The Gift of Singleness

[PaperClip]

I think so. I can't speak for everyone but for me; if I'm interested in a guy, there's always a little period of "shyness" or reservation that goes into play before I actually feel comfortable enough to really seek other information. Honestly, I'd be embarassed to say to a guy that I just met "my reasons and objectives for dating are such and such" as soon as the waitress walks away with the menus on our first date. Ya know? I'd at least wait to see which direction the vibes between us go in order to know how to approach the subject. I think there's a period (a rather short period) where you have to feel a person out and actually spend time around them before a real conversation even takes place.

Now you KNOW I ain't talking about it going down like that....

Plus, INFORMATION can be exchanged in SEVERAL WAYS: talk on the telephone, text message (if you got unlimited texting), emails, etc. Hopefully there's some other communication going beyond face-to-face interactions....

 

[Browndilocks]

Come on now. Gimmie some credit!

 

[PaperClip]

U R a smart lady.

All the glory belongs to the Lord.

 

[SEMO]

I came across this book today that made a lot of sense (it's really closer to a booklet but worth the read). It's called "The Art of the Chase." And one thing it says is that women should be mysterious. Men like to chase women and a mysterious woman is intriguing to them. I agree .

 

[janiebaby]

I came across this book today that made a lot of sense (it's really closer to a booklet but worth the read). It's called "The Art of the Chase." And one thing it says is that women should be mysterious. Men like to chase women and a mysterious woman is intriguing to them. I agree .

I completely agree with this statement. I also think that women should be purposeful without letting our potential mates know. I also don't believe in wasting time hoping to mold a man into a husband or hoping to change a man's mind when he says that he isn't ready for a relationship.

I think that being purposeful is about being honest with yourself and having realistic expectations. This doesn't necessarily mean you have to let someone else know verbally what your intentions are let him "see" for himself that you're a hot commodity and that you should be snatched up before you're off the market.

 

[Bunny77]

^^^Janie, you said it all!

Hey everyone!

So much good conversation going on... sorry I haven't been back in a few days -- everyone at my job decided to act absolutely bananas over the last five days and I've been overworked! They have all lost their minds!

Anyway, I think there's a way to date purposefully without seeming "desperate." I practiced it this weekend when I went out with a guy who expressed some interest, but I kinda knew I wasn't interested in him.

He asked me during our dinner what my future goals were. Now, in the past, I would just say, "I'd like to be working at XYZ Corporation as a managing XYZ in the city of ABC," and leave it at that... thinking that if I brought up marriage and family, I'd be scaring a man away.

This time, I said all of the above and added, "And then personally, I would like to be married and have children."

I didn't say when I planned for this to happen, but I also didn't say, "Oh it would be nice to be married...," (like I used to do). I made it clear that was part of my plan, but not in a way to make it seem like I was "auditioning" him to be Mr. Bunny77.

His answer was simply, "Okay, that's cool."

Now, I'm not interested in him that way, but if I was, it would be interesting to see how he responded after that in terms of our continued dating. If he backs off or just talks about "friendship," then I know not to waste my time dating him. If he seems to be moving forward, then he might be worth the time because he knows how I feel and he might appear to feel the same way.

Most men I know do seem to ask or try to find out ways to see where your mind is about the future and they do it pretty early in the process. So there are ways to definitely find out what you need to know about a man... and if he's not down, then move on quickly and don't waste time trying to hope he'll change his mind!

 

[SEMO]

I completely agree with this statement. I also think that women should be purposeful without letting our potential mates know. I also don't believe in wasting time hoping to mold a man into a husband or hoping to change a man's mind when he says that he isn't ready for a relationship.

I think that being purposeful is about being honest with yourself and having realistic expectations. This doesn't necessarily mean you have to let someone else know verbally what your intentions are let him "see" for himself that you're a hot commodity and that you should be snatched up before you're off the market.

Very true. My brother is a good catch and his wife snapped him up while they were in college. I was talking to him yesterday about my wanting to get married and asked him what it was about his wife that drew him in.

He said that you have to leave a man wanting more (not just talking about not having sex). He said that when a man wants to get to know you there is nothing that he won't do. His wife made him want to chase/pursue her. This is the kind of man I want.

 

[Bunny77]

Very true. My brother is a good catch and his wife snapped him up while they were in college. I was talking to him yesterday about my wanting to get married and asked him what it was about his wife that drew him in.

He said that you have to leave a man wanting more (not just talking about not having sex). He said that when a man wants to get to know you there is nothing that he won't do. His wife made him want to chase/pursue her. This is the kind of man I want.

Hi SEMO!

I have been hearing this more and more (what your brother is saying). I'm totally going to follow that...

Also, regarding an earlier post, I'm glad that you received that prophecy that you were to be married! I think a lot of us reach a point of "numbness" in which we think that we're content in our singleness, but SOMETHING always happens to remind us that we're not (friend getting married/having a baby/just getting lonely/etc.)

I thought I was content earlier this year until a situation this summer told me I was NOT and never would be! Now that I've embraced that and realized there was nothing wrong with me for feeling that way, I'm doing a lot better... which inspired me to start this thread!

 

[SEMO]

Thanks for the welcome. I am enjoying this dialogue. Yeah my brother had a lot of good things to say. He also said that if a man is serious about you he will be willing to make his intentions known.

I also talked to my sister-in-law to hear about how they got together from her perspective. She said to let a man show me who he is without puting all my expecations out on the table. She said to be patient while he shows me what kind of man he is, and that if he's serious he'll stay around long enough to let me see how he really is before I make up my mind about things.

As far as the prophecy, I really think that God told me specifically He wanted me to get married b/c otherwise I would get "locked" into believing I was supposed to be single and push away any potential husbands.

Hi SEMO!

I have been hearing this more and more (what your brother is saying). I'm totally going to follow that...

Also, regarding an earlier post, I'm glad that you received that prophecy that you were to be married! I think a lot of us reach a point of "numbness" in which we think that we're content in our singleness, but SOMETHING always happens to remind us that we're not (friend getting married/having a baby/just getting lonely/etc.)

I thought I was content earlier this year until a situation this summer told me I was NOT and never would be! Now that I've embraced that and realized there was nothing wrong with me for feeling that way, I'm doing a lot better... which inspired me to start this thread!

 

[Browndilocks]

Now that the Soulmates topic has resurfaced on the board again, I'm going to go home tonight and watch that movie again. Going to see if I can view it with a different perspective now.

 

[Bunny77]

Now that the Soulmates topic has resurfaced on the board again, I'm going to go home tonight and watch that movie again. Going to see if I can view it with a different perspective now.

I never saw it... was scared it would make me depressed. I'd be interested in hearing your perspective!

And I'll PM you back...

 

[Browndilocks]

I'll burn you a copy but it'll take me a few weeks because... you know.

 

[Bunny77]

Take ALLLLLL the time you need!

 

[motherx2esq]

^^^Janie, you said it all!

Hey everyone!

So much good conversation going on... sorry I haven't been back in a few days -- everyone at my job decided to act absolutely bananas over the last five days and I've been overworked! They have all lost their minds!

Anyway, I think there's a way to date purposefully without seeming "desperate." I practiced it this weekend when I went out with a guy who expressed some interest, but I kinda knew I wasn't interested in him.

He asked me during our dinner what my future goals were. Now, in the past, I would just say, "I'd like to be working at XYZ Corporation as a managing XYZ in the city of ABC," and leave it at that... thinking that if I brought up marriage and family, I'd be scaring a man away.

This time, I said all of the above and added, "And then personally, I would like to be married and have children."

I didn't say when I planned for this to happen, but I also didn't say, "Oh it would be nice to be married...," (like I used to do). I made it clear that was part of my plan, but not in a way to make it seem like I was "auditioning" him to be Mr. Bunny77.

His answer was simply, "Okay, that's cool."

Now, I'm not interested in him that way, but if I was, it would be interesting to see how he responded after that in terms of our continued dating. If he backs off or just talks about "friendship," then I know not to waste my time dating him. If he seems to be moving forward, then he might be worth the time because he knows how I feel and he might appear to feel the same way.

Most men I know do seem to ask or try to find out ways to see where your mind is about the future and they do it pretty early in the process. So there are ways to definitely find out what you need to know about a man... and if he's not down, then move on quickly and don't waste time trying to hope he'll change his mind!

Woman you speak to my soul. This is so me!

 

[janiebaby]

This is a good thread...

 

[Southernbella.]

That would be contingent on one's definition of date....

Date/dating is a very weird, in limbo type situation, esp. for the Christian single.... Dating leaves too much room for ambiguity....

I'm all for PURPOSEFUL DATING (I just made that term up so its definition has not been explored yet).... What I'm saying is this: exactly how many dates do the dude and I have to go on to know if we're in the same ballpark? 3? 12? 20? Nope.... That's too much time and attention going to something that has not been purposeful....

Maybe if a person is younger and not marriage minded, that's one thing, and even then, that's dangerous to date A LOT of people because when your feelings get involved and if it would end, from what I have been told, the break-up is similar to those of a divorce (but of course, not on the same level)....

I'm not saying that every man or every date has to lead to marriage. What I am saying is that it helps to be purposeful....

This thread is so awesome! I hope yall don't mind me posting in here. I just wanted to say ITA with this post.

 

[Southernbella.]

I meant purposeful dating in terms of not getting the dates, but as two people, God-fearing Christians become acquainted with one another over a period of time: hours, days, weeks, months, etc.

Are they just "hanging out" or are they purposeful (and UP FRONT) about their reasons and objectives for "dating"? So at some (relatively) early point in interacting, do they determine if their "dating" goals are compatible?

And my goodness, I know this isn't easy. When women are up front like this, they can come off as desperate. And usually it's just the women who are up front like this.

The men seem to have the LUXURY of not defining their actions.... (uh oh,) I may have said to much.... the ONE dude from church who I could have been interested in did this very thing. It was classic passive-aggression....

Gah! I went through this. A male friend I had was so passive-aggressive, he brought a date to our group outing just to see if I would get jealous.

I never specifically told anyone I was looking to get married, but I made it very clear to my friends that I wasn't interested in dating unless it was to prepare for marriage. This got relayed to my husband by my best friend (someone mentioned agents? ITA with that!).

 

[Bunny77]

Time for a good ole bump!

 

[Sunshine_One]

WOW! This entire thread has been such a blessing to my SOUL!

PRAISE THE LORD!

I agree with SO much of what has been said. For years I thought it was just me I'm so glad to find out I am not the only one that has been going thru this process. A lot of these man-made doctrines have done such a disservice to Christian singles.

 

[motherx2esq]

WOW! This entire thread has been such a blessing to my SOUL!

PRAISE THE LORD!

I agree with SO much of what has been said. For years I thought it was just me I'm so glad to find out I am not the only one that has been going thru this process. A lot of these man-made doctrines have done such a disservice to Christian singles.

I felt the same way when I found this thread.

 

[PaperClip]

So I wanted to document this for myself and hopefully it will be a blessing to others....

So I went to church today after being away for 3 weeks.... After service I had the opportunity to speak with both my Bishop and Pastor (husband and wife team). I spoke to them separately and they both said the same thing in terms of me being found by my mate....

I actually went to talk to my Bishop about something else and we ended up talking about school and he then he said that his desire for me was for a mate (and I broke down y'all!) and I was saying to him that I went to a school conference where I believe the Lord used that occasion to remind me that HE (God) can (and has) created for me a man who I can be attracted to (mind, body, and spirit)....

And then shortly thereafter I was talking to my pastor (the bishop's wife) and I asked her some point-blank questions: I asked her that if she thought it was strange that there are SO MANY single, black, educated women around? And she said yes. And I asked her is that how it is supposed to be? And she said NO!! And she said that it is the MEN who are INTIMIDATED by these women (she was more likely talking about our church in particular, but as we can see from this thread, this phenomenon is more widespread than just my church). I told her that the women don't hear what she just said. She asked if I saw the Soulmate DVD and I said yes but I made sure I said that such things aren't talked about in-depth over the pulpit....I told her that the single (educated) women hear that they (we) are inadequate, ill-equipped, and domineering.

She said again that it's the men who are intimidated and who don't step to these women. That many of them want a "dumb" woman so they can feel superior, in control, etc. But there are men (regardless of their vocation, educated or otherwise) who can handle an educated woman. At our church in particular, our Bishop has stated a new men's Bible study and the men are coming out in droves. My pastor even said that I should come through when the girls' mentoring program is going on at the same time (Wink!).... She also said that it is good that I got to go to the school conference and that there is some good outcomes coming out of that encounter....

So I just wanted to share that.... It's a blessing to hear that my spiritual parents are desiring and praying and agreeing with me concerning my mate DIRECTLY....

 

[Bunny77]

^^^ I'm so happy for you RR! And I'm glad that your pastors are in agreement with you and will pray for your soul's desire!

 

[ALWAYZL8]

I think so. I can't speak for everyone but for me; if I'm interested in a guy, there's always a little period of "shyness" or reservation that goes into play before I actually feel comfortable enough to really seek other information. Honestly, I'd be embarassed to say to a guy that I just met "my reasons and objectives for dating are such and such" as soon as the waitress walks away with the menus on our first date. Ya know? I'd at least wait to see which direction the vibes between us go in order to know how to approach the subject. I think there's a period (a rather short period) where you have to feel a person out and actually spend time around them before a real conversation even takes place.

I have this same issue. In my last dating situation, after four face-to-face encounters, the topic never came up. I never had a chance to find out what he wanted and he never asked what I wanted. Apparently he knew I wasn't it because he didn't call back. I didn't feel quite comfortable bringing up this convo.

Also, what happens when a guy tells you on the second date that he is interested in getting to know you for marriage? I know it is late at night and I may seem a bit off, but I have been hoodwinked so many times that I can't tell the difference between the jokers and the real ones. I have just convinced myself that they are all running game. I'm working on that.

 

[Southernbella.]

I have this same issue. In my last dating situation, after four face-to-face encounters, the topic never came up. I never had a chance to find out what he wanted and he never asked what I wanted. Apparently he knew I wasn't it because he didn't call back. I didn't feel quite comfortable bringing up this convo.

Also, what happens when a guy tells you on the second date that he is interested in getting to know you for marriage? I know it is late at night and I may seem a bit off, but I have been hoodwinked so many times that I can't tell the difference between the jokers and the real ones. I have just convinced myself that they are all running game. I'm working on that.

Keep it platonic! If he really desires to get to know you, he will do it on your terms. He doesn't have to be alone with you to get to know you. Let him hang out with you and your friends. Go out in groups. Minimize the time you spend alone, especially at night, because this can lead to temptation.

My dh and I got to know each other in group settings first, then he asked if we could talk one-on-one over the phone, so we did that (I was adamant about not dating and being romantic).

If a man is truly serious, he will understand why you want to do things this way and won't make an issue of it. If he insists on being romantic and tries to pressure you to break your convictions, then that's a red flag.

This happened to me with a man I met right before my dh. He kept trying to pressure me to date. I thought he might be husband material at first, but after seeing how he didn't respect my wishes, I knew he wasn't the one.

 

[Bunny77]

^^^Lauren, thanks for your tips!

I think it's important for we single ladies to hear from the married ladies about the right way to approach dating/courtship if we are looking for husbands (not just dates).

 

[Southernbella.]

^^^Lauren, thanks for your tips!

I think it's important for we single ladies to hear from the married ladies about the right way to approach dating/courtship if we are looking for husbands (not just dates).

No problem! This is a subject I love because I went through a lot and have lots to share.I was pretty rigid back then because of my own experiences, so I didn't date AT ALL, but I don't think that's necessary for everyone. But dating with a purpose is always good.

 

[ALWAYZL8]

Lauren450,
Thanks for the advice. Something just doesn't feel right about my situation. I think I'll keep my distance.

 

[SEMO]

Thanks for your input. I just recently met a guy from a church I just joined who I think is husband material, and I'm trying not to rush things in my mind. I want to see how things play out for a minute. I don't want to get ahead of things and become disappointed if they don't play out how I thought they would.

Like Bunny said, it's nice to get a married woman's perspective on all this . I actually have a question too , how long did you know your dh before you knew he was "the one?"

Keep it platonic! If he really desires to get to know you, he will do it on your terms. He doesn't have to be alone with you to get to know you. Let him hang out with you and your friends. Go out in groups. Minimize the time you spend alone, especially at night, because this can lead to temptation.

My dh and I got to know each other in group settings first, then he asked if we could talk one-on-one over the phone, so we did that (I was adamant about not dating and being romantic).

If a man is truly serious, he will understand why you want to do things this way and won't make an issue of it. If he insists on being romantic and tries to pressure you to break your convictions, then that's a red flag.

This happened to me with a man I met right before my dh. He kept trying to pressure me to date. I thought he might be husband material at first, but after seeing how he didn't respect my wishes, I knew he wasn't the one.

 

[Southernbella.]

Thanks for your input. I just recently met a guy from a church I just joined who I think is husband material, and I'm trying not to rush things in my mind. I want to see how things play out for a minute. I don't want to get ahead of things and become disappointed if they don't play out how I thought they would.

Like Bunny said, it's nice to get a married woman's perspective on all this . I actually have a question too , how long did you know your dh before you knew he was "the one?"

I knew him for about 6 months before I knew he was the one. We had been hanging out in groups, and through interactions and conversations, I started to see that he was the type of man I'd want to be with. It wasn't immediate...I didn't think he was my type at first. One of his friends told me he was interested in me, and I said absolutely not.But God knew what He was doing.

Then, once we started talking to each other on the phone, I was positive he was the one. I waited for him to say something though. All in all, we were platonic for about a year, then he came out and told me he knew I was his wife, he had prayed about it, and he wanted to know if we could start on the road to marriage.

 

[MindTwister]

I knew him for about 6 months before I knew he was the one. We had been hanging out in groups, and through interactions and conversations, I started to see that he was the type of man I'd want to be with. It wasn't immediate...I didn't think he was my type at first. One of his friends told me he was interested in me, and I said absolutely not.But God knew what He was doing.

Then, once we started talking to each other on the phone, I was positive he was the one. I waited for him to say something though. All in all, we were platonic for about a year, then he came out and told me he knew I was his wife, he had prayed about it, and he wanted to know if we could start on the road to marriage.

And how long did it take from that to actually getting married? (hope i'm not too nosy either lool)