My Pastor Got A Divorce….

[Holla]

….and I feel some kind of way about it.


(Background: He was married for 15 years. He is 41. His ex-wife was not a very active first lady in the church so members were not attached to her unless they knew her personally. They have two young boys. He has been pastor of this church for 5 years).

I don't know how to process this. I don't know why they got a divorce. I have only heard rumors but those don't matter to me because they have not been substantiated.

I knew he was getting a divorce because he announced it last year. I was mellow about it then. What got me was when I first saw him without his wedding ring, it hit me that it was real.

 

[Laela]

I'm truly sorry to hear that about your pastor Holla. Divorce affects everyone not just the couple involved. We know God has all the answers, though. That's reassuring... Keep the faith!

 

[Holla]

I'm truly sorry to hear that about your pastor Holla. Divorce affects everyone not just the couple involved. We know God has all the answers, though. That's reassuring... Keep the faith!

Thanks -- You are right!

 

[Shimmie]

….and I feel some kind of way about it.


(Background: He was married for 15 years. He is 41. His ex-wife was not a very active first lady in the church so members were not attached to her unless they knew her personally. They have two young boys. He has been pastor of this church for 5 years).

I don't know how to process this. I don't know why they got a divorce. I have only heard rumors but those don't matter to me because they have not been substantiated.

I knew he was getting a divorce because he announced it last year. I was mellow about it then. What got me was when I first saw him without his wedding ring, it hit me that it was real.

Holla

Hi Sweetheart. I'm sorry about this news. It hurts on so many levels and it is disappointing in a very painful way.

It 'messes' with one's faith and I'm being real. Thoughts begin to rise up and you have questions that are not only 'why' but if it happen to them (in whom I believed and cared about) can it happen to me as well? How can I believe or trust 'him' again? How can he 'minister' to me about truth or about the importance of family and marriage?

I've been there, Sweetheart... I've been there and it hurt.

Don't lose your faith. It's not about what others do or don't do, it's about what you do and to keep your faith in God and not in man.

 

[Holla]

Holla

Hi Sweetheart. I'm sorry about this news. It hurts on so many levels and it is disappointing in a very painful way.

It 'messes' with one's faith and I'm being real. Thoughts begin to rise up and you have questions that are not only 'why' but if it happen to them (in whom I believed and cared about) can it happen to me as well? How can I believe or trust 'him' again? How can he 'minister' to me about truth or about the importance of family and marriage?

I've been there, Sweetheart... I've been there and it hurt.

Don't lose your faith. It's not about what others do or don't do, it's about what you do and to keep your faith in God and not in man.

It does hurt…and you are right about my questions. I do wonder how I can listen to him continue to preach about family, marriage, etc. knowing that they parted. Thanks for your kind words, Shimmie.

 

[Nice Lady]

It does hurt…and you are right about my questions. I do wonder how I can listen to him continue to preach about family, marriage, etc. knowing that they parted. Thanks for your kind words, Shimmie.

In those situations, the first person you go to is God about what to do in those situations. If you have been walking with God and have a relationship with him, then you know that there are some answers you will not know here on this earth. There are some answers that we will receive in heaven: Why did this happen? Not everything will make sense even after years have passed. Pursuing him and staying connected to him is important. Now, what do I mean or who do I mean? GOD.

Follow God, not man! This will help you live victoriously in life!

 

[Holla]

In those situations, the first person you go to is God about what to do in those situations. If you have been walking with God and have a relationship with him, then you know that there are some answers you will not know here on this earth. There are some answers that we will receive in heaven: Why did this happen? Not everything will make sense even after years have passed. Pursuing him and staying connected to him is important. Now, what do I mean or who do I mean? GOD.

Follow God, not man! This will help you live victoriously in life!

Very true! Thanks for the encouragement! Nice Lady

I guess it just caught me by surprise but everyone has their own path in life so I have to accept that for them. I have my own path and seeking God will help me to understand if and when the time comes.

 

[Shimmie]

It does hurt…and you are right about my questions. I do wonder how I can listen to him continue to preach about family, marriage, etc. knowing that they parted. Thanks for your kind words, @Shimmie.

 

[Iwanthealthyhair67]

I know you're hurting right now but keep your Pastor his family and the congregation in prayer...I'm praying for you also.

 

[Holla]

I know you're hurting right now but keep your Pastor his family and the congregation in prayer...I'm praying for you also.

Thanks Iwanthealthyhair67 for your prayers!

 

[LadyRaider]

I'll make you feel better:
My very handsome pastor got divorced. I hardly remember his first wife. She was silent, frumpy and never smiled.

Now I think the Minister of Families (a female) got divorced from her husband (the Minister of College Students) a short while before or after that. The Minister of College Students disappeared from the church and I didn't see him again. He was a great guy.

My Minister had 2 twin boys at the time (Now they are VERY handsome young men in their 20s.)
The Minister of Families had a cute little girl at the time about the same age as the boys.

Eventually my Pastor MARRIED the Minister of Families! (Of course she'd resigned her position well before the marriage!)

So the double divorce was shocking enough! But when they got married! Yikes.

He was young (40s) when this happened. He never got another job. I have a feeling he's gifted enough to have gone to a bigger church if this hadn't have happened.

I accept a flawed messenger if the message is good. I don't expect anyone to be perfect. If I don't see the flaws, it's just because they are hidden. So I was fine with him delivering God's message to me. He is good at it.

My one little niggle is that the lady he married had been a tall, impressive lady. Beautiful, elegant and just full of life and leadership and potential. She was a front of the room lady, a lady who drew your eye.

I remember one of the college students asked her first husband how he knew she was the one. I remember he smiled and said, "I love tall, elegant blondes." (She was actually a little taller than he was.) But the tall, elegant blonde was gone once she married my pastor.

Once they married she became the prototypical preacher's wife. Silent in the front pew of the church. And she got really dumpy and unattractive. They are still together and it's been 20 years (at least) but that bothers me. Somehow her light dulled in all of this. Then again maybe she's happier frumpier and not on the stage. This marriage has lasted longer than the first two combined at this point.

 

[Holla]

LadyRaider....that is one interesting story! Interestingly enough, my former first lady was quiet and demure too when they were married. I was not used to that as first ladies at other churches I belonged to in the past were quite active and vocal in the church. I thought it was odd...but then figured maybe it just works for them where he is the big shot and she is quiet as a mouse while he does his thing. Looking back, maybe it was a sign that she chose to instead focus on her marriage because it obviously had problems. I dunno. Like it was said earlier, some questions I'll never have the answer to.


Thanks for sharing the story. It did make me feel better.

 

[JaneBond007]

I'll make you feel better:
My very handsome pastor got divorced. I hardly remember his first wife. She was silent, frumpy and never smiled.

...
I remember one of the college students asked her first husband how he knew she was the one. I remember he smiled and said, "I love tall, elegant blondes." (She was actually a little taller than he was.) But the tall, elegant blonde was gone once she married my pastor.

Once they married she became the prototypical preacher's wife. Silent in the front pew of the church. And she got really dumpy and unattractive. They are still together and it's been 20 years (at least) but that bothers me. Somehow her light dulled in all of this. Then again maybe she's happier frumpier and not on the stage. This marriage has lasted longer than the first two combined at this point.

I don't mean to laugh, making light of this tragic situation, but that was funny. There are plenty of outwardly good pastors etc. and at home, they are monsters to their families. We all answer separately for our lives. Keep on the road.

 

[LiftedUp]

There are plenty of outwardly good pastors etc. and at home, they are monsters to their families. We all answer separately for our lives. Keep on the road.

This is true about many men in general and it is really disturbing.

Divorce is very tragic to me and often is the result of unavoidable circumstances. I would pray for him and his family but honestly I would need to know for a fact why. I cannot worship under a minister who has been mistreating his family. It goes against do much that I stand for as a Christian and person.

 

[LiftedUp]

There are plenty of outwardly good pastors etc. and at home, they are monsters to their families. We all answer separately for our lives. Keep on the road.

This is true about many men in general and it is really disturbing.

Divorce is very tragic to me and often is the result of unavoidable circumstances. I would pray for him and his family but honestly I would need to know for a fact why. I cannot worship under a minister who has been mistreating his family. It goes against do much that I stand for as a Christian and person.

 

[Holla]

This is true about many men in general and it is really disturbing.

Divorce is very tragic to me and often is the result of unavoidable circumstances. I would pray for him and his family but honestly I would need to know for a fact why. I cannot worship under a minister who has been mistreating his family. It goes against do much that I stand for as a Christian and person.

I never thought about that before. I had heard rumors as to why they separated but never gave thought to whether they were true. You are right in that if there was abuse, I would have an issue with him leading the church.

 

[LadyPBC]

I accept a flawed messenger if the message is good. I don't expect anyone to be perfect. If I don't see the flaws, it's just because they are hidden. So I was fine with him delivering God's message to me. He is good at it.

This is it! Everyone who stands before you is a flawed messenger (some more so than others). We all have faults and challenges that we deal with. The divorce was just an outward reflection of the conflicts that they attempted to keep hidden. Who can know how much they were suffering? I say ask God for wisdom and compassion.

This is true about many men in general and it is really disturbing. Divorce is very tragic to me and often is the result of unavoidable circumstances. I would pray for him and his family but honestly I would need to know for a fact why. I cannot worship under a minister who has been mistreating his family. It goes against do much that I stand for as a Christian and person.

It frightens me when we want to dig into other people's personal business. Their issue is between the two of them, their children/family and God. Again I say ask God for wisdom and let Him be the judge.

 

[LiftedUp]

​

This is it! Everyone who stands before you is a flawed messenger (some more so than others). We all have faults and challenges that we deal with. The divorce was just an outward reflection of the conflicts that they attempted to keep hidden. Who can know how much they were suffering? I say ask God for wisdom and compassion.


It frightens me when we want to dig into other people's personal business. Their issue is between the two of them, their children/family and God. Again I say ask God for wisdom and let Him be the judge.

I understand but he's a public person delivering a public message to me so I need to know who I'm getting that message from. It's less of a knowing someone's business issue but knowing the character of the person I'm receiving a message from.

Now for my church we have a governing body who would've vetted the issue as it arose and ensured what I spoke about is adhered to.

 

[Iwanthealthyhair67]

this is very important

I understand but he's a public person delivering a public message to me so I need to know who I'm getting that message from. It's less of a knowing someone's business issue but knowing the character of the person I'm receiving a message from.

Now for my church we have a governing body who would've vetted the issue as it arose and ensured what I spoke about is adhered to.

 

[JaneBond007]

Charles Stanley got a divorce and Chuck Colson and other prominent pastors called for him to step down and publicly repent. But, Stanley never divulged the reasons for their divorce and he and his wife had been separated several times. It is rumored she cheated or so. Why they would want Charles Stanley to repent of something, I dunno. You can't force someone to be married to you. Sometimes, divorce happens and there are irreconcilable differences. I don't know how much information one could ask of a pastor, though. If they do not divulge the reasons, within their civil rights, then, I guess people ought listen to the pastor. If there were charges against abuse etc., which are public information, one could base something off of that.

 

[Laela]

Bolded, well I hope you don't let anything anyone says fuel that.

I'd tend to believe a man who is abusing his own family would abuse his congregation in some form or fashion as well. Did you ever get that feeling about him or see anything that would lead you to believe that about him? Divorce is a real issue to deal with, like with anything else. It tends to hurt more, coming from the pulpit because most people tend to expect ministers/church leaders to live ideal -- sometimes impossible -- lives -- when in reality they don't or can't. From reading what you've posted, it's not clear why they got divorced nor the circumstances surrounded it, so everything is conjecture.

Just the same, the outcome of a major event in a person's life has no bearing on the Gospel of Jesus Christ and won't change the Word of God. People change, His Word remains the same. That's the only Perfection that keeps us in this insane world. So yes, keep believing God and not ever be "surprised" about anything man does. The antics won't stick.

Jesus already taught us to practice His Word, in spite of who teaches it. His Word stands alone. Are we honoring God or man when we obey His Commandments? The children of Israel weren't following Moses, they were following God - through Moses.

Keep soaring.

I never thought about that before. I had heard rumors as to why they separated but never gave thought to whether they were true. You are right in that if there was abuse, I would have an issue with him leading the church.

 

[Holla]

@Bolded, well I hope you don't let anything anyone says fuel that.

I'd tend to believe a man who is abusing his own family would abuse his congregation in some form or fashion as well. Did you ever get that feeling about him or see anything that would lead you to believe that about him? Divorce is a real issue to deal with, like with anything else. It tends to hurt more, coming from the pulpit because most people tend to expect ministers/church leaders to live ideal -- sometimes impossible -- lives -- when in reality they don't or can't. From reading what you've posted, it's not clear why they got divorced nor the circumstances surrounded it, so everything is conjecture.

Just the same, the outcome of a major event in a person's life has no bearing on the Gospel of Jesus Christ and won't change the Word of God. People change, His Word remains the same. That's the only Perfection that keeps us in this insane world. So yes, keep believing God and not ever be "surprised" about anything man does. The antics won't stick.

Jesus already taught us to practice His Word, in spite of who teaches it. His Word stands alone. Are we honoring God or man when we obey His Commandments? The children of Israel weren't following Moses, they were following God - through Moses.

Keep soaring.

Laela -- Yes!
You are right about it not affecting the gospel that he preaches about. God's word is still the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

 

[Laela]

Amein.. Amein and Amein~

Laela -- Yes!
You are right about it not affecting the gospel that he preaches about. God's word is still the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

 

[Kurlee]

This is it! Everyone who stands before you is a flawed messenger (some more so than others). We all have faults and challenges that we deal with. The divorce was just an outward reflection of the conflicts that they attempted to keep hidden. Who can know how much they were suffering? I say ask God for wisdom and compassion.


It frightens me when we want to dig into other people's personal business. Their issue is between the two of them, their children/family and God. Again I say ask God for wisdom and let Him be the judge.

it's nobody's business. People want more info to JUDGE. They need to question WHY they are so tangled up in this man's life.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Holla

I know how you feel. My old pastor (when I was a child) was caught cheating on his wife. He had a baby with another woman. I was shaken up by that for a long time. We stopped going to the church and I'm not sure what ever happened with their marriage. I need to ask my parents.

He died last year. I just found his obituary. He is survived by his wife (same first lady I knew). I'm glad they worked it out.

 

[Holla]

Holla

I know how you feel. My old pastor (when I was a child) was caught cheating on his wife. He had a baby with another woman. I was shaken up by that for a long time. We stopped going to the church and I'm not sure what ever happened with their marriage. I need to ask my parents.

He died last year. I just found his obituary. He is survived by his wife (same first lady I knew). I'm glad they worked it out.

Thanks for sharing!

That's what I'm hoping for….deep down. It feels second only to what I'd feel if my own parents were to divorce. Like a kid, I'm hoping that they can get over it…..that they can repent, forgive, and seek counseling to get over whatever separated them. As a pastor, he tells tons of stories about how he overcame certain problems in his lifetime…that every believer does at some point. Why not them too right now?!

I know their marriage is not of my personal concern …..not my business per se ….because his preaching should not be affected. The gospel of Christ is still the same. But I can't help but to hope.

 

[JaneBond007]

it's nobody's business. People want more info to JUDGE. They need to question WHY they are so tangled up in this man's life.

lol I feel that way when well-meaning friends tell me that I should leave the RCC because it's not christian. They aren't even referencing the child abuse scandals but they'll show me pics of things like the pope in a non-becoming photo (Beyonce' has them as well) and then say things like, "He's evil, why would anybody in his right mind be a catholic?" I feel that way when you ask questions like the one I introduced regarding pre-marital sex and explain that it's a discussion question only, to get people telling me over and over again that I should go to the charismatics and be slain in the Holy Spirit and pray to such 'n such saint for deliverance. Then others trying to pry and all sorts of things. Sigh...us humans.

When our leaders fall, it hurts everyone but we cannot base the truth off of what others do so much as we need to base our faith off of what He did for us.