"We will not lose our love, our marriage, OVER HAIR"

[Guitarhero]

Yes, this was definitely the case. I transitioned for as long as I could stand it (that was part of my compromise), but after I bc'd, I still had a short fro. Dh didn't like that, and he didn't like most of the styles I experimented with.

He loves it now. It's been 4 years, and it was gradual. He would start out only complimenting certain styles, but last year he told me he understands why I did it, and that I seem happier and more confident. He also said my hair is very versatile. So yeah, I think length combined with texture is the issue many men have. Long and kinky trumps short and kinky every time.

It's like the complexion issue so prevalent in several communities with a certain order in place. I tried tracing this "story" to a source outside of Nikki and couldn't find it. If anyone gets a hole of it, please post. I've asked Nikki/site if the man is in fact Black.

 

[Leeda.the.Paladin]

For the women who said their husbands didn't like their hair when they went natural, did their opinions change once your hair got longer. I'm wondering if the issue with them not liking it is length and not so much the texture.

KCcurly and southernbella

The length did have a lot do with it, but he still doesn't like certain styles. He has told me flat out, once I badgered him about it, that he prefers straight hair.

 

[abcd09]

...........................Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..............

I wonder what what dh would have done if she looked him in the eye and replied...........

OK!

I wonder what would have happened if she flipped the switch and said, "Me too! I can't stand your hair! I prefer straight hair on men. as straight as Jason Mamoa's. Here's a picture *pulls a picture of him from Conan out of her purse* Now our marriage will REALLY work if you go to the beauty shop with me and get a relaxer. Whaddya say?"

 

[Ogoma]

Very true but what if their is no sex change involved what if he only likes to dress as a women


Sent from my iPod touch using LHCF

You mean like Eddie Izzard or Dame Edna? I would not mind at all! Just bring home the dough.

Anything other than that has deeper sex and gender identification issues going on.

 

[Ogoma]

I wish I could say it 100 more times. Some lessons are hard to learn because most of us feel we already have the answers. I see my former mindset in many posts on this thread. There are many reasons why there a lot of single women that are not the fault of women. However, there are certainly reasons and ways of thinking that are our own undoing.

But that 70% includes divorced women. I love black men (95% of the men I love the most in this world are black), but AA men have the highest divorce rates regardless of what race of woman they are married to. You might want to consider it is not all the women's fault......

 

[growinghealthyhair]

Ok, ok, ok. He probably didn’t use those exact words. But I’m pregnant, so that’s what it sounded like.

From what I was reading I thought he didn't say I want to split up, but she was just exaggerating ??

 

[Beautytalk69]

nevermind.............

 

[Iwanthealthyhair67]

What's the christian Fellowship Forum have to do with AA men hating on their women ...your ranting and raving is disjointed and confusing...especially at the bolded

Oh, this issue. Of course not. However, I have NEVER seen a black population of people diss their own women like AA men talking about haiting how they look. I'm sorry, truth is truth. They can be some hating punk beatch a$$es... Oh, the CF ...the CF!!!! I just had to say it...I hate this situation, truly. And the woman is stupid! Sowee for the cuzzing...but I just didn't hold back! You rarely see any other ethnic group of men act like this against their own race.




Psst! There are more Black men in the world other than just AA's...but they seem to have the overwhelming "problem" with their own women...

 

[Philippians413]

Okay, we have never seen this lady's hair before. What if her hair looks worse than the lady on Type F?What if she doesn't know how to style it or make it look good? Jacked up hair comes in all textures.

Her picture is posted with the article.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ih-VDN4CC6U/TqbgTiYYxGI/AAAAAAAAQwY/5_Cdy03tmVo/s1600/IMG_0196%281%29.jpg


And she responded...
http://www.curlynikki.com/2011/10/autumn-responds-to-yesterdays-marriage.html

 

[Beautytalk69]

Her picture is posted with the article.

I see..oh and she came back to confront..

AUTUMN
Um… WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Yes, this happened for real. And YES, there were A LOT of elements missing from the post. Of course, it’s a personal story re-told in “glimpse” fashion to make a point.

I do not need to defend the conclusion of my story. But I will say this: I STILL HAVE MY MARRIAGE, AND IT’S A BEAUTIFUL ONE. I STILL HAVE MY NATURAL HAIR, AND IT’S BEAUTIFUL TOO. My husband did not really want to end our marriage (re-read the post). I am currently in a more-than-humanly-normal hormonal state (re-read the post).

Hair: Just as trivial as the idea of divorcing someone over hair, is the idea of NOT making at least an EFFORT if your spouse expresses disappointment – especially if it is a change from your initial self (i.e., not TRYING to lose gained weight, not TRYING to dress more attractively, not TRYING to be more sexually active – if you were before). Also, I believe that physical attraction is VERY important in relationships – possibly more important to men than women.

Marriage: Our love story is sweet and full of depth, not bitter and shallow. Marriage in this country is being downplayed something fierce, as evident in how fast most commenters said they would let their marriage and their children’s two-parent household just…dissolve. Men can be insensitive and often are, but they are not ALWAYS cheating. Women can be intuitive and often are, but they are not ALWAYS in tune with what their spouses are feeling and can often ignore important signals to focus on other things like work, children, etc. And thank you to commenter DFig for this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=1&_r=3

Conclusion: The negative feelings toward “nappy” hair out there are REAL. People, even loved ones will say some VERY mean things. I wanted to present a DIFFERENT way to react to the negativity (especially regarding unsupportive spouses). It’s NOT all about YOU. It’s about EVERYONE – all races, all sexes, all religions – and it’s about our children, too. That might sound too deep, but it’s true. What image are we REALLY portraying? At this point in time, my case it is simple (NOT complicated): I believe that my reaction to the situation will show my husband how VERSATILE my natural hair is – that it’s not all about my afro/curly styles (which I believe he thought was true, considering I had not straightened my hair and only done styles like twists and coils for a whole year straight). But that I can do it ALL – curly/straight/weave/whatever! And STILL be able to reach my goal of growing my natural hair longer than it was relaxed, and showing my daughter that her natural hair is beautiful and versatile, too.

Let’s be more POSITIVE. “A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes. It is a catalyst and it sparks extraordinary results.” Wade Boggs

Your natural hair is only as beautiful as YOU are.

 

[lovegymnasts]

Her picture is posted with the article.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ih-VDN4CC6U/TqbgTiYYxGI/AAAAAAAAQwY/5_Cdy03tmVo/s1600/IMG_0196%281%29.jpg

She's cute as h*ll. What on earth is he complaining about?

 

[LittleLuxe]

Yeah so...between this story, the NY Times article and some of the comments here...I need a break from the man I don't have. Sheesh...like there's not enough bs in my life without someone adding all that silly crap.

 

[BostonMaria]

Are you kidding me?

Sigh. To the person who wrote that post, I wish you luck.


Sent from my fancy iPhone using LHCF

 

[kandake]

Bottom line. Don't share your marital business with anyone. That's like the golden rule of marriage.

 

[Noryette]

Random thoughts after reading through 8 pages of comments...mostly cosigning...

We don't know the back story. Sometimes people let things build up and then go off on something that seems small. I used to do it with my husband. It's not healthy, and I had to work on it. But the marriage thing was new to me at the time. I know what it feels like to try to be patient but it just isn't working. Who knows what other arguments they have? Or how she handles things with him outside of this argument. She just posted the hair part because it was relevant to that hair community. We don't know how good her communication skills are either...that's just from the fact that she posted what could be a serious issue on CurlyNikki (nothing against that website) saying he wanted to split up/blaming her hormones on how she interpreted it/ etc...Counseling would be a good idea either way.
Secondly, it IS just hair but it isn't. Saying it's just hair from so many people in this thread is hilarious. Isn't this a hair forum? If it's just hair, we wouldn't be here. It's not something to divorce over, but my hair is a very important part of me...And engaging in this online community of people who also give their hair priority has made my hair even more important to me. Many women on here admit that it took time to accept their own natural hair, so it does take time for others as well.
And about AA men being the only ones to talk bad about their women....I think I read something by either Angelou or Walker that said that AA women are the only women that have been loved and abused by every race. We don't just get it from AA men. That's due to media, colonialism, etc...) It's sad either way though. That's why we have to embrace our beauty and make it a social norm, because it certainly is not now.
4th thing but not really important: You don't have to be really attracted to someone [Or Their Hair] to sleep with them and potentially get them pregnant (happens all the time I'm sure).

 

[yorkpatties]

I thought those were stock images. But I guess it's not because looky here from February of this year:

http://www.curlynikki.com/2011/02/i-big-chopped-autumn.html

Her picture is posted with the article.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ih-VDN4CC6U/TqbgTiYYxGI/AAAAAAAAQwY/5_Cdy03tmVo/s1600/IMG_0196%281%29.jpg


And she responded...
http://www.curlynikki.com/2011/10/autumn-responds-to-yesterdays-marriage.html

 

[GaiasDaughter24]

Bottom line. Don't share your marital business with anyone. That's like the golden rule of marriage.

Yup, yup. NO ONE knows what goes on in my marriage except our respective famlies and even they don't know all of it.

If you want a glimpse into what marriage is like check out truuconfessions.com, the wife section. That's what goes on behind closed doors. Some peoples lives are CRAZY!

 

[curlyninjagirl]

I know couples like this, that openly argue about trivial matters. Always always bickering about dumb stuff. They make me very uncomfortable. I've seen beautiful marriages before and they don't ever look like this. I'd rather die an old maid than end up in this sort of marriage.

eta: I'd also like to add that within the examples of beautiful marriage I've seen, there have been a lot of unattractive and crazy hairstyle choices, none of which were a source of argument. Just humor.

 

[SmilingElephant]

Wow. I need to hang out in the hair section more often.

WAIT!!!

SoInnocent

I can't stop laughing at your siggy!!!!!

What on Earth????

 

[SmilingElephant]

lesedi[USER][/USER]
I Really don't know!!! I found it on another site but I can't remember where

I guess you're asking yourself what kind of websites this girl be going to

SoInnocent....okay never mind...i just read this!......that made my cramps go away!!!

 

[Noryette]

I had to stop staring at that siggy cuz I'm at work!

 

[nzeee]

Random thoughts after reading through 8 pages of comments...mostly cosigning...

We don't know the back story. Sometimes people let things build up and then go off on something that seems small. I used to do it with my husband. It's not healthy, and I had to work on it. But the marriage thing was new to me at the time. I know what it feels like to try to be patient but it just isn't working. Who knows what other arguments they have? Or how she handles things with him outside of this argument. She just posted the hair part because it was relevant to that hair community. We don't know how good her communication skills are either...that's just from the fact that she posted what could be a serious issue on CurlyNikki (nothing against that website) saying he wanted to split up/blaming her hormones on how she interpreted it/ etc...Counseling would be a good idea either way.
Secondly, it IS just hair but it isn't. Saying it's just hair from so many people in this thread is hilarious. Isn't this a hair forum? If it's just hair, we wouldn't be here. It's not something to divorce over, but my hair is a very important part of me...And engaging in this online community of people who also give their hair priority has made my hair even more important to me. Many women on here admit that it took time to accept their own natural hair, so it does take time for others as well.
And about AA men being the only ones to talk bad about their women....I think I read something by either Angelou or Walker that said that AA women are the only women that have been loved and abused by every race. We don't just get it from AA men. That's due to media, colonialism, etc...) It's sad either way though. That's why we have to embrace our beauty and make it a social norm, because it certainly is not now.
4th thing but not really important: You don't have to be really attracted to someone [Or Their Hair] to sleep with them and potentially get them pregnant (happens all the time I'm sure).

Noryette: thanks for this great summary / +1 cosign everything

 

[discodumpling]

LMAO at her backsliding response...she will still be living her life to please him. Good luck to them....Black Love is a beautiful thing ...wonder if he'l love her with her heat damaged hair in another year or so?

 

[CurlyNiquee]

In my opinion she looks wayyyy better with her natural curly hair. This whole story/scenario bothers me and I hope that her husband can mature, man up and apologize in the very near future. I don't care if I had 25 inch weave when you met me! You married me for better or worse for number one, so wearing the hair the way it naturally grows out my scalp should not be cause for separation! Secondly, what happens if something else were to happen (god forbid) to her appearance beyond her control...would he stick around? He seems like a grade A loser.

 

[Napp]

In my opinion she looks wayyyy better with her natural curly hair. This whole story/scenario bothers me and I hope that her husband can mature, man up and apologize in the very near future. I don't care if I had 25 inch weave when you met me! You married me for better or worse for number one, so wearing the hair the way it naturally grows out my scalp should not be cause for separation! Secondly, what happens if something else were to happen (god forbid) to her appearance beyond her control...would he stick around? He seems like a grade A loser.

Hmm i think she looks with it better straight.... it could be the makeup in the natural pics thats throwing me off...its a drastic change compared to her BC....

 

[greenandchic]

I need to stop reading the responses on CurlyNikki because some of them are making me hot.

Call me a modern, secular, young (33) California girl, but I don't need to ask permission to wear my hair naturally - the way it grows out of my scalp. I would understand if I wanted to dye it green or something like that. I hate that only in our community, natural hair is still not the norm to the point someone would use it as an excuse to end a marriage.

 

[LittleLuxe]

She looks more striking with natural hair IMO, than she does relaxed. I also think she looks WAY better with short hair.

I dunno, such a shame. Like do you ever get a chance to just explore things and be yourself? Your man has to pick up where your parents left off?

 

[ladysaraii]

I need to stop reading the responses on CurlyNikki because some of them are making me hot.

Call me a modern, secular, young (33) California girl, but I don't need to ask permission to wear my hair naturally - the way it grows out of my scalp. I would understand if I wanted to dye it green or something like that. I hate that only in our community, natural hair is still not the norm to the point someone would use it as an excuse to end a marriage.

Im just glad that I went natural now before any SO. This way they know, what you see is what you get

 

[Ladybelle]

I haven't read through all of the responses, but to me there seems to be a fine line between retaining your individuality in marriage and being a selfless spouse.

We all have our preferences in what we are attracted to and men in particular like to see their women look a certain way, I mean we all know men are VISUAL creatures.


This is just tough. Should he love her no matter how her hair is? Yes! Should he be attracted to her too? Idk. Should he be forced to like his wife's natural hair when his preference is straight hair? Going from a relaxer to natural can be a drastic change.


This is indeed about more than hair. I'd be curious to know why he doesn't like her natural hair.

Not that my opinion matters, but I think she's pretty period, regardless of how she chooses to wear her hair.

 

[naturalgyrl5199]

Wow. At least she is keeping it real.

When I BC'd my hubby didn't want a divorce, but he was VERY rude to me about it. He picked at it, tried to embarrass me in front of some of his family members, gave me the silent treatment. The works. I cried, got upset, and yes, he was being very selfish about it. He told me I needed a perm. We were only married like a year. Being the person I am, I listened, and he was like...well you ignored my feelings...So I said, I did listen to your feelings...Oh, is "listening to your feelings" code for "do what I want?"...When I put it like that he was like no I want you to be happy. But he never pulled any punches...he hated it short, and "nappy" looking...So I compromised for a bit. I wore weaves, and braids a while...which he also hated..but oh well...can't have it all. Then, 13 mos post BC...I decided it was time for a change...I took out my braids, started wearing twists....Then a couple weeks later....I decided to press it.....well look who is SL? Now hubby is all on my jock....

At the time, when I told others about it, they said he was being selfish and he is not a good man...I told them, you know what, he IS being a big baby about it, and its not his fault he was raised to think nappy or natural is ugly, and in an environment where perms = beauty, and yada yada yada. I was hurt, but I was determined. I wasn't about to perm it, despite his begging, but he was just gonna have to deal with it. I had to learn that sometimes your man will do you wrong emotionally, and sometimes they will act 4, or 5, or 2! But I grew a backbone in 1 month as a result of that because I'd had it.

Here we are 3 years later and I caught him texting a pick of my hair to his homeboy...now somewhere between BSL or BSB or whatever..."Talking about "natural hair can grow long". When his friend told me that I rolled my eyes...He don't even know how resistant my husband was to the whole natural thing from day one. I even slapped hubby's hand out my hair the other day when it was in a braid out...I say...oh you like my natural hair now! And he smiled.....to this day I still remind him about how he did me on BC day...Its always gonna be a stain on our marriage...and he's apologized in more ways than one....But like a marriage should be, you grow up, you pray, and move on....folk ain't perfect. But we WANT to stay together...and that's what we're doin.