Baby Shower...Help!

I am in a quandary ladies and need some advice.

One of my best friends is pregnant out of wedlock. She has no parents or grandparents and only a couple of distant family members. I offered to do the baby shower. Now I'm kind of regretting it and don't know what to do. Here's why;

1. My DH (for reasons I'm not going to go into) strongly objects to our friendship. Hence anything I do with her brings strife to our relationship. I only recently told him I was doing the shower and he looked very disappointed, said, "You're a grown woman, you can do what you want...I love you" and walked away.

2. Money. I know showers are expensive. And there is no one to help. I've asked the few people I thought would help and they cant. At the time I offered money wasn't an issue, but DH and I have made some unexpected financial moves and are being very intentional about how we spend. I also know that DH will flip out if I spend a lot on this shower he doesn't want me to throw for a friend he doesn't want me to have.

3. I'm not sure what kind of attendance there will be. There are definitely some people in our circle who are not excited in the normal sense one would be about a pregnancy. They are not judgy or anything, but she was a minister and got pregnant by a guy who wasn't even her bf and they still aren't together now. So while they are willing to give a gift to the baby, there is no guarantee how many will show up for a shower. His family is not pleased either so I am almost 90% sure that they would not show up either. Don't have money to waste on a party no one comes to.

4. My aunt pointed out that a shower was not a requirement and my mom said that its really only expected for the first child (she has other kids). I had automatically always paired babies with showers so never thought about NOT throwing her one. Though I do know that she will need the gifts.

So options I've considered:

-Have it at a house instead of somewhere I'd have to pay
my house is off limits because of DH (would never bring someone in our home that he objected to) and our house is very far from where everyone else lives.

-Have it at her house
She doesn't live in the best conditions so I would literally have to clean and rearrange her house top to bottom before it would be acceptable for guests.

-Don't have a shower
I would feel bad because she has no one else to host this for her and I already committed to it and its quite late in her pregnancy to just drop it.



HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!

I'll be back in a few. I'm on my phone

Since the guest list will be small anyway, what about a baby blessing instead? People can come by to see the baby and bring a gift (since this is an area of need for her) stress free. Paying for cake and beverages only will cut your financial obligation.

Disclaimer: I'm not a fan of traditional baby showers.

Can you just coordinate with friends a couple of items for the baby and give her a big gift basket?

Like make a list of items that the baby will need, e-mail a polite letter letting friends know that in lieu of a baby shower you're thinking about organising a gift basket and if they would kindly like to contribute an item.

if she has other kids, she probably already has baby items
I would go with my husband on this one. Sounds like he has a strong gut feeling

@CoilyFields,

No matter what you decide regarding this, your friend still has one of the most precious gifts of all, the beauty of your friendship to her. When everyone else walked away, you embraced her as a treasure worth holding onto. She fell from 'Grace' and you stayed with her as Jesus did.

So, even if the shower does not occur, you've still given her something that none so few were willing to do. I admire your love and compassion and your loyalty. God bless you richly in return.

In situations like this, it's about the baby who has more needs. The mom's needs are definitely vital as well, no doubt as she is the one who needs the support as she cares for the one whose needs are greater, which is her baby.

With that being said, what about asking those in the Church to drop their shields and amour and to think about the baby. They won't be celebrating the 'sin' she took part in. The baby didn't commit any sin at all, therefore it is the new life that the Church will be celebrating and not further punish this woman for what how her baby was conceived.

If there's ever a time that the Church needs to act as Jesus would, it's now in this woman's life for the sake of her soul and the lives of her children. To cast her away would not draw them any closer to Jesus. If nothing more, they would be walking away from Jesus, not just from your friend.

Your friend is the 'One' that Jesus left the 90 and 9 for to redeem her. I think the Church should follow suit, as Jesus and you have so beautifully done.

Please keep us posted. Okay?

Blessings to you and your husband. I love what he told you:

"You're a grown woman, you can do what you want...I love you". :Rose:

You have a good one...

LiftedUp said:

Can you just coordinate with friends a couple of items for the baby and give her a big gift basket?

Like make a list of items that the baby will need, e-mail a polite letter letting friends know that in lieu of a baby shower you're thinking about organising a gift basket and if they would kindly like to contribute an item.

Click to expand...

Excellent idea. I did something similar a few years ago. I emailed people I thought would like to make a cash donation, took the cash and bought a gift card to a baby store then me and a few others took the mother-to-be out to lunch. There was no pressure, everyone who was there was there because they wanted to be, the mother-to-be had a good time and I didn't break the bank.

mrselle said:

Excellent idea. I did something similar a few years ago. I emailed people I thought would like to make a cash donation, took the cash and bought a gift card to a baby store then me and a few others took the mother-to-be out to lunch. There was no pressure, everyone who was there was there because they wanted to be, the mother-to-be had a good time and I didn't break the bank.

Click to expand...

I was going to suggest something similar I had a smallbabyshower for my friend who was having her 2nd child out of wedlock... I just asked her very close friends to meet at a restaurant and bring gifts chat eat and pay for their own food lol Simple she got a few gifts and felt the love as this was a surprise

Shimmie said:

@CoilyFields,

No matter what you decide regarding this, your friend still has one of the most precious gifts of all, the beauty of your friendship to her. When everyone else walked away, you embraced her as a treasure worth holding onto. She fell from 'Grace' and you stayed with her as Jesus did.

So, even if the shower does not occur, you've still given her something that none so few were willing to do. I admire your love and compassion and your loyalty. God bless you richly in return.

In situations like this, it's about the baby who has more needs. The mom's needs are definitely vital as well, no doubt as she is the one who needs the support as she cares for the one whose needs are greater, which is her baby.

With that being said, what about asking those in the Church to drop their shields and amour and to think about the baby. They won't be celebrating the 'sin' she took part in. The baby didn't commit any sin at all, therefore it is the new life that the Church will be celebrating and not further punish this woman for what how her baby was conceived.

If there's ever a time that the Church needs to act as Jesus would, it's now in this woman's life for the sake of her soul and the lives of her children. To cast her away would not draw them any closer to Jesus. If nothing more, they would be walking away from Jesus, not just from your friend.

Your friend is the 'One' that Jesus left the 90 and 9 for to redeem her. I think the Church should follow suit, as Jesus and you have so beautifully done.

Please keep us posted. Okay?

Blessings to you and your husband. I love what he told you:

"You're a grown woman, you can do what you want...I love you". :Rose:

You have a good one...

Click to expand...

shimmy Thank you for this post.

Kacie said:

Since the guest list will be small anyway, what about a baby blessing instead? People can come by to see the baby and bring a gift (since this is an area of need for her) stress free. Paying for cake and beverages only will cut your financial obligation.

Disclaimer: I'm not a fan of traditional baby showers.

Click to expand...

LiftedUp said:

Can you just coordinate with friends a couple of items for the baby and give her a big gift basket?

Like make a list of items that the baby will need, e-mail a polite letter letting friends know that in lieu of a baby shower you're thinking about organising a gift basket and if they would kindly like to contribute an item.

Click to expand...

Shimmie said:

@CoilyFields,

No matter what you decide regarding this, your friend still has one of the most precious gifts of all, the beauty of your friendship to her. When everyone else walked away, you embraced her as a treasure worth holding onto. She fell from 'Grace' and you stayed with her as Jesus did.

So, even if the shower does not occur, you've still given her something that none so few were willing to do. I admire your love and compassion and your loyalty. God bless you richly in return.

In situations like this, it's about the baby who has more needs. The mom's needs are definitely vital as well, no doubt as she is the one who needs the support as she cares for the one whose needs are greater, which is her baby.

With that being said, what about asking those in the Church to drop their shields and amour and to think about the baby. They won't be celebrating the 'sin' she took part in. The baby didn't commit any sin at all, therefore it is the new life that the Church will be celebrating and not further punish this woman for what how her baby was conceived.

If there's ever a time that the Church needs to act as Jesus would, it's now in this woman's life for the sake of her soul and the lives of her children. To cast her away would not draw them any closer to Jesus. If nothing more, they would be walking away from Jesus, not just from your friend.

Your friend is the 'One' that Jesus left the 90 and 9 for to redeem her. I think the Church should follow suit, as Jesus and you have so beautifully done.

Please keep us posted. Okay?

Blessings to you and your husband. I love what he told you:

"You're a grown woman, you can do what you want...I love you". :Rose:

You have a good one...

Click to expand...

These are some really good ideas and suggestions

lesedi said:

shimmy Thank you for this post.

Click to expand...

Thank you lesedi

Kacie said:

Since the guest list will be small anyway, what about a baby blessing instead? People can come by to see the baby and bring a gift (since this is an area of need for her) stress free. Paying for cake and beverages only will cut your financial obligation.

Disclaimer: I'm not a fan of traditional baby showers.

Click to expand...

Kacie

Thanks!
She hasn't had the baby yet (though I had thought about a sip and see) and was stressing a little about all the stuff she would still need to get. So I'm still leaning towards something before the babys arrival. But I'm liking the thought of just cake and beverages though...

LiftedUp said:

Can you just coordinate with friends a couple of items for the baby and give her a big gift basket?

Like make a list of items that the baby will need, e-mail a polite letter letting friends know that in lieu of a baby shower you're thinking about organising a gift basket and if they would kindly like to contribute an item.

Click to expand...

LiftedUp

That's a really good idea. I hadn't thought about that. I'm sure people would contribute.

caligirl said:

if she has other kids, she probably already has baby items
I would go with my husband on this one. Sounds like he has a strong gut feeling

Click to expand...

caligirl

Her kids are a bit older and she has nothing that would be fitting for a baby. And the crazy thing is, I had just gotten rid of all of my DD's baby furniture and clothes that had been in storage about a month before she found out. That would have helped her a lot.

Yeah, my DH does have strong feelings. Normally I wouldn't hesitate to go with his wishes but in this instance I'm the closest person to her and her child's father really abandoned her. So with her having no close family or friends I just really feel like I can't back out and leave her with nothing. Its definitely a dilemma.

I'd say scratch the shower idea it's going to run "you" into too much money and if she asked why explain that you and your husband made other financial commitments and you simply can not afford it right now. (and it will cause unnecessary friction in your household (of which she doesn't need to know))

Reach out to everyone who will give and get the gift basket which can be presented prior to the birth of the baby.

CoilyFields said:

@LiftedUp

That's a really good idea. I hadn't thought about that. I'm sure people would contribute.

Click to expand...

CoilyFields

I actually "borrowed" the idea from my brother's friend. His wife was in a similar situation except that she got pregnant, they had a quick engagement, wedding etc. and she wasn't about to have a rushed baby shower so her friend sent and e-mail out and the response was excellent. She bought one card that was signed when the gift was dropped off.

Shimmie said:

@CoilyFields,

No matter what you decide regarding this, your friend still has one of the most precious gifts of all, the beauty of your friendship to her. When everyone else walked away, you embraced her as a treasure worth holding onto. She fell from 'Grace' and you stayed with her as Jesus did.

So, even if the shower does not occur, you've still given her something that none so few were willing to do. I admire your love and compassion and your loyalty. God bless you richly in return.

In situations like this, it's about the baby who has more needs. The mom's needs are definitely vital as well, no doubt as she is the one who needs the support as she cares for the one whose needs are greater, which is her baby.

With that being said, what about asking those in the Church to drop their shields and amour and to think about the baby. They won't be celebrating the 'sin' she took part in. The baby didn't commit any sin at all, therefore it is the new life that the Church will be celebrating and not further punish this woman for what how her baby was conceived.

If there's ever a time that the Church needs to act as Jesus would, it's now in this woman's life for the sake of her soul and the lives of her children. To cast her away would not draw them any closer to Jesus. If nothing more, they would be walking away from Jesus, not just from your friend.

Your friend is the 'One' that Jesus left the 90 and 9 for to redeem her. I think the Church should follow suit, as Jesus and you have so beautifully done.

Please keep us posted. Okay?

Blessings to you and your husband. I love what he told you:

"You're a grown woman, you can do what you want...I love you". :Rose:

You have a good one...

Click to expand...

Shimmie

Thank you so much for your kind words!

I don't want to paint those at our church in a bad light because honestly, after expressing surprise, no one treated her differently. So the sentiment is not necessarily "we refuse to attend and celebrate that", it's more of a lack of excitement surrounding her pregnancy. And the only reason this kind of stands out is because we've had a lot of pregnancies at our church recently but those were all first time mothers and married. So while I don't doubt people would give/send a gift, and a couple even asked if they could help with her shower...there isn't the "excitement" and financial support I was expecting.

I could have it at the church, but that costs. My aunt offered to have it at her business, but that wouldn't work because there is zero seating or tables.

With all the hurdles coming against this, I am starting to doubt my ability to throw the shower at all.

I will definitely keep everyone posted. I gotta make some decision quick!

mrselle said:

Excellent idea. I did something similar a few years ago. I emailed people I thought would like to make a cash donation, took the cash and bought a gift card to a baby store then me and a few others took the mother-to-be out to lunch. There was no pressure, everyone who was there was there because they wanted to be, the mother-to-be had a good time and I didn't break the bank.

Click to expand...

mrselle

Never thought about just taking her to lunch! And presenting the gifts etc. with a select few folks attending. That's a really good idea!

stephluv said:

I was going to suggest something similar I had a smallbabyshower for my friend who was having her 2nd child out of wedlock... I just asked her very close friends to meet at a restaurant and bring gifts chat eat and pay for their own food lol Simple she got a few gifts and felt the love as this was a surprise

Click to expand...

stephluv

The bolded would solve a whole lot of problems!

Iwanthealthyhair67 said:

I'd say scratch the shower idea it's going to run "you" into too much money and if she asked why explain that you and your husband made other financial commitments and you simply can not afford it right now. (and it will cause unnecessary friction in your household (of which she doesn't need to know))

Reach out to everyone who will give and get the gift basket which can be presented prior to the birth of the baby.

Click to expand...

Iwanthealthyhair67

Yeah,
I'm thinking that a formal shower is definitely off the list now. The gift basket will be on the list.

Thank you ladies so much for your ideas!!!

They've given me a lot to consider. So far I'm thinking;

-Instead of a shower, maybe a sprinkle? lol With just cake and punch. People stop by (somewhere) bring their gift and well wishes, have some cake and leave. 1 hour.

-Or, Go to a restaurant, invite a few close friends. Get a gift from everyone else and make a basket for her. Everyone pays for their own food and I pay for hers.

-Or...Don't do any kind of celebration and just do the gift basket idea.

-I also planned on cleaning her house top to bottom for her before the baby gets here. Maybe I can coordinate with the dad to help. We can send her out for the day and He can buy the big items and we can clean and set up her house for the baby. The gift basket from everyone else will be there.

Any more suggestions or improvements on these ideas? Please keep them coming ladies!

CoilyFields said:

Thank you ladies so much for your ideas!!!

They've given me a lot to consider. So far I'm thinking;

-Instead of a shower, maybe a sprinkle? lol With just cake and punch. People stop by (somewhere) bring their gift and well wishes, have some cake and leave. 1 hour.

-Or, Go to a restaurant, invite a few close friends. Get a gift from everyone else and make a basket for her. Everyone pays for their own food and I pay for hers.

-Or...Don't do any kind of celebration and just do the gift basket idea.

-I also planned on cleaning her house top to bottom for her before the baby gets here. Maybe I can coordinate with the dad to help. We can send her out for the day and He can buy the big items and we can clean and set up her house for the baby. The gift basket from everyone else will be there.

Any more suggestions or improvements on these ideas? Please keep them coming ladies!

Click to expand...

@CoilyFields I really like the restaurant idea, @ the bolded .

Whatever you do this lady will always remember it. I'm quite sure she felt bad and condemned herself in many ways. God is using you to extend His grace and mercy and to let her know there is life after repentance and forgiveness.

Praying this will be a memorable and joyous event for all.

CoilyFields said:

Thank you ladies so much for your ideas!!!

They've given me a lot to consider. So far I'm thinking;

-Instead of a shower, maybe a sprinkle? lol With just cake and punch. People stop by (somewhere) bring their gift and well wishes, have some cake and leave. 1 hour.

-Or, Go to a restaurant, invite a few close friends. Get a gift from everyone else and make a basket for her. Everyone pays for their own food and I pay for hers.

-Or...Don't do any kind of celebration and just do the gift basket idea.

-I also planned on cleaning her house top to bottom for her before the baby gets here.

Maybe I can coordinate with the dad to help. We can send her out for the day and He can buy the big items and we can clean and set up her house for the baby. The gift basket from everyone else will be there.

Any more suggestions or improvements on these ideas? Please keep them coming ladies!

Click to expand...

CoilyFields... I think you have a good plan here. As long as you feel at peace, than that's the right thing for you to follow through with.

I have to say this again. You are a TRUE Friend. You are willing to clean her home from top to bottom.

I think I may get pregnant just to have you come to my home.

I'm just kidding and hope that I didn't offend. I'm just amazed at the love you have for her. It's as if she is your sister, you mom or as you would take care of a daughter. You remind me of this scripture:

"There's no greater love than a man who will lay down his life for a brother. "

Likewise, there is no greater love than you willing to lay down the cares of your own personal life (and time) for this woman, as your 'sister'. I thank God for extending His grace, mercies and great favor upon you, Coily. You surely humble me. You are a very giving person.

PinkPebbles said:

@CoilyFields I really like the restaurant idea, @ the bolded .

Whatever you do this lady will always remember it. I'm quite sure she felt bad and condemned herself in many ways. God is using you to extend His grace and mercy and to let her know there is life after repentance and forgiveness.

Praying this will be a memorable and joyous event for all.

Click to expand...

I have to totally agree with the bolded. What a beautiful friend Coily is.

PinkPebbles said:

@CoilyFields I really like the restaurant idea, @ the bolded .

Whatever you do this lady will always remember it. I'm quite sure she felt bad and condemned herself in many ways. God is using you to extend His grace and mercy and to let her know there is life after repentance and forgiveness.

Praying this will be a memorable and joyous event for all.

Click to expand...

PinkPebbles

Yeah, the restaurant will take the least amount of planning. Thanks for your input.

I know she definitely felt condemned within herself. To the point that when she started showing she didn't want to come to church because she didn't want anyone to know. I'm happy to do what I can to support her!

Shimmie said:

@CoilyFields... I think you have a good plan here. As long as you feel at peace, than that's the right thing for you to follow through with.

I have to say this again. You are a TRUE Friend. You are willing to clean her home from top to bottom.

I think I may get pregnant just to have you come to my home.

I'm just kidding and hope that I didn't offend. I'm just amazed at the love you have for her. It's as if she is your sister, you mom or as you would take care of a daughter. You remind me of this scripture:

"There's no greater love than a man who will lay down his life for a brother. "

Likewise, there is no greater love than you willing to lay down the cares of your own personal life (and time) for this woman, as your 'sister'. I thank God for extending His grace, mercies and great favor upon you, Coily. You surely humble me. You are a very giving person.

Click to expand...

Shimmie,

I'm not offended at all! That option is kind of funny because I HATE cleaning up. But there's just something about a baby being in a pristine environment that calls to me.

I do feel very close to her spiritually. Though we don't hang out a lot or talk on the phone a lot we are like sisters. That's one of the reasons this has been so hard to figure out. I thank God for helping me to not be selfish.

Shimmie, you have such a way with words lady! Conversation definitely sprinkled with grace...more like saturated! Thank you!

CoilyFields said:

Shimmie,

I'm not offended at all! That option is kind of funny because I HATE cleaning up. But there's just something about a baby being in a pristine environment that calls to me.

I do feel very close to her spiritually. Though we don't hang out a lot or talk on the phone a lot we are like sisters. That's one of the reasons this has been so hard to figure out. I thank God for helping me to not be selfish.

Shimmie, you have such a way with words lady! Conversation definitely sprinkled with grace...more like saturated! Thank you!

Click to expand...

Awwww, Coily your love is so obvious for friend and family. :Rose:

BTW: When is the baby due? If I missed reading this in the thread, I apologize.

When the baby arrives, I really would like to send you something, if that's okay. I love babies.

CoilyFields said:

So options I've considered:


-Have it at her house
She doesn't live in the best conditions so I would literally have to clean and rearrange her house top to bottom before it would be acceptable for guests.

-Don't have a shower
I would feel bad because she has no one else to host this for her and I already committed to it and its quite late in her pregnancy to just drop it.

Click to expand...

Be careful about committing yourself to anything you're not sure about. Beside that, maybe gift her with a cleaning service for one day. It'll get her ready for the baby and shouldn't cost too much. Have everyone who is coming (rsvp) bring a dish and a gift. That's it.

Shimmie said:

Awwww, Coily your love is so obvious for friend and family. :Rose:

BTW: When is the baby due? If I missed reading this in the thread, I apologize.

When the baby arrives, I really would like to send you something, if that's okay. I love babies.

Click to expand...

She is due early December. I was thinking that whatever I do will be in October.

That is Soooooooo sweet of you Shimmie! I will let you know.

JaneBond007 said:

Be careful about committing yourself to anything you're not sure about. Beside that, maybe gift her with a cleaning service for one day. It'll get her ready for the baby and shouldn't cost too much. Have everyone who is coming (rsvp) bring a dish and a gift. That's it.

Click to expand...

You're right. Unfortunately all of the uncertainty happened recently. And if I hadn't stepped up she wouldnt have anything. But I will definitely be more careful in the future.

I considered a cleaning service but thought that with all the work that has to be done they would charge a huge amount. This isn't normal messy house.

Do you think folks would bring a dish and gift?