How long to date before engagement?

[sithembile]

I was Supergirl's post in the OT forum about couples whom she thought might me getting engaged too soon. From a Christian perspective, how long do you think Christians should date before engagement? My pastor says 6 months is the minimum he would expect, but obviously it depends on the couple and, of course, on God. What do you all think, I'd like to hear especially from married/engaged women.

 

[MissJ]

Well, I'm not married or engaged, but I don't think there should be a set time to become engaged. When two people know, they just know. Most people don't get married immediately, following an engagement, so there is more dating/getting to know each other between the two before the actual wedding occurs.

 

[pressncurl]

I don't think you can define a set amount of dating time that applies for every couple. I agree with MissJ that when a couple knows, they will just know.

 

[Supergirl]

There's no set time that will do for EVERY couple, but taking your time is definitely a wise decision as opposed to doing things too quickly.

I think it's okay to talk about marriage as soon as the two would like to discuss it, but getting engaged after a few months of dating is just too soon in my opinion.

Like I said in the OT post, it is true that sometimes people are certain that they've found the right person for them. But it is still wise to get to know that right person before making such a HUGE committment. (COVENANT) If it's the right person and the wrong time, then it's still the wrong thing. I hope that makes sense.

 

[GodsPromises]

Prayfully my dh and I got married 6 weeks after meeting. We knew that the Lord had put us together. I knew that he was the promise that God had given me 8 months before we meet. Saying that I was still weary about getting married so soon until my dh broke it down to me spritually:

You see dating to get to know someone isn't scriptural at all:

1. Issac and Rehakkah: Abraham ordered his servant to go to the land of his people and find his son a wife. The servant went and prayed for a type of woman and when she came to the well and did as he expected he asked her to go with him. Now she didn't know the servant, Abraham nor Issac but she when. Issac saw her took her into his mother's tent and make her his wife - No dating involved

2. The same with Jacob with a little spin - Jacob saw Rachel and fell in love with her. The would had married right away except her daddy wanted Jacob to work for him for 7 years first and then tricked him to work 7 more years but nowhere in the Word of God does it say that they dated.

3. The my dh really took it to another level - Adam and Eve - God created Eve from Adam's rib and when Adam woke up he said this is woman flesh of my flesh bone of my bone. Adam nor Eve stated oh we have to date for awhile first.

Also think about it, dating so something pretty new. In a lot of countries marriages are still arranged and have lasted for 30, 40 and some 50 years without them dating. Even in this country up until many 100 years ago marriages for the most part was arranged and lasted it.

Now I'm not saying you should just go into marriage without getting to know the person and most people should date for a while first, what I am saying is that in some cases the person knows that they know that they know that this is right.

Just another thought

 

[Supergirl]

LadyR,

I am 100% happy that things have worked out great for you and your husband!

I want to comment on a few things in your post. Dating/courting to get to know someone did not occur in the Bible, but I don't think it is anti-God. There are many things in the Bible that happened as a result of the age they were in and the way the society was at the time. In fact, arranged marriages are a perfect example of this. In those countries that have arranged marriages, that is the norm in their society. Those marriages lasting is also a norm of those societies.

Unfortunately in our American society, divorce has become just as normal as lasting marriages. Divorce is more widely accepted here, whereas that would NEVER fly in many places. In India, there are arranged marriages where husbands can be very abusive, even to the point of setting their wives on fire. But we don't see any of the women going after a divorce, because that is just not acceptable in their society.

Anyway, not to get too far off the topic... In our current age and society, it is wise (in most cases) to stop and get to know a potential marriage partner.

I believe that even though the Bible is God's Word, He is BIG enough to allow for different, natural changes that happen over time. There are many things that people did in the Bible days that we do not do today, but that doesn't make our present practices "unbiblical" or ungodly. Quick example: in those days, people walked everywhere they went or rode animals. Well, with the passing of time, we have many more advanced ways to travel. (cars, planes, buses, etc.)

As far as Adam and Eve's marriage, there is no doubt that God put these two together. This was also before sin entered the world.
Adam and Eve didn't need to stop and get to know each other. There was no chance that they would divorce, because there was no such thing as divorce at that time.

 

[GodsPromises]

Ok I don't remember saying anywhere in my post that dating was anti-God what I was saying is that dating is not always necessary if you are sure that you are sure. Now those examples are examples came up in my life, I wasn't saying anywhere that that would work for just anyone. What I was trying to say is that how long you date depends on each couple and I truly feel that no one can tell anyone else that they haven't dated long enought. Just as a marriage can end in divorce from not knowing each other for long a marriage can end with someone who dated 10 years.

LadyR,

I am 100% happy that things have worked out great for you and your husband!

I want to comment on a few things in your post. Dating/courting to get to know someone did not occur in the Bible, but I don't think it is anti-God. There are many things in the Bible that happened as a result of the age they were in and the way the society was at the time. In fact, arranged marriages are a perfect example of this. In those countries that have arranged marriages, that is the norm in their society. Those marriages lasting is also a norm of those societies.

Unfortunately in our American society, divorce has become just as normal as lasting marriages. Divorce is more widely accepted here, whereas that would NEVER fly in many places. In India, there are arranged marriages where husbands can be very abusive, even to the point of setting their wives on fire. But we don't see any of the women going after a divorce, because that is just not acceptable in their society.

Anyway, not to get too far off the topic... In our current age and society, it is wise (in most cases) to stop and get to know a potential marriage partner.

I believe that even though the Bible is God's Word, He is BIG enough to allow for different, natural changes that happen over time. There are many things that people did in the Bible days that we do not do today, but that doesn't make our present practices "unbiblical" or ungodly. Quick example: in those days, people walked everywhere they went or rode animals. Well, with the passing of time, we have many more advanced ways to travel. (cars, planes, buses, etc.)

As far as Adam and Eve's marriage, there is no doubt that God put these two together. This was also before sin entered the world.
Adam and Eve didn't need to stop and get to know each other. There was no chance that they would divorce, because there was no such thing as divorce at that time.

 

[GodsPromises]

Ok I don't remember saying anywhere in my post that dating was anti-God what I was saying is that dating is not always necessary if you are sure that you are sure. Now those examples are examples came up in my life, I wasn't saying anywhere that that would work for just anyone. What I was trying to say is that how long you date depends on each couple and I truly feel that no one can tell anyone else that they haven't dated long enought. Just as a marriage can end in divorce from not knowing each other for long a marriage can end with someone who dated 10 years.

LadyR,

I am 100% happy that things have worked out great for you and your husband!

I want to comment on a few things in your post. Dating/courting to get to know someone did not occur in the Bible, but I don't think it is anti-God. There are many things in the Bible that happened as a result of the age they were in and the way the society was at the time. In fact, arranged marriages are a perfect example of this. In those countries that have arranged marriages, that is the norm in their society. Those marriages lasting is also a norm of those societies.

Unfortunately in our American society, divorce has become just as normal as lasting marriages. Divorce is more widely accepted here, whereas that would NEVER fly in many places. In India, there are arranged marriages where husbands can be very abusive, even to the point of setting their wives on fire. But we don't see any of the women going after a divorce, because that is just not acceptable in their society.

Anyway, not to get too far off the topic... In our current age and society, it is wise (in most cases) to stop and get to know a potential marriage partner.

I believe that even though the Bible is God's Word, He is BIG enough to allow for different, natural changes that happen over time. There are many things that people did in the Bible days that we do not do today, but that doesn't make our present practices "unbiblical" or ungodly. Quick example: in those days, people walked everywhere they went or rode animals. Well, with the passing of time, we have many more advanced ways to travel. (cars, planes, buses, etc.)

As far as Adam and Eve's marriage, there is no doubt that God put these two together. This was also before sin entered the world.
Adam and Eve didn't need to stop and get to know each other. There was no chance that they would divorce, because there was no such thing as divorce at that time.

 

[Blossssom]

A Christian friend of mine met her husband and within 6 months, they were married. They still are 15 years later.

I truly believe it's an individual thing. Some people know right away, while others know 2 years later.

Christian or not, a person should know after 2 years if this is the love of their life or not.

 

[Supergirl]

Ok I don't remember saying anywhere in my post that dating was anti-God what I was saying is that dating is not always necessary if you are sure that you are sure. Now those examples are examples came up in my life, I wasn't saying anywhere that that would work for just anyone. What I was trying to say is that how long you date depends on each couple and I truly feel that no one can tell anyone else that they haven't dated long enought. Just as a marriage can end in divorce from not knowing each other for long a marriage can end with someone who dated 10 years.

I used the term "anti-God" because many times when people say something is not biblical, they are in other words saying that it goes against God.

Also, I never meant to imply that dating for a long time guarantees anything.

 

[sithembile]

Thanks for all your opinions. I lie somewhere in between Ladyr and Supergirl. I started dating a man from my church just over a month ago, we immediately established that the purpose of our relationship was to explore the possibility of marriage. We have talked about it and prayed about it. We believe that God has brought us together, and we are now getting to know each other more, whilst praying for God to lead us into marriage at the appointed time. We don't know when that will be, whether its 6 months or 6 years, we want to do it in God's timing.

 

[CurliDiva]

I don't think there is a set time limit for dating or courtship, BUT too many people use "dating" as a trail marriage- with all the benefits yet not responsibilities.

I mean playing "wifey" before there is a commitment will lead to heartache if the relationship does not work out! A boyfriend is not a husband, yet many have given a boy-friend everything that should precious and scared to a marriage.

 

[Supergirl]

Thanks for all your opinions. I lie somewhere in between Ladyr and Supergirl. I started dating a man from my church just over a month ago, we immediately established that the purpose of our relationship was to explore the possibility of marriage. We have talked about it and prayed about it. We believe that God has brought us together, and we are now getting to know each other more, whilst praying for God to lead us into marriage at the appointed time. We don't know when that will be, whether its 6 months or 6 years, we want to do it in God's timing.

Well, you've chosen the best option which is to do it in God's timing. Since the both of you are endeavoring to follow and listen to the Lord, I believe that He will have His hand in your relationship. Of course God's timing for you will probably be different than it was for myself and LadyR. It is hard sometimes when you know God has lead you toward a particular thing, but He has you waiting on His timing to fully walk into that thing. But the blessing of it is beyond all we could ask or think.

I would never tell a couple that they needed to wait as long as my husband and I did. (6years) Our timeline was pretty un-typical. (is that a word?) But more and more I was able to see and understand some things that God wanted to do for us and show us together and individually before we became husband and wife. Only because of God's love for us did He design a plan for us and our process leading toward marriage.

Blossom's timeline of 2 years is a good "rule of thumb." My pastor will not marry a couple (won't even let them get into pre-marital classes) if they have not dated at least 2 years. He stands firm on this and in 15 years, I have seen less than a handful of couples that he marries get divorced.

Anyway, if you have prayed for a strong healthy marriage, I believe that God will answer that prayer. But be willing to wait on Him and go through whatever process and timing He has designed for you. I believe you can have the marriage you dream of if you take the time to allow a strong foundation for that marriage to form.

God Bless You!

 

[CurleeDST]

I am married and I think a minimum of 12 months is necessary to see a person in as many of their seasons as possible. If someone is phony or faking it is very difficult to keep it up for an entire year - not saying some grand scheme fake artists, can't, just difficult.

Overall pray about it, ask him all of the important questions to you (do they believe in God, do they want a family, how do they feel about money and savings, etc.).

God bless.

I was Supergirl's post in the OT forum about couples whom she thought might me getting engaged too soon. From a Christian perspective, how long do you think Christians should date before engagement? My pastor says 6 months is the minimum he would expect, but obviously it depends on the couple and, of course, on God. What do you all think, I'd like to hear especially from married/engaged women.

 

[CurleeDST]

Excellent advice Supergirl.

Well, you've chosen the best option which is to do it in God's timing. Since the both of you are endeavoring to follow and listen to the Lord, I believe that He will have His hand in your relationship. Of course God's timing for you will probably be different than it was for myself and LadyR. It is hard sometimes when you know God has lead you toward a particular thing, but He has you waiting on His timing to fully walk into that thing. But the blessing of it is beyond all we could ask or think.

I would never tell a couple that they needed to wait as long as my husband and I did. (6years) Our timeline was pretty un-typical. (is that a word?) But more and more I was able to see and understand some things that God wanted to do for us and show us together and individually before we became husband and wife. Only because of God's love for us did He design a plan for us and our process leading toward marriage.

Blossom's timeline of 2 years is a good "rule of thumb." My pastor will not marry a couple (won't even let them get into pre-marital classes) if they have not dated at least 2 years. He stands firm on this and in 15 years, I have seen less than a handful of couples that he marries get divorced.

Anyway, if you have prayed for a strong healthy marriage, I believe that God will answer that prayer. But be willing to wait on Him and go through whatever process and timing He has designed for you. I believe you can have the marriage you dream of if you take the time to allow a strong foundation for that marriage to form.

God Bless You!

 

[Blossssom]

Thanks for all your opinions. I lie somewhere in between Ladyr and Supergirl. I started dating a man from my church just over a month ago, we immediately established that the purpose of our relationship was to explore the possibility of marriage. We have talked about it and prayed about it. We believe that God has brought us together, and we are now getting to know each other more, whilst praying for God to lead us into marriage at the appointed time. We don't know when that will be, whether its 6 months or 6 years, we want to do it in God's timing.

Wow! Let me be the first to extend congratulations to you...

It's hard to find a true Christian man; a man willing to explore the possibility of marriage; wait for marriage before touching your body; and then, with God's blessing, actually marry you.

Never let him go... good luck to you.

 

[firecracker]

To each his own! Two months or two years whatever works.

 

[sithembile]

Thanks for all the advice and encouragement. I will keep you posted.

 

[kitchen_tician]

ITA with Curleedst. I'm not married nor engaged, but I've always believed that a couple should spend at least 4 seasons together before marriage. I think you can get engaged before a year, but I feel it's best to experience a full year with a person before you officially say " I do".

Of course every couple is different and it depends on your relationship and how "in-tuned" you are to God's plan for you.

Congrats Sithembile!

 

[fivefoursweetie]

Great Post
One thing to keep in mind too...in biblical times, arranged marriages were for financial reasons not love, so there was no need ot date...it was kinda a buisness transaction.
Now-a-days, people within Western Europeanized cultures, we typically get married for "love" (or the illusion there of). I personally feel that there is no time limit on how long people should date before getting married, because I do believe that God is possible of ALL things, and with that said, I feel that he can give two individuals dissernment to KNOW that marriage at that point in time is his will for their life. Now every situation is different, and I don't feel that it is possible to make a blanket statement for everyone.
Additionally, I personally don't understand the notion of having a long engagement to "get to know the person better". I am not married and don't even have a man, but I would hope that if a man asked me to marry him...when I say yes, that should not come with contigencies. I feel that saying yes means yes i would marry you right this minute, because I know that you are the one for me, not I think yes, but I'll know in a couple of months. But again, that is my personal opinion, and is not said to down anyone that feels differently....matter fact I would love someone ot explain the rational to me, because I would like ot understand why people do that. Thanks

 

[Puddles]

A Christian friend of mine met her husband and within 6 months, they were married. They still are 15 years later.

I truly believe it's an individual thing. Some people know right away, while others know 2 years later.

Christian or not, a person should know after 2 years if this is the love of their life or not.

Same here. My husband and I got married 6 months after we met and we've been married 18 years

Our pastor holds men's conferences and my husband agreed when the pastor stated....Most men know if they want to be with that woman after 3 months.

But I feel...what works for one...may not work for all. We have been leading a Christian life since the day we met.

Ask God to let you know if he's the one. He will let you know....but you have to listen.