that super straight hair could only be achieved with a relaxer. I thought it was like a rite of passage for Black women when I was younger. I didn't know that I would need to touch it up and didn't connect why I couldn't get my huge puff back to a me having a relaxer.

Once I educated myself about my hair, I decided to go natural(I'm currently transitioning). I didn't know it at the time, but it was a subconscious decision for me. And although my first relaxer didn't start as me trying to conform to the European standard of beauty... I did hesitate many times over the last year in deciding to transition because I was scared of my "natural" hair and concerned about what others would think. For majority of Black women who relax... I feel that it is that deep. Most relaxed women on LHCF are the minority in my opinion. Because I almost never run into them in real life.

Thanks for sharing your story OP :yep:

My good friend that inspired me to transition to natural will NOT show her real hair in public for nuttin! You couldn't pay that women to take off her braids or wig! LOL I yell at her and tell her to enjoy her hair and she says something like "oh not this nappy mess" :nono: Friday we saw a girl downtown with the CUTEST big hair (I think a braid out) and my friend goes "Oh I hate seeing girls with big hair like that, it looks so stupid" :rolleyes: I yelled at her again LOL Reminded her that sometimes I have that big fro too LOL But she has issues, says she looks like a "slave" with her natural hair. That's just horrible IMO.
 
This is really a productive thread.

I don't think saying that a natural head person is jealous or have insecurites over permed hair sums up the issue of the relaxed and natural hair debate. I was natural and pressed until I was a teen, I didn't think I was perming my hair because I wanted to be white, I wanted to wear the "Aaliyah" styled wrap! lol!

I stopped perming my hair not because I came to some deep revelation that I was black, I stopped because my hair was thinning out due to heredity and I knew that I had to stop the perming if I wanted my hair. So, I did! ( both parents have alopecia)

When I started my journey, the comments made me *realize* this was deeper than my choice of what makes me happy. My family and parents thought I was crazy and why I wanted nappy hair. I woke up and saw that it is a self hate issue( not for me, but for the commentors). What is wrong with looking how God made you? If it was as simple as *some*people on LHCF makes it out to be, "like do you and I will do me, we will be happy" or like the case of the "jealous nappy" as we cannot flat iron our hair to make it swing is not the case.

For many, if it is not deeper than choice, why are the threads about Transitioning is hard, I need encouragement, I am one step from buying a box perm, help! etc. It is more than an hair style choice for many......... okay back to lurking mode.....

op, thanks for your story.
 
I am unmoved by ANYONE'S motivations for doing whatever they do to their hair.

I ask that they give me the same consideration.
 
I am very uniformed about natural hair. I never learned how to braid or twist my natural hair. The thickness of my hair is very intimidating to me. Despite this fact, I am working on learning how to handle my natural hair with care. I find that a lot of people are just not educated about natural hair. If I ever relax again, I'll at least have some kind of idea on how to care for my hair.
 
Thank you for sharing this, OP.

It goes without saying relaxing for many is out of issues of denial/self-hate/etc.

That said, it is JUST AS TRUE that relaxing for many is simply a style choice.

This doesn't make relaxing in general a "bad thing".

Nor dying your jet black locks platinum blonde nor perming your stick straight hair afro curly. These are things women of other races do, INCLUDING PERMANENT STRAIGHTENING, without being subjected to the amateur psycho-analysis of their peers.

It is rarely noted that many go natural for the wrong reasons:

To prove a point

To be "better-than-thou"

To fit in with a certain crowd

Desperation (usually caused by a lack of knowledge of taking care of relaxed hair vs. a choice made for a want of change in general when it comes to their tresses)

Others stay natural (and forgo the relaxer) because they simply don't feel like relaxing. Perhaps their hair can't "take it" (as some women of all races can't color their hair or "curly" perm it without damage) or they realize they've been doing it for the wrong reasons.

What bothers me most about this debate...is that we, as Black women, are still having it.

OFTEN.

There are FAR more important things for us to debate than being relaxed or natural.

We need to be more concerned about keeping ourselves EDUCATED and filling our heads with knowledge WHETHER NATURAL OR RELAXED HAIR SITS ON TOP OF IT.

Thank you again, OP, for sharing this story and your lovely mane with us. This IS a very productive thread.:yep:
 
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thanks for the story, very interesting and thought provoking - honestly i dont think anyone should have to justify why they relax their hair ,or why they dont - it's a personal choice, period... there shouldnt be any judgment in my humble opinion. if someone does not like themselves, for any reason, they have got bigger problems than just what they are doing to their hair.
 
I love all my sistahs...regardless what they choose to do to their hair.
Exactly and I would want them to think the same!

I am relaxed because I choose to be and not because I want to be "white"! Smh at the people who think its self hate if you relax your hair sorry but that is SHALLOW!!!!!
 
I am truly feeling your story....I relax bc right now where i am in my life.....with too much going on....I know i cannot deal with my hair in its natural state.....by 8 weeks post...thats when i give up even trying to style it! LOL
 
Thank you for sharing this, OP.

It goes without saying relaxing for many is out of issues of denial/self-hate/etc.

That said, it is JUST AS TRUE that relaxing for many is simply a style choice.

This doesn't make relaxing in general a "bad thing".

Nor dying your jet black locks platinum blonde nor perming your stick straight hair afro curly. These are things women of other races do, INCLUDING PERMANENT STRAIGHTENING, without being subjected to the amateur psycho-analysis of their peers.

It is rarely noted that many go natural for the wrong reasons:

To prove a point

To be "better-than-thou"

To fit in with a certain crowd

Desperation (usually caused by a lack of knowledge of taking care of relaxed hair vs. a choice made for a want of change in general when it comes to their tresses)

Others stay natural (and forgo the relaxer) because they simply don't feel like relaxing. Perhaps their hair can't "take it" (as some women of all races can't color their hair or "curly" perm it without damage) or they realize they've been doing it for the wrong reasons.

What bothers me most about this debate...is that we, as Black women, are still having it.

OFTEN.

There are FAR more important things for us to debate than being relaxed or natural.

We need to be more concerned about keeping ourselves EDUCATED and filling our heads with knowledge WHETHER NATURAL OR RELAXED HAIR SITS ON TOP OF IT.

Thank you again, OP, for sharing this story and your lovely mane with us. This IS a very productive thread.:yep:

LOL.

So women can't want to go natural just because they realized that burning their hair straight with a caustic chemical is unhealthy and damaging?

I realize that this topic will evoke strong reactions from people. That being said, i'd never expect folks to want to critically evaluate the reasons for which they are relaxing, why most blacks do it, why the demonisation of natural hair...shoot, some people really don't want to put thought into it, it's not that deep for some :yep: and thats COOL.

I just don't understand why folks get defensive when someone shares their love and preference for natural hair. In a society where most everything associated with BLACK is considered sub-par, I'd think that on a forum full of women who have naturally highly textured hair, it wouldn't be that huge of an issue.

I do also realize that the way some folks go about "natural love" is off-putting, insensitive, pushy, and down-right rude and tacky...those folks need a firm talking to, LOL. Folks will do whatever they want with the hair, but on a forum where opinions and discussion MAKE this place interesting, there should'nt really be an annoyance (in my oh so humble opinion) with any kind of debate/discussion :yep:.
 
Exactly and I would want them to think the same!

I am relaxed because I choose to be and not because I want to be "white"! Smh at the people who think its self hate if you relax your hair sorry but that is SHALLOW!!!!!

It's not really about wanting to be white, LOL. That's really not what's being debated. It's more about the associated thinking that highly textured hair is unkempt, difficult, unacceptable, so on and so forth. I personally don't think blacks relax to want to be white. In fact, as ironic as this may sound, i think blacks relax to want to be more black, LOL!

Which is extremely telling.
 
LOL.

So women can't want to go natural just because they realized that burning their hair straight with a caustic chemical is unhealthy and damaging?

I realize that this topic will evoke strong reactions from people. That being said, i'd never expect folks to want to critically evaluate the reasons for which they are relaxing, why most blacks do it, why the demonisation of natural hair...shoot, some people really don't want to put thought into it, it's not that deep for some :yep: and thats COOL.

I just don't understand why folks get defensive when someone shares their love and preference for natural hair. In a society where most everything associated with BLACK is considered sub-par, I'd think that on a forum full of women who have naturally highly textured hair, it wouldn't be that huge of an issue.

I do also realize that the way some folks go about "natural love" is off-putting, insensitive, pushy, and down-right rude and tacky...those folks need a firm talking to, LOL. Folks will do whatever they want with the hair, but on a forum where opinions and discussion MAKE this place interesting, there should'nt really be an annoyance (in my oh so humble opinion) with any kind of debate/discussion :yep:.


You can tack that on the list. I was listing the not so stellar reasons. Getting tired of burns is DEFINITELY up there. :yep:

I also want to be clear in saying it's not so much the debate, but that it happens over and over with no...Kum-by-yah moment/epiphany it seems. Not all debates must end in some "happily every after moment", but it seems like the same themes come up again and again.

It can be tiresome when the topic comes up again and again with the same sides/lines drawn. That said, you do find nuggets of poignant thoughts that are new and fresh, but many of these debates beat a dead horse.:ohwell:

I'm not sure why enjoying natural hair would evoke negative reactions either. When I was natural I caught HELL from everyone around me -family, friends and strangers. :ohwell:

I never knew what I was walking into. As to me...it was just hair. I just wanted an afro for a while. :lachen:I was tired of my complicated regimen (though now I see all that I was doing wasn't necessary at all).

I have a friend who is natural, was natural while I was natural, is still natural and is militant about it. She'll attribute your level of intelligence to the state of your hair!! :wallbash:

I don't get it. It's hair...its excess protein to keep your head warm.

I was half way to APL (thanks megatek!) two weeks ago and just chopped back to an inch below neck length to sport a bob.

I may have a TWA again by the end of the year. It depends on how I'm feelin'. :grin:
 
You can tack that on the list. I was listing the not so stellar reasons. Getting tired of burns is DEFINITELY up there. :yep:

I also want to be clear in saying it's not so much the debate, but that it happens over and over with no...Kum-by-yah moment/epiphany it seems. Not all debates must end in some "happily every after moment", but it seems like the same themes come up again and again.

It can be tiresome when the topic comes up again and again with the same sides/lines drawn. That said, you do find nuggets of poignant thoughts that are new and fresh, but many of these debates beat a dead horse.:ohwell:

I'm not sure why enjoying natural hair would evoke negative reactions either. When I was natural I caught HELL from everyone around me -family, friends and strangers. :ohwell:

I never knew what I was walking into. As to me...it was just hair. I just wanted an afro for a while. :lachen:I was tired of my complicated regimen (though now I see all that I was doing wasn't necessary at all).

I have a friend who is natural, was natural while I was natural, is still natural and is militant about it. She'll attribute your level of intelligence to the state of your hair!! :wallbash:

I don't get it. It's hair...its excess protein to keep your head warm.

I was half way to APL (thanks megatek!) two weeks ago and just chopped back to an inch below neck length to sport a bob.

I may have a TWA again by the end of the year. It depends on how I'm feelin'. :grin:

LOL, yes the bolded is asinine. I have been lucky to not have encountered folks like this, but that whole link to hair and intelligence is questionable...I honestly do think that proponents of natural hair MAY be more culture conscious, but who cares, right?
 
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