Women who make the first move...

[NitaChantell]

I've never been the type to do so.! I always say, "if he wants me, he'll come to me"! Well, a lot of my peers think that that's stuck up, I guess. Not that I care what they think, but I'm sure a lot of us Christian women feel like sometimes we're not getting a man because we're being stuck up, and that maybe if we make the first move, it can be the start of something beautiful...WRONG! <<<My opinion. Don't stone me

I was watching a YouTube video about Single Christian Women. I forgot the name of the pastor, but he talked about Proverbs 18:22, which says The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord.

Now, God knows what He's doing. I suspect the verse says "The man who finds..." for a reason. The pastor doing the video said that we should stop looking for a man, and HIDE so we can be found.! After all, you can't find something that's out in the open! What should we hide in? God's word & will of course


Feedback?

 

[Bunny77]

I've never been the type to do so.! I always say, "if he wants me, he'll come to me"! Well, a lot of my peers think that that's stuck up, I guess. Not that I care what they think, but I'm sure a lot of us Christian women feel like sometimes we're not getting a man because we're being stuck up, and that maybe if we make the first move, it can be the start of something beautiful...WRONG! <<<My opinion. Don't stone me

I was watching a YouTube video about Single Christian Women. I forgot the name of the pastor, but he talked about Proverbs 18:22, which says The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord.

Now, God knows what He's doing. I suspect the verse says "The man who finds..." for a reason. The pastor doing the video said that we should stop looking for a man, and HIDE so we can be found.! After all, you can't find something that's out in the open! What should we hide in? God's word & will of course

Hi! I won't stone you at ALL because I agree that a man should approach a woman. I don't see many successful relationships that have resulted from the woman making the first move -- yes, it has happened to some women, but still, the woman usually made just ONE move and the man picked it up from there.

The funny thing is, all of the women who advise me to make the first move did NOT do so with their boyfriends or husbands. So I sweetly smile and ask them why they're advising me to do something that they themselves did not have to do?


Now, that being said... and I hope I'm not contradicting myself... I really do not agree with this "hiding" approach. While a woman should not chase a man or pursue him, I think Christians too often make the process of courting and marriage harder than it needs to be. A woman can be friendly, approachable and speak to a man, and a good man will likely appreciate that. If he's interested, he'll make a move. Of course one should be in God's Word at all times, but why does that mean that a woman should be "hidden?"

Also, I said this in another thread, but I think Proverbs 18:22 is often interpreted to mean something that wasn't necessarily being communicated... here's what I said in a different thread.

"All of Proverbs 18 supplies direction to individual men about walking on a righteous path. I think it's quite illuminating that men are told to find WIVES (in other words, get married and take on the responsibilty of providing for a family) and that men who do this receive favor from the Lord.

This scripture is not addressed to women at all. It's a directive to men to get married. It says nothing about what a woman should or should not do in the pursuit of marriage.

So, I don't necessarily think there's anything for Christian women to interpret in this verse, other than to know that God gives favor to men who choose marriage."

 

[Renovating]

OP, ITA. I think the man should do the pursuing and we should depend on GOD to lead him to us if he is the man God has set aside for us.
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=52169

 

[Laela]

Great post!

I remember reading about Taffi Dollar's testimony on how she met Creflo Dollar and that she did make that ONE move -- by making herself approachable -- and her husband picked up from there. She was that big, bad "chick" once, who has learned and now teaches women that you Get what you Give.

I think being approachable is key....

Hi! I won't stone you at ALL because I agree that a man should approach a woman. I don't see many successful relationships that have resulted from the woman making the first move -- yes, it has happened to some women, but still, the woman usually made just ONE move and the man picked it up from there.

 

[hopkinstudent]

I think being approachable is key....

Men expect women to make the first move, but what does mean? Eye contact and a smile are the only signals a man needs to know it's o.k. to approach. What if you do that and he doesn't respond? That means he's not available (he could be dating, married, gay, unemployed, waiting for that rash to clear up, etc).

Also, we worry if we see a man we're attracted to and think he hasn't seen us so we do the "walk by." Men have radar and have stealthily looked over every woman within a 1/2 block radius. He saw you. Whatever the case, when it's your season and he's the one for you, it will be smooth sailing. Patience...

 

[Reminiscing]

Hey Ladies,

I agree that the man should approach the woman first but I'd like to get your opinion on something that happened to me. This has already passed and I chose not to follow up with the guy but I'm curious to hear your thoughts on it.

A guy I grew up in church with called me for my bday after not speaking or seeing each other in about 5 years. When he called he got right to the point. He told me he recently ended a 3 yr relationship because the girl was not a faithful follower of God. She believed in God but that was about it. There were no other efforts to be active in a church and that's not the type of woman he envisioned as a wife for himself. He is a leader at his church and he wants to marry a godly woman who shares the same Christian values as him, will be active in a church and will raise the kids to have faith in God.

So then he asked me what my relationship status was. I gave him an update on the last two guys I dated both of which were not as faithful to God as I would've liked them to be. He asked me how I felt about being single and I told him that I enjoy single life but I look forward to having a husband and children someday.

So to make a long story short... The conversation pretty much continued as if he was interested in me and I thought the call would've led to a relationship. I felt like he took the appropriate steps and "found" me, especially since he stated that he was ready to be married and therefore was looking for a godly woman. However, I have not heard from him since that day. I texted him once after and he responded but that was it.

Now I prayed a whole bunch about this and I'm comfortable with my decision to not contact him (although if God ever gives me the go ahead, I sure will pick up the phone ) but I'm wondering how you ladies would apply the "he who finds a wife" scripture to this situation.

Would you say he found me and it's ok for me to make the next move? Or would you say his job of finding is not complete and I need to wait for him to make the next move?

 

[NitaChantell]

Hey Ladies,

However, I have not heard from him since that day. I texted him once after and he responded but that was it.

Now I prayed a whole bunch about this and I'm comfortable with my decision to not contact him (although if God ever gives me the go ahead, I sure will pick up the phone ) but I'm wondering how you ladies would apply the "he who finds a wife" scripture to this situation.

Would you say he found me and it's ok for me to make the next move? Or would you say his job of finding is not complete and I need to wait for him to make the next move?

I believe that he did indeed find you, but I would wait for God's direction on whether or not to move forward in regards to contacting him. I personally wouldn't, but I have my own personal reasons for that. I don't favor constant communication with the opposite sex, even if there's a mutual agreement of courtship or dating or even engagement. Marriage is another thing.I feel like our society/culture brainwashed into thinking that we have to talk to our "person" everyday, and we have to see them as much as possible. I so disagree.

I'm not saying you're like that at all.! I would just wait on God to move. And, with him being the approacher and you the approachee, I would just wait. [waiting on a man sounds bad, or even taboo, huh?, I know, sorry, but that's my only advice.]

Of course I don't mean wait by your phone day and night asking God for him to contact you

 

[Bunny77]

Reminiscing, I agree with Nita.

Actually, it doesn't seem like this man has done much at all. He made a call, found out you were available and then did nothing. He never called you back, never asked you out on a date, nothing.

I'd go far as to say that he made no "move" at all. Really, he sounds like one of those guys who "checks in" every once in a while with that good single woman just to make sure she's still available... and then if she's still single, he'll make a move only IF he feels like deciding to do something about it. If not, he'll check in maybe a few months/years later and do the same thing.

 

[Poohbear]

Reminiscing, I agree with Nita.

Actually, it doesn't seem like this man has done much at all. He made a call, found out you were available and then did nothing. He never called you back, never asked you out on a date, nothing.

I'd go far as to say that he made no "move" at all. Really, he sounds like one of those guys who "checks in" every once in a while with that good single woman just to make sure she's still available... and then if she's still single, he'll make a move only IF he feels like deciding to do something about it. If not, he'll check in maybe a few months/years later and do the same thing.

Bunny77, I was thinking the EXACT same thing!!!

Reminiscing, he just called to wish you a happy birthday and told you about his 3 year relationship ending and asked you a few questions. You assumed he was interested, and you assumed the call would lead to a relationship. He was basically having conversation with you. Some church members do courtesy calls for other church members' birthdays and such. He just happened to open up about an ex-girlfriend not being a true follower of God. He didn't make any mention of you being his next girlfriend or potential wife based on what you have said in this thread.

 

[Reminiscing]

Thanks for responding ladies! We're all on the same page. I know that waiting is the right thing to do. I wanted to put my story out there because some women take a man making the first move as their signal to run and jump all over him. I've even heard the "he who finds a wife" scripture used to justify it. I've had friends tell me that the scripture only applies to the initial conversation but once that's done it's all fair game from there. I see it differently in that once a man makes the first move, you still have to consult with God and seek guidance on what happens next. I think that's were women mess up sometimes. We get too eager and our emotions take over.

Bunny, I do want to say that I know him well enough to know he's not the check-in type. The check-in type definitely does exist but he's not it. The call was pretty intense in how direct he was about what he was looking for and I forgot to mention that he had to do some searching and calling around to get my number so I wouldn't really classify it either as "he didn't do much." I see it as he made an effort and for whatever reason God stopped it right there. It could be that the timing was off and I'll hear from him again in the future or he just isn't the one and God is ensuring that I don't waste my time. There was too much honesty in the conversation for it just to be a check-in.

But I agree with you Bunny, we do need to be wary of the men who do the check-ins. I've definitely experienced that before.

 

[Reminiscing]

Bunny77, I was thinking the EXACT same thing!!!

Reminiscing, he just called to wish you a happy birthday and told you about his 3 year relationship ending and asked you a few questions. You assumed he was interested, and you assumed the call would lead to a relationship. He was basically having conversation with you. Some church members do courtesy calls for other church members' birthdays and such. He just happened to open up about an ex-girlfriend not being a true follower of God. He didn't make any mention of you being his next girlfriend or potential wife based on what you have said in this thread.

Hey Poohbear,

I'm not the type to overreach a situation. I kept the story very brief but the conversation was more detailed. No he did not say I was his next girlfriend but I asked him what made him call me this year since he's never called before and that's when he told me about his ex and how he was looking for a godly woman. Looking for a godly woman was his answer to why he called me. I didn't make that assumption.

And we don't go to the same church anymore so this wasn't the routine church phone call. I hadn't spoken to him in over 5 years and he's never called me for my bday before.

But don't get me wrong ladies, I'm certainly not saying that he was asking me to marry him. I'm just saying that it wasn't an innocent call and it did give the impression that there were more calls to come. However, don't forget that I've made the decision NOT to call him and to NOT make something big out of one phone call. This happened weeks ago and I'm not losing any sleep over it. I just wanted to share my story as example of how we must not leap at the first sign of interest. We still need to seek God's guidance.

 

[NitaChantell]

Really, he sounds like one of those guys who "checks in" every once in a while with that good single woman just to make sure she's still available... and then if she's still single, he'll make a move only IF he feels like deciding to do something about it. If not, he'll check in maybe a few months/years later and do the same thing.

Oh my...God is really peeling my eyes open today. I was the check-in type for sooo long!!! I would contact a guy that I KNEW was interested in me, make sure he still wanted me and that he was still single, and then leave him high & dry! I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship, I was actually scared of them [I still am lol] but I wanted to have those "back up plans" for whenever I was. Smh!!!!

Ugh, without Christ, I'd be...

& then, after a while, it seemed as if one guy still remained after my foolery. And this guy is still here! [waiting for me to realize he's the one :/] For so long I thought that since he still wanted to be with me after my...issues...that was God telling me that he was my future husband. Smh..Guard Your Heart ladies!!!!!!!

 

[loolalooh]

Men expect women to make the first move, but what does mean? Eye contact and a smile are the only signals a man needs to know it's o.k. to approach. What if you do that and he doesn't respond? That means he's not available (he could be dating, married, gay, unemployed, waiting for that rash to clear up, etc).

... or he's just not that into you. Lol. I always wanted to say that. Off topic. Carry on.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

Great break down Bunny!!

My mom made the first 'move' on my dad. But it was cute and innocent and really just an icebreaker. He took the reigns from there and they'll be married forever.

 

[NitaChantell]

... or he's just not that into you. Lol. I always wanted to say that. Off topic. Carry on.

That was priceless.!!!!!! lol.!!

 

[huxtable]

@ the bolded. It made me smile.

Men expect women to make the first move, but what does mean? Eye contact and a smile are the only signals a man needs to know it's o.k. to approach. What if you do that and he doesn't respond? That means he's not available (he could be dating, married, gay, unemployed, waiting for that rash to clear up, etc).

Also, we worry if we see a man we're attracted to and think he hasn't seen us so we do the "walk by." Men have radar and have stealthily looked over every woman within a 1/2 block radius. He saw you. Whatever the case, when it's your season and he's the one for you, it will be smooth sailing. Patience...

 

[nathansgirl1908]

I'm not the type to overreach a situation. I kept the story very brief but the conversation was more detailed. No he did not say I was his next girlfriend but I asked him what made him call me this year since he's never called before and that's when he told me about his ex and how he was looking for a godly woman. Looking for a godly woman was his answer to why he called me. I didn't make that assumption.

.

I am going to go out on a limb and say that even if this was him "finding you" I don't like how he seemed to potentially be "shopping" for a wife. I would have been a bit creeped out by such an exchange because it doesn't flow naturally.


I personally think that the church encourages people to place too much emphasis on the scripture about the man finding a wife. I honestly think it means simply that when a man gets married, he will have a good thing. I don't think that is has some deeper meaning about who should pursue and who should BE pursued. It is, as someone else said, an encouragement to men to get married.

Having said that though, from a secular point of view, I DON'T think women should make the first move. I think you should just be friendly and nice, but keep it moving. I don't think it will bode well for the rest of the relationship and sometimes, despite attempts not to, it comes off as desperate.