Saved men, but nothing else going on!!!

[MissLawyerLady]

This is a vent...

Now that I'm almost divorced, I've noticed that a lot of the single men my age (late 30's to 40's) in church are smiling all up in my face. Well, they are saved men, but that's about it. They don't have educations, they don't have lucrative jobs/careers, they don't own homes, many have criminal records, a ton of children (some of the older kids are felons), multiple baby mamas, bad health, bad physiques, and are not well groomed!

WHHHHY!

I understand that "a man who finds a wife finds a good thing" so I guess I need to sit back and be found, but good lawd...what I see makes me want to run!!!

I desperately do not want to be unevenly yoked again, but I meet a lot of men who are professionals, own homes, well-groomed, no kids, no criminal past, great bodies/health, except they aren't saved. They're not BAD men, but Christ is not the center of their lives. I give God the glory that I'm very educated, a professional, I own my home, I dress well, I'm physically fit, I don't have a criminal past, I have no kids and no drama. And even though a man is saved, I just can't see myself with someone who doesn't have the life experiences and aspirations that I have. I can tell you all that honestly, I have an attitude that these men even think they can look at me! Get a grip, us both being saved is not an equalizer as far as being potential mates!!!

Why is it that the scrubs are saved and the desirables are unsaved?!!!

Everytime I go to church and one of those saved men with nothing going for themselves, smiles at me I get very depressed. I feel like I rolled my eyes all through church today at the scrubs who were looking.

Is anybody else noticing this or is it just me?

 

[HeChangedMyName]

good question. I see a lot of single Christian men doing big things but I see that they are so much more about handling God's business rather than even finding a women so. . .If a man finds you . . . .you can always upgrade him((cough. . .I mean compliment him))

 

[Raspberry]

I guess it depends on what type of church you go to and the area it's located in. To be honest I meet a lot more eligible men at multicultural churches than at traditionally black churches. But just because a man is saved doesn't mean he's the one for you, regardless of career, number of children, etc. I have met alot of nice, balanced Christian men at my church lately but I'm still trying to stay in tune with the Spirit as far as who I should be pursuing anything with.

I don't think you should hold these mens' lives against them though as far as being friendly to them. It's a compliment when anyone finds you attractive and greets you, and it's Christlike to be courteous and encourage people in the Lord. Someone looking and smiling at you is not grounds for an eyeroll IMO.

You should definitely pray on this, God will send you someone at an appointed place and time and it will have nothing to do with who you see around you. Often it's our perceptions that determine whether things are difficult to handle or not. And this may indeed be a trial for you, but please remember that it was the Israelite attitude in the wilderness (one of ingratitude and a sense of entitlement) that determined their outcome. You may be able to learn something about yourself or from these men in your current situation.. Ask God to align your thoughts and attitudes with His and you can have joy even if the men around you are scrubs (lol).. your destiny will occur in due time if you're there to receive it.

Also, one practical thing you can do is pursue productive interests outside of the church, you never know where you will meet other believers while volunteering, taking a class, etc.

 

[MissLawyerLady]

I guess it depends on what type of church you go to and the area it's located in. To be honest I meet a lot more eligible men at multicultural churches than at traditionally black churches. But just because a man is saved doesn't mean he's the one for you, regardless of career, number of children, etc. I have met alot of nice, balanced Christian men at my church lately but I'm still trying to stay in tune with the Spirit as far as who I should be pursuing anything with.

I don't think you should hold these mens' lives against them though as far as being friendly to them. It's a compliment when anyone finds you attractive and greets you, and it's Christlike to be courteous and encourage people in the Lord. Someone looking and smiling at you is not grounds for an eyeroll IMO.

You should definitely pray on this, God will send you someone at an appointed place and time and it will have nothing to do with who you see around you. Often it's our perceptions that determine whether things are difficult to handle or not. And this may indeed be a trial for you, but please remember that it was the Israelite attitude in the wilderness (one of ingratitude and a sense of entitlement) that determined their outcome. You may be able to learn something about yourself or from these men in your current situation.. Ask God to align your thoughts and attitudes with His and you can have joy even if the men around you are scrubs (lol).. your destiny will occur in due time if you're there to receive it.

Also, one practical thing you can do is pursue productive interests outside of the church, you never know where you will meet other believers while volunteering, taking a class, etc.

I know that I shouldn't have an attitude and that it's really not proper to roll my eyes, so I will really endeavor to work on that. But I'm so cautious because I've seen brothas misinterpret it when you return a smile. One man at my church told this lady at the church the date that the Lord told him he was going to marry her. They did get married, but I think other folks may have gotten ideas after he did that.

And I'm sorry y'all but some man call me out like that, especially one that I have no dealings with,...well, let's just say he better hope I'm prayed up!

 

[Raspberry]

And I'm sorry y'all but some man call me out like that, especially one that I have no dealings with,...well, let's just say he better hope I'm prayed up!

I wouldn't even know what to say if someone told me that, probably just a "Imma need to pray on that" and then make sure to run to my car right after church is over...

 

[Renewed1]

I agree, there are more men that meet your criteria at multicultural churches. I attend a black church for years and the men there weren't worth anything. When I started to attended a multicultural church, I saw a better quality of men.

Therefore, it really depends on the location of your church.

 

[trenise]

I've seen this happen so many times. I'm married now, but in black churches I've attended, sometimes people even talk against education. They criticize people who are educated. Years and years ago, when I was a freshman in college, I attempted to date what I thought was a saved man because that's what I wanted. At 18, all I was focused on was him having the Holy Ghost. He was a lot older than I was, very inarticulate, and drove the hooptiest of hoopties. I cringe when people use bad grammer IRL, but he did. I tried to look over it just so I could have a man and he was supposedly saved. Once I said something to him about my future ambitions and he used scripture on me to put my goals down. He said "seek first the kingdom of heaven", etc.... That was a mess. For some reason the black men at interracial churches were more educated, more ambitious, and less likely to have OOW children. That's just what I have seen.

 

[Duchesse]

That is too funny JD2'd. I agree with another poster,maybe you should try volunteering or taking a class. IMO just because a man is saved does not make desirable if he doesn't have the earthly qualities I'm looking for as well.

I'm happy at the church I just joined, higher education, home ownership, and financial responsibility are greatly stressed. The menfolk there seem to be of a decent crop...I know I shouldn't be checking out guys at church, lol...

 

[PaperClip]

JUUSST had this conversation over the weekend....

Various stories from women at various churches have taken different routes to deal with the situation. The common approach has been to date men outside of the church/salvation.

One lady from my church has a master's degree. She married a man who has his high school diploma. I asked her about the educational differences. She said (crude paraphrase on my part) that she cannot tell the difference/the difference doesn't mean much to her and that her husband has other things that she prioritizes over the educational attainment, e.g., provider, takes care of household, etc.

Me: It took me a LONG TIME to finally be able to recognize and articulate that my church (where I've been for 20 years) does not fully celebrate educational attainment. The pastor (an anointed man of God) is a self-made man, if you will. I've been in college for more than half of the years I've been in this church. The further along I go in school, the less connected I feel. I feel like I don't fit in...like I no longer belong because my interests aren't shared with many others.

In recent years, I've been fighting the urge to leave this church and find another church to attend. I've wondered if I've overstayed my time at this church, due to familiarity, spiritual soul-ties, or if it simply the Lord's way of letting me know it's not time for me to leave just yet.

I should state for the record that regarding spiritual matters, e.g., foundational/fundamental principles about who the Lord Jesus Christ is: my church has done that effectively. What I have learned about the Lord and how REAL, CLOSE, and PERSONAL He is to my life is undeniable, and that's because of my church. It's the social, political, educational, churchy-type issues where I feel like a major misfit.

Just this morning I researched four other churches (all multicultural) that I may want to join in the future or that I may visit on occasion to get the more intellectual approach to ministry/bible study/fellowship with like-minded (more formally educated) believers...in part to expand my social horizon (to meet people (men) and build new social relationships, etc.)

 

[MissLawyerLady]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. More than an issue with my church, I think its an issue of the city that I live in. Most of the "eligible" black men in my city are already married; they get snapped up quick around here.

My church is probably the most progressive predominantly black church in my city. We have several white members/families. My pastor is very educated (PhD) and his wife is too. Most of the ministerial staff and leadership positions are held by folks with education and I must say, most importantly, that the Spirit moves in that place! They have the ability to minister to people on every level...y'all know when the Spirit is operating that happens.

However, the educated men usually come to my city and church married and the single ones come for work and are usually out of here in 2 to 3 years.

Well, it's good to know that not every church has an "eligible" man drought.

 

[Irresistible]

I know what your seeing on the outside

but maybe you should pray about whats in the inside of these men, because God can LIFT THEM MIGHTY HIGH AND bless them however he chooses, whenever he wants

dont miss out on a blessing by judging where a person is or their present state, let God speak to your heart about them, because he KNOWS just how he is going to bless that person

roles can reverse in a twinkling of an eye, and you would want to be loved unconditionally, if you took a fall, and were just getting back up, you cant get unconditional love until you sow it, that does not mean consider any man your mate, it means dont end up ruling out the one God might have for you by only being lead by appearances and not by his spirit

 

[momi]

I guess it depends on what type of church you go to and the area it's located in. To be honest I meet a lot more eligible men at multicultural churches than at traditionally black churches. But just because a man is saved doesn't mean he's the one for you, regardless of career, number of children, etc. I have met alot of nice, balanced Christian men at my church lately but I'm still trying to stay in tune with the Spirit as far as who I should be pursuing anything with.

I don't think you should hold these mens' lives against them though as far as being friendly to them. It's a compliment when anyone finds you attractive and greets you, and it's Christlike to be courteous and encourage people in the Lord. Someone looking and smiling at you is not grounds for an eyeroll IMO.

You should definitely pray on this, God will send you someone at an appointed place and time and it will have nothing to do with who you see around you. Often it's our perceptions that determine whether things are difficult to handle or not. And this may indeed be a trial for you, but please remember that it was the Israelite attitude in the wilderness (one of ingratitude and a sense of entitlement) that determined their outcome. You may be able to learn something about yourself or from these men in your current situation.. Ask God to align your thoughts and attitudes with His and you can have joy even if the men around you are scrubs (lol).. your destiny will occur in due time if you're there to receive it.

Also, one practical thing you can do is pursue productive interests outside of the church, you never know where you will meet other believers while volunteering, taking a class, etc.

ITA... Do the majority of the members have these same "characteristics"? Or are the single men an exception?

 

[MissLawyerLady]

ITA... Do the majority of the members have these same "characteristics"? Or are the single men an exception?

It's predominantly the single men that have the "characterstics". Most (not all) of the single women in the church are educated or in school, have careers/good jobs, don't have kids, and seem to have goals.

However, I think I may just need to fall back. I think because everything I'm seeing around me is not what I'm looking/hoping for, I started getting a little nervous. But just because a person may be interested in me, it doesn't mean that I have to reciprocate. I sure hope I don't get called out though like that one lady at church...

 

[melodies815]

I just wanted to add that God can do sooo much more than what we can see or perceive. I'm not trying to say that your church is or is not where you should be...just that trusting the Lord should come first.

The church I attended when I was 19-27 was a traditional, southern, black church where higher education was not seriously stressed. Having the Holy Spirit, living holy, praying and fasting...this is what we focused on most. I was college educated and teaching, so it was difficult at times to not hear anything intellectually stimulating and to not be attracted to ANY of the brothers; however, I grew in my walk with Christ.

Years later, I married one of the men from the church - after having moved away from that city!!! He is still not college educated, but he is gentle, kind, loves the sames kinds of things that I do, exciting to hang around, fun, handsome, walks with Christ, takes care of our home, and is actually the most intelligent man I have ever met in my life. He hid his intelligence due to a lack of trust of most people and only showed that side to people who earned his trust. It took me years to learn that - even though we were good friends in the ministry. Even uneducated, my hubby does not drive a hooptie today...but he did years ago when we met because he was repairing his credit at the time. He is career military and I am not ashamed of his accompishments in life though there are some who would have never married my sweetiepie. I am so happy that the Lord softened my heart.

The Bible says that we are not to be unequally yoked for a reason. I would advise against marrying a man who is NOT saved because you just have completely different life motivations. It's not a good place to be. My step brother (unsaved) is making life miserable for his saved wife and their four year old marriage in dissolving as I type these words.

I guess what I am saying is that wherever you are, God knows it and He is orchestrating everything concerning your life. There is something major to be learned...and you may end up surprised to find that one of the men you counted out is actually your precious diamond in the rough.

I pray you find what the Lord is leading you to...

Love in Christ,
Christi

 

[TrustMeLove]

I've seen this too in the order men in the church. However, the men around my age in the church are usually educated. Well, the church I attend and our sister churches. Usually, if they aren't getting and education or have a degree ....they aren't in the church. Now these are the churches I ATTEND. However, most of them aren't on my level...they still dip and dap with the sex. So we can't hang.

Now, I am in my 20's. But, I do see a lot of what you women describe in the church too.

I never thought about joining another church though, because I didn't come to church to find a mate, nor to feel connected with things of the world. I came to church to fellowship with Christians. Praise and worship God in a communial fashion and allow God to speak to us.

I have am many interest not directly related to my spiritual growth...social, political, scientific....but I don't go to church looking for folks fill that part of me...I just meet folks in other circles (online, volunteering events etc) that get this stuff and connect with them on that level. More often than not I find a Christian(s) at these events.

I will live if those things aren't met, but I will die if I don't have a place to go where the Spirit is working in a might way.

It all works out in the end.