Weight and Dating

[Glib Gurl]

Okay, along the lines of the fat and fabulous post I started earlier, I am wondering if those of us who are in the plus-size category (meaning 12+) find that it prevents us from having active dating lives? In my case, I would say yes as I tend to feel very self-concious about my body in front of men. (This totally contradicts what I was saying in the fat and fabulous post, but whatev -- I'm just trying to be real.) I mean, very rarely do we see positive images of full-figured women being portrayed as beautiful . . . so why would a man want a big ol' girl like me???

Am I the only one who has this problem? Also, I'd really like to hear encouragement from those of you who are plus size and find that it doesn't negatively affect your dating life.

Thanks!

GG

[Crackers Phinn]

I'm right there with ya sis.

I have constantly put off joining online dating sites until I lose enough weight to take a cute pic. Well I'm down 55 pounds and I still don't feel ready, but I'm like I gotta quit living for tomorrow and go for what I want cuz there will never be a perfect time or I'll always see a flaw.

Right now I'm writing up my profile, this weekend I'm going to have a friend take some pics and keep it moving. It's time to get this show on the road. :)

[Leslie_C]

I dont think a size 12 is plus unless u are 5 feet tall...Ill even go as far as a 14 looks good on some ppl. It really just depends on your height/build/frame/shape. Sizes #s look different on different people. I mean Ive seen 6's and 8's who were chunky bc their weight was all in the middle. Maybe its all subjective. But at 5'8 and a large frame I was workin a 12 lol. That is actually my goal, though a 10 would be icing on the cake.

To answer your question though, no it didnt affect my dating life at that size. Once I got past a 14/16 into 18s and even they were tight, I think it did bc I lost my confidence. How you feel about yourself shows on the outside. But back then at a 12 to 14 guys would actually comment that they could tell I worked out which I always found funny since I wasnt thin at all. Ive never been a single digit since I was a preteen! lol. No matter how much I dieted or exercised, I couldnt get below a 12. But I always was solid and had a small waist,etc until I really started gaining a lot. I guess its my bottom half...big hips and thighs...but Im chesty too so its not like Im small on the top either. But after getting to my largest with the rolls and all that, Ill gladly accept my toned size 12 body any day of the week. :lol:

[kweenameena]

I dont think a size 12 is plus unless u are 5 feet tall...Ill even go as far as a 14 looks good on some ppl. It really just depends on your height/build/frame/shape. Sizes #s look different on different people. I mean Ive seen 6's and 8's who were chunky bc their weight was all in the middle. Maybe its all subjective. But at 5'8 and a large frame I was workin a 12 lol. That is actually my goal, though a 10 would be icing on the cake.

To answer your question though, no it didnt affect my dating life at that size. Once I got past a 14/16 into 18s and even they were tight, I think it did bc I lost my confidence. How you feel about yourself shows on the outside. But back then at a 12 to 14 guys would actually comment that they could tell I worked out which I always found funny since I wasnt thin at all. Ive never been a single digit since I was a preteen! lol. No matter how much I dieted or exercised, I couldnt get below a 12. But I always was solid and had a small waist,etc until I really started gaining a lot. I guess its my bottom half...big hips and thighs...but Im chesty too so its not like Im small on the top either. But after getting to my largest with the rolls and all that, Ill gladly accept my toned size 12 body any day of the week. :lol:

I feel you on EVERYTHANG you said!!!

I have a friend who is very much a pluz sized chica and when I was thinner she would get WAY more attention than me when we would go out because she had such a big personality to go along with it. I mean when we would go bowling the whole bowling alley would be watching her bend over and roll that ball. Then guys would try and come over and flirt. So girl you better work it, twirk it!!!!!!!!
Shake what cha mama gave ya!!!!!

[sistagrl2004]

I know in reading this site it's hard to believe anyone would be happy being a big girl.. but it's possible. Not saying that you have to be content with being a plus sized woman, but not all are unhappy and depressed as some have insinuated about Monique when she talks about loving her full figured self.

I met my husband when I was size 14/16 and slowly gained up to a size 20. He has NEVER made me feel any less beautiful and I have never put that on myself. He is in very good shape and works out all the time. I just laugh when smaller women give me "the look" and even make open comments at times as to why he's with me. ACTUALLY wondering why he's not with them-he's not even thinking about them. Love is deeper than that!

I was on the brink of death a few years back (completely not weight related). I will never let something that trivial stop me from enjoying life. and Girl don't let the size of you A$$ dictate how you live your life. Right now I have been working out more and eating better basically because I have a cute dress that I used to wear that I don't fit.. It was made for me so there is no getting another one. So that's my motivation. Not so OTHER people can look at me and feel comfortable.. screw them. I've taken my big *** to events, vacations, and even my wedding and felt FABULOUS where ever I've been. I will do that as I go down in weight and when I am at my old size 8/10. Live your life for what it is NOW, Not "When I lose weight I wil__________". If you do that there will ALWAYS be an excuse!

[Radianthealth]

Growing up when I was overweight about a size 14-18. I didn't date. I had low self confidence and when men came on to me I didn't believe that they really wanted me or I thought that they were just going to use me and drop me so my guards were always up. I was quite bitter:perplexed

Anyway I lost about 80lbs and was down to a size 2-6 for about 7 years. I dated and ended up Marrying my husband. Since then I am almost back where I started:mad: so I have been trying to work out and figure out why I have such an abusive relationship with food.

To answer your question, I didn't date because of low self confidence. Men wanted me but I didn't trust them and couldn't see this so called "beauty" that they saw. I see it now:)

[Determined22]

I think Leslie_C mentioned it, its not the size that matters, its the confidence. I've always been a 10/12 because of the way I'm built, and currently I'm a 16 (but losing weight!). My dating life suffered not because I was bigger, but because I was unhappy with my body and the way my clothes fit. But once I got over that, my dating life picked up again.

Ironically, I've noticed that the biggest deterrent to me dating isn't my size, its my education/profession. I'm a chemist, and I meet lots of guys who are somehow intimidated by my profession and educational background. And I'm not one of those people who has to constantly bring it up and throw in folks faces, its just what I do....Anybody else have that same problem? :confused: I'm convinced I'd get more dates if I was working at McDonald's.

[shortfynesse]

I am a size 14 and I'm 5 feet tall. I never had a problem really attracting men but I always felt uncomfortable because I don't feel stylish or I'm worried about covering up the problem areas when I go out to the club or something.
I have a friend however that is size 24 and she has had more men then me. They tell her that they love big women and they love her stomach. I think that a plus size women can have a fabulous dating life. It's all in the confidence you show.

[Ms Red]

Leslie I could have written this post myself girl.

I agree- When I was a size 10 or 12 I thought I looked great. I am 5'7" by the way. People carry weight differently. Now my goal is a size 8 or 10 (b/c of the vanity sizing). I have a long way to go but I will be happy to be able to get 12s, 10s and 8s back into my wardrobe!

A size shouldn't dictate how you feel about yourself but let's be real-- they do. They way I have been gauging my success is:

-Did I eat clean/healthy/stay on-plan today?
-Did I get in cardio and strength training today?
-Did I get enough sleep and water?

This makes me feel like I am accomplishing something.
I dont think a size 12 is plus unless u are 5 feet tall...Ill even go as far as a 14 looks good on some ppl. It really just depends on your height/build/frame/shape. Sizes #s look different on different people. I mean Ive seen 6's and 8's who were chunky bc their weight was all in the middle. Maybe its all subjective. But at 5'8 and a large frame I was workin a 12 lol. That is actually my goal, though a 10 would be icing on the cake.

To answer your question though, no it didnt affect my dating life at that size. Once I got past a 14/16 into 18s and even they were tight, I think it did bc I lost my confidence. How you feel about yourself shows on the outside. But back then at a 12 to 14 guys would actually comment that they could tell I worked out which I always found funny since I wasnt thin at all. Ive never been a single digit since I was a preteen! lol. No matter how much I dieted or exercised, I couldnt get below a 12. But I always was solid and had a small waist,etc until I really started gaining a lot. I guess its my bottom half...big hips and thighs...but Im chesty too so its not like Im small on the top either. But after getting to my largest with the rolls and all that, Ill gladly accept my toned size 12 body any day of the week. :lol:

[glam-]

You know, I do think it is about confidence with your weight. I have been thin and I have been plus, currently plus. 20 lbs ago at a size 18, guys were all over me- but I felt comfortable in my skin and I embraced it and accepted the attention and dated very regularly. Right now I am very uncomfortable with body and I don't feel attractive. I can tell guys are still interested in me and they still look and approach, but in my mind, "I am thinking, why would you want to be with me." I know that is really negative self-talk and I am trying to overcome it by doing the right things- but inside I just don't feel sexy. I don't feel at peace in my body- it feels uncomfortable and too bulky. So, I agree with a lot has that been said- we are our own worst critics and have to love ourselves where we are (at whatever hair length, whatever weight, and with whatever other flaws we see)

[fuchsiastar]

Sistagrl I love your attitude! You better do it! And shake the vultures off your man, I'm glad that he isn't even thinking about them!

Determined22, I have the same issue being an engineer. I found that when I was doing hardcore engineering work people would be very intimidated when it was mentioned....and believe me it wasn't mentioned a lot. Now that I work in business it is less intimidating to people, and my sweetie was with me through grad school and he loves the fact that I am a little smarter than average in some topics. However when I was single and an engineer I would soooo play it down...I know it's not right to dumb down but I would and men felt so much better for it. I would say things like "I just work, it pays the bills" when asked what I did, and coupled it with a coy smile. It worked for the casual meetings and dates that I went on, and eventually I told a few guys who I became serious with. But initially I didn't discuss it and made sure that I had other topics of discussion to fill up the conversation.

[Bunny77]

Sistagrl I love your attitude! You better do it! And shake the vultures off your man, I'm glad that he isn't even thinking about them!

Determined22, I have the same issue being an engineer. I found that when I was doing hardcore engineering work people would be very intimidated when it was mentioned....and believe me it wasn't mentioned a lot. Now that I work in business it is less intimidating to people, and my sweetie was with me through grad school and he loves the fact that I am a little smarter than average in some topics. However when I was single and an engineer I would soooo play it down...I know it's not right to dumb down but I would and men felt so much better for it. I would say things like "I just work, it pays the bills" when asked what I did, and coupled it with a coy smile. It worked for the casual meetings and dates that I went on, and eventually I told a few guys who I became serious with. But initially I didn't discuss it and made sure that I had other topics of discussion to fill up the conversation.

Hi all... I'm not plus-sized, so I can't speak from experience, but I just wanted to chime in to say how it's funny in another thread, a few women are worrying about losing weight because they used to be teased by black folks (men included) for being "skinny."

So that's why I say that we, no matter what size we are, just have to worry about US and f--- what outsiders might think. There are going to be men who won't want you because you're too big, but then there are other men who won't want smaller women because we're too small!

Big men and skinny men never worry about trying to make themselves "better" looking when they want to go out and date women, so why the heck should we be worried about what they think? Go out with your size 2, size 8, size 16, size 22 self and act like you are the baddest woman in the room!

Oh... as for the educational thing... I have worked TOO hard and achieved TOO much to hide what I do just so I can get dates. If a man is intimidated by me and would prefer to date the McDonald's worker, then he can go to McDonald's and find her. I don't brag about what I do, but I'll be DAMNED if I let men make me feel insecure about what I'm doing just because THEY are.

Ladies, ask yourself... do you WANT to date an intimidated man anyway??? And if they supposedly prefer women with lesser education/status, why aren't those women getting married in droves? Last time I checked, they were having problems finding men too!

YOUR education/status was never the problem. The men you were talking to were not the problem. Please don't play that game ladies.

[life_is_great]

I consider myself to be plus sized, I wear a size 16-18. I really let myself go towards the end of my marriage due to being depressed and miserable. Over the past few months I have been trying to take care of myself, going to the gym, taking better care of my skin and actually caring about how I look. I don't have a shortage of dates, I date at least 1-2 times per week. Men approach me now more than they did when I was smaller, although most of the men that I meet like women who are "voluptuous". I think it's all about attitude and sex appeal.

[Bunny77]

I'm a chemist, and I meet lots of guys who are somehow intimidated by my profession and educational background. And I'm not one of those people who has to constantly bring it up and throw in folks faces, its just what I do....Anybody else have that same problem? :confused: I'm convinced I'd get more dates if I was working at McDonald's.

I have had that problem, and I used to be upset about it, but now I'm like, f--- em.

That seems to be my motto these days. I seriously think (and my current interest said this too) that women CARE TOO MUCH WHAT MEN THINK!!! He said that (most) men don't walk around changing their behavior to get a woman... but it's because they NEVER think that good women are few and far between. They always feel that if they miss one, they'll find another pretty soon.

Meanwhile, we get so caught up in each one we meet, thinking there won't be any more like that for a looooong time. And then we start questioning our weight, whether we should talk about our jobs, our hair, etc., etc....

We need to take more of a man's mindset about this... we're letting them dictate too much of our confidence and esteem.

Okay, let me stop... I'm getting fired up!

[bLackButtaFly]

I agree with what other ladies are saying on the board. I was a size 14 brink of a 16 through highschool. When I went to college I was determined not to get the freshman 15 and ended up gaining 20. I had 1-2 dates every week. Then I found Michael Thurmond's six week body make over and lost 40 lbs in a summer. I started working out and just feeling really good, and more people asked me out. Then I graduated gained about 10 extra pounds, and found and really great guy, but I let myself get lost in the relationship, and I lost all things that made me me. Now that I'm healing over that loss, I've been able to get back to the gym, lost the 10 pounds and then some and am at a weight I haven't been since middle school. But it's not about that. I feel good, and I'm not dating right now, but I am reclaiming me. And that is attractive to men. Guys approach me, but I'm not ready yet, but I know it's the way I feel about me that makes a difference. Heck when I was 14 I thought I was the s*** and Losing weight made me lose some of that confidence, but slowly you can get that back. So more power to sisters here trying to be comfortable, and confident in your own skin. Keep up the good work:)!!

[Leslie_C]

I consider myself to be plus sized, I wear a size 16-18. I really let myself go towards the end of my marriage due to being depressed and miserable. Over the past few months I have been trying to take care of myself, going to the gym, taking better care of my skin and actually caring about how I look. I don't have a shortage of dates, I date at least 1-2 times per week. Men approach me now more than they did when I was smaller, although most of the men that I meet like women who are "voluptuous". I think it's all about attitude and sex appeal.

U are onto something. I wouldnt really say I have the attitude but Ive had friends who I consider much prettier than me say that they cant put their finger on what it is, but I have tremendous "sex appeal" and they always see guys checking me out when we are together. Its more prominent when I feel good about myself though and thats usually at a size 14 or less. I dont notice most of the time, or if I do I act like I dont bc Im a little shy. More of that lack of confidence thing...I shy away from attention most of the time. At the most Ill smile and keep on walking...I was never good at flirting :lol:

[Leslie_C]

I think Leslie_C mentioned it, its not the size that matters, its the confidence. I've always been a 10/12 because of the way I'm built, and currently I'm a 16 (but losing weight!). My dating life suffered not because I was bigger, but because I was unhappy with my body and the way my clothes fit. But once I got over that, my dating life picked up again.

Ironically, I've noticed that the biggest deterrent to me dating isn't my size, its my education/profession. I'm a chemist, and I meet lots of guys who are somehow intimidated by my profession and educational background. And I'm not one of those people who has to constantly bring it up and throw in folks faces, its just what I do....Anybody else have that same problem? :confused: I'm convinced I'd get more dates if I was working at McDonald's.

That is so cool that you are a chemist. What type of work do u do exactly? Im just a nurse and get it for that, so I can only imagine being a chemist....thats intense. Ill be hitting u up to tutor me in chemistry when I have to take it for my BSN lol. Im considering going on to be a nurse practitioner so the fellas better watch out. If they cant handle it, its their problem though. If a man isnt secure enough in his manhood to have a woman who makes more money or who is smarter/more educated...then obviously he is lacking something in the first place. My boyfriend says more power to me and that at least one of us is successful lol. He just got out of the military and is still trying to get his ish together so he is a work in progress. Im being as patient as possible bc he is a great guy and we mesh so well.

BTW, there is a young black professionals group that meets up once a month...u should check it out. I went once and it was at the blue martini, but I didnt really mingle lol.

[Glib Gurl]

Thank you ladies for your responses! I find it very encouraging -- I am a size 22 and have pretty low confidence; so, I also have no dates. Even when somebody steps to me, I think they have some sort of ulterior motive. But I am working hard to get in shape, take better care of myself and be THAT girl . . . so that has helped alot.

Edited to add - Also, as you can see from my little siggy, I also wear glasses. That detracts from my "sexy" as well :lol

[Radianthealth]

Thank you ladies for your responses! I find it very encouraging -- I am a size 22 and have pretty low confidence; so, I also have no dates. Even when somebody steps to me, I think they have some sort of ulterior motive. But I am working hard to get in shape, take better care of myself and be THAT girl . . . so that has helped alot.

Edited to add - Also, as you can see from my little siggy, I also wear glasses. That detracts from my "sexy" as well :lol

This site has plenty of tips on how to become better looking, smarter, more spiritual, etc...My problem is spending enought time off line so that I can exercise, read, and pray:look:

[JFemme]

This site has plenty of tips on how to become better looking, smarter, more spiritual, etc...My problem is spending enought time off line so that I can exercise, read, and pray:look:

Sure does... inner confidence is soooo key...!!!

I think all you ladies are beautiful from the inside out...;)

OT~& trimbride...:look: I'm waiting on a pic ova in that 'um' other thread...:look: