How do you forgive?

[ocean74]

I have been holding a grudge against a relative for about 10 years:nono: and I just feel I need to forgive her. I've prayed about it but I just can't let it go and I really do feel it's holding me back in life...I speak to her but I just can't be around her for long bc I start having flashbacks and my entire attitude change for the worse...

I don't like that feeling... Any advice will be appreciated.

Thanks in advance...

[Dark&Lovley]

You have to pray to God and ask him to give you the strenghth to forgive.

How could we ask God to forgive us of our sins and tresspasses if we can't even forgive our fellow man?

We have to be imitators of Jesus Christ, in the model prayer Jesus said, "forgive us our debts as we have also forgiven our debtors. For if you have forgiven men their tresspasses, your heavenly father will also forgive you, wheareas if you do not forgive men their tresspasses, neither will your father forgive your trespasses.

When you get a chance read also Mark 11:25


As imperfect humans, we have many faults. We can never pay back to God the huge debt we have accumulated because of transgressing against him. All we can do is seek his forgiveness.

But there comes a point where we have to move on and forget the past. God forgives us, for we sin everyday, so what makes us better than God if we can't even forgive our own brothers or flesh in blood.

"...I speak to her but I just can't be around her for long bc I start having flashbacks and my entire attitude change for the worse..."


Ocean74 when u pray about something, you have to act in harmony with your prayers because if you don't, you allow time for the Devil to set in. And that grudge can turn into hate and Lord only knows what satan is capable of doing when he sets in. So in other words, you are making Satan happy not God because those are Satan the Devil qualities.

So you have to search and reach deep inside your heart and forgive.

[laCriolla]

I have been holding a grudge against a relative for about 10 years:nono: and I just feel I need to forgive her. I've prayed about it but I just can't let it go and I really do feel it's holding me back in life...I speak to her but I just can't be around her for long bc I start having flashbacks and my entire attitude change for the worse...

I don't like that feeling... Any advice will be appreciated.

Thanks in advance...

this is just my opinion, based on what helped me when I had to forgive someone. it was difficult. and it took a long time.

my advice is to keep praying about it every night.
Give thanks that it's in your heart to forgive right now and ask God to help you forgive her and to release the matter to Him.
keep doing it- every day until the pain is gone.

sometimes it takes years of praying. but that's where faith comes in. just have faith that when it is God's time he will release the feeling from your heart.

you mentioned that you've had this situation for about 10 years. so it may just take that much prayer. but the good thing is you've already decided it's time to forgive. So just keep on praying for God's help in doing that.

in the meantime, when you see her I suggest praying a quick prayer -
"Lord please fill me with the Love you have for (relative) "

remember God loves her, just as much as he loves you! remembering that when you see her may help.

start slow, you may not be able to be around her for long, but inch by inch as you're consistent and try i'm sure it will get better :0)

I hope this helps.

[DreamLife]

I have been dealing with this issue for a while now, and believe me it was holding me back in life. I felt like my prayer were not being answered because of the unforgiveness in my heart that turned into bitterness and a cold and conniving spirit that came upon me. Here's the thread...

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/forums/showthread.php?t=220073

Forgiving those who hurt my heart was one of the most liberating things that I have ever done in my life...and I think unforgiveness can be the one thing that can cripple the spirit the most. Well at least for me.

Matthew 6:14-16 (New International Version)

14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

This scripture really hit me hard.
I will post more later when I get some sleep. I'm always trying to be profound when I'm all half sleep. lol...

[DreamLife]

I have been dealing with this issue for a while now, and believe me it was holding me back in life. I felt like my prayers were not being answered because of the unforgiveness in my heart that turned into bitterness and a cold and conniving spirit that came upon me. Here's the thread...

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/forums/showthread.php?t=220073

Forgiving those who hurt my heart was one of the most liberating things that I have ever done in my life...and I think unforgiveness can be the one thing that can cripple the spirit the most. Well at least for me.

Matthew 6:14-16 (New International Version)

14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

This scripture really hit me hard.
I will post more later when I get some sleep. I'm always trying to be profound when I'm all half sleep. lol...

[DreamLife]

I have been dealing with this issue for a while now, and believe me it was holding me back in life. I felt like my prayers were not being answered because of the unforgiveness in my heart that turned into bitterness and a cold and conniving spirit that came upon me. Here's the thread...

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/forums/showthread.php?t=220073

Forgiving those who hurt my heart was one of the most liberating things that I have ever done in my life...and I think unforgiveness can be the one thing that can cripple the spirit the most. Well at least for me.

Matthew 6:14-16 (New International Version)

14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

This scripture really hit me hard.
I will post more later when I get some sleep. I'm always trying to be profound when I'm all half sleep. lol...

[Ms.Honey]

I'd just keep saying I forgive her over and over as many times as necessary until it becomes true. I've had to do that with folks I didn't want to even think about let alone forgive and pray for but forced myself to forgive them.

Don't worry about forgiving them for them but for Christ's sake. For all the things He's forgiven you for, do this thing for Him.

[Shimmie]

It starts with 'Desire' and a 'Willing Heart'. It's a very hard call upon someone who has been deeply injured...deeply scarred; deeply betrayed. Especially when they have to live with the unavoidable circumstances of being wronged. Some hurts go deep...very deep; a broken heart, with a hurt so deep, which seems that it can never be healed. :sad:

A woman whose husband has cheated; her husband's mistress gets pregnant. An unavoidable circumstance.

Someone who was injured in an accident and having to live with the injuries and the loss their quality of life.

The loss of money by theft or other means.

So many factors in this life fall into the difficulty of forgiving. And that's when the 'Desire' to forgive comes into necessity; A willing heart that chooses to let it go and move on.

We all have this to encounter in life. We all have something in our lives which asks of our forgiveness. And it will always begin with a willing heart. We can pray until Jesus comes, but our heart has to be willing to allow the prayers to be answered to forgive.

[gn1g]

I think unforgiveness is a huge barrier, that keeps one from moving forward. I have had to deal with this a few times and it's never easy but one thing that did work for me in the past was to sit down and write a letter to the person and in the end I sympathize with the person cause people only do what they know to do, and cause I believe that God takes everything that was meant for my bad and turns it around for my good. So actually whatever wrong people do to you propels you into your destiny.

I forgive them so I can MOVE ON! I got stuff to do while I am in the earth no time for bitterness, resentment or hatred.

[hairlove]

This is a good topic but I have a question...

All we have to do with God is confess our sin, ask him for forgiveness and he forgives us.

I read something recently (from a Christian) that said that us "confessing" our sin is the first part of forgiveness.

And so..."all this talk" about forgiving people is not exactly "right" because those people have not confessed to us or asked us for forgiveness. In other words, how can we forgive someone who has not admitted any wrongdoing or asked to be forgiven?

I think he has a good point. Yet, not sure if something was missing.

Curious to know the viewpoints considering this topic. If the OP is having a hard time forgiving someone - maybe it's b/c the "offender" has not admitted any wrongdoing and hasn't even asked for forgiveness.

See - I am confused. Please help me and OP. :)

ETA: If the offender really didn't do anything wrong (in their eyes), then is "forgiveness" really the right term of what we need to do? Is it maybe something else? Letting it go? Going back and trying to make right? Reconcile? Etc.

I hope you all "get" what I am trying to say.

[hairlove]

I think unforgiveness is a huge barrier, that keeps one from moving forward. I have had to deal with this a few times and it's never easy but one thing that did work for me in the past was to sit down and write a letter to the person and in the end I sympathize with the person cause people only do what they know to do, and cause I believe that God takes everything that was meant for my bad and turns it around for my good. So actually whatever wrong people do to you propels you into your destiny.

I forgive them so I can MOVE ON! I got stuff to do while I am in the earth no time for bitterness, resentment or hatred.

Did you actually send the letter? Or did you just write it for your own benefit? I am toying with this over something also.

[prettyfaceANB]

The Art of Forgiveness....

Unforgiveness comes when we believe someone owes us something. They hurt or betray us so we feel we want to make them pay for our pain. One of the biggest keys to forgiving is releasing that person from owing you anything. Jesus died for our sins without us asking him to do so, He did it from the love in his heart. Alot of times in our forgiveness, we want an apology first or for them to 'act right' after we've forgiven them. It doesnt always happen that way of course.

Another key is patience and time to disconnect the negative emotions with the memories. This can happen by shifting blame from they did this to me to what did I do to contribute to the problem. Upon any acceptance of responsibility, ask yourself what did God want me to learn? Be careful here...because in alot of people's learning they often become very cold and bitter towards the world. God always intends to strengthen us in character and faith through love. In time, as you remind yourself of why you had to go through what you went through (even if you do not completely understand God's methods and thoughts), the negative emotion will turn into rejoicing for revelation about yourself and his goodness.

I hope this makes sense.

[hairlove]

Good point prettyfaceANB - but, how do you even know if, in your situation, you "need" to forgive? What tells you that is what is needed at this time? Maybe you do instead need to focus on yourself - confessing your own sin, etc.

Another thing that kind of confuses me (I should just change my name to Confused Christian! lol) is telling someone "Oh, I forgive you." To me - that is just insulting especially if that person doesn't believe they did anything wrong. Another one is when someone tells you "I'll pray for you." That's also insulting especially when that other person is telling you how horrible you are and end it with "I'll pray for you."

So, how does forgiveness fit in? Have we just lumped everything into this "forgiveness" bucket even if that's not really what needs to be done?

[prettyfaceANB]

If you have any anger, resentment, holding a grudge, attitude toward someone for something they said or did (or didnt say or didnt do), you are in a position that you need to forgive. If you did something to someone that caused them to be upset with you, you need to ask them for forgiveness.

All Christians need to understand that forgiveness if a requirement. Conciliation is not (other subject in itself). Forgiveness is always needed at anytime. You NEED to forgive others because God forgives you for all the hurt you cause from everytime you live your life in an unpleasing manner to Him. There are many parables where Jesus talks about the consequence of an unforgiving heart including hindered prayer, unanswered prayer, and God not forgiving you. Forgiveness is not for the other person, its for you. If you hold any stong negative emotions toward someone, its you who suffer not them.

Ok...now...

True forgiveness starts with confession of sin. When as the Lord to forgive us for any sin we have commited against Him and/or against someone else. When we come to grips with our owe transgression, ask God if there is unforgiveness toward someone in your heart. The Holy Spirit is pretty darn good at recalling people. You duty is to ask God's forgiveness for harboring bitterness. Take steps to detach negative emotions to the memories. Look for the lesson and move on.

Understand that there is a such thing as godly anger. God gets anger, Jesus got anger. Godly anger requires knowing the word/heart of God.

Forgiveness and love is what Jesus is all about. Sins require forgiveness for love to prevail. All wrong doing requires forgiveness but that doesnt always remove consequences or justice.


Good point prettyfaceANB - but, how do you even know if, in your situation, you "need" to forgive? What tells you that is what is needed at this time? Maybe you do instead need to focus on yourself - confessing your own sin, etc.

Another thing that kind of confuses me (I should just change my name to Confused Christian! lol) is telling someone "Oh, I forgive you." To me - that is just insulting especially if that person doesn't believe they did anything wrong. Another one is when someone tells you "I'll pray for you." That's also insulting especially when that other person is telling you how horrible you are and end it with "I'll pray for you."

So, how does forgiveness fit in? Have we just lumped everything into this "forgiveness" bucket even if that's not really what needs to be done?

[hairlove]

I totally get what you are saying - I know forgiveness is a requirement. But I'm still a little confused on how that works.

Yes, we go to God and ask for forgiveness for what we did wrong. Then we have to think about if there is anyone we need to forgive. Ok...got it.

So, then again, I say - well, what then if that person hasn't admitted any wrongdoing or asked us to forgive them. We say to God - I forgive that person - whether or not they asked for it.

On the 1 hand - if that person has asked God for forgiveness for what they did to us (to God or anyone), then us telling God that we forgive them, makes it all clear. God acted as a mediator. (?)

On the other thand - that person has not asked God for forgiveness for what they did to us. We tell God we forgive them anyway. So, does God then just save up that "forgiveness" in his file for when that person does eventually ask for forgiveness?

OR

Is it that yes, it's wrong to harbor resentment, anger, a grudge - so WE have a sin. We must confess that sin of anger and ask for forgiveness. We've done something wrong. So then why would we then go to God and say "God, please forgive THAT person for what they did to me."

And then who's to say someone needs forgiving? Maybe we thought that person did something wrong but in reality, they did not. I know there are easy situations like someone hurts your family. But what about situations/misunderstandings between friends or family?

I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this! :)

[Ramya]

The bible says to stand pray and forgive. God forgiving us has nothing to do with our "worthiness" to be forgiven. It is not a long process for Him. We ask and He does with the condition that we forgive those who have trespassed against us.

You forgiving the other person has nothing to do with that other person. It is about YOU. The other person may not know or care about what they've done to you and even if they did apologize they might not even mean it. So why look to the other person to forgive?

Unforgiveness breeds bitterness and unresolved anger which is a sin. This is why it is so important for us to forgive others. Hebrews 12:14 Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: 15 looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled;

I make forgiveness an event. It is a choice not a feeling. If you wait to get that "I forgive so and so" feeling it will be long too late. The bible says "stand, pray and forgive" and that's what I do. I give myself 24 hours to forgive. I write it down or speak the persons name WHO, the thing they did or said WHAT and WHEN and I pray for THEM and verbally say "I forgive WHO, for WHAT and WHEN.

When I have thoughts that are contrary to what I said, I remind myself that I forgave that person and there will be no roots of bitterness or unresolved anger springing up in my life.

[prettyfaceANB]

Another thing that kind of confuses me (I should just change my name to Confused Christian! lol) is telling someone "Oh, I forgive you." To me - that is just insulting especially if that person doesn't believe they did anything wrong. Another one is when someone tells you "I'll pray for you." That's also insulting especially when that other person is telling you how horrible you are and end it with "I'll pray for you."


Youre right, the method you mentioned above is condescending. This is the art of reconciliation. To forgive someone, you do not have to see or speak to them. Forgiveness is a heart condition. Talk to God about the forgiveness will due. If reconciliation is in order and the person does not believe they did anything wrong, first humble yourself and stop pointing blame. Accept their position and love them anyway. In time, they will either be moved to admit their wrong or never admit it. You're job is to let go and exercise Fruits of the Spirit.

[Ramya]

Also forgiveness does not mean willingly placing yourself back in someone's life. You can forgive and go separate ways.

[hairlove]

Also forgiveness does not mean willingly placing yourself back in someone's life. You can forgive and go separate ways.

You are so right about that!

[foxxymami]

Lately, I've come to realize that I have a huge problem with totally forgiving someone :perplexed

I always think I forgive them, but then I always have flashbacks to things they've said/done and I feel myself get angry/annoyed all over again. That's not really forgiveness.

So, I've been trying to really work on this