The Gift of Singleness

classimami713 said:
That is a shame. :nono: We have GOT to get as serious about our love lives as everything else! I have to admit that the interracial blogs have made me start to re-evaluate my stance on my options and definitely Calling in the One has been very helpful. I don't know if I'll get Maken's book, but I for sure am no longer going to feel guilty or bad for NOT wanting to be single. Every time I would feel really sad, I'd feel guilty for feeling that way and then try to "man up." God appreciates our realness, and I've been getting really "real" with God. :yep:
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:clap: :clap:

Good for you! :) I've been VERY real with God over these past two months... and I'm not going back! :)
 
I received a telephone call tonight that has contributed to giving me perspective about this singleness thing.... It's just one seed so I'm still processing it but basically, God put me on somebody's heart with regard to the angst I have been going through on this topic....

I must admit that what has been impressed upon my heart (that I was trying to ignore) is to GET IN GOD'S FACE.... even like Debbie Maken's website says: praying boldly...not for the marriage, but to get in the presence of God....

I don't apologize for expressing my frustration here...but I thank God that the story doesn't end at my frustration....

As I'm writing this, I'm watching TBN online listening to CeeCee Michaela ministering... She's talking to us, y'all.... (her segment starts about 24 minutes into the program....

http://www.tbn.org/index.php/2/37.html
Tuesday Oct 30, 2007
Bishop John Francis hosts CeeCee Michaela, Pastor Maria Gardner, Dottie Rambo, Evangelist Susie C. Owens and Kim Burrell in Atlanta, GA.
 
RelaxerRehab said:
I received a telephone call tonight that has contributed to giving me perspective about this singleness thing.... It's just one seed so I'm still processing it but basically, God put me on somebody's heart with regard to the angst I have been going through on this topic....

I must admit that what has been impressed upon my heart (that I was trying to ignore) is to GET IN GOD'S FACE.... even like Debbie Maken's website says: praying boldly...not for the marriage, but to get in the presence of God....

I don't apologize for expressing my frustration here...but I thank God that the story doesn't end at my frustration....

As I'm writing this, I'm watching TBN online listening to CeeCee Michaela ministering... She's talking to us, y'all.... (her segment starts about 24 minutes into the program....

http://www.tbn.org/index.php/2/37.html
Tuesday Oct 30, 2007
Bishop John Francis hosts CeeCee Michaela, Pastor Maria Gardner, Dottie Rambo, Evangelist Susie C. Owens and Kim Burrell in Atlanta, GA.
Click to expand...

Thanks for that clip. She was really speaking to me.
 
Bunny77 said:
Yeah, I can see both sides of that... and you're right, getting the wrong introductions can be a problem.

I think Maken's idea of agency is using someone like a father, father figure, pastor or older person in general who is looking out for your best interests and can determine if a man is a good choice for you.

Although folks know that I'm looking, I haven't told everybody. My parents and that one guy at my job are working as my agents at the moment. I might ask a good friend of mine who is married... she and her husband are active in the church and I trust her judgment.

I know this is all easier said than done, of course, but I think the point is to pick people who will only introduce you to quality folks and not just someone who doesn't want to go to a party alone! :)

Hope that helps!
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It does help tremendously. I need to develop relationships with people who will have my best interests at heart quick!
 
The thing is - I'm in a situation RIGHT NOW that I would have never thought I'd be in just a week ago. I'm sitting here wishing I had that book already to reference this thing...
 
This is an absolutely great thread!!! I have been growing through this mental "shift" regarding singleness as well. After I graduated from college, I decided to not date for a year and just to focus on my relationship with God....during those two years (it ended up being two instead of one)...I read every singleness book under the sun. I think that what was supposed to be a break to focus on my relationship with God turned into a break to "prepare" myself to be married which was not the original intent at all.

However, I finally realized that all those ideas and legalistic concepts were hampering me rather than helping me. I was overcome with tears during lunch with a friend of mine recently because I felt like I would never be "ready" or "spiritual" enough for God to send my husband and because I was "messing" up and had not "arrived" it wouldnt happen for me. Which is when I realized that these books have a very "works" driven concept of God "sending" a husband...which is inconsistent with God giving us all things including salvation not based on our works but His grace.

So yea....Im sifting through all the singleness rhetoric and trying to keep what has merit and throwing the rest to the wind. I am sooo loving this thread. My pastor actually has the "encourage people to date" mentality and for all this time, I thought he was kinda wrong :look:
but now Im seeing the wisdom in it...he takes the position that two adult people should spend as much time as they can stand without falling into sin....how else would anybody get into a position of marriage? Im starting to have this attitude more now too.... not just dating frivolously...but when someone has an interest to actually explore it versus being so legalistic and courtshippy....like point a do this...point b go there...or no you dont meet criteria 100.9.a of rule 63 :nono:

So anyways...this thread is a blessing and I will definitely stay tuned....Im off to go read the first chapter.
 
Kinda related:

I'm watching Oprah and Dr. Oz is on and the theme of the show is on staying young and this particular part that inspired me to post here has to do with how Dr. Oz said that sex can increase your longevity. He said specifically monogamous sex with a person you love (he referred to "semen" which indicates male/female sexual relations, to me)....

So again, keeping in line with the biblical principles of the sexual aspect of marriage and the physical benefits of marriage, WHY would the Lord cause us to have such desires and not a way to fulfill them and also DENY us of this benefit? Again, I'm not saying sex is the be all to end all, but the marriage bed is undefiled.... sex is good....
 
Brownsugarflyygirl, welcome!

I found this post on the Gift of Singleness blog today... I think it speaks directly to what you're talking about!

I love this person's British style of humor... dry wit, lots of sarcasm, but it speaks volumes!

Thursday, November 01, 2007
Minutely examining the vacuum cleaner to solve the problem of why the washing machine won't work?

Captain Sensible writes: That's the way I see the majority of advice given to single Christian women regarding singleness and marriage.

But no matter how much you examine the vacuum cleaner, take it apart, try to remove every speck of dust from the machinery until it is fully "prepared" to work, it will not do anything to solve the problem of why the washing machine still isn't going!

Christian women are being encouraged to minutely examine every detail of their hearts: Is there a speck of discontentment there? Have they inadvertently slipped over the invisible line of desiring married a fraction too much, thereby "making an idol" out of marriage? (Remember, the "gift of singleness" and the "gift of marriage" are both equal, and you should actually be equally content with both. Incidentally, I have always wondered why weddings don't have a section in the service for mourning the loss of the "gift of singleness"? Better still, have no marriage celebration at all. After all, the two equal gifts cancel each other out, so why the need for any celebration of thanksgiving at all? Surely it is a time of equal joy and sorrow?) Or have they made the very serious new error that has recently come to light of saying they want to "get married" instead of the preferred new terminology of "be a wife", which clearly reveals how very evil to the core their heart is!

Finally, when the vacuum cleaner is spotless (which is impossible anyway, because no vacuum cleaner can ever be perfectly clean. There's always going to be a speck of dust somewhere that some well-meaning idiot can point to as to the reason why the washing machine isn't working!), the only advice given is to trust in God about the washing machine and wait on the Lord for Him to fix it!
 
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RelaxerRehab said:
So again, keeping in line with the biblical principles of the sexual aspect of marriage and the physical benefits of marriage, WHY would the Lord cause us to have such desires and not a way to fulfill them and also DENY us of this benefit? Again, I'm not saying sex is the be all to end all, but the marriage bed is undefiled.... sex is good....
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Great points!!!!! God doesn't want us to suffer like that! ;)
 
You ladies have been giving some great input. I've got more to say I just don't have time to write it right now. I'll be back!
 
I'm so glad you started this thread Bunny! This is a timely message for me too. I was one of the people who was taught about the "gift of singleness" and right after I heard it I told God "I hope that's not your gift for me." Soon though I started to think that maybe I did have the gift and it would just be me and Jesus for the rest of my life :sad:. The funny thing is a day or two after I accepted my gift and was content my pastor (without knowing what I had decided) prophesied that I was getting married.

I was happy to hear that. But the next problem I fell into was feeling like I had to go through this long preparation process. I did have some things God needed to work on in me and He's been doing that these last few years. But eventually I started to worry about when I would reach that stage where I was perfectly ready for marriage. I started to worry that I might meet the man I was supposed to marry but that I wouldn't be finished getting ready so I'd miss him.

I am ready to get married and through this disscussion and the articles I've read in the links I'm not ashamed to admit this. Thanks ladies for posting all the links. I'm off to read that chapter of Debbie's book that was posted. But I'll be keeping up with this thread :yep:.
 
SEMO said:
But the next problem I fell into was feeling like I had to go through this long preparation process. I did have some things God needed to work on in me and He's been doing that these last few years. But eventually I started to worry about when I would reach that stage where I was perfectly ready for marriage. I started to worry that I might meet the man I was supposed to marry but that I wouldn't be finished getting ready so I'd miss him.
Click to expand...

What's fascinating to me is how quickly things can be turned around. God can put [you] in a situation with the sole purpose of just reminding you that there's no need to play a waiting game, or waste time trying to figure out how to play it. Even if certain datinig situations that you may encounter do not come to full fruition, I know for a FACT that God can move faster than anybody's logical timeline. I think it benefits us to just walk in confidence and be ourselves.
 
brownsugarflyygirl said:
This is an absolutely great thread!!! I have been growing through this mental "shift" regarding singleness as well. After I graduated from college, I decided to not date for a year and just to focus on my relationship with God....during those two years (it ended up being two instead of one)...I read every singleness book under the sun. I think that what was supposed to be a break to focus on my relationship with God turned into a break to "prepare" myself to be married which was not the original intent at all.

However, I finally realized that all those ideas and legalistic concepts were hampering me rather than helping me. I was overcome with tears during lunch with a friend of mine recently because I felt like I would never be "ready" or "spiritual" enough for God to send my husband and because I was "messing" up and had not "arrived" it wouldnt happen for me. Which is when I realized that these books have a very "works" driven concept of God "sending" a husband...which is inconsistent with God giving us all things including salvation not based on our works but His grace.

So yea....Im sifting through all the singleness rhetoric and trying to keep what has merit and throwing the rest to the wind. I am sooo loving this thread. My pastor actually has the "encourage people to date" mentality and for all this time, I thought he was kinda wrong :look:
but now Im seeing the wisdom in it...he takes the position that two adult people should spend as much time as they can stand without falling into sin....how else would anybody get into a position of marriage? Im starting to have this attitude more now too.... not just dating frivolously...but when someone has an interest to actually explore it versus being so legalistic and courtshippy....like point a do this...point b go there...or no you dont meet criteria 100.9.a of rule 63 :nono:

So anyways...this thread is a blessing and I will definitely stay tuned....Im off to go read the first chapter.
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\

I agree with this. I think two people should date to find out if they are compatible and marriage partners. I mean why would I want to start a family and generations ahead of me with a person I have only known for a few months. :nono:
 
nvybeauty said:
\

I agree with this. I think two people should date to find out if they are compatible and marriage partners. I mean why would I want to start a family and generations ahead of me with a person I have only known for a few months. :nono:
Click to expand...

That would be contingent on one's definition of date....

Date/dating is a very weird, in limbo type situation, esp. for the Christian single.... Dating leaves too much room for ambiguity....

I'm all for PURPOSEFUL DATING (I just made that term up so its definition has not been explored yet).... What I'm saying is this: exactly how many dates do the dude and I have to go on to know if we're in the same ballpark? 3? 12? 20? :nono:Nope.... That's too much time and attention going to something that has not been purposeful....

Maybe if a person is younger and not marriage minded, that's one thing, and even then, that's dangerous to date A LOT of people because when your feelings get involved and if it would end, from what I have been told, the break-up is similar to those of a divorce (but of course, not on the same level)....

I'm not saying that every man or every date has to lead to marriage. What I am saying is that it helps to be purposeful....
 
Even when one is so called purposeful, nothing happens without God's doing. I have a friend who has been into purposeful dating for well over two years. She analyzes everything. The best way to meet men. The best people to introduce her to good men. The best way to communicate with men. The best way to approach dating, etc. Her dating style is not lax in any shape or form. Yet, no boyfriend or husband to talk about to date. All the while other women are meeting men on the street, dating, and moving forward with wedding dates, etc. Not to say those types of encounters will ultimately last forever but at least they are moving forward to that undefiled marriage bed, having a family, etc. She remains single and worried about her ability to conceive in her mid-thirties.

She is doing EVERYTHING she can to *purposefully* date. Yet nothing. Dating cannot be contained (for lack of a better word) no matter the approach or the definition.




RelaxerRehab said:
That would be contingent on one's definition of date....

Date/dating is a very weird, in limbo type situation, esp. for the Christian single.... Dating leaves too much room for ambiguity....

I'm all for PURPOSEFUL DATING (I just made that term up so its definition has not been explored yet).... What I'm saying is this: exactly how many dates do the dude and I have to go on to know if we're in the same ballpark? 3? 12? 20? :nono:Nope.... That's too much time and attention going to something that has not been purposeful....

Maybe if a person is younger and not marriage minded, that's one thing, and even then, that's dangerous to date A LOT of people because when your feelings get involved and if it would end, from what I have been told, the break-up is similar to those of a divorce (but of course, not on the same level)....

I'm not saying that every man or every date has to lead to marriage. What I am saying is that it helps to be purposeful....
Click to expand...
 
RelaxerRehab said:
That would be contingent on one's definition of date....

Date/dating is a very weird, in limbo type situation, esp. for the Christian single.... Dating leaves too much room for ambiguity....

I'm all for PURPOSEFUL DATING (I just made that term up so its definition has not been explored yet).... What I'm saying is this: exactly how many dates do the dude and I have to go on to know if we're in the same ballpark? 3? 12? 20? :nono:Nope.... That's too much time and attention going to something that has not been purposeful....

Maybe if a person is younger and not marriage minded, that's one thing, and even then, that's dangerous to date A LOT of people because when your feelings get involved and if it would end, from what I have been told, the break-up is similar to those of a divorce (but of course, not on the same level)....

I'm not saying that every man or every date has to lead to marriage. What I am saying is that it helps to be purposeful....
Click to expand...

I halfway agree with what you're saying RR :yep:. I do believe that when we're really honest with ourselves, we know when we reach the threshold of catching feelings, or at least when we're on the verge of approaching it.

But if you don't date and allow yourself some increment of time to collect data then how are you supposed to know if you're in the same ballpark?
 
nvybeauty said:
Even when one is so called purposeful, nothing happens without God's doing. I have a friend who has been into purposeful dating for well over two years. She analyzes everything. The best way to meet men. The best people to introduce her to good men. The best way to communicate with men. The best way to approach dating, etc. Her dating style is not lax in any shape or form. Yet, no boyfriend or husband to talk about to date. All the while other women are meeting men on the street, dating, and moving forward with wedding dates, etc. Not to say those types of encounters will ultimately last forever but at least they are moving forward to that undefiled marriage bed, having a family, etc. She remains single and worried about her ability to conceive in her mid-thirties.

She is doing EVERYTHING she can to *purposefully* date. Yet nothing. Dating cannot be contained (for lack of a better word) no matter the approach or the definition.
Click to expand...


Maybe she needs to stop thinking so hard. :brainy:
 
I meant purposeful dating in terms of not getting the dates, but as two people, God-fearing Christians become acquainted with one another over a period of time: hours, days, weeks, months, etc.

Are they just "hanging out" or are they purposeful (and UP FRONT) about their reasons and objectives for "dating"? So at some (relatively) early point in interacting, do they determine if their "dating" goals are compatible?

And my goodness, I know this isn't easy. When women are up front like this, they can come off as desperate. And usually it's just the women who are up front like this.

The men seem to have the LUXURY of not defining their actions.... (uh oh,:blush:) I may have said to much.... the ONE dude from church who I could have been interested in did this very thing. It was classic passive-aggression....
 
RelaxerRehab said:
I meant purposeful dating in terms of not getting the dates, but as two people, God-fearing Christians become acquainted with one another over a period of time: hours, days, weeks, months, etc.

Are they just "hanging out" or are they purposeful (and UP FRONT) about their reasons and objectives for "dating"? So at some (relatively) early point in interacting, do they determine if their "dating" goals are compatible?

And my goodness, I know this isn't easy. When women are up front like this, they can come off as desperate. And usually it's just the women who are up front like this.

The men seem to have the LUXURY of not defining their actions.... (uh oh,:blush:) I may have said to much.... the ONE dude from church who I could have been interested in did this very thing. It was classic passive-aggression....
Click to expand...


That "luxury" is usually one or more of the following: time on their side, females at their beck and call, and numbers in their favor (more good available men than women), etc.

Unfortunately.
 
Browndilocks said:
I halfway agree with what you're saying RR :yep:. I do believe that when we're really honest with ourselves, we know when we reach the threshold of catching feelings, or at least when we're on the verge of approaching it.

But if you don't date and allow yourself some increment of time to collect data then how are you supposed to know if you're in the same ballpark?
Click to expand...

Yes, of course people have to get together to get to know one another! Absolutely! But here's the thing: the church has adopted the world's definition of this process called "dating". Show me ONE EXAMPLE from the Bible that would REMOTELY be considered dating. I'll throw one out there:

Esther and the king.... Let's explore this:

According to some estimates, in his search for a virgin bride, the King of Persia(?) had up to FOUR THOUSAND virgins to consider. Each girl had ONE NIGHT (can we call that ONE DATE?).... And after that ONE DATE, it was either :down: or :up:, yes?

And sure, if you're checking out FOUR THOUSAND women, you can't take that much time, but the point is that the king was purposeful. It was VERY CLEAR what the king was looking for...and the women had time and opportunity to prepare themselves. Maybe he picked a woman before Esther, but for whatever reason, maybe that woman chose to walk away and also because Esther was the LORD'S CHOICE?....

I think what I'm saying is that it doesn't take that long to know if you "click" with a person enough to see if there's more to explore between one another... and as both persons agree on that, that's a good sign that you're in the same ballpark, yes?:grin:

For fun, maybe some of us (maybe for another thread) can toss out some timelines to get a sense of how long it takes to know if there's potentiality to pursue something further: a month? 2 months? 3 months? 6 months? a year?
 
RelaxerRehab said:
Are they just "hanging out" or are they purposeful (and UP FRONT) about their reasons and objectives for "dating"? So at some (relatively) early point in interacting, do they determine if their "dating" goals are compatible?
Click to expand...

I think so. I can't speak for everyone but for me; if I'm interested in a guy, there's always a little period of "shyness" or reservation that goes into play before I actually feel comfortable enough to really seek other information. Honestly, I'd be embarassed to say to a guy that I just met "my reasons and objectives for dating are such and such" as soon as the waitress walks away with the menus on our first date. Ya know? I'd at least wait to see which direction the vibes between us go in order to know how to approach the subject. I think there's a period (a rather short period) where you have to feel a person out and actually spend time around them before a real conversation even takes place.
 
RelaxerRehab said:
Yes, of course people have to get together to get to know one another! Absolutely! But here's the thing: the church has adopted the world's definition of this process called "dating". Show me ONE EXAMPLE from the Bible that would REMOTELY be considered dating. I'll throw one out there:

Esther and the king.... Let's explore this:

According to some estimates, in his search for a virgin bride, the King of Persia(?) had up to FOUR THOUSAND virgins to consider. Each girl had ONE NIGHT (can we call that ONE DATE?).... And after that ONE DATE, it was either :down: or :up:, yes?

And sure, if you're checking out FOUR THOUSAND women, you can't take that much time, but the point is that the king was purposeful. It was VERY CLEAR what the king was looking for...and the women had time and opportunity to prepare themselves. Maybe he picked a woman before Esther, but for whatever reason, maybe that woman chose to walk away and also because Esther was the LORD'S CHOICE?....

I think what I'm saying is that it doesn't take that long to know if you "click" with a person enough to see if there's more to explore between one another... and as both persons agree on that, that's a good sign that you're in the same ballpark, yes?:grin:

For fun, maybe some of us (maybe for another thread) can toss out some timelines to get a sense of how long it takes to know if there's potentiality to pursue something further: a month? 2 months? 3 months? 6 months? a year?
Click to expand...

U R a smart lady. :D
 
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