ASAP i really need your help/opinions

ASAP i really need your help/opinions (updated 5/1)

hello everybody *waves* i dont usually open up on forums but i really need some guidance and this forum is somewhere i can feel free to express myself.

so here's the deal:

i have a boyfriend and were been together going on 7 months. i REALLY enjoy being around him, hes great. great personality, not too agressive, not too timid, alot like me...in a male version. and i really like being in this relationship. he is independent, has a job(2 at that), knows how to budget his $$ so his bills get paid in full (on time), has great relationship with his family, no kids, faithful, and is also putting himself through college. great guy, huh?

so my problem? yea, im getting to that.

sex. yep...*sigh* sex. about a month or two into our relationship i decided that i didnt want to have sex anymore b/c im not ready for the consequences and since getting closer to God i have decided its something im going to just wait out untill im married.
now HE on the other hand doesnt have those views. he thinks sex is a way to show affections, and a way to have a special closeness. i agree with that, but i think that i can wait till im married for thattype of closeness. ontop of that, hes just a overall horny freaktified(is that even a word?) person.

our delimma is basically the sex thing. he says that he respects my abstinence, but he doesnt think that its something he can partake in b/c everytime we are together he wants to have sex and its too much for him to keep trying to stop himself.

so now we are ont he brink of a breakup b/c im just as persistent about being abstinent as he is about having sex. EVERY other part of the relationship is PERFECT...we just cant see eye to eye on the sex thing. its tearing us apart and i really want to stay with him. we talked about it the last 2 days and it seems as though breaking up may be our only option b/c of sex despite the fact that we are happy otherwise. im at a point where i feel helpless and dont know what to do

we are going out this saturday and i know its going to be a topic.

can you guys help me out with some advice now that you've heard my babbling? id really appreciate it. any kind of suggestions, compromises, or ANYTHING will be taken to heart.

That's a though one. I'd say you should never have sex unless you really want to. You should never feel pressured to have sex, especially when you don't even have a ring on your finger.

If he does not share your new spiritual orientation, I understand that abstinence might be difficult for him and even grounds for breakup, and I know you must be afraid to lose him. If abstinence is that important to you, then stick it out. Don't give up your ideals or spirituality because of a man. I know, it's easier said than done. I hope things will turn out well for you 2 one way or the other.

I just wrote a post and then all of a sudden it disappeared. Oh ahaha...the devil funny he think im playing. Here we go again.

Im going to give it to you the way I give it to myself. Because sometimes I loose sight of certain things too. Not necessarily this subject but just life in general. So im going to give it too ya STRAIGHT UP! Not sugar coated. If straight talk isn't something for you right now..PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER!.

First and foremost where do you loyalties lie? To GOD or person A. Who were we put here on this earth to serve.

Matt 10: 37-39 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or duaghter mroe than me is not worthy of me. 38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. 39 He that findeth his lfie shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.

God comes before any person on this earth. And according to 37. If we love or are more loyal to anyone more than God we are not worthy of him. 38 We must take up our cross (temptations, struggles, hardships) and bear it and follow Christ. When we try to live the lives we were given by God here on earth for OURSELVES we will end up losing it, we can't do what WE want to make US HAPPY! We have to give up these lives for the Lord, that we may find our true purpose in him.

Other loyalty verses: Luke 16:13, John14: 21-24

At times like this, we forget what the real consequences of sin, lust, and fornication are. We feel like we are going through this alone and question why are we struggling? The thoughts may come through "Well, what can really immediately happen, I know people everyday are fornicating, but nothings happening to them, some of them are actually prospering". But, we must remember that the Lord already knew these temptations would come upon us, thats why he has given us guidance in his word. Now, lets see what the word says:


James 1:12-16 Oh PRAISE GOD FOR THESE VERSES. Hallelujah!

12. Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him. 13. Let no many say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: 14. But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. 15. Then when lust hath conceived it bringeth forth death. 16. Do not err, my beloved brethren.

The Lord knows what your temptation is, but if we endureth he says that we will receive the crown of life, isn't that beautiful thing. Glory to God. But, the consequences of our sin and lust is death. Now, Let these verses above speak to you with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Now the Lord speaks out against fornication blatantly in 1 Corinthians 6: 18-20


18. Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. 19. What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? 20. For ye are bought with a price therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.

We are not able to glorify God, by fornicating he gave us instructions on how to live if we were tempted. In 1 Corinthians 7: 2, he says let every man have his own wife and wife have her own husband to avoid fornication.

In conclusion, I would just like to lead you to Amos 3:3. Can two walk together, except they be agreed?

How can two walk together unless they be in agreement. You can't be in business with someone who wants to start a tire comapny and you want to make glass. Similar products used to make both things, but they are entirely to different things with too different modes of production. Theres no compromise on this subject. We as women and men of Christ, must stay strong in the Lord. We cannot compromise, because our lives are at stake. We are the light of the world, they see God through our actions.

We cannot be conformed to the mindset of the world that fornication is ok, its just a way of showing affection for one another, when the word says in

Romans 12: 1-2 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrificie, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. 2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Ill leave with song.
My God has lifted. Delievered. He set my Soul Free. My heart is minded. Im whole again. No chains are holding me. Got my Liberty. I am Healed.

-TrustTheWorld

Not a tough one... stick with abstinence until marriage. Even though he seems like the best guy in the world, ask yourself is it really worth it for you to have sex with this guy just because he's a great guy? What would you get out of it if you're trying to wait to have sex? Does having sex with this guy give God the glory?

PLEASE read 1 Corinthians 6:9-20 about using your body to give God glory... not this great, fun-loving guy. Read it EVERYDAY if you have to!!! Stay strong in your walk with the Lord. Don't let sexual temptations from this guy take over. Sexual sin always hurts someone. Sexual sin is not freedom, but enslavement.

Pray to God for strength. If the guy REALLY respects your abstience, he would not bother you about how he needs to have sex and how it shows affection, etc. I was once in a situation with a guy who was a preacher's son who begged me to have sex, but I stood my ground and said "No, I want to wait until I'm married because that's what God wants for me." He hated it and talked about how he wouldn't be able to stand it since he wasn't a virgin and how good sex feels. He was only my boyfriend for 3 months. So if he has to go, he just has to go. The greatest, smartest, financially stable guy in world doesn't need to have sex before he's married.

And ultimately, what would Jesus do??? In this Christian walk, we are all trying to be more like Jesus, right??? Ignore this guy's sexual sin beliefs and if he can't deal with your beliefs, let him go.

Hope that helps!!!

Weaveitup,

Is your boyfriend a Christian as well?

TrustMeLove, gurl you got biblical skills like a big dog. I'm in total agreement with you.
Stop looking to the creature and look to the creator.

First of all, I applaud you for wanting to grow closer to God. In doing so, you have to make decisions that are first and foremost best for your rlp with Christ according to his Word. I have to also ask the question, is this bf is a believer?

If not, even if he was willing to support you with being celibate, he would still be off limits, b/c the scripture says do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers (2 Cor 6:14). If so, then you need to remind him about what the Word says about what he "thinks about sex", b/c if he is a Christian, he should know that premarital sex is a No No!

If he is not saved or he is a Christian and not willing to walk in what the Word says, then you need to cut him loose. As a Christian woman, the man that you have a rlp with needs to not only be a Christian as well, but be just as committed to abstinence and living for Christ as you are. All those characteristics you named about him are good, but truth be told, what you said are things he should be expected to do. So often many Christian women fall into that trap of trying to please a man and God at the same time, but it never works, b/c you can't serve 2 masters (Mt 6:24).

Hey, I've been there so I know how you feel. I was in the same situation with a guy I was dating b/f I rededicated my life to Christ. He would go to church with me sometimes and everything, but deep down he was not willing to take that same step. I prayed that God would take away anything that would hinder me from my rlp with him, and guess what, he was the FIRST thing to go. It wasn't easy for me to get this man out of my system after we did break up, b/c we had engaged in sex, and therefore had spiritual ties that were hard to break. But with prayer, reading and fasting, that stronghold was broken. Now, I am married to a man who is very strong in the Lord and as we courted, both grew stronger in God, and are continuing this growth. So I encourage you to trust in God first, and he will give you your mate in your season.

Hi Weave-it-up,

First I would like to say: Praise God for your decision on getting to be closer to Him.

Also is your BF saved? From what I read, he seems to have a problem with "Lust." I remember Cinnabuns telling me that "Lust" is a monster that continually needs to be fed. It knows no limitations. This scripture helped me out a lot regarding giving my life over to God:

James 1:15 - Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin; and sin when it is full-grown brings forth death.

I feel that your BF should respect your choice and you should never feel pressured to do ANYTHING of this "world" to do.

I was in the same situation as you. I was with my finance for a year and decided to give my life over to God. He dropped me, but I didn't cry, becuase look what I gained.

I pray this helps

The hard thing about this is that both of you have experience the power of love making and know what it feels like to be with one another. I would say always be true to God first but also understand that your friend did not know this was going to happen when he enter the relationship so be sensitive to that. Find out if he is a Christian and also have you guys talked about marriage? I would say try to stay friends with him even if you both go seperate ways because you never know what God can do later. God will bless your faithfulness to Him but still pray and encourage your friend and also inform him that your decision to wait on God is nothing personal aganist him. It will be hard for a man who enters a relationship one way then it changes in this regard. A man's number one need is sex whether he is a Christian or not. This is not to say he cannot save himself for marriage. But a man psychologically and physically always wants to release themselves sexually it is just the human nature of man. But a man controled by God's holy spirit will know how to channel his energy until God gives him his queen. Keep praying and keep a positive attitude for this is hard time for the both of you.

star said:

The hard thing about this is that both of you have experience the power of love making and know what it feels like to be with one another. I would say always be true to God first but also understand that your friend did not know this was going to happen when he enter the relationship so be sensitive to that. Find out if he is a Christian and also have you guys talked about marriage? I would say try to stay friends with him even if you both go seperate ways because you never know what God can do later. God will bless your faithfulness to Him but still pray and encourage your friend and also inform him that your decision to wait on God is nothing personal aganist him. It will be hard for a man who enters a relationship one way then it changes in this regard. A man's number one need is sex whether he is a Christian or not. This is not to say he cannot save himself for marriage. But a man psychologically and physically always wants to release themselves sexually it is just the human nature of man. But a man controled by God's holy spirit will know how to channel his energy until God gives him his queen. Keep praying and keep a positive attitude for this is hard time for the both of you.

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Beautifully said. I just pulled a 360 on my boyfriend of 3 1/2 yrs after 2 1/2 yrs of lovemaking. It's been almost 2 months and I'm standing firm. Needless to say he's not a happy camper, but I'm so happy and determined about my decision that I don't even care if I lose him. My goal is bigger that him or sex. I know that if he leaves it was not meant to be and God is making way for for REAL husband. That will say something about HIM and his character, and I need to know that now not after we're married and have kids. Besides the obvious, pregnancy and disease, I can see so clearly now many different reasons why God asks us to wait! I prayed for him to manifest HIS truth to me and he is constantly answering my prayer.

thank you very much for your opinions, advice, and support everyone

i am definately standing by God on this one, no way im going to break my pledge to him over a guy. God most definately comes first.

but on the same note, i just really want to be with my boyfriend w/o the sex. i understand that his opinions are as stong as mine, and that neither of us are willing to change our minds. its just tearing me apart that every other aspect of the relationship is perfect, yet sex is strong enough to pull us apart. it feels so...unjust

trustmelove thank you for taking your time to type that up. your post with all the bible quotes put alot of things into perspective. i feel like my decision to stay abstinent is the right thing to do

poohbear he does respect my abstinence, which is why we have come to the brink of breakup. he has told me that we may need to let each other go since he doesnt want to impose on my walk of faith and decision to be abstinent. thanks alot for your post, im gonna check out that verse..it must be really powerfull b/c trustmelove recommended it too, i hope showing him the bible verses he can understand my stance better and perhaps join me in waiting till marriage, if not...i may need to just let him go *sigh*

JenJen yes, but im SDA and he is baptist

sweetcyes, hes a beliver, but currently i think im more adamant about it than he is. but from what i understand..he is going to try and get a stronger relationship with God also, i just want him to take the 1st step in that walk now *sigh*
thank youf or your story...i hope that if this doesnt work, ill find someone just as wonderful as you have

sugaplum i have thought about the lust thing, i think i will talk to him about it tonight. this is so hard for me...yet i know that God comes 1st and i need to honor him.

star i want to remain friends with him if our relationship works out, but he said it would be too hard for him. so basically, when hes gone...hes gone for good i know that hes nothing compared to God, and im still trying to adjust to that...i just my bf in my life somehow. i mean, if we are just friends there would be no reason for the sex subject to come up, but there are so many strong feelings btwn us that it would be very hard for us not to be depressed around each other b/c we acnt be together. thank you for your uplifting post

Dang weave

It sounds like both of you are good people and I hate to see you lose each other. Man, it's just hard. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm sorry any of us do

Hang in there and follow what you know is right but dang, I know how you feel babe. I'm sorry. But God will bless you for your obedience and this trial will seem like nothing! At least that's what I keep telling myself

weave,

RUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!! and don't look back.


you are doing the right thing by standing by our God.

I wish I would have had a board like this in highschool. ****sigh****

Weaveitup-- All of the ladies on this board have given you excellent advice. And most of all, their advice comes from the word of God.

Imagine for a moment that you went through with having sex with your boyfriend. Because of your dedication to God and change in lifestyle (and from what you've written you are standing FIRM on your beliefs), how do you think you would feel afterwards?

~Closer to your boyfriend?
~Complacent?
~Or regretful? Maybe even ashamed and angry?

I think that if your answer is the latter, then that is a sure sign that God has spoken to your spirit and given you the answer already! Just the fact that you have such a strong conviction about this and are asking questions proves that God is walking with you. Don't ignore His utterances, please. You can poll a million LHCF ladies and compile research, but look into your heart and pray about it. Fast, pray and read the word, even if you are a babe in Christ-- it will help clear your mind. It's as if saying your boyfriend is pretty much perfect. His appearance, his hearing, his conversation, his personality, charm and quirks. But what about his heart? If he not helping you through this, if he is not encouraged by your plight to become closer to YOUR Savior, then how could he be a long-term choice or a husband?

I cannot judge, I am 25, a virgin and I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 yrs. He's NOT a virgin and he is new to Christianity. It's not easy, but the fact that he respects me enough not to pressure me, make me feel guilty, persuade me, cheat on me and seek a closer relationship with God to boot, proves that he is worth keeping around. And in the end, as much as I love him, if any of the above factors were to change before marriage, I can stand firm in saying that I would choose God's will-- not mine. Pray before you act.

Hope I helped.

You've already made your choice. He has made his. There is no compromise.

sprungonhairboards thanks for your support

cupcake i responded to you in the other thread

honeyhips i know, but i still want to do everything in my power to try and make this work be4 i give up.

cupcake said:

I think that if your answer is the latter, then that is a sure sign that God has spoken to your spirit and given you the answer already! Just the fact that you have such a strong conviction about this and are asking questions proves that God is walking with you. Don't ignore His utterances, please. You can poll a million LHCF ladies and compile research, but look into your heart and pray about it. Fast, pray and read the word, even if you are a babe in Christ-- it will help clear your mind. It's as if saying your boyfriend is pretty much perfect. His appearance, his hearing, his conversation, his personality, charm and quirks. But what about his heart? If he not helping you through this, if he is not encouraged by your plight to become closer to YOUR Savior, then how could he be a long-term choice or a husband?

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WWOOOOW! Girl, that's STRONG! I totally agree with the bold part. In my head!

To Weave...Girl. I applaud you! Because their are so many young woman that are in the SAME predicament as you, the only difference is that MOST don't say anything out of fear of loosing their man. I know you're afriad to loose your man, but you're taking steps. And wow....girl...that is STRONG!

I don't have much to add because the ladies are giving you GREAT advice. Just know that if you do end up breaking up with your boyfriend don't fret...Because what GOD has for you is SO SO SO much more than you could ever imagine. I know when you have someone wonderful staring you in the face, it's hard to fathom that their could be something better. But trust, God ALWAYS surpasses our expectations, espcially with our mates, and ESPECIALLY when you honor and obey Him.

Yeah he's great, but God is greater. Your boyfriend could work 1,000 jobs and cannot provide what God can if you are diligent. Talk to God about the situation. No matter what is said in this forum, we can't change your boyfriend's mind, but God has access to his heart.

Well, hopefully through this experience..you could be a positive influence on him..that he may try to walk closer with God.

Definetely show him the verses, and pray.

I prayLord that you open this young mans spiritual ears to hear the truth and that his heart be not harden to the word and that he hears, understands, and takes action. I also pray Lord God that you give weaveitup..the right words to come out of her mouth, Lord the right actions when conveying your wonderful word. Lord we thank you for all your goodness and mercy that you bestow upon us Lord, eventhough we don't deserve it Lord. Glory to your name Lord. I pray that you intervene in this situation in a powerful way, that things work out for the good of your people who love you and diligently serve you Lord. Let your will be done, Lord and not ours. You are a great God all by yourself Lord. Things that you do, sometimes we don't understand Lord, but thats alright, I just ask that you be the comforter I know you to be..to weaveitup right now...Thank you Jesus...AMEN

-Trust

Tough, I know--but whatever you do: don't give in to him on this! This isn't about being stubborn, it's about your inner strength, inner beauty, inner health and wholeness and how all of that ties to your heavenly Father. If this man REALLY loves YOU (key word you--not the fact that sex with you makes him feel good) then he'll stick around. If not, then we'll know where his heart really was. And if that would be the case, then you and I both know that you are worth much more than that. A man like that wouldn't really be worthy of you, now would he? But I hope he isn't a man like that. I hope he truly loves you for you.

weaveitup said:

honeyhips i know, but i still want to do everything in my power to try and make this work be4 i give up.

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And that is the problem. Give it to God and let him work it out. I could go into details, but everyone summed it up perfectly, Especially Supergirls post. This isn't a comprimising issue. It can't be. You are worth so much more. If he loves you, he can wait. If he is really a man of God, he won't want you to compromise yourself with God. That is who is more important. Not him. Stay focused on God right now and not him.

thank you for your encouragement everybody! this forum is truly blessed

trustmelove, thank you for your prayer *hug*

supergirl, i will tell him just what you said and see what he has to say about that :0)

honeyhips...ill do that. ill explain to him how God is more inportant, and see if he can understand. if not, i will move on from the relationship

weaveitup said:

honeyhips...ill do that. ill explain to him how God is more inportant, and see if he can understand. if not, i will move on from the relationship

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BRAVO!!!

thanks!

i talked to him today. we broke up..but were both reallly sad about it. i told him to pull over and i once again explained that God comes 1st, and that if he loves me as much as he says he does then he will do what it takes to stay with me... and if he makes the choice to make having sex more important than having me, then perhaps we really dont need to be together. im not interested in being his sex buddy. he gain swore up and down thats not what it was about, but it was his NEED *rolls eyes*

so then i told him if he really wants to be with me we cant have sex and im not going to cave. i have to sacrafice whats important(him) for whats MORE important(God). then i remembered a post made in one of these 2 threads about a member who has been with her man 3 years w/o sex. i told him we can avoid situations by not getting in bed to take naps, and only hanging out when we have something constructive to do so we dont end up in his apartment. i dont mind talking to him on the phone. i mean, he loves going tot he gym, i dont mind spending time with him at the gym...i can stand to lose a few pounds. lol.

anywho, he said he will think about it and call me later. i prayed to God to guide him. i asked God to only bring him back if he would be able to stay abstinent, and if he was at a good place with God...or would be in the future.

you made the right decision.

[size=+2]thanks!

well, he just called..he told me he loves me and wants us to stay together! so he is indeed going to join me in my abstinence. and since i asked God to only bring him back if he will have a strong walk of faith...i feel really happy and secure in the relationship.

thank you soooooooo much everybody for your help, guidance, and stories. i will pray for all of you![/size]

Hey girl, stay strong. If yall are still going to stay together, stick to guidelines you set before...

" i told him we can avoid situations by not getting in bed to take naps, and only hanging out when we have something constructive to do so we dont end up in his apartment. i dont mind talking to him on the phone. i mean, he loves going tot he gym, i dont mind spending time with him at the gym."


Those are really good. I'll be praying for you!

It sounds like he is not the guy for you. You are not obligated to have sex with him and you are not even married to him so why should he even expect it. You might want to move on to someone who has similar beliefs OR who will and CAN respect your choice.

weaveitup said:

[size=+2]thanks!

well, he just called..he told me he loves me and wants us to stay together! so he is indeed going to join me in my abstinence. and since i asked God to only bring him back if he will have a strong walk of faith...i feel really happy and secure in the relationship.

thank you soooooooo much everybody for your help, guidance, and stories. i will pray for all of you![/size]

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weaveitup,

I'm so happy for you....keep faith in God and He'll bless you in ways you could never imagine. I will be praying for you and your SO's relationship.

weaveitup said:

[size=+2]thanks!

well, he just called..he told me he loves me and wants us to stay together! so he is indeed going to join me in my abstinence. and since i asked God to only bring him back if he will have a strong walk of faith...i feel really happy and secure in the relationship.

thank you soooooooo much everybody for your help, guidance, and stories. i will pray for all of you![/size]

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So proud of you for not giving in. You would've felt horrible, and he would have respected you less for doing so. Now, the both of you can hold your head up high. It seems like he really loves you, but was seeing how far he could push the envelope. You've shown him alot about your character and about how highly you think of yourself with this one decision! As far as his "need"--well God made him and all of his parts. God knows how He is wired and he (and you) should trust God even with these kinds of needs. That is a real and true thing. I have had to get on my knees many times and say "God, you know how I'm feeling right now and I know that you created me this way. Lord, please help me because there is nothing I can do right now. Lord, thank you for how sweet it's going to be when I am finally able to make love Your way to my husband." Sometimes I would pray this prayer through tears, but that last part is the part that really helped me.

Your wedding night will be so rewarding because you have made the decision that you have. Bless both of you. I'm very proud of you.