SIngle Church woment and relationship drama

[Choclatcotton]

What is it with single church women and relationships? Seems like they cant stand to see someone else happy. I had a friend that says so much drama happened during her courtship and marriage with single women, that she was relieved to finally get married and get away. You might have those who felt like "God showed me him first", or "go ahead, it aint gona work anyway", "there's no God in it."

 

[BlkOnyx488]

Your true friends always appear when you are at your happiest.
It's easy to find people willing to be around when you are miserable, but let joy enter your life those same people can become your biggest haters.

Just allow God to lead you and he will also lead you to more supportive true friends
be blessed

 

[aribell]

Your true friends always appear when you are at your happiest.
It's easy to find people willing to be around when you are miserable, but let joy enter your life those same people can become your biggest haters.

Just allow God to lead you and he will also lead you to more supportive true friends
be blessed

Oh my gosh how this is true! Tell me why my "bff" was so there when I was in a bad way, but as soon as I started being happy, moving forward, etc., she's nowhere to be found.

Anyway! Um...I don't know about the single church women issue. I do remember that there was a guy bible study teacher who got engaged. And apparently several young women approached him to say that God had told them that he was their husband (not his fiance's). I think that there can be waaay too much overspiritualization and honestly immaturity in young Christian circles. "Prayer" takes the place of common sense. And people haven't really learned the difference between God's voice and their own.

Add to that the disparity between the number of Christian men and women, especially in black churches, and I can see how it all creates a perfect storm for drama.

 

[Glib Gurl]

ITA with Nicola - plus I think it's a lot of frustration on the part of the women (physical, emotional, and spiritual). They have been told for years that once they "get themselves together" and "accomplish what God has for you to do as a single," that they will find, er, excuse me, be found by Mr. Perfect. So they immerse themselves in church - weekly Bible study, usher board, praise team, pay their tithes and offerings, etc., etc. Yet, they still find themselves among a sea of other single women in the congregation fighting over that one single man. I don't know who is to blame for this, but Christian women have been hoodwinked into thinking that being active in church invokes some sort of quid pro quo with God . . . like He has to send you a good mate since you're doing so much good work in the church. What they don't tell you is that you cannot MAKE God do anything . . . His will is His will, and His timing is His timing.

 

[Keen]

One of my single guy friend told me that he felt so much pressure from the single ladies at his church that he stopped participating in activities outside of regular church service. It was always xyz likes him, ABC was trying to set it up. He felt cornered so he just avoid all of them. He said he didn't want to date anyone at his church because it could be too much drama. That church had a lot of young single people so maybe it's different there.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

I think that there can be waaay too much overspiritualization and honestly immaturity in young Christian circles. "Prayer" takes the place of common sense.

This.



The above statement is one reason why I stay away from "single ministries', and from congregations that have a large young Christian population. In my experience the basis of everything is "getting a man." And many people in these circles become almost fanatical and it just causes excessive drama.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

ITA with Nicola - plus I think it's a lot of frustration on the part of the women (physical, emotional, and spiritual). They have been told for years that once they "get themselves together" and "accomplish what God has for you to do as a single," that they will find, er, excuse me, be found by Mr. Perfect. So they immerse themselves in church - weekly Bible study, usher board, praise team, pay their tithes and offerings, etc., etc. Yet, they still find themselves among a sea of other single women in the congregation fighting over that one single man. I don't know who is to blame for this, but Christian women have been hoodwinked into thinking that being active in church invokes some sort of quid pro quo with God . . . like He has to send you a good mate since you're doing so much good work in the church. What they don't tell you is that you cannot MAKE God do anything . . . His will is His will, and His timing is His timing.

I made reference to this in another thread. Part of the problem is that they are doing that for the main reason of "being found" instead of doing it because they really want to honor God. I find it pretty sickening to say the least. I'm sure that sounds judgmental, but at this point I don't care.

Two weeks ago I had a status message on my Facebook page that garnered a great deal of commentary:
"Stop stressing and praying for him to come. You can attend as many conferences as you want about getting ready to be a wife. The bottom line is that he won't come until it is time, IF he is meant to come. God makes the decision, not you, and you can't rush the process."

But I do want to add that I blame many church ministers and such for this problem. The things you stated above are the messages that are pounded into the heads of single women in these churches. The reality is that you won't have a mate until it is time.

 

[mscocoface]

Singles ministries can be a real trip. I never can understand why they are so drama filled particularly when it should be God filled.

I run to the hills when someone tells me God told me.......This statement makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I use to be quiet when I would here that now I open my mouth and loudly ask well did God tell the other person?

 

[Bunny77]

Oh, so much I could say in so many areas here... But I tend to talk too much, so I'm gonna stay quiet.

Maybe.

 

[HoneyA]

^^^^I am with you Bunny because there is a WHOLE lot that could be said here. What I will say is that all the time I have been going to church, too much focus has been placed on catching a husband or on "getting married". All that I read here and hear from my Christian friends and single ladies in other churches confirms it and it is sad.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

^^^^I am with you Bunny because there is a WHOLE lot that could be said here. What I will say is that all the time I have been going to church, too much focus has been placed on catching a husband or on "getting married". All that I read here and hear from my Christian friends and single ladies in other churches confirms it and it is sad.

Well said.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

*Peeking in*

Great topic of discussion and good points were raised. I feel the awareness of this issue is very important for single women who are going to church with the sincerity of assembling, praising and serving God, and growing spiritually. Because even if you are not that women in church placing yourself there to be found, you will be confused as one, by both the women who are placing themselves to be found and by the men. Even the married Ministers, Pastors, Bishops, and their wives.

So for *US* there really is a way that we must conduct ourselves in an environment where this 'spirit' is. You'll never find a 'perfect' congregation, but as you grow spiritually you will learn how to coexist in a way where it does not affect you.

Last thing I'll say on this, and this is just my opinion. The women who are going to church with this focus, are soooo selling themselves short! I can't wrap my mind around the collective ignorance because it's so backwards. I believe it's low self-esteem and women who continue to let a physical man validate her worth will always deal with low self-esteem. I do truly believe that God wants us to be mated, but the best way for us to be found is to be TRULY worshipping and serving God because THIS is when we are at our spiritual, emotional, even physical best. The brightest glow a woman can have comes from the Holy Spirit. There is nothing more attractive to a man who truly has Christ dwelling in him than a woman who truly has Christ dwelling in her.

The END.

 

[Prudent1]

Oh, so much I could say in so many areas here... But I tend to talk too much, so I'm gonna stay quiet.

Maybe.

'nuff said Bunny77

*Peeking in*

Great topic of discussion and good points were raised. I feel the awareness of this issue is very important for single women who are going to church with the sincerity of assembling, praising and serving God, and growing spiritually. Because even if you are not that women in church placing yourself there to be found, you will be confused as one, by both the women who are placing themselves to be found and by the men. Even the married Ministers, Pastors, Bishops, and their wives.

So for *US* there really is a way that we must conduct ourselves in an environment where this 'spirit' is. You'll never find a 'perfect' congregation, but as you grow spiritually you will learn how to coexist in a way where it does not affect you.

Last thing I'll say on this, and this is just my opinion. The women who are going to church with this focus, are soooo selling themselves short! I can't wrap my mind around the collective ignorance because it's so backwards. I believe it's low self-esteem and women who continue to let a physical man validate her worth will always deal with low self-esteem. I do truly believe that God wants us to be mated, but the best way for us to be found is to be TRULY worshipping and serving God because THIS is when we are at our spiritual, emotional, even physical best. The brightest glow a woman can have comes from the Holy Spirit. There is nothing more attractive to a man who truly has Christ dwelling in him than a woman who truly has Christ dwelling in her.

The END.

ITA especially with the bolded. I remember a few years back after years (plural ladies) of prayer for a new church home I found the church I currently attend. I ran into a couple I knew from my old church who asked how things were going. I was so excited as I explained all of the ministries that were present for all age groups. I started to talk about the events the single's ministry had planned when the husband rolled his eyes and interjected. He proceeded to tell me how that wasn't a good enough reason to have left the church. That is not what the activities we have are like and had nothing to do with me leaving the church. I have never used the church as a meet and greet. Even when I was clubbing and living outside of God's will I was not going to church to meet some man. All joking aside- I've never been that hard up for male attention.

This.



The above statement is one reason why I stay away from "single ministries', and from congregations that have a large young Christian population. In my experience the basis of everything is "getting a man." And many people in these circles become almost fanatical and it just causes excessive drama.

LOL @ young. I want you to know some of the chronologically challenged set get fanatical when new men and women enter the church and it can be ugly to watch too.**In my best Brown imitation** Now let the chaurch say a-mend.

 

[aribell]

Something that I've noticed that I'm not sure what the church can do about is that young Christians seem to be emotionally stunted when it comes to relationships. I know that a lot of Christian women have noticed that many Christian men really don't know how to approach a woman, just take her out, develop a relationship like normal. Sometimes only non-Christian or "Christian" (emphasis on the quotes) men can clearly identify what they want and set a sensical course to getting there.

I know men can feel pressured in church. But I've also experienced a man doing the same thing...not understanding the process of dating to get to know one another, not understanding that even if discerning marriage is the goal that you still have to take the time to build a relationship. Just because we're both Christians and will stick a marriage out doesn't mean that we are compatible or would be good for one another in marriage.

There just seem to be these extremes...either people court and get married or expect to get married straightaway, or they're not holding to godly standards at all. I'm not sure what the church can do to get things back to the middle.

 

[foxee]

I do remember that there was a guy bible study teacher who got engaged. And apparently several young women approached him to say that God had told them that he was their husband (not his fiance's). I think that there can be waaay too much overspiritualization and honestly immaturity in young Christian circles. "Prayer" takes the place of common sense. And people haven't really learned the difference between God's voice and their own.

Unfortunately this happens with older people too. My grandfather was the pastor of a medium sized church and when my granny died, at least 10 women approached him saying "the Lord told me I am going to be your next wife." My granny was barely cold in the ground. That was 15 years ago and my grandfather is still single. He just celebrated his 85th birthday, so if he were going to marry one of those women I think it would have happened by now.

If these ladies feel the Lord has given them confirmation, they should wait for it to come to pass. If He spoke to you, I imagine He would speak to your future husband as well.

 

[Vonnieluvs08]

I go to a church with a young population and at times it seems very confusing. At this age (mid-late 20s) you want to have fun and hang out but also serve God at the same time but there is always a undertone that hanging out will produce more relationships. A lot of the women I hang out with aren't really stuck on marriage since we are all just settling into adult life (bills, jobs, responsibilities) but do hear that clock ticking as we approach 30+. But after watching a couple sermons and yt videos about marriage and relationships it has definitely helped my perception of marriage and where my time and devotions truly lie...serving God and his community.

Personally I could use all those eager women that wanna catch a man by being involved in ministry to join the Women's Ministry...we always need more help.

 

[Choclatcotton]

Re: SIngle Church women and relationship drama

THanks ladies, great input

 

[Love Always]

I always look forward to what you have to say, spill it because it can help somebody .

Oh, so much I could say in so many areas here... But I tend to talk too much, so I'm gonna stay quiet.

Maybe.

 

[Browndilocks]

Interesting. I have a friend in church who recently went through this. In short, the guy proposed to her and gave her a huge ring. It was that eye-catching from across the room kind of huge. It instantly became so many women's point of interest. Someone even approached him in the parking lot and asked if he could really see himself married to my friend. The both of them were so done with it that exactly 4 weeks after they were officially engaged, my friend ceased her original wedding plans. At the end of service last Sunday, they both walked up to the altar and had the pastor marry them. In.Front.Of.EVERYBODY. Her wedding band is even more fabulous than the engagement ring. They showed all the haters, ever so well.

 

[Bunny77]

Interesting. I have a friend in church who recently went through this. In short, the guy proposed to her and gave her a huge ring. It was that eye-catching from across the room kind of huge. It instantly became so many women's point of interest. Someone even approached him in the parking lot and asked if he could really see himself married to my friend. The both of them were so done with it that exactly 4 weeks after they were officially engaged, my friend ceased her original wedding plans. At the end of service last Sunday, they both walked up to the altar and had the pastor marry them. In.Front.Of.EVERYBODY. Her wedding band is even more fabulous than the engagement ring. They showed all the haters, ever so well.

Sad.

I think this goes back to what Nicola, Glib and what other women have said. These women see others getting married and wondering why not them? They might not even want that particular man, but the whole idea can get in their heads that they've been SO spiritual, SO "in the Word," SO prayerful, SO whatever... and then ole girl is the one that "gets" the man? Where's the man for them? Or why did THIS man want her? She missed church last week and doesn't serve on Board A, Committee B or go to Bible Study C!

When a mate/marriage are presented as rewards for being a good Christian, instead of a natural and common part of life, this is the result.

 

[Vonnieluvs08]

Sad.

I think this goes back to what Nicola, Glib and what other women have said. These women see others getting married and wondering why not them? They might not even want that particular man, but the whole idea can get in their heads that they've been SO spiritual, SO "in the Word," SO prayerful, SO whatever... and then ole girl is the one that "gets" the man? Where's the man for them? Or why did THIS man want her? She missed church last week and doesn't serve on Board A, Committee B or go to Bible Study C!

When a mate/marriage are presented as rewards for being a good Christian, instead of a natural and common part of life, this is the result.

That is so true!! The ultimate reward only reward we should want for being a believer is eternity with God the Father and Jesus Christ.

 

[Browndilocks]

Honestly I'm torn. Especially after my last break up. On one hand I want to do all of that serving, praying, etc but on the other hand I just wanna throw my freak em dress on and roll the dice with my right hand while sipping the Patron & lime in my left.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

Honestly I'm torn. Especially after my last break up. On one hand I want to do all of that serving, praying, etc but on the other hand I just wanna throw my freak em dress on and roll the dice with my right hand while sipping the Patron & lime in my left.

I want to preface this by saying that I'm not trying to be combative, I'm just trying to understand what you mean.

With your above statement, what about the break up makes you feel torn between doing "all of that serving, praying, etc" and putting on your freak dress, rolling the dice, and drinking alcohol?

 

[nathansgirl1908]

When a mate/marriage are presented as rewards for being a good Christian, instead of a natural and common part of life, this is the result.

Yep. And therein lies the problem. And churches still continue to encourage that line of thinking. The marriage seminar that I was dragged to against my will espoused the same ideas.


On another note, I don't remember if I read it on this forum or heard it from a friend, but I know there was some talk about how so many women left the church where Mase was the pastor, once he got married. Like all these women joined when he first got there and they began helping out in church, coming to all the services, But as soon as he got married, there was a large amount of women who just stopped going to the church. I find that so repulsive.

 

[phynestone]

Sad.

I think this goes back to what Nicola, Glib and what other women have said. These women see others getting married and wondering why not them? They might not even want that particular man, but the whole idea can get in their heads that they've been SO spiritual, SO "in the Word," SO prayerful, SO whatever... and then ole girl is the one that "gets" the man? Where's the man for them? Or why did THIS man want her? She missed church last week and doesn't serve on Board A, Committee B or go to Bible Study C!

When a mate/marriage are presented as rewards for being a good Christian, instead of a natural and common part of life, this is the result.

A million thanks for this post.

The Bible does not promise a spouse or children. I say it to my friends quite a bit. It is quite possible one may live on this earth and never have either. I think the sooner some accept this, the better off they will be. You can always buy a dog.

 

[Laela]

....and why not get rewarded? I believe the problem lies in how some see "reward"... is it a merit or grace? The Bible is clear that those who are faithful to Him are rewarded (blessed)
How does God keep His promises concerning those who are faithful to Him? That's easy... through His Covenant. If the desires of a person's heart is marriage or children, God is Faithful, but that person has to keep their end of the deal. If we are faithful to Him, he is faithful to us- that is the Covenant. And timing is everything. Everything in God's time, not ours.

For those who believe that our only Reward should be to see God and make it to Heaven, is this based on our works or our salvation?

A million thanks for this post.

The Bible does not promise a spouse or children. I say it to my friends quite a bit. It is quite possible one may live on this earth and never have either. I think the sooner some accept this, the better off they will be. You can always buy a dog.

 

[Vonnieluvs08]

I base my answer on salvation.

I know some women who join churches and are "Christians" (IMO) to find a man. They feel that if they do good works and serve (but with selfish reasons/motives) then they should be rewarded with a husband. As though bargaining with God..."See God I did all these things now bless me with a husband" and miss that the reason that as Christians (IMHO) we are to give God the glory, spread the Gospel and look forward to spending eternity with him. Now if you can honor God in a marriage then surely be married but i think our hearts have to be in the right place. God knows what's in our hearts and will fulfill those desires.

Sometimes I think churches have lifted marriage up on this pedestal and not the world.

 

[PinkPebbles]

I base my answer on salvation.

I know some women who join churches and are "Christians" (IMO) to find a man. They feel that if they do good works and serve (but with selfish reasons/motives) then they should be rewarded with a husband. .

True...and you hit the key words selfish reasons / motives.

We should go to church to serve, worship, and fellowship. If your heart is not sincere and pure then you will ultimately be disappointed. As a result, you will blame God for not having a mate...And some take it to the extreme and leave the church and abandon their relationship with God all together...

 

[phynestone]

....and why not get rewarded? I believe the problem lies in how some see "reward"... is it a merit or grace? The Bible is clear that those who are faithful to Him are rewarded (blessed)
How does God keep His promises concerning those who are faithful to Him? That's easy... through His Covenant. If the desires of a person's heart is marriage or children, God is Faithful, but that person has to keep their end of the deal. If we are faithful to Him, he is faithful to us- that is the Covenant. And timing is everything. Everything in God's time, not ours.

For those who believe that our only Reward should be to see God and make it to Heaven, is this based on our works or our salvation?

I understand what you're saying, but as other ladies have already stated, some have the wrong motives. The Bible also speaks about it, when we pray and ask God for the things we want, we sometimes ask in order to fulfill our fleshly desires that may be unclean.

I do acknowledge God continues to bless us, even when we don't "deserve" his blessings.

 

[Bunny77]

A million thanks for this post.

The Bible does not promise a spouse or children. I say it to my friends quite a bit. It is quite possible one may live on this earth and never have either. I think the sooner some accept this, the better off they will be. You can always buy a dog.

See, I don't agree with this... and I don't promote acceptance of this idea.

And this is where I get controversial.

While the Bible might not promise a spouse or children, I don't think getting married is akin to winning the lottery either.

Marriage is a GOOD thing. Marriage is a Godly thing. We desire marriage and a mate because God gave us that desire. It should be celebrated that women want to marry and have children. In fact, my problem with this whole issue is the fact that I think Christians and churches often make it MORE difficult for women to get married by treating marriage and kids as these mystical things that might or might not happen to them.

No other faith-based group of people that I know of have a mindset that their women might not get married. The community believes that family is the foundation and there is no question that their children will be married. They will ensure that it happens -- in fact, I think one poster mentioned that in her community, a father is seen as negligent if he does not help steer his daughter into a good marriage. It is his duty to her, to the community and to the faith.

If more Christian women met more marriage-minded men, more would be married. It's that simple.

Of course, this is the issue the black church is dealing with, but I know a lot of Christian churches discourage dating methods that could bring Christian women in contact with more marriage-minded men. I've listened to so many sermons in which a pastor criticizes online dating or speed dating, or something else like that. Now, it's up to you if you want to pursue any such methods or not, but they are not WRONG if you do try them. But leave it up to some people, and they thwart all sorts of avenues that would allow women to encounter more possibilities.

Do I think marriage is a "reward?" No. I think marriage is as normal a stage of life as everything else that people do. Now a good marriage can be considered a reward, and of course, that's what we all want. But this whole idea that one might be waiting indefinitely for it and that it's something totally out of our hands? That's anathema to all historical, religious and social evidence.