For a long time I have been struggling with my son who has issues with learning. His teachers early on saw his struggle and along with my consent formed an ILP instruction for him. It seems he is not focused and he seems to not put forth the effort in his courses. This is a kid who used to play a video game hours straight, until you told him to turn it off. He had to graduate from summer school when he was in middle school. So he did not participate in the graduation ceremony.
Now he is in high school his last year, and he seems to not get that grades are important. I have tried and tried to encourage him, get him involved in activities and such when he is interested. He keeps saying it's hard for him BUT I tell him he has to put in the time. He doesn't study as he should and he constantly has missing assignments. Even though I supply him with a book to write everything down. His teachers are very patient and offers tutoring before and after school. Some even take time on lunch if he would come in. It pains me to see that he doesn't make the connection with his grades now and his future. He keeps saying he is going to college but he only gets D's and F's constantly. I'm constantly getting calls from teachers telling me what I already know that I KNOW he can do it. He's very creative with writing stories and drawings.
It is his effort or lack thereof. He wasn't cutting it in traditional classes so they gave him ILP. These are supposed to be a little easier and he still seems to struggle. His dad and I are constantly talking to him trying to get him on the right track. He has unexcused absences from classes, but always has an opposite statement than the teacher. I have let fear captivate my mind, body and soul when it comes to him.I know he struggles and doesn't make connections at times. I worry he won't have a career to take care of himself. I worry that he hasn't enjoyed high school. I worry that he won't be that he won't be perceived as a smart, intelligent man to obtain a job to care for himself. The list goes on and on and on.I have shed many tears over this, wondering where did I go wrong? Did I not give him proper care when carrying him, etc. I always think this is my pay back for every sin I've possibly done in my lifetime. A son that brings me grief and sadness.
So yesterday, I was so full after talking to his teachers and seeing his grades. I just went birzerk on him! I blasted him in the worst way, and I let him know all the frustrations I felt he caused me and how I was completely tired of his antics. I said some terrible things that a mother should not say to a child. I was so full that I told him to not speak to me for the rest of the day. I totally ignored him for the rest of the evening and only spoke to my daughter. I spoke around him and whatever I needed him to know I told my daughter to tell him. When he left for school this morning, I didn't even say good bye to him.
My heart is very heavy because I let my anger and fear use me for negativity. I can only imagine how a child processes the words I spoke to him yesterday. I didn't use curse words but I unleashed on him really good. I feel really sad because I love my son with everything in me but I felt hopeless and helpless and let my emotions get the best of me. I really am sorry for feeling the thoughts and feelings I had yesterday. I just wanted to share because my heart is heavy today.
Now he is in high school his last year, and he seems to not get that grades are important. I have tried and tried to encourage him, get him involved in activities and such when he is interested. He keeps saying it's hard for him BUT I tell him he has to put in the time. He doesn't study as he should and he constantly has missing assignments. Even though I supply him with a book to write everything down. His teachers are very patient and offers tutoring before and after school. Some even take time on lunch if he would come in. It pains me to see that he doesn't make the connection with his grades now and his future. He keeps saying he is going to college but he only gets D's and F's constantly. I'm constantly getting calls from teachers telling me what I already know that I KNOW he can do it. He's very creative with writing stories and drawings.
It is his effort or lack thereof. He wasn't cutting it in traditional classes so they gave him ILP. These are supposed to be a little easier and he still seems to struggle. His dad and I are constantly talking to him trying to get him on the right track. He has unexcused absences from classes, but always has an opposite statement than the teacher. I have let fear captivate my mind, body and soul when it comes to him.I know he struggles and doesn't make connections at times. I worry he won't have a career to take care of himself. I worry that he hasn't enjoyed high school. I worry that he won't be that he won't be perceived as a smart, intelligent man to obtain a job to care for himself. The list goes on and on and on.I have shed many tears over this, wondering where did I go wrong? Did I not give him proper care when carrying him, etc. I always think this is my pay back for every sin I've possibly done in my lifetime. A son that brings me grief and sadness.
So yesterday, I was so full after talking to his teachers and seeing his grades. I just went birzerk on him! I blasted him in the worst way, and I let him know all the frustrations I felt he caused me and how I was completely tired of his antics. I said some terrible things that a mother should not say to a child. I was so full that I told him to not speak to me for the rest of the day. I totally ignored him for the rest of the evening and only spoke to my daughter. I spoke around him and whatever I needed him to know I told my daughter to tell him. When he left for school this morning, I didn't even say good bye to him.
My heart is very heavy because I let my anger and fear use me for negativity. I can only imagine how a child processes the words I spoke to him yesterday. I didn't use curse words but I unleashed on him really good. I feel really sad because I love my son with everything in me but I felt hopeless and helpless and let my emotions get the best of me. I really am sorry for feeling the thoughts and feelings I had yesterday. I just wanted to share because my heart is heavy today.
As a 'sister' in Christ, I embrace you too. 
