Don't find Love and Fulfillment in Christ

[Shinka]

Okay...so I'm finally saying this because I don't want to be in denial about it. I feel like I can't say this to anyone in my life because I think they will judge me or dismiss me as emotional. I don't find fulfillment and Love in Christ.

I don't know how either. This isn't for lack of trying or counseling. I fasted celibacy for 6 months in beginning of 2008 cause that is what God told me to do. I still yearned for love from a man. I still yearn for companionship and physical comfort.

Maybe I give up on my counseling and "fasting: in different forms too early. I know me not feeling that way in Christ is why I still mourn the death of the only person I knew I could depend on in life, my brother. This is why I stayed in a bad marriage too long, or one could say why i married in the first place. This is why i still yearn for my x-fiance despite his mental abuse.

I can't find fullment in the Lord and I try, I really do try. I can get peace, and foresight from God. I get filled with the Holy Spirit and I speak in tongues as moved by the spirit, and I have experience of prophecy. I've been exorcised of demons etc.

I like the ability to feel God's Love and for it to fulfill my natural yearning to be loved. I've asked for it and still no luck. I mentally know God Loves me. I feel when God is pulling me to come back. I want to be physically feel Loved. You know how a baby yearns for a mother's touch, I yearn for it too. Maybe because I could never depend on my mother and she was verbally abusive too. She was a horrible mother.

I don't know how to fix this problem, as I ultimately feel like it will be my downfall. I don't look after Love from just anyone becaude I have a big wall and I don't love easily, but when I do. I'm overly loyal and when I finally do feel for someone it clouds my judgement.

Anyway back to the point. From reading the brokenhearted thread, How can I have God fulfill this cup that only he can fulfill? I tried so many times and I don't feel it.

 

[Ms.Honey]

Okay...so I'm finally saying this because I don't want to be in denial about it. I feel like I can't say this to anyone in my life because I think they will judge me or dismiss me as emotional. I don't find fulfillment and Love in Christ.

I don't know how either. This isn't for lack of trying or counseling. I fasted celibacy for 6 months in beginning of 2008 cause that is what God told me to do. I still yearned for love from a man. I still yearn for companionship and physical comfort.

Maybe I give up on my counseling and "fasting: in different forms too early. I know me not feeling that way in Christ is why I still mourn the death of the only person I knew I could depend on in life, my brother. This is why I stayed in a bad marriage too long, or one could say why i married in the first place. This is why i still yearn for my x-fiance despite his mental abuse.

I can't find fullment in the Lord and I try, I really do try. I can get peace, and foresight from God. I get filled with the Holy Spirit and I speak in tongues as moved by the spirit, and I have experience of prophecy. I've been exorcised of demons etc.

I like the ability to feel God's Love and for it to fulfill my natural yearning to be loved. I've asked for it and still no luck. I mentally know God Loves me. I feel when God is pulling me to come back. I want to be physically feel Loved. You know how a baby yearns for a mother's touch, I yearn for it too. Maybe because I could never depend on my mother and she was verbally abusive too. She was a horrible mother.

I don't know how to fix this problem, as I ultimately feel like it will be my downfall. I don't look after Love from just anyone becaude I have a big wall and I don't love easily, but when I do. I'm overly loyal and when I finally do feel for someone it clouds my judgement.

Anyway back to the point. From reading the brokenhearted thread, How can I have God fulfill this cup that only he can fulfill? I tried so many times and I don't feel it.

If you put up a wall to keep some out you keep Jesus out also. A wall is a wall and if folks can't breach it then Jesus can't either. You have to be really open-hearted and holding on to past hurts strengthens that wall. You have to tear the wall down and trust God to heal you when others despitefully hurt and use you.

Sometimes we can't "feel" the Love of God. I usually only actually "feel" His love and presence during praise and worship and more intensely during My and His private time together. I'm not physically aware of His presence but I can ALWAYS feel when He's NOT present. We know He's with us because He said He will NEVER leave us and never forsake us.

Are you getting church counseling? Only the church can help you for spiritual issues? How is your private praise and worship and fellowshipping time with Jesus? Do you feel fulfilled afterward?

 

[Raspberry]

God wants us to be honest with Him, and just opening your heart to Him like you have to us will allow you some release. Recently I struggled with depression because of a lot of areas of lack coming to a head in my life. I cried out to the Lord honestly and He's brought me through it and strengthened my heart. I also know that me committing to more prayer and study has broken strongholds in the spirit, so that my heart has been healed and my faith increased.

It starts with faith, you have to believe God when He says He has poured love into your heart and that His love knows no limits. You have to believe Him that His plans for you are awsome and promises in the word trump what you can see with your eyes. Ask Him to renew your mind and change the desires of your hear to meet his will, this is a very important prayer - and most of all believe that He will do it. Ask Him to give you the capacity to see Him for who He is and understand His love. Since God is Love, it is only He that can enable us to know what love really is and how to give and receive love.

To want physical comfort and companionship is normal, and in fact God did not intend for us to lean on Him alone for these things, that's why we are called the body of Christ, each part needs the other. We need each other for spiritual and emotional fellowship. I understand the need to for a romantic relationship, but oftentimes we think that the lack of romantic relationship is the biggest issue when we really need solid mutually beneficial friendships to fill our natural needs for acceptance and comfort. Do you have close Christian female friends that you can vent to, pray with, hang out with, etc? I have prayed for friends before and God met my needs in that area in the past. It's time for me to believe for God to bring the right connections in my life again.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

Okay...so I'm finally saying this because I don't want to be in denial about it. I feel like I can't say this to anyone in my life because I think they will judge me or dismiss me as emotional. I don't find fulfillment and Love in Christ.

I don't know how either. This isn't for lack of trying or counseling. I fasted celibacy for 6 months in beginning of 2008 cause that is what God told me to do. I still yearned for love from a man. I still yearn for companionship and physical comfort.

Don't feel bad. Many people have been there in a variety of ways, not just from the lack of physical intimacy with someone. I think it takes time to find G-d. All things are not going to be in place. That is life and it takes times to live life and learn its lessons. If you are truly seeking closeness with G-d, then allow time to heal you. Don't feel like your progression is going to be another's. If you think you need spiritual counseling, then seek it. Anything that makes your heart better. But don't feel badly that not all has fallen into place...it won't...and when it does, that is the last moment of life when our purpose here is fulfilled. Until then, live and learn and not fret about it. It hurts to live life (boy, does it often hurt) but just know that G-d is there.

 

[Shimmie]

Forgive 'yourself'.

You're expecting too much of yourself to be perfect and no one is nor will we ever be. When Jesus was nailed upon the cross, He too, felt this very same way. He cried out in agony, "My God, My God, why has thou forsaken me?

Wherever you are in the Lord right now, is simply where you are. And from this point in your relationship with Him, allow yourself to live in His love and presence one moment at a time. Don't worry about feeling love or the lack of love for Him, just know and trust in His love for you, which is deeper than the 'void' you feel right now.

You're knocking yourself with expectations which are too high for any human being to carry. Jesus died and carried these burdens and these feelings for you. You don't have to bear them any longer.

The grieving of your beloved brother, the understanding of it not clear; the marriage which didn't heal; the ex-fiance, all indicate that you were expecting to evaporate and be replaced by being one with Jesus.

They have...precious one; they have.

Just take it one moment at a time and the veils of disappointment will unfurl for you to know that you know, that all you've ever wanted in this life is truly manifested in all of it's fullness. No longer will you feel the void, that you are feeling right now.

By sharing your feelings, as you have in this thread, is proving it to be so.

Take heart, dear sister. For God has redeemed you even from this.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

All of the responses have been wonderful and I believe can help you to receive the life in Christ you want.

Okay...so I'm finally saying this because I don't want to be in denial about it. I feel like I can't say this to anyone in my life because I think they will judge me or dismiss me as emotional. I don't find fulfillment and Love in Christ.

This may or may not be true. Alot of times the enemy will convince us that our loved ones will not receive us for whatever reason. He wants you to feel alone so you'll begin to alienate those around you. Don't believe the lie. All you need is one godly, female friend you can trust to open your heart to. Ask that she not respond and just listen if thats what you need. If you truly do not have someone in your life to confide in, pray for a prayer partner, ask your minister for suggestions, or develop a relationship with one of the LHCF sisters. You know we love to talk and help.

I don't know how either. This isn't for lack of trying or counseling. I fasted celibacy for 6 months in beginning of 2008 cause that is what God told me to do. I still yearned for love from a man. I still yearn for companionship and physical comfort.

Ok...know that everything I am about to say I mean in absolute love. I will be honest with you. I am 100% certain you did fast, got counseling, probably read your bible more etc. but there is one thing you did not do. From what I am reading is you did not make a commitment to God to live for him only, regardless how it feels from day to day. It appears you efforts have been focused on "do good so God will bring me a man." If what I am saying is true, do not be discouraged. We are all guilty of it. But as you can see, you cant play God. A true celibacy commitment is not to have engage in any physical intimacy until your husband finds you. If you're having sex again, STOP and repent. Spiritual counseling helps but I believe those true commitments to God come when youre quiet in your room, in tears, fed up, humbled, and ready to surrender it all because you finally realized "I have no idea what I am doing. I cant do this by myself. What is your will for my life? Whatever you want I will do for the rest of my life."

A desire for companionship will probably not go away. It shouldnt because if your desires are godly they are for your future husband so be glad. However, your perspective is wrong. You look at your lack in depression and probably jealousy in others that have companionship. Instead of optimism that God is preparing me and my husband for each other. Be careful of feeling anxious for anything, Satan brings counterfeits in sheep's clothing and a lot of men prey on the desperation that anxiousness can bring.

Maybe I give up on my counseling and "fasting: in different forms too early. I know me not feeling that way in Christ is why I still mourn the death of the only person I knew I could depend on in life, my brother. This is why I stayed in a bad marriage too long, or one could say why i married in the first place. This is why i still yearn for my x-fiance despite his mental abuse.

I am sorry for the loss of your brother. I pray he is peacefully in the hands of God. Often times God takes things and people in your lives we cherish or hold on to the most. A bad marriage, fiance...we wanted it to work. Why not? After ending my last, long term relationship God's message to me was very clear...He is a jealous God and you will not have anyone or anything before him. Fair or not, He requires being first and if that means you have to go through painful disappointment after disappointment to realize he knows whats best for you than thats a choice you make. As you begin to find your identity in Christ, you will begin to build the confidence and self-esteem like never before. It wont be self-centered but Christ-centered that you know that you will overcome because He does love you and he's better to you than you've been to yourself.

I can't find fullment in the Lord and I try, I really do try. I can get peace, and foresight from God. I get filled with the Holy Spirit and I speak in tongues as moved by the spirit, and I have experience of prophecy. I've been exorcised of demons etc.

I like the ability to feel God's Love and for it to fulfill my natural yearning to be loved. I've asked for it and still no luck. I mentally know God Loves me. I feel when God is pulling me to come back. I want to be physically feel Loved. You know how a baby yearns for a mother's touch, I yearn for it too. Maybe because I could never depend on my mother and she was verbally abusive too. She was a horrible mother.

Forgiveness. If you have any unforgiveness toward your mother or anyone else, it will block you're ability to hear God and God from hearing you. Having a physical need is normal but do not lust after the flesh. Self-control comes from praying for God to protect you from temptation and making a commitment that regardless of how I feel I will seek purity and righteousness in everything I say or do.

Dont make your relationship with God about finding a mate. Your relationship with God should be about fulfilling his will for your life. Make Jesus your man. You know how when you're interested in getting to know a man and making him your "man", you find out all that you can about him and you do the things he likes. The things he does not like, you do those a whole lot less. Well, would God want anything less from you?

I recently brought a purity ring that I will wear on my ring finger until it is replaced with a wedding band. My commitment is simple: He is my first and everything. No sex until I am married. I will seek and apply his will for my life. I will wait until I have confirmation from God through prayer and witnesses that the man he sent to me is truly mine.

I don't know how to fix this problem, as I ultimately feel like it will be my downfall. I don't look after Love from just anyone becaude I have a big wall and I don't love easily, but when I do. I'm overly loyal and when I finally do feel for someone it clouds my judgement.

Ms. Honey is right your walls have to come down but you also have to use wisdom and discernment on who you let into your circle as well. Love everyone. Be a giving machine. I feel God most when I am either giving him worship and praise (listen to a worship song every morning), giving someone loving advice from his word, giving my time to help someone in need. I urge you to stop focusing on what you dont have and focus on how blessed you are currently and start giving. Its in our giving that we realize that God has already given us more than enough. Thats where you find contentment....

Anyway back to the point. From reading the brokenhearted thread, How can I have God fulfill this cup that only he can fulfill? I tried so many times and I don't feel it.

 

[kayte]

Shimmie nailed it....

You're knocking yourself with expectations which are too high for any human being to carry. Jesus died and carried these burdens and these feelings for you. You don't have to bear them any longer.

The grieving of your beloved brother, the understanding of it not clear; the marriage which didn't heal; the ex-fiance, all indicate that you were expecting to evaporate and be replaced by being one with Jesus.

(((((((hugs)))

You can stop judging yourself..believe it or not..your post was a prayer
for help...
you can't do this alone

I posted once
in every person's life there is a certain number of points assigned
to stress events....and that a human being is allowed a baseline number
before reaching emergency level. Most of us do not even realize this ..
we are taught to absorb inhuman thresholds of pain and still perform as high functioning

I think it was like

4 points for job loss
5 points for a death
5 points for dissolution of marriage
2 points for a fight
2 points for minor injury
1 point for fatigue

etc
and that in a year a human could not have more than say 4 points
before being in the danger zone of being traumatized AND IN ACCUTE CRISIS
whether it's acknlowedged or not
and lovely,you have already more than maxed your human threshold


God heard you God knew you were going to feel this and He will meet you
more than half way..
The 'best' Christians at varying points in their life have felt disconnected
from God ..otherwise there would be no need for faith...and God loves you and
will not let you go....even when you let go!

Peter denied Jesus at a terrible point...& what was the first thing
He said to Peter after He rose... PEACE BE WITH YOU~~~

You know how a baby yearns for a mother's touch, I yearn for it too. Maybe because I could never depend on my mother and she was verbally abusive too. She was a horrible mother.

I don't know how to fix this problem, as I ultimately feel like it will be my downfall. I don't look after Love from just anyone becaude I have a big wall and

Shinka... I love Isaiah 49
I feel moved to post it for you

Sing out, O heavens, and rejoice, O earth, break forth into song, you mountains. For the LORD comforts his people and shows mercy to his afflicted.

But Zion said, The LORD has forsaken me; my Lord has forgotten me." Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb?
Even should she forget, I will never forget you.

See, upon the palms of my hands I have written your name; your walls are ever before me. Your rebuilders make haste, as those who tore you down and laid you waste go forth from you; Look about and see, they are all gathering and coming to you. As I live, says the LORD, you shall be arrayed with them all as with adornments, like a bride you shall fasten them on you


a day at a time...whatever baby steps..it takes to keep being open to God ...

reading the CF
opening your bible once a day
just saying Lord Help me
or even
help thou my unbelief

personally I have called on the blood and the name of of Jesus
that has restored me..or the Jesus Prayer has been very powerful

one year..I was so destitute it was suggested that I listen to
Family Bible Radio and read one psalm a day...
at the end of the 145 or so days there was a peace in me
those two actions ...saved me in a year where
there was little to find gratitude

I know a woman who was so hurt inside she made it a goal to walk into a
church every day...she did not ask herself to believe
she just made it a goal to walk in one ...and sit and sometimes prayed
and sometimes sat.
and left....for a year she did this ..and is ..fine..
I have done this too
and I love God so much,now..tho I also have times of being distant
they are few..and I see God's hand more and more in my life
guiding,blessing me.

and so will you...feel His love

I love my mom but I really identify with not being mothered
it was not until I learned to mother myself..giving LOVE to myself through Christ
..after all God IS LOVE.. with loving decisions
that I was able to begin to back away from some of the pain
when you do that LOVE comes to you because you are embracing LOVE in giving it to your Self

a wise person once said to me who knew of my history and anguish with my mom
said...not only do you not need your mother....you need to not need your mother
at least not in the way.. I fantasized. I understood in my head what my friend meant but when I began making loving choices for me ...(instead of the angry mother choices) was when I got it..I could release the expectations of having a perfect mother and being disappointed time and again cas it was never going to happen at least not consistently
but I could as an adult do this ..so here's some ways....

lots of rest,is a MUST
eat three balanced non-sugary meals
soothing hopeful inspiring music
watching silly movies/cartoons to help you laugh..very healing
& do not let go of counseling
being in loving afffirming company
saying ..NO ...instead of feeling forced to give a yes
sating Yes! when joy is given through Grace

and lonliness is a choice,I think, and can be addressed
it can also be confused when one is vulnerable and spiritually drained...for love deprivation ..
as one takes actions..those do not have to mean 'partnering' in the moment altho,
simultaneously one can certainly keep open to that blessed goal.

if you like...pm me..I might have some other resources....
praying for you

 

[Shinka]

If you put up a wall to keep some out you keep Jesus out also. A wall is a wall and if folks can't breach it then Jesus can't either. You have to be really open-hearted and holding on to past hurts strengthens that wall. You have to tear the wall down and trust God to heal you when others despitefully hurt and use you.

Sometimes we can't "feel" the Love of God. I usually only actually "feel" His love and presence during praise and worship and more intensely during My and His private time together. I'm not physically aware of His presence but I can ALWAYS feel when He's NOT present. We know He's with us because He said He will NEVER leave us and never forsake us.

Are you getting church counseling? Only the church can help you for spiritual issues? How is your private praise and worship and fellowshipping time with Jesus? Do you feel fulfilled afterward?[/quote]

This is an interesting way to think about. My wall is usually to most people because I don't trust them. Yes I need to trust in the Lord more, God is more of an often thought once I get really down.

To answer your questions. I received church counseling about 1 and half ago when I first moved to Florida. Then I go a new job and relocated to live with the "x-fiance". Since then I haven't attended church but once or twice. Private Praise and worship is about nill. When I do praise and worship, actually had a session in the car yesterday morning, I feel very refreshed and renewed afterward.

Part of me not trusting is not finding a church home and trying churches out. My home church is in Tampa, my family has been going there for 12 years. Although I didn't live there all that time, it's a level o comfort because I know the pastor's has my family's best interest at heart.

Guess I need to step out there and find a church home. I wish I could do it very internet because I'm such a nomad.

 

[Shinka]

Do you have close Christian female friends that you can vent to, pray with, hang out with, etc? I have prayed for friends before and God met my needs in that area in the past. It's time for me to believe for God to bring the right connections in my life again.

Once of my close friends here is a Christian, but she is having her own struggles in her walk. So I do "vent" to her and we hang out. Actually her and the "x-fiance" are my only friends here.

I really do yearn for more connection with others. Most of my family and friends live in the northeast or hours away. I never thought about praying for friendship. Thank you for the kind words.

 

[Ms.Honey]

If you put up a wall to keep some out you keep Jesus out also. A wall is a wall and if folks can't breach it then Jesus can't either. You have to be really open-hearted and holding on to past hurts strengthens that wall. You have to tear the wall down and trust God to heal you when others despitefully hurt and use you.

Sometimes we can't "feel" the Love of God. I usually only actually "feel" His love and presence during praise and worship and more intensely during My and His private time together. I'm not physically aware of His presence but I can ALWAYS feel when He's NOT present. We know He's with us because He said He will NEVER leave us and never forsake us.

Are you getting church counseling? Only the church can help you for spiritual issues? How is your private praise and worship and fellowshipping time with Jesus? Do you feel fulfilled afterward?[/quote]

This is an interesting way to think about. My wall is usually to most people because I don't trust them. Yes I need to trust in the Lord more, God is more of an often thought once I get really down.

To answer your questions. I received church counseling about 1 and half ago when I first moved to Florida. Then I go a new job and relocated to live with the "x-fiance". Since then I haven't attended church but once or twice. Private Praise and worship is about nill. When I do praise and worship, actually had a session in the car yesterday morning, I feel very refreshed and renewed afterward.

Part of me not trusting is not finding a church home and trying churches out. My home church is in Tampa, my family has been going there for 12 years. Although I didn't live there all that time, it's a level o comfort because I know the pastor's has my family's best interest at heart.

Guess I need to step out there and find a church home. I wish I could do it very internet because I'm such a nomad.

Can you order your church's services by tape, cd or dvd? If you're in school they may even send them to you for free.

 

[Shinka]

Ok...know that everything I am about to say I mean in absolute love. I will be honest with you. I am 100% certain you did fast, got counseling, probably read your bible more etc. but there is one thing you did not do. From what I am reading is you did not make a commitment to God to live for him only, regardless how it feels from day to day. It appears you efforts have been focused on "do good so God will bring me a man." If what I am saying is true, do not be discouraged. We are all guilty of it. But as you can see, you cant play God. A true celibacy commitment is not to have engage in any physical intimacy until your husband finds you. If you're having sex again, STOP and repent. Spiritual counseling helps but I believe those true commitments to God come when youre quiet in your room, in tears, fed up, humbled, and ready to surrender it all because you finally realized "I have no idea what I am doing. I cant do this by myself. What is your will for my life? Whatever you want I will do for the rest of my life."

A desire for companionship will probably not go away. It shouldnt because if your desires are godly they are for your future husband so be glad. However, your perspective is wrong. You look at your lack in depression and probably jealousy in others that have companionship. Instead of optimism that God is preparing me and my husband for each other. Be careful of feeling anxious for anything, Satan brings counterfeits in sheep's clothing and a lot of men prey on the desperation that

Hey Pretty

When I was doing all those things, it wasn't about a man. Actually, I wasn't thinking about men and I wasn't even yearning for sex. I was focused on God and getting better. Then he appeared, the x-fiance, and distracted me or I let myself be distracted. I was celibate because of an experience and word that I received from God one evening during my nightly prayers. He told me my future and my blessings.

I was focused on the Lord. Now, I feel guilty for turning away from God, his commandment for celibacy.Even recently when I tried to do it for lent I let myself be distracted. I was much stronger then with God.

Just to clarify to everyone, I'm not yearning for a relationship. I don't go looking for me. I'm quite the opposite. I just want to feel God's love. Like how I feel love from a man. Maybe it doesn't work like that, I don't know. Maybe that's why I get easily distracted, because the feeling of being held and caressed, the physical contact ( sexual & non-sexual) is so comforting.

 

[envybeauty]

Wow. I can't really praise and worship at church until I have praise in my heart. I feel like religion is very personal/ very individual bc only God has done different things for different people. I know what God has done for me and I praise him daily for that. I also realize that days when I don't someone has prayed for me to praise him in my own way. That said, don't feel guilty for not finding a church home to have praise and worship. Dont feel guilty for not having the relationships you want or even for not getting over the failed relationships. Too often, folks think you should get over a death, a failure, or a desire within a certain time frame. Well, eveyone's time is different. Just praise him for carrying you through those events. I feel his love the most when I reflect on the things he has done for me out of love.

 

[Shinka]

Kayte

Thank you for such step-by-step advice. I will find someway to spend time with the Lord daily. If it's internet, music, prayer, scripture. Everyone is right I need to heal.

Especially thank you for the scripture and comments about mothers.

Sigh, I feel like alot is weighed on me, but I know I will get through. Let the Lord be my strength.

 

[Shinka]

Can you order your church's services by tape, cd or dvd? If you're in school they may even send them to you for free.

I think they do make DVD's. I never thought about that. I'll ask.

 

[PinkPebbles]

Shinka-

I used to feel the same way until Jesus healed me. He reached the depth of my soul that no other person was able to reach. That's the testimony behind the 'Singles / Brokenhearted' thread.

I went down an unnecessary path that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I believe the Lord heard your cries, and you will experience God's healing power that flows through Emanuel's vein.

The ironic part is that I woke up in the middle of the night to post this, which is the same hour I re-read the chapter in Beth Moore's book that led me to start the 'Singles / Brokenhearted' thread.

Be Blessed:heart2:

 

[juju]

Thank you sistas for all this wonderful advices !

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Thats good to hear. Thank you for clarifying. Like everyone has said, your feelings are normal. You associate love with the feeling of being held, maybe thats why you dont feel God's love because he can not physically touch you....interesting...I think we all feel this way to a degree. But you're in a good place believe it or not. Find a church home, start praying for godly friendships, dive in His word, and continue your praise and worship. With time, you'll one day look up and realize you're not where you were anymore. Hallelujah.

Hey Pretty

When I was doing all those things, it wasn't about a man. Actually, I wasn't thinking about men and I wasn't even yearning for sex. I was focused on God and getting better. Then he appeared, the x-fiance, and distracted me or I let myself be distracted. I was celibate because of an experience and word that I received from God one evening during my nightly prayers. He told me my future and my blessings.

I was focused on the Lord. Now, I feel guilty for turning away from God, his commandment for celibacy.Even recently when I tried to do it for lent I let myself be distracted. I was much stronger then with God.

Just to clarify to everyone, I'm not yearning for a relationship. I don't go looking for me. I'm quite the opposite. I just want to feel God's love. Like how I feel love from a man. Maybe it doesn't work like that, I don't know. Maybe that's why I get easily distracted, because the feeling of being held and caressed, the physical contact ( sexual & non-sexual) is so comforting.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

My church broadcast the services at 8, 10, and 12 on Sunday and bible study on Tuesday. Until you get your DVDs, if you dont mind a different church, here's the link:

http://www.lifestream.tv/fbc/index_liveevent148.html

I think they do make DVD's. I never thought about that. I'll ask.

 

[Shinka]

Thank you pretty and everyone else for the wonderful advice

 

[Duchesse]

All of the responses have been wonderful and I believe can help you to receive the life in Christ you want.

Wow, I know your response wasn't written to me, but it was indeed written for me.

 

[kayte]

I saw this today...maybe it might help?



What Fits Us For Service
by Elisabeth Elliot

Is there any Christian who does not long for some special experience, vision, or feeling of the presence of God?
This morning it seemed to me that unless I could claim such I was merely going through motions of prayer, meditation, reading; that the book I am writing on discipline will prove to be nothing but vanity and a striving after wind.

The Lord brought yesterday's word to mind again with this emphasis: it is not any experience, no matter how exciting, not any vision, however vivid and dazzling, not any feeling, be it ever so deep that fits me for service.

It is the power of the blood of Christ. I am "made holy by the single unique offering of the body of Jesus Christ" (Heb 10:10), and by his blood "fit for the service of the living God."

My spiritual numbness cannot cancel that--the blood will never lose its power.

 

[HeChangedMyName]

I've been there where you are. That feeling of a physical piece of your heart, or that piece of your heart that maybe left untouched by the love of God.
I struggled to fill in that place for years and like you, was overly loyal to people(mostly men) and just for that touch and to hear someone say they loved me, i would put up with so much.

I even had developed a habit of pressing on my heart myself trying to fill it up or at least get some feeling and that habit is hard to break and only since God filled it up have I realized that I actually made that part of my check tender and it's probably deeply bruised from years of pressing it.

I had a wall too. It was built of bricks of mistrust, fear, doubt, negative self image, hurts, regret, unforgiveness and so much more. I had it all glued together with what I thought was me being strong and keeping the faith and trusting God to work things out, but I hadn't been proactive in even acknowledging exactly what the reasons were for each of the problems that made up my brick wall

It wasn't until one day, recently within the past few months actually, that I looked at my situation and my life and all the decisions that I'd made and all of the people who i had put up a brick for and I called out to God and asked him to help me to take it down.

I couldn't do it by myself. I recognized the problem but in my own power I couldn't let any of it go. Fear kept my wall up and kept God out. It's like I trusted him in my head, I knew that he wouldn't fail me in my head, I knew that he wouldn't break my heart in my head, and in my head, everything was perfect, but in my heart things just weren't right. And it's in the heart where God lives in us.

For me, and maybe for you too, I had to get honest with God. I didn't really trust him. I didn't fully love him with every ounce of my being. I blamed him for many of my issues, I hated the fact that he let me be hurt in the first place. I felt like he owed me something for all the heartache because through it all, I still did what I was suppose to do.

I had to deal with the fact that I felt like God had let little ole me down. For 2.5 seconds, I got scared because I thought that I'd get struck down on the spot for thinking such a thought, I told God that I hated him for all the situations he had allowed me to go through. I felt like a kid who screams at their parents "I hate you" and then after you said it you look for the whooping to come. I had screamed at God. I was pissed. I was mad like I was at every man who had cheated on me, every person who had taken advantage of me, lied to me, let me down, etc.

And you know what. . .shortly after that, God reassured me that he had been waiting on me to get "it" for a while. he already knew that I had issues, he knew I blamed him, he knew I had anomosity toward him even though I was doing the right things in my worship and presentation of myself as a Christian. But I wasn't being genuine and authentic with him and he knew that I wasn't doing it intentionally.

When I got frank with God, it is as though I felt his touch. I felt that warmth. That empty untouched spot in my heart felt full.

I'm not going to lie and say that it still isn't a struggle to stay out of the arms of men in ungodly relationships because it is. Or to throw myself full on into fruitless ventures just because it feels good to do fun worldy things. it is, and it has become a concious effort for me not to fall into my old ways. It was easy to live life for the feel good moment.

But everyday, I open up to God more and more. Just be honest with him. He loves you and while it seems very pious to approach him humbly and fearful, on your knees, if you are hiding your true feelings from him, then he knows that you are hiding and may be just waiting for you to get real.

 

[Ije4eva]

Hi Shinka,

I also posted in the brokenhearted thread about the experience I've had so far with Christ filling me. I just wanted to encourage you not to loose heart, because its a journey. I think its Joyce Meyer that said if you give 30 years to the world, you're going to have to give at least 30 to the Lord i.e. the rebuilding takes time. First God really has to tear down the walls and "idols" we have erected in our life that are rusting up our hearts and keeping us from drawing nearer to Him. Our old mindset can be a huge barrier. I really like what prettyface said about the association of physical touch and love, because that's me to a tee! I realized it only recently. I associate touch, being held, with being loved, because that's a natural manifestation in our physical realm. But you know what? I found that Christ can even meet that need. One thing I used to do when I started on my journey is that when I would sleep at night, I'd say "Jesus come and hold me". And in His own way, He would. In a perfect way. Every night, after I said it I would feel this warm, tingly feeling overtake me and I would sleep like a baby! It felt better than anything in this world.

Everyone's love encounters with God are very different. Big or small they are specific to your needs and deeply personal, but the main thing is I completely agree with Ms. Honey when she said that the walls we have in our hearts apply to Jesus too. I had been through a couple of rough years in my life, and when I started on my committed walk, I didn't initially realize that not only did I not really trust others, I barely trusted God! It was like I loved Him, but trusted myself a whole lot more and had my own ideas of "self preservation". I was protecting myself from being hurt by anyone, including Him!

I think my defenses came down as I started to praise and worship Him a whole lot more, because one of first things I found was that I would cry a lot during those times. When I asked people at my church home about this, they told me I was becoming "vulnerable", what a concept! lol. They said God was breaking down my defenses so that I would become more receptive to Him. That was when the real work started. I went on to be really honest with Him about where I was, the parts of my life that I hadn't given over to Him yet, areas where I needed to forgive myself and forgive others. I had to change all my wrong perceptions of Him and learn to see Him for who He truly is. A loving, committed and faithful father. My best friend, and my closest confidant. That part of me that I so yearn to share with an intimate friend or SO, I had to learn to share with Him. And He would respond by showing me that He is deeply concerned about every area of my life. My frienships, my job, my schoolwork, my health, my family. EVERYTHING, you name it, overtime God has showed me that my problems are His problems...PERIOD.

Sister, I just want you to hang in there. It is a process, its been about 3 years and I'm enjoying one of the most wondeful periods now. I still stuggle through eveyday issues, but feel so much more alive. And God has blessed me with GREAT relationships. Becuase remember, He himself said it is not good for man to be alone. We need fellowship with others, but if we don't have that solid foundation and trust in Him, our life and relationships will continue to be incredibly shaky. Now that I trust God more, I'm not so afraid to trust others because I know that they don't have the power to truly hurt me, I have everything I need in Him. Even if I get disappointed, I remember that God's brought me back from anything I've been through, what can man possibly do to me?

I pray that you'll continue to let your guard down for Him, let Him undo the years of pain in your life, and persevere in building an amazing intimate relationship with Him that none other will compare to. Draw close to Him and let Him do the rest. He is absolutely ready to show you just how much He loves you.

 

[PaperClip]

Please forgive me if this post is coming from left field....

Exodus 34:14 (Amplified):
For you shall worship no other god; for the Lord, Whose name is Jealous, is a jealous (impassioned) God....

So in October 2008, the Lord implemented in me through the prophetic a stage of recovery: recovery of my spirit, soul, and body. A recovery of my heart. (I've mentioned this in detail in a couple of threads). I was preparing to leave the Lord, the church, everything. I was at the end. My heart had been broken by disappointment, depression, lack of fulfillment, so on and so forth. So of course I wasn't trying to hear anything about the Lord, from the Lord, I was DONE. But the Lord called me by name and brought me back to HIMSELF.

Please hear/read me clearly: I believe that the Lord would have us connected with a local church body; but that ultimately our relationship is a DIRECT ONE with HIM. It's not an either/or, but the DIRECT RELATIONSHIP with the Lord is critical to even being able to connect with a local church body.

What I have discovered in His visitation to me of total recovery is that it's ALL ABOUT HIM, which is why I began my post with the scripture of the Lord being a JEALOUS GOD. It's got to be ABOUT HIM. Just the other week--you talk about wanting to feel the embrace of a man and all that (and there's nothing wrong with that; I want that, too)--it's like I was feeling all that and I just said "Lord, can I get a hug from You?" and I just started to whisper how much I loved Him and and adored Him and not seconds later I felt the overwhelming presence of the Lord upon me. I know it was Him because it's the same, unexplainable, presence that no earthly thing can mimic. I couldn't stand it for long....

It's already been said here by so many dear sisters about being TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY HONEST with the Lord about what you're feeling. How you feel neglected and unfulfilled and abandoned. I promise you that He loves you and He is waiting to help you and meet you where you are.

I've been hugged by a man. No earthly man can hug you like the Lord can. Trust!

Peace to you.

 

[Irresistible]

This thread is soooooo beautiful ladies! :Rose:

 

[crlsweetie912]

OP also try http://www.streamingfaith.com/Default.aspx?bhcp=1
LOTS of churches are broadcasting there. It's free and you can watch anytime until you find your church "home"

Love you in the Lord Sis...

 

[blazingthru]

also another way to draw closer to God is by helping others. It takes your mind off of you and onto helping others then your problems are your concerns or burdens or not as heavy as they once were. I know how you feel to some degree, since I am alone and taking care of my family alone. Its overwhelming at times, but I don't pay it no mind I just keep moving forward but some how my body will shut down on me and I end up with panic attacks and I have no ideal where it came from. I don't feel stress I feel fine. I am not fine I am not doing well at all, So I give it over to the Lord and when I am giving to others and doing for others I am not so focused on me anymore and what I lack and what I feel like I am missing and I end up not having stress situations and panic attacks I don't want to be on meds so I have to always give and be more helpful to others so It won't be about me. Your life right now might not seem the best that you think it is but I am sure almost positive that one day your story will be a blessing to someone else.

 

[Shinka]

Foxyscholar, Ije4eva, SuperNova


Thank you for sharing your experiences and testimonies. To some degrees I don't trust God, and for most of my life God is an afterthought after I tried every way to help myself. I've only had to depend on myself. Since I was a child I felt God was punishing with my life. I had my shouting matches with God and I've been very honest. You're right I still harbor some feelings I need to work through.



blazingthru,
Thank you for the advice. I'm a community organizer and I work for others everyday. I think I'm "helped" out. I am at the point where I mentally feel drained from trying to meet or help others meet their needs, but no one is doing that for me or I'm not making time to do that for myself. I'm a pretty selfless person which is probably another reason why I'm stress.


I wish so badly I could just retreat from life a little while. I have done this for a month or two, but then I get antsy about not working or "doing something productive". I wish I could just go away and focus on me, so I can heal. My bipolar is helpin right now. I mad an appointment to see a psych. for some meds to help me through because I'm depressed. I too keep getting these anxiety attacks. I'm trying to stay prayed up, but it's very hard when I don't know what's going to happen next. I'm great at planning and having plan b,c,d. Right now I can hardly think.


Anyway, thank you ladies. I have listened and heard your advice.

 

[Shinka]

I'm really frustrated today. I feel like I've been praying, and I had the honest talk with God and I've read some helpful scripture ( especially Psalm 25). I still feel lost, depressed, and sad. Anxiety is really getting a hold of me. I keep asking God to help me. I hear nothing but my own thoughts.

My thoughts: I don't know if I should trust them or not. I was talking to my brother yesterday and he told me to just be joyous and think of all the people who are worst off.

The mentality and thought process doesn't help me. Of course there are people in worst situations and there always will be no matter how low at the bottom one is. I'm not in their situation. I'm in my situation, and I need help and it's too much for me right now.

Anyway, I need to vent and I feel like I've been venting to God and nothing is happening. Off to the psychriatrist to spend my last few dollars on a copay and medicine. Maybe once my mind quiets itself, I can hear.

 

[Ms.Honey]

I'm really frustrated today. I feel like I've been praying, and I had the honest talk with God and I've read some helpful scripture ( especially Psalm 25). I still feel lost, depressed, and sad. Anxiety is really getting a hold of me. I keep asking God to help me. I hear nothing but my own thoughts.

My thoughts: I don't know if I should trust them or not. I was talking to my brother yesterday and he told me to just be joyous and think of all the people who are worst off.

The mentality and thought process doesn't help me. Of course there are people in worst situations and there always will be no matter how low at the bottom one is. I'm not in their situation. I'm in my situation, and I need help and it's too much for me right now.

Anyway, I need to vent and I feel like I've been venting to God and nothing is happening. Off to the psychriatrist to spend my last few dollars on a copay and medicine. Maybe once my mind quiets itself, I can hear.

Eph 6:10Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.

Be patient and fret not. We become depressed when we focus on our own situation. The only remedy I know of is to become involved in the lives of others. Stop focusing on what's wrong. I'm sure you have more good in your life than bad, the bad just magnifies in our mind. Do some volunteer work ,make the time to help others. God blesses us when we help others. Be assured that the Lord Jesus is working on your situation whether you can see Him moving or not.