Relationship worth saving?

[Trini"T"]

Relationship worth saving? Updated

Hello everyone I have been in a relationship with someone for about 3 and a half years. We love each other and plan to get married some day. HOWEVER, when I fist met him I didn't really take my relationship with God seriously and was indeed of the World. However, during this relationship I have changed and have gotten much closer to God. So you can see the problem here...I changed but he didn't. I tried to get him to change too but later learned that you can't MAKE someone want to have a meaningful relationship with God. They have to want it for themselves. I don't want to be with or married to an unbeliever but I don't think it's fair that because I'm the one that changed he has to suffer the consequences (us breaking up ) Also since I really wasn't close to God before, we were of course having sex. However, when I got closer and actually started to have a meaningful relationship with God I decided that I can't continue to disobey Him like that...so we stopped having sex. I consider this huge you guys because most guys would not stand for this especially if you already started having sex. It wasn't something easy either, we almost broke up until he decided that I was more important to him than that was. This is part of why I am so confused about whether I should end this relationship or not because he made that major step for me. Well, you guys sound like some Holy Ghost-filled women so I want your opinions on this matter.


UPDATE on page 2

 

[Supergirl]

First of all,

Congratulations on your life change!

Now about your SO--I am certain that you won't be able to have a peaceful, happy marriage when one of you is connected to God and one of you isn't. So, I certainly don't recommend that you get married to this man unless he too becomes saved.

It was rare of him to continue to being with you after you decided to no longer have sex with him.

He doesn't sound like a bad guy, so if you choose to stay in a non-marital relationship with him--that will be up to you. But definitely do not marry him until the two of you are equally yoked.

Give your marriage a fighting chance by marrying someone that relates to God as you do.

 

[SweetCaramel1]

i agree with Supergirl. to start off a marriage disagreeing on a matter of such importance is a no no

but honestly if he stayed with you without sex, that is a sign of a good man. hopefully he'll find God soon. but be prepared in the event that he doesnt.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

I would cut ties now. You sound as if you're already in deep, and while I applaud his decision to stay in spite of you choosing not to have sex, that would have been expected, IMO. I mean, your body is yours, and I've said this before, but I'll say it again...a man is not entitled to your body just b/c you've given it to him before. Dudes kill me with that. Until there is a ring on your finger, you owe him nothing.

The reason I say cut ties now is b/c I was in a similar situation minus the sex part. He was raised in the church, and he strayed, but my hope was that he would re-kindle his relationship with God in time for us to get married. That was the wrong approach altogether, but I was young and didn't know better. I allowed the relationship continue until I sorted through some things and was able to see that you can't change people. I would never want him to going to church or serving God on my account...I'd want him doing those things out of his own love and passion for God. I would have to plead with this dude to get him to go to church with me, and it was so frustrating and disheartening. I thought, "Do I really want to marry this type of man? Do I want him as an example for my children?" The answer was a resounding no, and that's when I knew it was time for me to go. Because after that, what is there to stay for? If you consider your spirituality a non-negotiable part of your life, then there's nothing left to discuss, and the situations usually only get worse. I guess you could stay to just enjoy having a boyfriend or being in a relationship for GP, but if you're looking to settle down and get married, it's probably in your best interest to move on. Oftentimes, the man God has for us passes us b/c we're too busy entertaining folks we *know* are not for us.

The fact that you've grown closer to God should be even more motivation for you to not be unequally yoked. Having a partner who isn't of God can be a NIGHTMARE for a devoted Christian/spiritual being. So, my reasoning is, leave before you get to a point where you feel you can't...I use can't with the idea of you not being able to leave out of a feeling of obligation b/c you've been with him so long, and you love him. The fact that this has even crossed your mind is an indication that it bothers you on some level, and that is probably some kind of spiritual guidance that should not be ignored.

I'd get out while I had any inclination to do so...

Sorry if this sounded rude or harsh, but I just tend to be unapologetically honest sometimes. My intentions are good.

 

[MysTori]

Hi DI,

I just wanted to say that I got alot from what you just said. I am in a situation similar to that, but it is so difficult to let go. Today, I told him, in a letter, that the best thing for us is to separate. I am trying to change my ways and mold my thinking to the things of GOD. He is just the opposite and no where near that. I love him, but it's killing me to try and please him and GOD and alot of times it has me thinking to myself that I'm cheating GOD because I'm splitting my time and attention instead of devoting 100% to GOD. It's ok to work on pleasing GOD and your mate, but we're not even married.

I just wanted to say that you and the other christian members have provided alot of support and wisdom in your words. Thank you ladies so much. I just started visiting this forum last month, but it is fast becoming my daily food for thought.

 

[FlyyGyrl]

I think the first move is to pray about it. Ask God for guidance and the strength to do what is right. Personally I think you should let go now. I heard this on the Bible Network and it is true: It is easier to say no to the first temptation than to try to say no after Satan has a hold on you. Say no now. If you wait you might get to a point where you feel its impossible to let go or you will willingly go down the wrong path. If it is meant to work, then it will. Let go and let God. Put him first. Practice his will to the best of your ability. The time is now.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Hi DI,

I just wanted to say that I got alot from what you just said. I am in a situation similar to that, but it is so difficult to let go. Today, I told him, in a letter, that the best thing for us is to separate. I am trying to change my ways and mold my thinking to the things of GOD. He is just the opposite and no where near that. I love him, but it's killing me to try and please him and GOD and alot of times it has me thinking to myself that I'm cheating GOD because I'm splitting my time and attention instead of devoting 100% to GOD. It's ok to work on pleasing GOD and your mate, but we're not even married.

I just wanted to say that you and the other christian members have provided alot of support and wisdom in your words. Thank you ladies so much. I just started visiting this forum last month, but it is fast becoming my daily food for thought.

You're welcome mama! I wish you the best of luck in your situation

 

[star]

I would based on the background you gave go see a Chrisitan counselor. When you both met both of you were not saved so I would give him a chance to see what is in his heart. If you were trying to change him this could have been a factor on why he held back. For men it is very important to live and be example and not be pushy with nothing. See a Christian counselor maybe your Pastor can really help him open his eyes on what he should do. Since you are engage your Pastor should be willing to see you. Be prayful and love him as God would love him. God may use this situation to open his eyes but yes it must be his idea. I would not recommend marrying someone who is not saved but exposed him to spiritual pre-marital counselor first and see what happens. Be praying all the way and fasting too! I would not throw in the towel yet. This kind of thing happens all the time. Try to be there for him and love him as a friend.

 

[MysTori]

iiBBii,

I posted a long story on here but took it down.

Basically, I haven't heard from or seen him since Saturday morning. We will have talked by Tuesday evening and I will let you know what happened. Thanks for asking.

t9

 

[Trini"T"]

Oh okay Teressa.

Star, see I am thinking like you. As I stated before I don't think it's fair to just end it because I'm the one who changed first because you are right in the beginning both of us were not saved technically. I see what you are saying about the Christian counseling but we're not officially engaged (there's no ring on the finger )but I think it is a good idea anyway. Also I do agree with you and all the other ladies that I should not marry him...that is definite I like what Superherogirl said

Give your marriage a fighting chance by marrying someone that relates to God as you do.

I truly agree with these words

 

[star]

Oh okay Teressa.

Star, see I am thinking like you. As I stated before I don't think it's fair to just end it because I'm the one who changed first because you are right in the beginning both of us were not saved technically. I see what you are saying about the Christian counseling but we're not officially engaged (there's no ring on the finger )but I think it is a good idea anyway. Also I do agree with you and all the other ladies that I should not marry him...that is definite I like what Superherogirl said
I truly agree with these words

Try the Christian counseloring regardless of the ring it is well worth the money if you do not use your Pastor.

 

[ArrrBeee]

I will just put myself out here. I am unequally yoked. I always went to church but really didn't know the Lord.

I lived with my then BF and now DH before marriage. About 3 years into the relationship, I began to get closer to God. This caused major relationship problems.

I would like to say that almost 6 years later that things are better but they aren't. It is hard being married to someone that you can't share your spiritual life with. He has made some changes, but he still is not saved.

If I were in your shoes, I would walk away. With counseling you run the risk of him learning to say what you want to hear.

Even if he does commit his life to Christ, make sure it is a solid committment and that he has strong godly men in his life to guide him.

If I had to do it all over again and I was where I am now I WOULD NOT marry or date someone who I was unequally yoked with.

 

[sithembile]

I agree with Not Rapunzel, walk away. It will not be easy but that is thde cost of following Jesus, being willing to forsake everything else. It is because He loves you and wants to protect you that God doesn't want you to be unequally yoked. I was in your exact position 4 years ago and if I had walked away, I would have saved myself from the pain, drama and other consequences.

 

[Trini"T"]

He has made some changes, but he still is not saved.

Not Rapunzel, are you able to give me some detail on this? What changes has he made and what are some of the things that he didn't? You can PM if you'd like

 

[ArrrBeee]

I sent you a PM.

 

[Trini"T"]

UPDATE

Update: I broke up with dude January 2007after 4 ½ yrs! God refused to allow me to be comfortable in the relationship (Amen). It was clear to me that we were going down different roads. He likes to engage in the things of the world and I don’t. I love Jesus Christ as my personal savior and he does not. He was not ready to change and I couldn’t nor shouldn’t make him. I decide to break things off because I felt as if we were wasting each other’s time. What was the use if I was not going to marry him due to his unbelief?

We tried to do the friend thing (his idea) but all of the feelings we had for each other were still there. What kind of friends make out? Anyway, I decided to cut him out of my life completely until I’m totally healed from this. It hurt so bad ya’ll but praise God, Jesus is better!!

I love God and His Word so much because I see the logic in it. He tells us not to engage in sin for a reason. It’s not to keep us from having “fun”, it’s to protect us. I know all breakups after long-term relationships are hard but I know I wouldn’t have hurt so much if I had not had sex with my ex. It just feels like a piece of me is gone now. I’m almost done grieving that part of me but the worst is definitely over! I could NOT have done it without Jesus.

I also want to thank ya’ll for giving it to me straight and not sugar-coating! It was greatly appreciated and not ignored! The truth may hurt sometimes but I’m all for it!

 

[chica_canella]

I am so glad be for you! You did the right thing. Glory be to God and you will have your piece of the pie one day, so don't worry.

I use to stress over guys and when I will have that perfect boyfriend and I always kept falling into the wrong relationship dynamics. So, now I am just going to live my life and seek God and I know when God is ready for me to have my mate he will be there.

Sometimes, I look at the pics of the weddings and babies, and families and think, "Awww, I want to get married" or "I want to have a baby." I know though that someday it will happen. And when it does I will let you all know. LOL

 

[Blackoutzangel05]

My first suggestion is to pray over the matter. If God is telling you that this man is not the one than he isn't and as hard as that may be you are going to have to continue to be obidient and trust that God is going to provide you someone that is in His will.

My next suggestion to you, is to not be fooled by him giving up sex to be with you. Although that is a great gesture in his love for you, I have seen men use that as a trick. I don't know this young man, so I am not going to pass judgements on him but just be weary.

Now when you say he is a non-believer, he doesn't believe in God? Or he just doesn't practice the way that you think he should? There is a difference there. My husband is a believer in God but didn't attend church regularly. Partly because he couldn't find a church he liked and partly because he was too lazy to look. So please be clear that just because someone doesn't attend church doesn't make them a non-believer. There are plenty of people that believe and love the Lord but have problems with churches in their area. Now I am a believer that all Christians should go to church to fellowship with one another but that is how I was raised.

HTH somewhat....

 

[Trini"T"]

My first suggestion is to pray over the matter. If God is telling you that this man is not the one than he isn't and as hard as that may be you are going to have to continue to be obidient and trust that God is going to provide you someone that is in His will.

My next suggestion to you, is to not be fooled by him giving up sex to be with you. Although that is a great gesture in his love for you, I have seen men use that as a trick. I don't know this young man, so I am not going to pass judgements on him but just be weary.

Now when you say he is a non-believer, he doesn't believe in God? Or he just doesn't practice the way that you think he should? There is a difference there. My husband is a believer in God but didn't attend church regularly. Partly because he couldn't find a church he liked and partly because he was too lazy to look. So please be clear that just because someone doesn't attend church doesn't make them a non-believer. There are plenty of people that believe and love the Lord but have problems with churches in their area. Now I am a believer that all Christians should go to church to fellowship with one another but that is how I was raised.

HTH somewhat....

Giiirl, I wrote started this thread a yr. ago I just wanted to give an update on the situation. Maybe I should've started a new thread? erplexed However, to address your question about if he believes in God as to why I'm calling him an unbeliever, I don't believe that the mere belief in God makes you a believer(or saved). Satan believes in God too. The ex lives his life in a way that says "there's no God". He has no relationship with Him.

I agree with you about the church thing. It is important to fellowship with other believers but it is a religious act that cannot ensure salvation. I believe that having a relationship with Jesus Christ is more important than just following religion. So girl I am well aware that there is some unsaved folk in church

 

[Blackoutzangel05]

Nah, I should have checked the dates! No problem...but I am glad to see that you have moved on and despite the hurt you felt are doing well....