DH wants me to relax because the natural look looks unpolished...

TheGrimPhreaker · Aug 24, 2009

Imma unsubscribe from this post for two reasons--- 1) Its keeping me up all night trying to read everyone's reactions lol

2)Now it's gotten to the point to where people are questioning other people marriages just because they dont handle situations in the same manner (this has happened several times through out this thread not just one person). These are the things that make me think women can never really get along for long periods of time. It seems we are always tearing each other down, whether it be for hair, weight, clothes, marriage.. whatever happened to supporting each other? We are always so quick to point out flaws. A lil OT but, Men cheat no matter if you do everything they say or not. So as successful a marriage as you might think you have, doesn't mean it's not vulnerable to infidelity. Ive seen some of the best marriages fall and the woman never sees it comin. Just sayin. Have a good night ladies.

Mortons · Aug 24, 2009

well, I'd like to thanks folk for letting me know right now what i dont want in a marriage. I especially dont want a push over who dyes her hair blue because I decided, on a whim, it looked best on her.

TheGrimPhreaker · Aug 24, 2009

Southernbella. said:
OK, yall are reaching here. I can't even get mad because yall mostly just sound pathetic. You relax to keep your husband wanting you and only you?

FluffyRed · Aug 24, 2009

I'm glad my marriage was not necessary to validate me.

Tis all

kkamara5 · Aug 24, 2009

Southernbella. said:
OK, yall are reaching here. I can't even get mad because yall mostly just sound pathetic. You relax to keep your husband wanting you and only you?

quick question....when you say "yall" are you refering to the women who are relaxed....or the women who believe that in a marriage both people should compromise to keep each other happy???

CocoBunny · Aug 24, 2009

msa said:
No I wouldn't blame him for being less than thrilled about it. But that's different from him dictating what I do with my head. Like I said before, my issue is with the permanent nature of relaxing. I think he would rightfully be upset in that situation. But if all I did was flat iron, he'd have to deal with it until I washed my hair.

And what does YMMV mean? I've been wondering what that was for a while.

Your Mileage May Vary ( my way of saying my way and ideas may not work for you.)

By the way I agree with you relaxing is not the only option. I guess I am wondering did the OP DH say he prefers straight hair or did he say you MUST chemically straighten your hair? I'm thinking he might have just said I prefer you with straight hair and I think it looks better. If that's what he said then I think that's healthy. He felt comfortable enough to express a preference and to tell her what he honestly thought and felt.

Has the OP posted an update or clarification?

msa · Aug 24, 2009

dlove said:
. He told me that I looked better with straight hair and none, NONE of the natural styles I do or pay someone to do looks good on me.
DH told me to make an appointment on Friday to get a relaxer and cut into a "style". I wish I could have youtubed that conversation.

Been in my shoes?

CocoBunny said:
Your Mileage May Vary ( my way of saying my way and ideas may not work for you.)

By the way I agree with you relaxing is not the only option. I guess I am wondering did the OP DH say he prefers straight hair or did he say you MUST chemically straighten your hair? I'm thinking he might have just said I prefer you with straight hair and I think it looks better. If that's what he said then I think that's healthy. He felt comfortable enough to express a preference and to tell her what he honestly thought and felt.

Has the OP posted an update or clarification?

Ah, thanks for the explanation.

He said he likes her better with straight hair but he also said for her to make an appointment for a relaxer and cut. So...I dunno. She said she's going to talk to him (page 5 or 6 I think).

TayMac · Aug 24, 2009

I think she did a lil' update and said her and her DH would discuss it tomorrow. Nice thread. I'll add..."how would you feel if I went natural" to my list of questions to ask men I date.

Bulletproof · Aug 24, 2009

CocoBunny said:
I think the problem is when you change either physically or spiritually or even mentally. How can you blame someone for wanting you to retain what attracted them to you in the first place.

Lets just say your BF LOVED your hair loved the kinks the coils the texture, couldn't keep his hands out of it, what ever and you did get married and suddenly relaxed your a hair and wore it bone straight. Could you blame him for not being thrilled. Hair is least important part of who I am but it IS a part.

YMMV

msa said:
No I wouldn't blame him for being less than thrilled about it. But that's different from him dictating what I do with my head. Like I said before, my issue is with the permanent nature of relaxing. I think he would rightfully be upset in that situation. But if all I did was flat iron, he'd have to deal with it until I washed my hair.

And what does YMMV mean? I've been wondering what that was for a while.

Your Mileage May Vary.

Quick question. I keep reading if that is how he met you, but isn't part of the beauty of finding your other half the growth and evolution you go through together? The personal growth and sometimes the physical as well. It could be hair on the head or eyebrows but I don't think one should stay the same forever if they have found they would like to change. Now saying it is his preference because he is used to it is an acceptable statement to make, doesn't mean things should remain the same. My SO used to eat steak and tuna every day for dinner, alternating between the 2 now he has a variety and he has accepted the change and loves it. I went from thin eyebrows to thick and he has accepted it and thicks it complements my face. I went from APL wild hair to short sleek bob and he adjusted and loved it while I hated it. My point is one does not have to remain stagnant in the way they look because that is what they were when they were courting, unless some people still wear the same wardrobe from their courting days exclusively, I think we all know it is perfectly acceptable within a relationship to let your look evolve.

LisaLisa1908 · Aug 24, 2009

We in here debating how happy a marriage is now, huh? :lachen:

OP, good luck. I hope you and your DH come to a decision that works for the both of you.

msa · Aug 24, 2009

kayex said:
Your Mileage May Vary.

Quick question. I keep reading if that is how he met you, but isn't part of the beauty of finding your other half the growth and evolution you go through together? The personal growth and sometimes the physical as well.

I completely agree with you.

People change. The whole point of being married is to be with someone who will support you through the changes.

Mortons · Aug 24, 2009

If it wasnt hair we would not be debating this. If someones man told them they wanted them to make an appointment to get breast implants because he liked big breasts, I doubt we would see so many in his favor. To me its the same thing. Its a permanent change that someone does not want to make to keep the other happy.
Or
is it not such a big deal because a lot of people dont see relaxing hair to a person who wants to be natural a big deal?

CocoBunny · Aug 24, 2009

kayex said:
Your Mileage May Vary.

Quick question. I keep reading if that is how he met you, but isn't part of the beauty of finding your other half the growth and evolution you go through together? The personal growth and sometimes the physical as well. It could be hair on the head or eyebrows but I don't think one should stay the same forever if they have found they would like to change. Now saying it is his preference because he is used to it is an acceptable statement to make, doesn't mean things should remain the same. My SO used to eat steak and tuna every day for dinner, alternating between the 2 now he has a variety and he has accepted the change and loves it. I went from thin eyebrows to thick and he has accepted it and thicks it complements my face. I went from APL wild hair to short sleek bob and he adjusted and loved it while I hated it. My point is one does not have to remain stagnant in the way they look because that is what they were when they were courting, unless some people still wear the same wardrobe from their courting days exclusively, I think we all know it is perfectly acceptable within a relationship to let your look evolve.

Just because someone accepts something doesn't mean they don't still have a preference.

I like chicken. If you gave me a tofu salad I'd accept it. I'd still prefer chicken.

My DH prefers that I'm not fat. If I gained weight he'd accept it, but he'd prefer me less heavy.

I prefer DH with a headfull of thick hair. If he loses his hair I'll accept it, but I prefer lots of hair.

YMMV

HollyGolightly1982 · Aug 24, 2009

Can't you just go online and buy a straight wig or two?

cabellera · Aug 24, 2009

BillsBackerz67 said:
As does hers. They need to come to come to happy medium I dont think she should completely do want he wants her to do to make him happy and then shes left with nothing for herself. What's next him saying he wants her to dye her hair? change her style of clothing?

Next? Hmmm, a boob job! Just kidding! :grin:

IA, it is something that she and the hubby will have to discuss further, because in marriage your body is his....right? At least that's the vibe I'm getting from some in this thread.

OP, you could just conform, have your hair pressed regularly and be done with it. Of course, he pays for the salon visits.

TayMac · Aug 24, 2009

Good idea along with some others but it's a temporary fix. We don't know the full conversation between them, the tone, or the dynamics of the marriage. If he is against natural hair period...wearing a wig, straightening the hair 3 days a week is not going to appease.

msa · Aug 24, 2009

Mortons said:
is it not such a big deal because a lot of people dont see relaxing hair to a person who wants to be natural a big deal?

Exactly.

Most black women will always support relaxers over natural hair...it doesn't matter if it's because of your husband or your shrinkage, you'll never run out of people who will support relaxing natural hair.

Southernbella. · Aug 24, 2009

msa said:
Exactly.

Most black women will always support relaxers over natural hair...it doesn't matter if it's because of your husband or your shrinkage, you'll never run out of people who will support relaxing natural hair.

Yep. All I keep seeing is support for his preference, but what about support for her preference?

I need to go to bed.

TayMac · Aug 24, 2009

msa said:
Exactly.

Most black women will always support relaxers over natural hair...it doesn't matter if it's because of your husband or your shrinkage, you'll never run out of people who will support relaxing natural hair.

add strongly encourage, suggest and demand

CocoBunny · Aug 24, 2009

TayMac said:
Good idea along with some others but it's a temporary fix. We don't know the full conversation between them, the tone, or the dynamics of the marriage. If he is against natural hair period...wearing a wig, straightening the hair 3 days a week is not going to appease.

For all we know it may not be that he's against her going natural. It could be that it looks messy and she doesn't know how to style it. Even natural hair needs to be styled. I know I could NEVER leave the house with my WNG, they were a HAM. My twist were horrid. I looked unkempt. That being said, I have looked a HAM with relaxed hair too, bone straight and greasy. Limp lifeless curls, Tore up ends. So maybe the issue isn't relaxed or natural, maybe it's styled and unstyled?

kkamara5 · Aug 24, 2009

vkb247 said:
Couldn't you have started to get your hair done more often?

lol.......................hilarious.. :lachen:

Crackers Phinn · Aug 24, 2009

AsianAfricanPrincess said:
Also, the older women get, the more conservative their style becomes.

Naw girl, this is cute when you 35.

Bulletproof · Aug 24, 2009

CocoBunny said:
Just because someone accepts something doesn't mean they don't still have a preference.

I like chicken. If you gave me a tofu salad I'd accept it. I'd still prefer chicken.

My DH prefers that I'm not fat. If I gained weight he'd accept it, but he'd prefer me less heavy.

I prefer DH with a headfull of thick hair. If he loses his hair I'll accept it, but I prefer lots of hair.

YMMV

I did state in my post that it is perfectly fine not only for him to have a preference but also for him to state it, I ended that sentence with does not mean it should be so. I believe preferences are not rules in relationship, they are bits of knowledge to keep in mind and do what you will with them in your relationship. My point was to say the whole argument of her heading to get a relaxer because that was how they met has very little value when one considers that dynamics of relationships can, will and do change, not that preferences are not valued and should not be considered. I apologize if I did not state that clearly.

femmemuscle · Aug 24, 2009

whoa!!! i just blinked and we're past the #350 posts mark..someone, please don't tell me we're goin' for 400.

What's the prize for the #400 poster?

a straight wig?

how about a product give-away?!

who likes ORS Carrot Oil?

Southernbella. · Aug 24, 2009

kkamara5 said:
quick question....when you say "yall" are you refering to the women who are relaxed....or the women who believe that in a marriage both people should compromise to keep each other happy???

I was referring to the women who think you have to bow to your husbands every whim, regardless of how you feel, in order to have a happy/successful marriage. I was also referring to those who think they have the right to judge the strength of another person's marriage based on their opinions on a message board. Pathetic. :yep:

balancegoals2009 · Aug 24, 2009

Wow OP , this thread have a lot of advice over 350 post for you , going natural , weaving , braiding, young hair styles, being submissive , respect , black hair , white hair, single women not understanding , Married women knows everything and only can answer OP question LOL, weight gain , losing weight, husband leaving you , happy couple, not finding you attractive, etc.. etc.. I hope they answer your questions , I found many of the post to be understanding of your concerns about your natural hair and concerns about your husband feeling , just take day by day and do what best work for you and your husband, as you stated have a discussion with him , be blessed my sister and yes I am a single older lady and we can give advice as well. LOL

TheGrimPhreaker · Aug 24, 2009

Southernbella. said:
I was referring to the women who think you have to bow to your husbands every whim, regardless of how you feel, in order to have a happy/successful marriage. I was also referring to those who think they have the right to judge the strength of another person's marriage based on their opinions on a message board. Pathetic.

I was waiting around for you to respond to that. And now, I can go to sleep laughing!! :lachen:

GodMadeMePretty · Aug 24, 2009

taz007 said:
I am going to put in my two cents ...

(Disclaimer ..... I have not read ALL of the replies)

I can definitely tell who has a successful marriage based on what has been posted.

I was natural when I met my husband. He loved me when I was looking tore up while going to school. He NEVER complained when I looked like Side Show Bob for about 2 years.

When I relaxed last year, he continued to support me and only spoke positive things to me.

I absolutely ADORE him and he ADORES me!

If he asked me to shave my head TOMORROW, I would ask "Where da clippers at". I would not do it because I am afraid that he would leave me or that I am weak .

I would do just about anything for him (as long as it follows what God says is right) and he would do the same for me.

I almost destroyed my marriage initially with the kind of thinking that is on this board (I had it bad!)

The reason why I would do it is:

'Cause the way that he looks at me EVERY DAY (after almost 10 years of marriage) just melts my heart.

I know that he would NEVER ask that of me, but if he did .....

Does everything here have to come down to denigrating someone else for having a different opinion? I'm married. I wouldn't DARE relax my hair because my DH asked me to. He met me when I was relaxed. I went natural 6 years ago. He PREFERS natural hair but he never asked me to go natural even though he thinks they should NEVER be put on anyone's head.

Despite his preference for natural hair - he NEVER NEVER NEVER said to me - You need to make an appointment this Friday with the stylist to get the perm cut out of your hair; I don't like unnatural, permanently straightened hair.

sqzbly1908 · Aug 24, 2009

Just wondering if the OP's husband would be willing to give up something that is just as important but of the OP's choosing....(If he is a sports fan - would he give up ESPN for as long as she kept a relaxer in her hair???)

I just don't understand why men think our hair defines us....

My DH would trip about me getting my hair trimmed (in his mind it was a all out CUT)...I told him when he starts paying for my 'do then I will consider not trimming at every relaxer (when I used to go to the salon) ...it's straight give or take...

If I were the OP I would probably consider getting a BKT and my DH would totally pay for it.....he probably would not even know the difference, he's looking for straight hair and this would not compromise her wanting to stay natural...

CocoBunny · Aug 24, 2009

kayex said:
I did state in my post that it is perfectly fine not only for him to have a preference but also for him to state it, I ended that sentence with does not mean it should be so. I believe preferences are not rules in relationship, they are bits of knowledge to keep in mind and do what you will with them in your relationship. My point was to say the whole argument of her heading to get a relaxer because that was how they met has very little value when one considers that dynamics of relationships can, will and do change, not that preferences are not valued and should not be considered. I apologize if I did not state that clearly.

You were quite clear. My post was meant to further express my opnion, but in no way diminish yours.

As always YMMV!

DH wants me to relax because the natural look looks unpolished...

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tHicK hAIr dOn't CarE

What 40 looks like.

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Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.

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