I Think My Abstinence is Causing a Strain on My 2 Year Relationship :(

[strawbearysweet]

Ladies I am coming to you asking that you lift my SO and I up in prayer. We have been in a relationship for nearly two years and have chosen to wait until our wedding night to be intimate. I am a virgin but he is not. As you might imagine, our descision has been more difficult for him than for me but he has been very respectful...until recently.

Although we entered into the relationship from the beginning knowing we were going to get married, we have not gotten officially engaged. He just very recently accepted a position where he can afford to take on the responsibility of a husband and I am sure the proposal would have come soon. The problem is he is requesting to "test the waters" more often and seems to be very "frustrated". I feel bad b/c I am sure it is difficult for him yet I am resolute in my descision. We had the biggest argument today (Not about se* but I feel as if that is the underlying issue) and the relationship seems strained.

I am sooo upset right now. I have always tried to do the right thing when it came to se*, drugs, smoking, drinking and I thought it was finally my time. It's just SO HARD to live according to God's word sometimes when the world seems so far from it. I am 25 and this is not easy! How long does HE want me to wait? If things don't work out with us then I will have to start again.

Prayers and Advice Please:cry3:

[Irresistible]

Ladies I am coming to you asking that you lift my SO and I up in prayer. We have been in a relationship for nearly two years and have chosen to wait until our wedding night to be intimate. I am a virgin but he is not. As you might imagine, our descision has been more difficult for him than for me but he has been very respectful...until recently.

Although we entered into the relationship from the beginning knowing we were going to get married, we have not gotten officially engaged. He just very recently accepted a position where he can afford to take on the responsibility of a husband and I am sure the proposal would have come soon. The problem is he is requesting to "test the waters" more often and seems to be very "frustrated". I feel bad b/c I am sure it is difficult for him yet I am resolute in my descision. We had the biggest argument today (Not about se* but I feel as if that is the underlying issue) and the relationship seems strained.

I am sooo upset right now. I have always tried to do the right thing when it came to se*, drugs, smoking, drinking and I thought it was finally my time. It's just SO HARD to live according to God's word sometimes when the world seems so far from it. I am 25 and this is not easy! How long does HE want me to wait? If things don't work out with us then I will have to start again.

Prayers and Advice Please:cry3:
Its funny how when man starts acting up we start to question God as though he has done this to us. Question the man and why he is backing down on a commitment he made to you and to your guys' life. I know its hard, and you feel pressured, but its only a test and maybe its a test you need to see if you will stand or fall or to see things about this man or to bring your guys closer or strengthen your bond or learn a new truth, only God knows, so seek him hard and seek him long and seek him strong.

This walk is hard, but you have come too far to fall away, too much of a cost to pay, renew your mind and strength from this battle and test and get back up and stand girl

God has got you

and in the meantime, know your being prayed for, I do pray that God ministers to his mind and renews your strength and that you both renew your bond

in love!

[Irresistible]

oh and thats alot of fear talking right now, expected, normal , human

now ditch that for faith , work on getting rid of the what ifs coming into your mind, give it to God to work out and trust him......it will all work out as it should, of course

you are his!!!!!!!!!!!!

pls believe I am working on all this myself!

[bubblegumdreams]

I don't have any advice right now, but I'm praying for you.

[strawbearysweet]

Thanks Iris. I guess it's just hard b/c I thought this part of my journey was almost over. The mind and the flesh can be so weak sometimes and I'm more nervous that him waiting this long is becoming than he can stand.

I don't mean to blame God b/c I know He is the only One who can renew our minds.

[Irresistible]

Thanks Iris. I guess it's just hard b/c I thought this part of my journey was almost over. The mind and the flesh can be so weak sometimes and I'm more nervous that him waiting this long is becoming than he can stand.

I don't mean to blame God b/c I know He is the only One who can renew our minds.
Just when you think your about to take a breather

the devil gets busy, thats when it hurts the most

its ok girl! Trust that if he LOVES YOU, he will stand, and you HAVE TO , because you already know the cost -I am paying that now myself- Keep your love and HONOR for God first, he will bless you, its only a test girl!

[mrsmercery]

Stick with what you believe. The issue is really his to deal with, he's getting weak-and when your mate gets weak, you should be his strength. Giving in on something you cherish won't solve the problem, and it's scary starting over-but you already stated you both had an understanding,a mutual belief. If he is straying from that... I'll pray for him, and you. Don't you ever stress over doing what's right. May God bless you.

[Bunny77]

I will definitely be praying for you!

You might have done this already, but I think you two need to have a serious sit-down conversation about marriage. Long courtships are usually not advisable for this very reason -- the temptation to have sex -- but I know that you both were waiting until he was financially capable of being a provider.

Now that this time has arrived, the question should have been asked and you should be on your way to becoming husband and wife so that abstinence won't be an issue anymore. A two-year courtship is more than enough time for him to decide to marry. And he knows this, so I'm wondering why he hasn't jumped at the opportunity to marry you? Is he going through "normal" concerns about taking such a big step toward marriage, or is something else going on? If it's the first thing, hopefully by talking and maybe seeking wise counsel, you can work through that and start planning your marriage.

If not, then this might be a more difficult issue. But I will definitely pray for you, and please keep us posted!

[strawbearysweet]

I will definitely be praying for you!

You might have done this already, but I think you two need to have a serious sit-down conversation about marriage. Long courtships are usually not advisable for this very reason -- the temptation to have sex -- but I know that you both were waiting until he was financially capable of being a provider.

Now that this time has arrived, the question should have been asked and you should be on your way to becoming husband and wife so that abstinence won't be an issue anymore. A two-year courtship is more than enough time for him to decide to marry. And he knows this, so I'm wondering why he hasn't jumped at the opportunity to marry you? Is he going through "normal" concerns about taking such a big step toward marriage, or is something else going on? If it's the first thing, hopefully by talking and maybe seeking wise counsel, you can work through that and start planning your marriage.

If not, then this might be a more difficult issue. But I will definitely pray for you, and please keep us posted!


Thank you for your prayers.

Well, I guess I should have mentioned we have a long distance relationship. That is a major obstacle as well. I came home so that we would both have a chance to get "prepared" and was hoping he would come here. Well as u can imagine long, long distance courtships cause more of a strain. Initially I thought it would be easier b/c the temptation wouldn't be waved in our faces regularly. Well...temptation is a crafty sucka and found its way in anyway.

He has never mentioned being afraid or having issues with marriage. In fact he has always been more gunghoe about marriage and family than most men. However, the job that he accepted is down there. This is where I need advice...do we get engaged and I go down there and shack up or do I wait even longer which causes even more of a strain. I know what the logical christian answer to that is but realistically it is easier said than done...

Also, do I postpone my plans for the sake of honoring my husband to be or continue on and hope and pray for the best?

[strawbearysweet]

Stick with what you believe. The issue is really his to deal with, he's getting weak-and when your mate gets weak, you should be his strength. Giving in on something you cherish won't solve the problem, and it's scary starting over-but you already stated you both had an understanding,a mutual belief. If he is straying from that... I'll pray for him, and you. Don't you ever stress over doing what's right. May God bless you.


You know what...you are so right. I guess I haven't been seeing this as a moment of weakness but as defeat. Duh!:wallbash: I'll will just go harder in prayer. Everybody handles weakness differently I just have to be there to stand in the gap...right?

[Bunny77]

Thank you for your prayers.

Well, I guess I should have mentioned we have a long distance relationship. That is a major obstacle as well. I came home so that we would both have a chance to get "prepared" and was hoping he would come here. Well as u can imagine long, long distance courtships cause more of a strain. Initially I thought it would be easier b/c the temptation wouldn't be waved in our faces regularly. Well...temptation is a crafty sucka and found its way in anyway.

He has never mentioned being afraid or having issues with marriage. In fact he has always been more gunghoe about marriage and family than most men. However, the job that he accepted is down there. This is where I need advice...do we get engaged and I go down there and shack up or do I wait even longer which causes even more of a strain. I know what the logical christian answer to that is but realistically it is easier said than done...

Also, do I postpone my plans for the sake of honoring my husband to be or continue on and hope and pray for the best?


Wow... yes, this is a tough one, and the additional part about being long-distance doesn't help.

As for your own plans, I wouldn't move to be with him UNTIL you are engaged and then it would have to be mere weeks before the wedding date before you made the physical move. If it was me, I'd move maybe three weeks before and maybe see if I could stay in an extended-stay hotel or something like that if I really wanted to avoid impropriety.

But the main thing is that you don't want to be engaged, move and then shack up for months while waiting... especially if something happens in the meantime and the engagement is called off. Or if you move soon but have a wedding date, you could get an apartment with a short-term lease, but the move should be one of the last things you do before the wedding date.

So the ball is really in his court on this one... the long-distance part can end if he is ready to make you his wife and bring you to where he is.

[HeChangedMyName]

Stick with what you believe. The issue is really his to deal with, he's getting weak-and when your mate gets weak, you should be his strength. Giving in on something you cherish won't solve the problem, and it's scary starting over-but you already stated you both had an understanding,a mutual belief. If he is straying from that... I'll pray for him, and you. Don't you ever stress over doing what's right. May God bless you.

I totally agree with this bolded. You promised God that you would wait for marriage before being intimate. Don't break your promise to God just to apease your SO. If he can't wait, i mean he really feel that he can't wait, then he isn't the man for you. The man God has for you will wait so long as you are willing to stand on your word to God.

Thank you for your prayers.

Well, I guess I should have mentioned we have a long distance relationship. That is a major obstacle as well. I came home so that we would both have a chance to get "prepared" and was hoping he would come here. Well as u can imagine long, long distance courtships cause more of a strain. Initially I thought it would be easier b/c the temptation wouldn't be waved in our faces regularly. Well...temptation is a crafty sucka and found its way in anyway.

He has never mentioned being afraid or having issues with marriage. In fact he has always been more gunghoe about marriage and family than most men. However, the job that he accepted is down there. This is where I need advice...do we get engaged and I go down there and shack up or do I wait even longer which causes even more of a strain. I know what the logical christian answer to that is but realistically it is easier said than done...

Also, do I postpone my plans for the sake of honoring my husband to be or continue on and hope and pray for the best?

Being a Christian can sometimes seem very illogical. The same rules do not apply for us as they do for the world. Remember, God will never put you in a position where you have to compromise your faith. He may test your faith to see if you are progressing, but he will always offer you a way out of a situation. You know shacking isn't right according to God so it doesn't really matter what the world thinks of it.

Look at it like this: God is always with you 24/7/365 how would you feel sleeping in the same house in the same bed with your SO knowing that God was watching? How would you feel letting your SO "test the waters" knowing that God would be present? How would God feel if you broke the promise that you made to him. These questions aren't meant to guilt you into or out of anything. It is looking at it realistically. I am not a virgin and wish I was. I can specifically remember crying during sex because I knew my lack of self control was hurting God. I can remember doing everything that a wife does including sleeping in the same bed with my former SO and knowing how dead wrong I was because I was willfully sinning.

[momi]

I will definitely be praying for you!

You might have done this already, but I think you two need to have a serious sit-down conversation about marriage. Long courtships are usually not advisable for this very reason -- the temptation to have sex -- but I know that you both were waiting until he was financially capable of being a provider.

Now that this time has arrived, the question should have been asked and you should be on your way to becoming husband and wife so that abstinence won't be an issue anymore. A two-year courtship is more than enough time for him to decide to marry. And he knows this, so I'm wondering why he hasn't jumped at the opportunity to marry you? Is he going through "normal" concerns about taking such a big step toward marriage, or is something else going on? If it's the first thing, hopefully by talking and maybe seeking wise counsel, you can work through that and start planning your marriage.

If not, then this might be a more difficult issue. But I will definitely pray for you, and please keep us posted!

Amen to this entire post. Two-years is more than enough time.

Continue to stand firm, the word of God is in your corner.

[strawbearysweet]

[quote=SuperNova;6871597]I totally agree with this bolded. You promised God that you would wait for marriage before being intimate. Don't break your promise to God just to apease your SO. If he can't wait, i mean he really feel that he can't wait, then he isn't the man for you. The man God has for you will wait so long as you are willing to stand on your word to God.

You are definately right about that. It's not so much I was willing to lose myself or break my promise to God. I have been doing it so long it's engrained into my being. I was actually part of an Abstinence group and spoke about that very thing to other youth. It's been pretty easy to kick negroes to the curb up until this point. I guess now that I know this is who I plan to marry it hurts my feelings knowing that I can't ease that particular desire until then. One thing I do know in the end there is no other option and going there will only cause more problems.

Remember, God will never put you in a position where you have to compromise your faith. He may test your faith to see if you are progressing, but he will always offer you a way out of a situation. You know shacking isn't right according to God so it doesn't really matter what the world thinks of it.

Look at it like this: God is always with you 24/7/365 how would you feel sleeping in the same house in the same bed with your SO knowing that God was watching?

You are right on both points.

[strawbearysweet]

I just want to thank you ladies from the very bottom of my heart. The situation is tough and I guess I was looking for a way out. But I see you ladies have no mercy on me. :yep: The world does have it's own views and it is extremely hard for me to go to others for advice knowing that. Alot of people just say "Girl I don't know why you got that man waiting so long for you anyway...blah blah blah". Oh and the famous "What you won't do..." speech. But you all have helped alot. I actually spoke to him a few minutes ago and he apologized for his making me feel down and his attitude and I didn't even have to say a word. God's got this and I know whatever happens he has my best interest at heart. Thank you all again for being my encouragment during this brief moment of weakness. God bless!!!

[FoxyScholar]

Dear OP, now that you've gotten some comforting words about your situation and that you feel better and more empowered, I share this as food for thought:

It's interesting that you would say that ABSTINENCE is the cause of the strain on your relationship/potential marital relationship....

Why not the long distance?

Why not the apparent INCOMPATIBILITY (spiritually and naturally)?

Why note the lack of agreement on the abstinence issue (Amos 3:3)?

And the very scary part is the belief that once sex is introduced into the relationship, all problems would be solved and the strain would be relieved/eliminated. It's just interesting how the Word of God is put aside or discounted to comfort/justify our choices.

Two years... who's to say if that's long enough or too long? I don't know (well, I know for me!) But what I do know is that disclosure of goals and objectives in a relationship is important... early enough to know if it is worth investing at least 24 months....

The Bible says to WATCH as well as PRAY. As you and others are praying, watch for the reality of the situation....

Be well....

[monie20032007]

I sent you a pm

[JD2'd]

OP, I will pray for you. Remember to be stong in the Lord and the power of his might.

This thread and the encouragement you've received from the ladies has been very helpful to me. I see it as God encouraging me through your situation. I am dealing with an abstinence situation too. Only I'm in the process of getting divorced. My soon to be ex lives over 1000 miles away and there is no chance of reconciliation and I don't miss him at all. My situation revolves around a new man that I've met and have been casually seeing. He's hot!!!! and there's a lot of sexual tension between us. We almost got caught up one night, but we stopped. I wasn't a virgin when I got married so this is the longest I've gone without intimacy since I was 19!!! About 3 years ago I really redicated my life to Christ, really dedicated my life to living according to God's word and His will. Well, when I was married sex wasn't a problem- God ordained sex between spouses- but now that I'm (almost) single I've been really tempted.

I've thought about giving into the temptation but I really don't want to because for me its more than just a sin of the flesh, for me it's about faith. If I have sex, then I see it as me not having enough faith in God to keep my body in subjection and not enough faith that he will bring me to a new Christian husband who I will be able to blissfully share intimacy and sex with.

Also, the Lord has been dealing with me about the particular man that I've been seeing. This man knows I'm a Christian and has commented about the fact that I attend church regularly and that I'm a "good woman." The Lord has impressed upon me that I am a living witness of Christ to this man and that every encounter this man has with me is as close as he gets to having an encounter with Christ.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still tempted and every day I think about the 15 different ways I'd love to give it to this man (just being real)! But ultimately, I love Christ more than I love my flesh and I don't want to look like a hypocrite and I don't want to destroy my witness.

Be encouraged and please pray for me as I pray for you.

[momi]

Dear OP, now that you've gotten some comforting words about your situation and that you feel better and more empowered, I share this as food for thought:

It's interesting that you would say that ABSTINENCE is the cause of the strain on your relationship/potential marital relationship....

Why not the long distance?

Why not the apparent INCOMPATIBILITY (spiritually and naturally)?

Why note the lack of agreement on the abstinence issue (Amos 3:3)?

And the very scary part is the belief that once sex is introduced into the relationship, all problems would be solved and the strain would be relieved/eliminated. It's just interesting how the Word of God is put aside or discounted to comfort/justify our choices.

Two years... who's to say if that's long enough or too long? I don't know (well, I know for me!) But what I do know is that disclosure of goals and objectives in a relationship is important... early enough to know if it is worth investing at least 24 months....

The Bible says to WATCH as well as PRAY. As you and others are praying, watch for the reality of the situation....

Be well....

:yep: Amen. The introduction of sex would more than likely cloud or camoflauge areas of concern that should be adressed.

[Irresistible]

Of course she would be ready AND wanting to ease that strain on their relationship , of course she would have concerns and feelings and desires and hopes about that

She stood strong and long, of course she wants that with the man she loves and has commited to , the right way, this is a PART of what all the standing and getting married is for afterall LOL