DH wants me to relax because the natural look looks unpolished...

dlove · Aug 23, 2009

Hair type: 4a/b thick. Shrinks into a 2 inch fro.

DH told me that the natural look on me has to go. I just two strand twisted my hair and made an updo in the back and sides with it. He told me that I looked better with straight hair and none, NONE of the natural styles I do or pay someone to do looks good on me. I have worn wng puffs, loose two strand twists, two strand twists with flat twists in the front and an afro.

I know its not about him, its about me and what I like, though feel so discouraged because of the responses and treatment I get on the job, society and now at home. Natural hair where I live is a minority. People look at my 3c hair in my nape and say, "oh, you have "good" hair BACK THERE". :wallbash:

The mentality here is that if you have 4a/b hair you look upkept, unprofessional and obviously dont have job.

Right now my hair is past should length in the nape to area, 4 inches in the crown, 5 inches on the sides and I have about a 3.5 inch bang area. I want to grow my hair out so it looks like Te'yah Crystal Ke'mayh (sp?). What is her hair type anyway?

I've been natural for 2 years and 3 months. Though I like being natural, the styles seem to be suited to the younger generation. You mostly see schooled aged young children , teenagers and 20 something with twists,braids and plaits-not 40 y.o. women. I thought the "updo" kept it polished looking.

DH told me to make an appointment on Friday to get a relaxer and cut into a "style". :nono:

I wish I could have youtubed that conversation.

Been in my shoes?

FluffyRed · Aug 23, 2009

I think he's being rude, inconsiderate and unsupportive, which is a big issue, regardless what he thinks of natural hair. And since when is a man that interested in a woman's hairstyles?

Sometimes a person's perception of what looks "good" reflect a colonized mindset. Does he have that internalized racism mentality - only likes "good" hair, etc. That can be affected with the passage of time (are you a new natural and he just needs time to adjust) or with the broadening of his mind. Maybe ne needs to read some Carter G. Woodson or Marcus Garvey. He may have some kinks in his brain that need to be attacked before you even *think* about touching the kinks on your scalp.

msa · Aug 23, 2009

I don't have a husband so I really can't speak on that. I'm sorry you're going through that, especially since he's the one person who should support you in ALL that you do. I think it's important that you stay natural, if that's what you want.

Krystal is one of my hair idols and a lot of her styles are braids on her own hair and braidouts. You should buy her book. Have you tried a braid, twist, or bantu knot out before? Also, do you think it's the styles or your length that is the main issue with your DH? I know a lot of people in my life don't like my hair when it's shrunken up but they like it best when it's stretched to show some length.

To be honest, I'm completely against relaxing, especially if it's to please someone else (family or society in general). Can you and DH come to a compromise? If you aren't against straight hair, why not a get a straight wig and rock that sometimes? That way he can see you with straight hair and you can also protect your hair at the same time.

LushLox · Aug 23, 2009

Don't be pressured into doing something that you don't want to do. You'll end up resenting him for it.

SelahOco · Aug 23, 2009

It might take time for him to come around. If he's a man surrounded by relaxed hair, that's helped him define his idea of beauty.

It sounds like he - and other outside influences - are causing you to lose your hair swagger. I suspect that you'll like your natural hair once it's longer. Would you consider hiding your hair under pretty braids or a sew in. It will buy you some time and allow you to collect your thoughts around your decision to go natural.

It will also give you some time to grow your hair and experiment with longer styles, that might make you feel more polished. In time, DH will learn to see the beauty in your hair. But YOUR swagger is a key ingredient in turning his mind around.

Don't rush into a relaxer. Find a compromise that works for you both. JMHO.

adf23 · Aug 23, 2009

What if you flat iron your hair like once or twice a month, so you have straight hair a few weeks out of the month? There has to be a happy medium.

I am natural, and fortunately DH loves my hair so I don't have this issue. Regardless, please don't relax JUST for DH if you love your hair, when there are so many other options now a days (flat ironing- yeah you risk heat stretched hair, but IMO still better than getting a relaxer, BKT, etc)

FemmeCreole · Aug 23, 2009

dlove said:
Hair type: 4a/b thick. Shrinks into a 2 inch fro.

Been in my shoes?

yes I have....kinda....... my SO complained about the length of time it took to do my hair and when done it still looked "a mess". Then he would talk about how corporate America views black women's hair......Eventually I got tired of it and I got tired of taking 5 hours to get my hair done so I caved in and relaxed. Can't say I regretted it because I enjoy my hair as it is now, but I sometimes wonder what it wouldlook like if I have kept it natural.

FemmeCreole · Aug 23, 2009

S/O liked when I wore the kinky twists..... maybe you can try that

Ladybelle · Aug 23, 2009

This might be opposing to what everyone else will probably say, but if your dh feels that strongly about it - I think you have an obligation to satisfy him. Wifely duties come before personal wants. Forget about what society says, what anyone says. DH's opinion matters!

If it's been this long, it isn't going to grow on him. He doesn't like it and will probably never like it. I could see if you just started the transition, but you've been natural for quite some time now.

I was going to elaborate further , but the bottom line is- this issue needs to be dealt with between you & your dh.The only opinions that matter here are yours and your husbands and you have to reach some common ground as it could possibly result in strife & confusion in your marriage. You really have to talk to him about it in detail and make the choice that's best for your marriage.

eta: i've not been in your shoes on this particular issue - but I have on other issues and ultimately I made the choice to do what was best for the marriage and I am glad I did.

2inspireU · Aug 23, 2009

dlove said:
Hair type: 4a/b thick. Shrinks into a 2 inch fro.

DH told me that the natural look on me has to go. I just two strand twisted my hair and made an updo in the back and sides with it. He told me that I looked better with straight hair and none, NONE of the natural styles I do or pay someone to do looks good on me. I have worn wng puffs, loose two strand twists, two strand twists with flat twists in the front and an afro.

I know its not about him, its about me and what I like, though feel so discouraged because of the responses and treatment I get on the job, society and now at home. Natural hair where I live is a minority. People look at my 3c hair in my nape and say, "oh, you have "good" hair BACK THERE". The mentality here is that if you have 4a/b hair you look upkept, unprofessional and obviously dont have job.

Right now my hair is past should length in the nape to area, 4 inches in the crown, 5 inches on the sides and I have about a 3.5 inch bang area. I want to grow my hair out so it looks like Te'yah Crystal Ke'mayh (sp?). What is her hair type anyway?

I've been natural for 2 years and 3 months. Though I like being natural, the styles seem to be suited to the younger generation. You mostly see schooled aged young children , teenagers and 20 something with twists,braids and plaits-not 40 y.o. women. I thought the "updo" kept it polished looking.

DH told me to make an appointment on Friday to get a relaxer and cut into a "style". I wish I could have youtubed that conversation.

Been in my shoes?

If you want to be natural, stay natural. I experienced the same thing from my family. They said I was ugly and looked unkempt with my natural hair, and wouldn't be able to find a job with it. I cracked and relaxed after the Keratase Salon fiasco. I regret it because of all the progress I lost with my natural hair ( I was going on 4 years natural), but I don't regret that now I truly know natural hair is for me. I now have an *** anyone and everyone who doesn't like my natural hair or feels uncomfortable with my natural hair because it is here to stay. I'm transitioning now by the way.

FemmeCreole · Aug 23, 2009

asuperwoman said:
This might be opposing to what everyone else will probably say, but if your dh feels that strongly about it - I think you have an obligation to satisfy him. Wifely duties come before personal wants. Forget about what society says, what anyone says. DH's opinion matters!

If it's been this long, it isn't going to grow on him. He doesn't like it and will probably never like it. I could see if you just started the transition, but you've been natural for quite some time now.

I was going to elaborate further , but the bottom line is- this issue needs to be dealt with between you & your dh.The only opinions that matter here are yours and your husbands and you have to reach some common ground as it could possibly result in strife & confusion in your marriage. You really have to talk to him about it in detail and make the choice that's best for your marriage.

eta: i've not been in your shoes on this particular issue - but I have on other issues and ultimately I made the choice to do what was best for the marriage and I am glad I did.

I tend to agree with this because you may get advice on the boards on what to do, but ultimately this is a matter between you and your husband. Listening to things from outside parties can cause you to place tension in your marriage. Do what you feel is right for you and your husband.

BillsBackerz67 · Aug 23, 2009

asuperwoman said:
This might be opposing to what everyone else will probably say, but if your dh feels that strongly about it - I think you have an obligation to satisfy him. Wifely duties come before personal wants. Forget about what society says, what anyone says. DH's opinion matters!

If it's been this long, it isn't going to grow on him. He doesn't like it and will probably never like it. I could see if you just started the transition, but you've been natural for quite some time now.

I was going to elaborate further , but the bottom line is- this issue needs to be dealt with between you & your dh.The only opinions that matter here are yours and your husbands and you have to reach some common ground as it could possibly result in strife & confusion in your marriage. You really have to talk to him about it in detail and make the choice that's best for your marriage.

eta: i've not been in your shoes on this particular issue - but I have on other issues and ultimately I made the choice to do what was best for the marriage and I am glad I did.

As does hers. They need to come to come to happy medium I dont think she should completely do want he wants her to do to make him happy and then shes left with nothing for herself. What's next him saying he wants her to dye her hair? change her style of clothing?

music-bnatural-smile · Aug 23, 2009

it sounds like you feel pressured by everyone around you...
i think that you should give it some long hard thought...
while it seems rude to some people, i think it is good that he's being honest with you about his feelings rather than talking to other ppl about it...
if you want to wear more streamlined styles, you can work on your pressing techniques and still retain growth... I think this might be your sentiment too since you were saying that you think natural styles are for younger ppl...
have you tried straight styles? I was mbl easily when i pressed once a month and wrapped it every night... i would press once, wear it straight for 1 week and then do braid outs, twist outs, rollers, and other looser styles for that month... it was good for my cuz my hair does fine without being washed for awhile...

btw, i bet you look fabulous right now... you have options, so just take a thinky before you relax.

FluffyRed · Aug 23, 2009

BillsBackerz67 said:
As does hers. They need to come to come to happy medium I dont think she should completely do want he wants her to do to make him happy and then shes left with nothing for herself. What's next him saying he wants her to dye her hair? change her style of clothing?

When I did the big chop in 2005, my mother and sister both were ragging on me about how nappy it was and fast forward 18 months, they were both naptural - and still are. Tastes evolve.

And some people feel relaxers are extremely unhealthy for the scalp and hair. He's wrong to be making demands like that on you. He has the right to tell you his opinion (when asked) but it stops there. It's your body.

msa · Aug 23, 2009

asuperwoman said:
This might be opposing to what everyone else will probably say, but if your dh feels that strongly about it - I think you have an obligation to satisfy him. Wifely duties come before personal wants. Forget about what society says, what anyone says. DH's opinion matters!

If it's been this long, it isn't going to grow on him. He doesn't like it and will probably never like it. I could see if you just started the transition, but you've been natural for quite some time now.

I was going to elaborate further , but the bottom line is- this issue needs to be dealt with between you & your dh.The only opinions that matter here are yours and your husbands and you have to reach some common ground as it could possibly result in strife & confusion in your marriage. You really have to talk to him about it in detail and make the choice that's best for your marriage.

I agree and disagree. I do believe that what your DH feels and wants does matter. But, if staying natural is very important to you then I think a compromise that doesn't involve relaxing is a better option. There are so many other things you can do including weaving, wigging, and braiding that don't involve permanently changing your hair.

Also, I do think a lot of the issues people have with natural hair is the length. Your hair is still pretty short (and short doesn't look good on everyone nor is it appealing to everyone). While it's possible he may never like it, he hasn't seen long natural hair on you so you can't say for sure.

Where's Southernbella when you need her? She's dealt with, and is still dealing with this issue. You may want to pm her.

LushLox · Aug 23, 2009

asuperwoman said:
This might be opposing to what everyone else will probably say, but if your dh feels that strongly about it - I think you have an obligation to satisfy him. Wifely duties come before personal wants. Forget about what society says, what anyone says. DH's opinion matters!

If it's been this long, it isn't going to grow on him. He doesn't like it and will probably never like it. I could see if you just started the transition, but you've been natural for quite some time now.

I was going to elaborate further , but the bottom line is- this issue needs to be dealt with between you & your dh.The only opinions that matter here are yours and your husbands and you have to reach some common ground as it could possibly result in strife & confusion in your marriage. You really have to talk to him about it in detail and make the choice that's best for your marriage.

eta: i've not been in your shoes on this particular issue - but I have on other issues and ultimately I made the choice to do what was best for the marriage and I am glad I did.

Are you serious? This is the 21st century!!

No one would argue that the DH's opinion doesn't matter but at the end of the day it's not the husband that has to deal with the hair day in day out.

TheGrimPhreaker · Aug 23, 2009

First thing I think it is, is very, very selfish. Even though you're his wife, he should not be pressuring you into changing yourself just because HE doesn't like it. He's not thinking about your happiness. I think you should keep your hair natural and when YOU FEEL LIKE IT, let it be a TREAT for him to see your hair straight whether its a dominican blow out, or BKT, or flat iron-- do it just for something different. Don't relax your hair and then you'll be thinking !@#@$#$$@%%$$^#$ everytime you see your hair and look at him with disgust because he couldn't let you be yourself. I understand that he isn't just a bf, but your vows said to death do us part, maybe in this case, she should love and accept you through relaxed AND natural.

BTW, all that corporate crap-- whatever. No matter if you relax or not, there's always gonna be some type of racism. Trust me I know.

MummysGirl · Aug 23, 2009

Wow... this is a tough one. I honestly can't say I have any advice because I am not married.

Good luck (and hugs!).

Saida · Aug 23, 2009

Do you want to relax?? I think you want to feel like your husband loves your hair and thinks its pretty.. if that's a good enough reason to relax, then I'm sure you can find great advice from people on the board with healthy relaxed hair.

If you really dont want to relax and you wouldnt even considere it, then you need to have a serious talk with DH, I think he could have came off kind of rude, but I wasnt there and there are always two sides to the story, so I wont judge him for that.

Do what is best for you and your marriage!

Ladybelle · Aug 23, 2009

Cream Tee said:
Are you serious? This is the 21st century!!

No one would argue that the DH's opinion doesn't matter but at the end of the day it's not the husband that has to deal with the hair day in day out.

Yeah, this is the 21st century, which is why i said my opinion would be contrary to some on this board. Which is why I further elaborated that OP should work this out between her and DH. My opinion really doesn't matter when it comes to HER marriage. I hope there is a happy medium.

But, if it were me and I had to choose between being natural and making my husband happy - DH wins every time. I'd rather be relaxed and happily married than natural and unhappily married. That's just me though- to each his own.

Ladybelle · Aug 23, 2009

BillsBackerz67 said:
As does hers. They need to come to come to happy medium I dont think she should completely do want he wants her to do to make him happy and then shes left with nothing for herself. What's next him saying he wants her to dye her hair? change her style of clothing?

ITA. What's the happy medium? They can work together to find one.

LushLox · Aug 23, 2009

asuperwoman said:
Yeah, this is the 21st century, which is why i said my opinion would be contrary to some on this board. Which is why I further elaborated that OP should work this out between her and DH. My opinion really doesn't matter when it comes to HER marriage. I hope there is a happy medium.

But, if it were me and I had to choose between being natural and making my husband happy - DH wins every time. I'd rather be relaxed and happily married than natural and unhappily married. That's just me though- to each his own.

Even if you really hated the thought of being relaxed?

Gee - whatever happened to compromise...

Charz · Aug 23, 2009

But how about if being relaxed makes you unhappy?

asuperwoman said:
I'd rather be relaxed and happily married than natural and unhappily married. That's just me though- to each his own.

Ladybelle · Aug 23, 2009

Val said:
I tend to agree with this because you may get advice on the boards on what to do, but ultimately this is a matter between you and your husband. Listening to things from outside parties can cause you to place tension in your marriage. Do what you feel is right for you and your husband.

That's exactly what I'm trying to say. I should have left my opinion out of it and just said this very thing.

Ladybelle · Aug 23, 2009

Charzboss said:
But how about if being relaxed makes you unhappy?

I'm not one to take my hair that seriously. I'm serious about it (hence the membership here) , but I wouldn't allow the state of my hair to define my happiness.

LushLox · Aug 23, 2009

Charzboss said:
But how about if being relaxed makes you unhappy?

What does it matter - as long as hubby is happy right!

erplexed

Ladybelle · Aug 23, 2009

Cream Tee said:
Even if you really hated the thought of being relaxed?

Gee - whatever happened to compromise...

Compromise has it's place, but then there are some issues where one party has to be willing to concede for the other. I don't know if this is one of those issues for OP or not. Only she and her DH know that.

FluffyRed · Aug 23, 2009

Does wifey get to tell hubby exactly how he should maintain his appearance as well?

Or is this a one way street?

msa · Aug 23, 2009

dlove said:
He told me that I looked better with straight hair and none, NONE of the natural styles I do or pay someone to do looks good on me.

DH told me to make an appointment on Friday to get a relaxer and cut into a "style". I wish I could have youtubed that conversation.

Been in my shoes?

You know, it seems like he thinks a relaxer is the only way to have straight hair and a "stylish" do. If you're open to it, you could use heat to straighten.

It's obvious you guys have different ideas of what a "style" is, but there should be some way to compromise. I don't think a relaxer is the answer.

OhmyKimB · Aug 23, 2009

Can't speak on the husband part, just the "since when does a man even care"

Every male I know cares, even when your not their gf. At school half my male friends were pissed off I was going to cut my hair since I was going to be natural. And I cut from APL to ear length. I got a lot of head shakes. The current now was annoyed when I went all the way to shoulder length. But he actually hates that I relax...maybe that's the difference anyway the point was most males I know care about how your hair looks. Color, style, length and all.

DH wants me to relax because the natural look looks unpolished...

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