Trusting Our Black Men - Can We Love and Still Not Trust the Men We Love?

[Shimmie]

Is is possible to love a man, although you do not trust him?

I have to 'come out' of hiding with this one. I've had to face up to the fact that for a long time, I've suppressed and hidden; tried to rationalize, justify, and just plain 'lie'... that I've had a Distrust for Black men.

Okay, I said it. It's all out in the open. Me and all of my love for Jesus and the love I've always felt for everyone, and yet, how can I love and not trust?

The thing is I haven't always felt this way. I grew up surrounded by Black men in our family (in all shades and mixes, yet still Black) who treated me like a princess. The men in our family are like that to all of the women. But this is family. It's the outside men, I've not allowed in to trust them.

In my heart, outside of my family, I do love our Black men. But thngs have happen and it's been rooted within my heart not to trust them. This is not what I want as a part of my heart or my life.

Along with prayer (which is major key), where do we begin to trust our men again? What steps do we need to take? How does the healing really begin with ALL of our Black men, not just some or one or two of them?

There's some other things I want to share with you later; one is about something that I have done, that I'm not happy about. First, I want to see what the replies and feelings that others have. Who else has or does feel this way?

What does our precious brother member have to say?

I wonder if BlkManWithSomeSense, has experienced distrust from Black women if he or knows of it from his male friends/associates.

Thanks in advance for your Healing replies.

With all my love....

 

[cocoberry10]

Is is possible to love a man, although you do not trust him?

I have to 'come out' of hiding with this one. I've had to face up to the fact that for a long time, I've suppressed and hidden; tried to rationalize, justify, and just plain 'lie'... that I've had a Distrust for Black men.

Okay, I said it. It's all out in the open. Me and all of my love for Jesus and the love I've always felt for everyone, and yet, how can I love and not trust?

The thing is I haven't always felt this way. I grew up surrounded by Black men in our family (in all shades and mixes, yet still Black) who treated me like a princess. The men in our family are like that to all of the women. But this is family. It's the outside men, I've not allowed in to trust them.

In my heart, outside of my family, I do love our Black men. But thngs have happen and it's been rooted within my heart not to trust them. This is not what I want as a part of my heart or my life.

Along with prayer (which is major key), where do we begin to trust our men again? What steps do we need to take? How does the healing really begin with ALL of our Black men, not just some or one or two of them?

There's some other things I want to share with you later; one is about something that I have done, that I'm not happy about. First, I want to see what the replies and feelings that others have. Who else has or does feel this way?

What does our precious brother member have to say?

I wonder if BlkManWithSomeSense, has experienced distrust from Black women if he or knows of it from his male friends/associates.

Thanks in advance for your Healing replies.

With all my love....

I definitely understand where you are coming from. And I will respond, but I am leaving work now, so I will respond when I get home. I think a lot of Black women feel exactly as you do (and I admit that I have been/am one of them).

 

[Shimmie]

I definitely understand where you are coming from. And I will respond, but I am leaving work now, so I will respond when I get home. I think a lot of Black women feel exactly as you do (and I admit that I have been/am one of them).

Thanks 'Sweet Coco' and

Pebs...(cause I know you heard me 'praying' ) and you'll be here too.

I'll on my way home too. I'll be here back soon. Cause I have to share something that I have done....

Love you...

 

[cocoberry10]

Is is possible to love a man, although you do not trust him?

Along with prayer (which is major key), where do we begin to trust our men again? What steps do we need to take? How does the healing really begin with ALL of our Black men, not just some or one or two of them?

There's some other things I want to share with you later; one is about something that I have done, that I'm not happy about. First, I want to see what the replies and feelings that others have. Who else has or does feel this way?

I admit that I have felt this way. I too grew up with wonderful examples of Black men (father, uncles, family friends and even my crazy pastor--who is an honorable Black man of God).

When I got to college, that's when things changed for me. I noticed a tension between Black men and women. Some of the black men wouldn't hold a door for a Black woman, or help her with her boxes. They played black women, dating many at the same time. They weren't always respectful.

I realized 2 things:

1) There are respectful Black men, and a lot of times women completely overlook them. Even the jerks can step up to the plate if given the chance. God has really been showing me this lately in myself. He has brought new Black males into my life who aren't relatives, family friends, or friends from college, and they have taught me more about myself than I could have foreseen. Not all these men are saved either, but I KNOW God has brought them into my life to show me things about me that He wants to change.

2) The above is the truth of all races. I have always had friends of all races, and really we go through the same things. White men are NOT more respectful than Black men. Many non-black men have fathers to show them how to treat women. Since many black men don't, they really are creating the image they think they should have. This is not to excuse disrespectful behavior, but it's important to say. I also have come to realize that people treat you in ways that you allow them. I will not let a man disrespect me, regardless of his race. But I won't subject myself to disrespect either.

Something God has shown me about men recently is that they really like to have their egos stroked, and Black men are no exception. Example from one of the new people that has come into my life--I really thought he was a selfish, arrogant jerk. But I recently had something happen in my life where I needed encouragement, and surprisingly, he gave the best encouragement/advice. I sent him an email to say thanks, not even expecting a response. But he gave one, and actually encouraged me more. So, yes, even the not so gentlemanly black men do want to be better.

I have more to say, but I need to think of how to word it. I will attach a poem (put in another reply right below this one) that I had gotten from a friend's email.

 

[cocoberry10]

From an email I received...

A Prayer for the Black Man

Dear God:

Thank you for the black men that you have put on this earth. More importantly thank you for the good black men that you have put on this campus. I know that the men here are often under appreciated so I want to take this time to thank you for them. Rarely do they have anyone tell them how great they are which can cause many to question their worth. To me black men are so beautiful that they put the colors inside of my world. The good men here are my heroes. They deserve to be admired, cherished and loved. There are so many good qualities that these men possess but their deeds often go unnoticed.

I know that men don't always do right, but neither do women, and unless we are perfect in our walk we have no right to be overly critical. We often walk around and pass judgment based on the actions of a few bad seeds and we never give credit to how great guys on campus really are. Thank you for the black men that deal with our attitudes, drama and unnecessary rants. Thank you for the black men that can handle our mood swings, insecurities, and when we go off for no good reason are tolerant enough to let it ride.

Thank you Lord for the strength that you have bestowed upon these men. They wake up every morning with the world against them and instead of lying down they rise up and work harder to be all that they can be. Thank you for the determination that you have put in so many of these men on campus. You give them the will to work hard so they can succeed in life. Lord, you have blessed us with many brilliant young men on this campus and if they didn't know this, I pray that someone in their lives will let them know.

Thank you for the good men that take care of business. For the many guys that hold open doors or give up seats on the shuttles, thank you. For the men that walk with girls at night to keep them safe, thank you. Thanks for the guys willing to try our cooking, when some of us can barely boil water. Thanks for the guys that pass out flowers in the cold on Valentine's Day to the lonely women here. Thank you for the guys who help us move in and out of the dorms every year. Thank you for the guys that helped shovel our cars out of the snow. Thank you for all the things they do that go unrecognized.

I wish they could know that if no one else in this world loves them, I do. I also pray that the women here can realize that not all men are the same. I pray that for once the good guys can finish first. Also I pray that women will realize that every man here is not out to dog her. I thank you for the men that love us with all our faults. They’re some of your greatest creations and they deserve to be shown some love every now and then.

So Lord if any man out there today feels down, I pray that you help lift him and keep him strong. And for the men who are reading this and in no way can relate, I pray that they can get their acts together and become the great men they're destined to be. Thank you God for the Good Men. Amen.

 

[Shimmie]

Coco, thank you for the beauty of your ministry. Not only is it appreciated, but it is also programed for me and many others who will read what you've shared. Your entire posts are totally on point.

Coco, remember my recent thread, "Love Becomes Me"? (linked right here below)

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=106567

When God whispered these words into my spirit, "Love Becomes you" He is obviously showing me what looks best on me and what people are more drawn to...His love. What I adorn myself best is with His love. That's His true beauty.

This present thread is focusing on the following:

1. Facing the Truth and Reality about this issue.
2. The Contributing Factors
3. Methods of Healing
4. Opening up to the Healing
4. Extending Love and Grace
5. Understanding Our Black Men
6. Encourage "Normal" Friendships
with Black Men as I have with White Men
7. Believe in them again.

Food for thought:

For years we've we have been resentful of Black men who become successful and then marry outside of our race; only to enhance the life of one from another culture and not keep the success it within ours.

I have a 'gift' which goes beyond silver or gold or rubies. An annointing upon my life and a Blood Covenant enriched by a personal and loving relationship with our Heavenly Father. This and all, which affords me far more then money can buy. No doubt whomever I marry will benefit; but to whom shall I give it? God gives me a choice and He will honor it either way.

My choice cannot be based upon his color...

 

[Shimmie]

I've been in prayer since I posted this thread. This is a mistake that I made about 4 years ago and I've never been happy about it.

I rejected a man because he was a 'Brother'. It didn't start out that way, but I rejected him and I did it for all the wrong reasons. The thing is, I was afraid to let him into my life as more than a friend.

I tried to rationalize it by thinking he was a 'flirt', but all men 'flirt to a degree and I always handle it very well, by 'flipping the script' and sharing the Lord with them. Many have been led to the Lord or have enriched their walk with Him.

Anyway, he was a nice person and I rejected his attempts to know me better, only because he was Black.

I've changed alot since then and now even more, God has been dealing with my heart to see our men as honorable.

I love our men. I just want to trust them and let them in my life again. I cherish the White friends that I have. They truly love me without reservations. I know that God is mending and blending the races and it's so beautiful in the way that I've been experiencing this 'blend and mend' of our cultures.

But I don't want to leave out the men I truly love...Black like me. There's an ache in my heart that misses them. Whether I marry White or Black, I want the loving trust of our Black men back.

 

[crlsweetie912]

I have trust issues, but I have never dated other than a Black man. There is a guy that's been calling me for a while now. We go to church together and I keep things light. We went on a couple of dates last year but it didn't work out. He told me we would "just be friends", but lately he's been blowing my phone up. I don't understand men for the most part and have a hard time trusting anybody for a number of reasons. My last relationship really took the cake. It would have to be "the one" for me to ever open up fully to any man again.

 

[Shimmie]

I have trust issues, but I have never dated other than a Black man. There is a guy that's been calling me for a while now. We go to church together and I keep things light. We went on a couple of dates last year but it didn't work out. He told me we would "just be friends", but lately he's been blowing my phone up. I don't understand men for the most part and have a hard time trusting anybody for a number of reasons. My last relationship really took the cake. It would have to be "the one" for me to ever open up fully to any man again.

I believe God wants to 'close' the gap on this trust issue with our men.
The majority of our men are more than trustworthy.

But you know what happens Crlsweetie, we (as women) get 'hit' with the big ones. You know the big heartbreaks and disappointments; we forgive and actually 'forget' and then we get 'hit' again, only harder this time and it makes us put up a guard to protect ourselves.

I loved my ex-husband, more than any man who has walked this earth, I loved him, yet he 'left' me without regard to void of trust that he was leaving me with as his token of 'love.'

Life's lessons... Jesus comes in and we heal. And we have to let him heal us...continually.

 

[pebbles]

I've been in prayer since I posted this thread. This is a mistake that I made about 4 years ago and I've never been happy about it.

I rejected a man because he was a 'Brother'. It didn't start out that way, but I rejected him and I did it for all the wrong reasons. The thing is, I was afraid to let him into my life as more than a friend.

I tried to rationalize it by thinking he was a 'flirt', but all men 'flirt to a degree and I always handle it very well, by 'flipping the script' and sharing the Lord with them. Many have been led to the Lord or have enriched their walk with Him.

Anyway, he was a nice person and I rejected his attempts to know me better, only because he was Black.

I've changed alot since then and now even more, God has been dealing with my heart to see our men as honorable.

I love our men. I just want to trust them and let them in my life again. I cherish the White friends that I have. They truly love me without reservations. I know that God is mending and blending the races and it's so beautiful in the way that I've been experiencing this 'blend and mend' of our cultures.

But I don't want to leave out the men I truly love...Black like me. There's an ache in my heart that misses them. Whether I marry White or Black, I want the loving trust of our Black men back.

Shim, I've been thinking about this since you posted it yesterday. I had to seek God and ask Him the same question you asked here.

You know how you learn to trust any person? One individual at a time, and on an individual basis. That goes for all men. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt until they prove that they are not worthy of your trust. Not all men are honorable, and not all black men are dishonorable and dishonest. When you've been hurt, it is normal to be weary. But don't miss out on knowing some great people because of what someone else did. God wants you to be free of this. Psalm 147:3 says He heals the broken in heart and binds up their wounds.

Know that because you have confessed this here, you have been set free, and are on the road to total healing. If you hadn't said anything, you'd still be a slave to this hurt. I love you, sis!

 

[crlsweetie912]

I understand EXACTLY what you mean Shimmie! I got hit with several big ones. The last one being the most devastating. It's all good though, because I don't know if I would have fully given myself over to God and totally and completely changed my life! I have no regrets about anything that I have been through, because I have learned a whole heck of alot about myself, what I don't want, and WHAT I NEED! God is awesome how his plans for us are totally and completely perfect, even with all of the "bumps" along the road!

 

[Shimmie]

Shim, I've been thinking about this since you posted it yesterday. I had to seek God and ask Him the same question you asked here.

You know how you learn to trust any person? One individual at a time, and on an individual basis. That goes for all men. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt until they prove that they are not worthy of your trust. Not all men are honorable, and not all black men are dishonorable and dishonest. When you've been hurt, it is normal to be weary. But don't miss out on knowing some great people because of what someone else did. God wants you to be free of this. Psalm 147:3 says He heals the broken in heart and binds up their wounds.

Know that because you have confessed this here, you have been set free, and are on the road to total healing. If you hadn't said anything, you'd still be a slave to this hurt. I love you, sis!

Thanks Sweetheart. This is exactly what it is. Letting go of all of the disappointments I've experienced (my marriage and my first church) and allow God to set me completely free. For in all this time, I had only suppressed it.

Love you much...

 

[cocoberry10]

I agree with all posters, and know where everyone is coming from. Like I said in my post Singleness vs. Marriage (http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=106156), I haven't been hurt like many women I know.

Sure, there has been a jerk or two, but the relationships never got far enough for them to do major damage. I always ended before.

What Jesus has really been putting on my heart lately is that it's all about love. Just think of how hurt He was on that cross, or how wounded He felt when Peter betrayed Him (not once, but 3 times). Women get so bitter when they are hurt by men, and that's understandable. But I know for me, God is working on me being more trusting and vulnerable (so Shimmie, your post came at a great time). God is trying to get me to realize that I can't worry about whether someone is a jerk or not, and that should not be my focus when interacting with people. Honoring God should always be our focus, and following His ways.

What do you want God to say to you when you get to judgment day?

1) I'm glad you were able to honor my ways, and never get hurt in the process. But you also never experienced loving others, turning others to me, or how much of a restorer I am, or really living, b/c you guarded your heart so much...

OR

2) I know a lot of things didn't make sense to you at the time you went through them. I know it hurt you when that man you really loved wouldn't marry you; when that man you married left; when that man you thought was "the one," wasn't...BUT look at the life you lived. Look at all the people you brought to me. Look at how you reflected MY LOVE (pure, unconditional, not expecting anything in return). Look at how you took the disappointments in your life and still trusted Me. How you were faithful, even when everything around you was faithless.

I know God is really weighing on me (trust me, my shoulders hurt) to be more open and vulnerable. Not easy, but necessary.

It's funny b/c God keeps putting this man on my heart/mind. He's Black American (as am I), but we met in another country. He is friends with another guy I know (who has those typical not-so great guy traits), that I also met in another country while studying abroad. I have stayed friends with the guy in my program, and literally almost every time we talk, he mentions this other guy. This guy definitely was a good guy, but the timing definitely wasn't right when I initially met him. It's weird b/c I don't know him well, and I keep trying to forget thinking about him, but I'm really starting to think God wants to keep putting this person in my mind. Maybe our paths will cross, and I don't know this yet, only God knows.

 

[kbragg]

I never allowed race to be an issue. Who knows, God may have a Chinese man for you. I never thought I'd marry outside my race, but am happliy married to a white man. All men are the same, white, black, whatever, they're all dumb! That's why God created us to set them straight! On a serious note though, God does not concider race when it comes to salvation. We are ALL His bride. Imagine if he only wanted the hebrews and not went "outside the race." I thank God everyday for His love and mercy. So if God can marry a gentile, I can marry a white man. Race issues are nothing more than a root of pride that causes division. I won't go OT on this one. My advice, don't trust ANY man regardless of his race! Don't cast your pearls before swine, and guard your heart. Ask God for a TRUE believer who is walking after the Spirit, not after the flesh. His skin color should be irrelevant.

I hope my post doesn't come across as mean, it certainly isn't. I'm just on major pain killers right now after 5 surgical extractions, so my postings may be a bit erradic!


.

 

[Shimmie]

I never allowed race to be an issue. Who knows, God may have a Chinese man for you. I never thought I'd marry outside my race, but am happliy married to a white man.

All men are the same, white, black, whatever, they're all dumb! That's why God created us to set them straight!

On a serious note though, God does not concider race when it comes to salvation. We are ALL His bride. Imagine if he only wanted the hebrews and not went "outside the race."

I thank God everyday for His love and mercy. So if God can marry a gentile, I can marry a white man. Race issues are nothing more than a root of pride that causes division. I won't go OT on this one.

My advice, don't trust ANY man regardless of his race! Don't cast your pearls before swine, and guard your heart. Ask God for a TRUE believer who is walking after the Spirit, not after the flesh. His skin color should be irrelevant.

I hope my post doesn't come across as mean, it certainly isn't. I'm just on major pain killers right now after 5 surgical extractions, so my postings may be a bit erradic!

and giving you a high 5 double time. Those meds you're on spoke the truth...

Thank you, thank you, thank you Angel. I'm laughing and I have tears in my eyes from the love in all of these posts. "Shimmie was a wreck"

I have been feeling so sad because I couldn't take any more bad news about the Black church and all the mess going on. It was bringing up the past which I thought was over with. In adddition to facing up to what I've been hiding in my heart regarding our 'men.'

God never stops loving us and growing us up. Each of you have 'loved' me through this and I am so grateful.

Kbragg, your post has blessed me more than you can imagine. I'm so glad for you and especially your husband, for his has 'you' to love him all the days of his life. I send you rich and warm 'Marriage Blessings' that cannot be altered or taken away. In Jesus' name...Amen and Amen.

 

[Shimmie]

I agree with all posters, and know where everyone is coming from. Like I said in my post Singleness vs. Marriage

(http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=106156), I haven't been hurt like many women I know. Sure, there has been a jerk or two, but the relationships never got far enough for them to do major damage. I always ended before.

What Jesus has really been putting on my heart lately is that it's all about love. Just think of how hurt He was on that cross, or how wounded He felt when Peter betrayed Him (not once, but 3 times). Women get so bitter when they are hurt by men, and that's understandable.

But I know for me, God is working on me being more trusting and vulnerable (so Shimmie, your post came at a great time).

God is trying to get me to realize that I can't worry about whether someone is a jerk or not, and that should not be my focus when interacting with people.

Honoring God should always be our focus, and following His ways.

What do you want God to say to you when you get to judgment day?

1) I'm glad you were able to honor my ways, and never get hurt in the process.

But you also never experienced loving others, turning others to me, or how much of a restorer I am, or really living, b/c you guarded your heart so much...

OR

2) I know a lot of things didn't make sense to you at the time you went through them. I know it hurt you when that man you really loved wouldn't marry you; when that man you married left; when that man you thought was "the one," wasn't...

BUT look at the life you lived. Look at all the people you brought to me.

Look at how you reflected MY LOVE (pure, unconditional, not expecting anything in return).

Look at how you took the disappointments in your life and still trusted Me. How you were faithful, even when everything around you was faithless.

I know God is really weighing on me (trust me, my shoulders hurt) to be more open and vulnerable. Not easy, but necessary.

It's funny b/c God keeps putting this man on my heart/mind. He's Black American (as am I), but we met in another country. He is friends with another guy I know (who has those typical not-so great guy traits), that I also met in another country while studying abroad. I have stayed friends with the guy in my program, and literally almost every time we talk, he mentions this guy. This guy definitely was a good guy, but the timing definitely wasn't right when I initially met him. It's weird b/c I don't know him well, and I keep trying to forget thinking about him, but I'm really starting to think God wants to keep putting this person in my mind. Maybe our paths will cross, and I don't know this yet, only God knows.

Everything you shared has pierced straight into my heart. It's tearing down the walls which I've allowed to be built to 'guard myself' from being hurt again.

You shared about Jesus and the hurt he endured, 'the cross', the betrayals, and yet he loved.

You shared that the hurts I've endured has brought others to Jesus...it's true. That's how I always fought back.

But Coco, here's where you nailed it and broke the yoke...your very words right here...

God is trying to get me to realize that I can't worry about whether someone is a jerk or not, and that should not be my focus when interacting with people.

Honoring God should always be our focus, and following His ways.

Thank you, Coco...

 

[BlkManWithSomeSense]

Kbragg,
If I were to put what you said in context then basically you're saying that as a blk woman you see yourself no differently than any woman regardless of race. If color was the only thing that made a black woman different from other women then I would agree with you but there is NOTHING like a blk woman. Her demeanor, resilience and composure is beyond compare. IMO she is special and well worth the wait. I'm glad that you've found happiness with someone of another race. However, there is much more to be desired in black relationships than mere skin color.

Shimmie,
There is a uniqueness in our culture and that is one major reason why many blk men and women resist the constant suggestions to go to other races. The attraction between us could almost be described as 'religious'. I mean no disrespect. I'm just saying that the unity is deeply spiritual, soulful and rejuvenating. The level of loyalty is unparalleled. When done correctly, there is no force on earth greater, stronger or deeper defined. However with such power of greatness there is also the possibility that some will abuse and manipulate, not realizing that in doing so they are creating a hurt so massive that it could leave many emotionally devoid for a very long time.

When I date, I'm aware of this influence and I know occasionally I will encounter some women who's belief in blk men falters so low that they socialize with us merely to entertain the part of their consciousness that challenges them to say they 'tried' . She doesn't expect much from the date. In fact, if there are any expectations, it's that she will expect me to fail, be deceitful and just when I've gained her trust, abandon her.

Whats sad is that to a degree she's right. Many men do 'weasel in' under the guise of sincerity. Whats even sadder is that many blk men know some women think this way of 'us' and instead of rising to the occasion, they just give in to her opinion, believing that if she thinks him to be a beast, then a beast he will be. In his own way, feeling if she is abandoning him, he will do the same.

It's not just you Shimmie, The trust system among us is in dire straits. IMO there is a HUGE lack of leadership among blk men, and a serious lack of responsibility. It is ESSENTIAL, whether the relationship turns out good or bad to hold a man accountable for his actions. If he does not follow through on his word then he must understand the gravity of consequences. I know it's hard to do when you love someone but if a man thinks everything is a free ride then he's not going to challenge himself. However the balance is providing him guidance and encouragement so that he can become the man he needs to be. Some women feel they are no longer in the 'guidance and nurturing business' and thats unfortunate. A man is NOTHING without the nurturing of a woman. Be she mother or wife.

It is SO hard for black relationships to endure these days. There are many contributing factors that are undermining their existence.
-Commonilties. We use our grandparents as examples of longevity and strength but whereas the enemy was clear and obvious during their day, our 'enemies' are smaller. The focus is not there. We do not have the civil rights era or OVERT acts of racism in our time to pull us together so easily and quickly.
-The Role of the Church.For many, church is no longer a foundation. It is an accent. We worship together in large numbers but do not 'know' each other, feeling the word supersedes the need to maintain a tight connection of community. Others have become disenfranchised, because of recent scandals.
-Materialism. Great strides in material gains have not placed relationships as a priority. As some have acquired more, they become choosier and demanding. placing emphasis on socio-economical compatibility and less on spiritual growth and maturity.
-Lastly a serious lack of self discipline. Moving away from a 'take what you need' to 'take all that you want because you can' mentality. It's hard for many to live simply because they are offered so much.

I firmly believe in preserving this unique and wonderful type of love that has served as the structure and prototype for generations.

 

[pebbles]

Kbragg,
If I were to put what you said in context then basically you're saying that as a blk woman you see yourself no differently than any woman regardless of race. If color was the only thing that made a black woman different from other women then I would agree with you but there is NOTHING like a blk woman. Her demeanor, resilience and composure is beyond compare. IMO she is special and well worth the wait. I'm glad that you've found happiness with someone of another race. However, there is much more to be desired in black relationships than mere skin color.

Shimmie,
There is a uniqueness in our culture and that is one major reason why many blk men and women resist the constant suggestions to go to other races. The attraction between us could almost be described as 'religious'. I mean no disrespect. I'm just saying that the unity is deeply spiritual, soulful and rejuvenating. The level of loyalty is unparalleled. When done correctly, there is no force on earth greater, stronger or deeper defined. However with such power of greatness there is also the possibility that some will abuse and manipulate, not realizing that in doing so they are creating a hurt so massive that it could leave many emotionally devoid for a very long time.

When I date, I'm aware of this influence and I know occasionally I will encounter some women who's belief in blk men falters so low that they socialize with us merely to entertain the part of their consciousness that challenges them to say they 'tried' . She doesn't expect much from the date. In fact, if there are any expectations, it's that she will expect me to fail, be deceitful and just when I've gained her trust, abandon her.

Whats sad is that to a degree she's right. Many men do 'weasel in' under the guise of sincerity. Whats even sadder is that many blk men know some women think this way of 'us' and instead of rising to the occasion, they just give in to her opinion, believing that if she thinks him to be a beast, then a beast he will be. In his own way, feeling if she is abandoning him, he will do the same.

It's not just you Shimmie, The trust system among us is in dire straits. IMO there is a HUGE lack of leadership among blk men, and a serious lack of responsibility. It is ESSENTIAL, whether the relationship turns out good or bad to hold a man accountable for his actions. If he does not follow through on his word then he must understand the gravity of consequences. I know it's hard to do when you love someone but if a man thinks everything is a free ride then he's not going to challenge himself. However the balance is providing him guidance and encouragement so that he can become the man he needs to be. Some women feel they are no longer in the 'guidance and nurturing business' and thats unfortunate. A man is NOTHING without the nurturing of a woman. Be she mother or wife.

It is SO hard for black relationships to endure these days. There are many contributing factors that are undermining their existence.
-Commonilties. We use our grandparents as examples of longevity and strength but whereas the enemy was clear and obvious during their day, our 'enemies' are smaller. The focus is not there. We do not have the civil rights era or OVERT acts of racism in our time to pull us together so easily and quickly.
-The Role of the Church.For many, church is no longer a foundation. It is an accent. We worship together in large numbers but do not 'know' each other, feeling the word supersedes the need to maintain a tight connection of community. Others have become disenfranchised, because of recent scandals.
-Materialism. Great strides in material gains have not placed relationships as a priority. As some have acquired more, they become choosier and demanding. placing emphasis on socio-economical compatibility and less on spiritual growth and maturity.
-Lastly a serious lack of self discipline. Moving away from a 'take what you need' to 'take all that you want because you can' mentality. It's hard for many to live simply because they are offered so much.

I firmly believe in preserving this unique and wonderful type of love that has served as the structure and prototype for generations.

My goodness! The wisdom abounds!!! Wonderful, wonderful post!!!
Thank-you!! That was really great to read!!

 

[CaramelMiSS]

Kbragg,
If I were to put what you said in context then basically you're saying that as a blk woman you see yourself no differently than any woman regardless of race. If color was the only thing that made a black woman different from other women then I would agree with you but there is NOTHING like a blk woman. Her demeanor, resilience and composure is beyond compare. IMO she is special and well worth the wait. I'm glad that you've found happiness with someone of another race. However, there is much more to be desired in black relationships than mere skin color.

Shimmie,
There is a uniqueness in our culture and that is one major reason why many blk men and women resist the constant suggestions to go to other races. The attraction between us could almost be described as 'religious'. I mean no disrespect. I'm just saying that the unity is deeply spiritual, soulful and rejuvenating. The level of loyalty is unparalleled. When done correctly, there is no force on earth greater, stronger or deeper defined. However with such power of greatness there is also the possibility that some will abuse and manipulate, not realizing that in doing so they are creating a hurt so massive that it could leave many emotionally devoid for a very long time.

When I date, I'm aware of this influence and I know occasionally I will encounter some women who's belief in blk men falters so low that they socialize with us merely to entertain the part of their consciousness that challenges them to say they 'tried' . She doesn't expect much from the date. In fact, if there are any expectations, it's that she will expect me to fail, be deceitful and just when I've gained her trust, abandon her.

Whats sad is that to a degree she's right. Many men do 'weasel in' under the guise of sincerity. Whats even sadder is that many blk men know some women think this way of 'us' and instead of rising to the occasion, they just give in to her opinion, believing that if she thinks him to be a beast, then a beast he will be. In his own way, feeling if she is abandoning him, he will do the same.

It's not just you Shimmie, The trust system among us is in dire straits. IMO there is a HUGE lack of leadership among blk men, and a serious lack of responsibility. It is ESSENTIAL, whether the relationship turns out good or bad to hold a man accountable for his actions. If he does not follow through on his word then he must understand the gravity of consequences. I know it's hard to do when you love someone but if a man thinks everything is a free ride then he's not going to challenge himself. However the balance is providing him guidance and encouragement so that he can become the man he needs to be. Some women feel they are no longer in the 'guidance and nurturing business' and thats unfortunate. A man is NOTHING without the nurturing of a woman. Be she mother or wife.

It is SO hard for black relationships to endure these days. There are many contributing factors that are undermining their existence.
-Commonilties. We use our grandparents as examples of longevity and strength but whereas the enemy was clear and obvious during their day, our 'enemies' are smaller. The focus is not there. We do not have the civil rights era or OVERT acts of racism in our time to pull us together so easily and quickly.
-The Role of the Church.For many, church is no longer a foundation. It is an accent. We worship together in large numbers but do not 'know' each other, feeling the word supersedes the need to maintain a tight connection of community. Others have become disenfranchised, because of recent scandals.
-Materialism. Great strides in material gains have not placed relationships as a priority. As some have acquired more, they become choosier and demanding. placing emphasis on socio-economical compatibility and less on spiritual growth and maturity.
-Lastly a serious lack of self discipline. Moving away from a 'take what you need' to 'take all that you want because you can' mentality. It's hard for many to live simply because they are offered so much.

I firmly believe in preserving this unique and wonderful type of love that has served as the structure and prototype for generations.

Do you know that I am dealing with that right now alot of young black men tend to think, "No one was ther to help me so why should I help someone who I don't know?" . I was so mad when I heard that question, but that just put something into view for me, there is a lack of leadership because of that type of attitude right there. Another thing about trusting, I had an issue with that a while ago when I had my first relationship, God told me do not trust anyone but him and I continue to do that. The thing about church that I notice alot of people that are brought up in the church that I have come in to contact with do not do the main thing that one should do when building a relationship with God, which READ THE BIBLE. I hear so many people say that if you do not go to church then you don't know God. That is so not true, yes you need to fellowship but the only one that can teach you is God. It is good to have a mentor to help lead you to God but, when you not reading the word and counting on a man/human to teach you that's when you fail. Just like when you take a class you have a teacher to teach you but you are responsible for reading that text book so you can have a further understanding of it. In all thy getting get wisdom and understanding!

 

[Shimmie]

Gee Whiz, Everyone. I love each of you so much. And I mean this with all of my heart...not just words. I'm so glad I was able to log in today

Can say this. I was so embarrassed to share this about me. I literally 'fought' making this thread. I was ashamed of having these issues. But posting it was pressing at me so strongly. I can see all the more that this is an issue that has to be dealt with. As a race, we have to heal. And it's beginning right here.

I have replies to the posts, especially about the 'nurturing' which BlkMan shared...that's my biggest 'weakness'...I nurture and love it, it fits me.

But may I say the following to each of you, first...? Yes?

Pebs...hey sweetie... you're here keeping me grounded and you never judge me. My day has to start with prayers for you...you're my angel. I'm drinking my 'Holy Water' Pretty wine glass with my grown up drink, Perrier I love you Pebs...

BlkManWSS: Hey....Brother of ours...BlkManWith "LOVE" and WISDOM"....Thank you for coming in and for just being here. I respect you so much. Everything about you is much needed. I've been reading your posts for a while and it is a GIFT to my heart and soul to sit and nod and smile and 'respect' you, a Black man yes, but a Real man...more...a man of God. You, this man, my brother in unity, in Christ, in my heart.

May I say that I love you too? I love you, precious brother. Please don't ever leave us. I'd miss you ... You're in my prayers too.

Cocoberry: Thank you for everything, I love you my sister.

Crlsweetie...you're my girl and I love you much.

Kbragg, CaramelMiss..... I love you too.
------------
On a light note...

Shmmmie has homemade sweet potato pies in the oven...rolls in the pan and yummie greens without 'fatback'... I use turkey bacon and white wine.

I'm sharing this along with my heart with each of you....with a crystal glass of Perrier.

Funny Note: I'll have to give you all 'shimmie' lessons to eliminate the calories from today.

Happy Thanksgiving Sweet Ones....

{{{Loving Hugs }}}

 

[pebbles]

Happy Thanksgiving, Shimmie!! We love you, too!
Since I plan on eating myself into a coma today, I can sure use the shimmie lessons for eliminating the calories later on! LOL!

 

[Shimmie]

Happy Thanksgiving, Shimmie!! We love you, too!

Since I plan on eating myself into a coma today, I can sure use the shimmie lessons for eliminating the calories later on! LOL!

Girl, you have me rolling on the floor laughing...''Coma"....

I love you so much...God has given me such a wonderful gift in you and so much to be thankful for.

As for the shimmie lessons, I have multiple variations So, there's one for everyone's individual level. Hey Pebs, another confession. I really believe God blessed me in Belly Dance, because it doesn't require having 6 pack abs.... I can eat all I want and keep my 4 pk tummie ...

My Raw Diet from the Health/Fitness forum is out the window today...I mean out. I'm having my carbs today, big time. The weight I've lost this summer will allow me this one day of carb Coma...'

Hugs, hugs and more...

 

[Shimmie]

Shimmie,
There is a uniqueness in our culture and that is one major reason why many blk men and women resist the constant suggestions to go to other races. The attraction between us could almost be described as 'religious'. I mean no disrespect. I'm just saying that the unity is deeply spiritual, soulful and rejuvenating. The level of loyalty is unparalleled. When done correctly, there is no force on earth greater, stronger or deeper defined. However with such power of greatness there is also the possibility that some will abuse and manipulate, not realizing that in doing so they are creating a hurt so massive that it could leave many emotionally devoid for a very long time.

When I date, I'm aware of this influence and I know occasionally I will encounter some women who's belief in blk men falters so low that they socialize with us merely to entertain the part of their consciousness that challenges them to say they 'tried' . She doesn't expect much from the date. In fact, if there are any expectations, it's that she will expect me to fail, be deceitful and just when I've gained her trust, abandon her.

Whats sad is that to a degree she's right. Many men do 'weasel in' under the guise of sincerity. Whats even sadder is that many blk men know some women think this way of 'us' and instead of rising to the occasion, they just give in to her opinion, believing that if she thinks him to be a beast, then a beast he will be. In his own way, feeling if she is abandoning him, he will do the same.

It's not just you Shimmie, The trust system among us is in dire straits. IMO there is a HUGE lack of leadership among blk men, and a serious lack of responsibility. It is ESSENTIAL, whether the relationship turns out good or bad to hold a man accountable for his actions. If he does not follow through on his word then he must understand the gravity of consequences. I know it's hard to do when you love someone but if a man thinks everything is a free ride then he's not going to challenge himself. However the balance is providing him guidance and encouragement so that he can become the man he needs to be. Some women feel they are no longer in the 'guidance and nurturing business' and thats unfortunate. A man is NOTHING without the nurturing of a woman. Be she mother or wife.

It is SO hard for black relationships to endure these days. There are many contributing factors that are undermining their existence.
-Commonilties. We use our grandparents as examples of longevity and strength but whereas the enemy was clear and obvious during their day, our 'enemies' are smaller. The focus is not there. We do not have the civil rights era or OVERT acts of racism in our time to pull us together so easily and quickly.
-The Role of the Church.For many, church is no longer a foundation. It is an accent. We worship together in large numbers but do not 'know' each other, feeling the word supersedes the need to maintain a tight connection of community. Others have become disenfranchised, because of recent scandals.
-Materialism. Great strides in material gains have not placed relationships as a priority. As some have acquired more, they become choosier and demanding. placing emphasis on socio-economical compatibility and less on spiritual growth and maturity.
-Lastly a serious lack of self discipline. Moving away from a 'take what you need' to 'take all that you want because you can' mentality. It's hard for many to live simply because they are offered so much.

I firmly believe in preserving this unique and wonderful type of love that has served as the structure and prototype for generations.

I'm still reading through this and I have more comments (agreements, comparisons, and appreciations).

However, I want to share this. Last night I learned something new.

The meaning of "Ride or Die".

Ride or Die is how you have expressed your feelings about our race; but not as a race so much as it is about a 'people'... a rich heritage...a life that no other culture has been able to capture.

There is a fight against us as well as within us. And what it comes down to is this...we choose to 'Ride or Die'. Who we are makes it worth it.

Life gives back what (to whom) we give life to...

In African dance, we always cherished the earth from which we came...the Black richness of the earth, from which God formed Adam ....

"Ride or Die"

Thanks BlkMan, I'm learning more of what I've always known...

 

[cocoberry10]

Kbragg,
If I were to put what you said in context then basically you're saying that as a blk woman you see yourself no differently than any woman regardless of race. If color was the only thing that made a black woman different from other women then I would agree with you but there is NOTHING like a blk woman. Her demeanor, resilience and composure is beyond compare. IMO she is special and well worth the wait. I'm glad that you've found happiness with someone of another race. However, there is much more to be desired in black relationships than mere skin color.

Shimmie,
There is a uniqueness in our culture and that is one major reason why many blk men and women resist the constant suggestions to go to other races. The attraction between us could almost be described as 'religious'. I mean no disrespect. I'm just saying that the unity is deeply spiritual, soulful and rejuvenating. The level of loyalty is unparalleled. When done correctly, there is no force on earth greater, stronger or deeper defined. However with such power of greatness there is also the possibility that some will abuse and manipulate, not realizing that in doing so they are creating a hurt so massive that it could leave many emotionally devoid for a very long time.

When I date, I'm aware of this influence and I know occasionally I will encounter some women who's belief in blk men falters so low that they socialize with us merely to entertain the part of their consciousness that challenges them to say they 'tried' . She doesn't expect much from the date. In fact, if there are any expectations, it's that she will expect me to fail, be deceitful and just when I've gained her trust, abandon her.

Whats sad is that to a degree she's right. Many men do 'weasel in' under the guise of sincerity. Whats even sadder is that many blk men know some women think this way of 'us' and instead of rising to the occasion, they just give in to her opinion, believing that if she thinks him to be a beast, then a beast he will be. In his own way, feeling if she is abandoning him, he will do the same.

It's not just you Shimmie, The trust system among us is in dire straits. IMO there is a HUGE lack of leadership among blk men, and a serious lack of responsibility. It is ESSENTIAL, whether the relationship turns out good or bad to hold a man accountable for his actions. If he does not follow through on his word then he must understand the gravity of consequences. I know it's hard to do when you love someone but if a man thinks everything is a free ride then he's not going to challenge himself. However the balance is providing him guidance and encouragement so that he can become the man he needs to be. Some women feel they are no longer in the 'guidance and nurturing business' and thats unfortunate. A man is NOTHING without the nurturing of a woman. Be she mother or wife.

It is SO hard for black relationships to endure these days. There are many contributing factors that are undermining their existence.
-Commonilties. We use our grandparents as examples of longevity and strength but whereas the enemy was clear and obvious during their day, our 'enemies' are smaller. The focus is not there. We do not have the civil rights era or OVERT acts of racism in our time to pull us together so easily and quickly.
-The Role of the Church.For many, church is no longer a foundation. It is an accent. We worship together in large numbers but do not 'know' each other, feeling the word supersedes the need to maintain a tight connection of community. Others have become disenfranchised, because of recent scandals.
-Materialism. Great strides in material gains have not placed relationships as a priority. As some have acquired more, they become choosier and demanding. placing emphasis on socio-economical compatibility and less on spiritual growth and maturity.
-Lastly a serious lack of self discipline. Moving away from a 'take what you need' to 'take all that you want because you can' mentality. It's hard for many to live simply because they are offered so much.

I firmly believe in preserving this unique and wonderful type of love that has served as the structure and prototype for generations.

Thanks for this post!

 

[Shimmie]

Thanks for this post!

Hi Coco, Hope your holiday was blessed. I was able to login yesterday, afterall. Or should I say, feed my LHCF addiction?

You are so right about his post. BlkManWSS has made a tremdous impact on this subject coming not only from a man's perspective, but one which faces reality.

I'm still reading through it and noting how much he is flowing with the Holy Spirit. Just what we needed to 'hear'.

 

[kweenameena]

Wow, this thread was soooo enlightening for me. I was actually tearing up reading this. It just reminded me of how far God has brought me in my marriage. And how I can really see the changes when this time last year I just knew there was no way there could be a light at the end of our grimey sewer hole! Learning to trust is sooooo hard for me. I'm making progress but only in baby steps. I've learned that I can't trust my husband to be anything but human and that God is the ONLY one I can trust to allows do me right. Heck, I can't even trust myself sometimes. (I almost ate a whole pineapple-upside down cake yesterday).
But I'm learning to give my husband a chance. By me not trusting him from the beginning, I wasn't really giving God a chance.


Shimmie, I don't know if you know it but you are such an inspiration and uplifter for a lot of young women here. I sometimes just look for posts you've written in because I love how positive you are. I'm grateful to be able to read them. Its truly a privilege!

I'm getting tooo emotional. This thread is bringing up so many feelings.
​

 

[YasmanSoBe]

Shimmie, I don't know if you know it but you are such an inspiration and uplifter for a lot of young women here. I sometimes just look for posts you've written in because I love how positive you are. I'm grateful to be able to read them. Its truly a privilege!


​

​

ITA! I really enjoy her posts.

 

[Shimmie]

Wow, this thread was soooo enlightening for me. I was actually tearing up reading this. It just reminded me of how far God has brought me in my marriage. And how I can really see the changes when this time last year I just knew there was no way there could be a light at the end of our grimey sewer hole! Learning to trust is sooooo hard for me. I'm making progress but only in baby steps. I've learned that I can't trust my husband to be anything but human and that God is the ONLY one I can trust to allows do me right. Heck, I can't even trust myself sometimes. (I almost ate a whole pineapple-upside down cake yesterday).
But I'm learning to give my husband a chance. By me not trusting him from the beginning, I wasn't really giving God a chance.


Shimmie, I don't know if you know it but you are such an inspiration and uplifter for a lot of young women here. I sometimes just look for posts you've written in because I love how positive you are. I'm grateful to be able to read them. Its truly a privilege!

I'm getting tooo emotional. This thread is bringing up so many feelings.​

​

Kweenameena, thank you so much for being here. I wish you and your husband, longevity of loving years of love and ... trust of each other...in God, forever.

What you say of me is more than kind. Only God can take glory for any good I do. As you cry, so do I, for this thread has been a spirit full for me. I was is such a struggle to begin this thread. I wasn't going to do so because I was so ashamed of my feelings.

But I can see how God is really moving and doing a great amount of healing here...begining with me. I pray for all to be blessed healed from all hurts, both male and female.

Last night, I learned from "RelaxerRehab' about "Ride or Die" (from her Kramer/Seinfeld thread - OT forum) . She shared Corretta Scott King as a beautiful example, who chose to "Ride or Die" with her husband, Martin in spite of all of the sturggle it entailed. It's a beautiful message in "Rehab's" thread in the link below.

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=107357

Pebbles shared that you begin to trust, One person at a time.

BlkManWSS, shared that we have such a powerful connection as Black men and women, that it's almost 'religious'.

Shimmie,

There is a uniqueness in our culture and that is one major reason why many blk men and women resist the constant suggestions to go to other races. The attraction between us could almost be described as 'religious'.

I mean no disrespect. I'm just saying that the unity is deeply spiritual, soulful and rejuvenating. The level of loyalty is unparalleled. When done correctly, there is no force on earth greater, stronger or deeper defined".

Awesome revelation...not even T.D. Jakes can touch this man's annointing.

I used to pose the following when I ministered 'patience and trust.'

"How do you eat an elephant?' The answer: One bite at a time.

I love to love and I do not wish to lose the beauty and the richness of it. It's now "Ride or Die" - trusting each other...loving 'our' men, one at a time.

Praise God...from whom all blessings flow.

 

[Shimmie]

ITA! I really enjoy her posts.

Gee whiz, thank you. Each of you have made 'exposing' my heart worth the all the shame that I felt regarding this issue of 'trust.' All the more joy of being Black and 'one' with each other.

God bless you, YasmanSoBe...

Loving hugs to each of you...

 

[cocoberry10]

Hi Coco, Hope your holiday was blessed. I was able to login yesterday, afterall. Or should I say, feed my LHCF addiction?

You are so right about his post. BlkManWSS has made a tremdous impact on this subject coming not only from a man's perspective, but one which faces reality.

I'm still reading through it and noting how much he is flowing with the Holy Spirit. Just what we needed to 'hear'.

Thank you Shimmie! Your posts are always honest and heartwarming. Thank you for bringing an important issue to light. A lot of Black women feel this way, and you speaking the truth, whether it's hard to say or not, allows God to work in our lives. The devil can bring us down best, when we won't admit to how we think, especially when that thinking causes negativity or hard feelings. Be blessed.