Ladies in relationships: Cut your men some slack!!!

Ladies, if you are in a relationship with a great man who is good to you, cut him some slack. He means well.

I know some of you are confused since I've been on my soapbox about not accepting bad behavior from men. Let me explain. There's a difference between a man showing his behind with you during week 2 and a man making a mistake week 86. A man who is in a COMMITTED relationship with you is not the same as a random guy you've been out with 4 times. When you are in the early stages of dating, the goal should be getting to know the man…understanding him and who he is as a person, assessing what you can contribute to his life and deciding what type of interactions you want to have with him. If you observe that he is not treating you well, you gently guide him in the right direction…if he cannot meet you at your level, you move on. If he can, you continue and possibly forge a friendship or a romantic relationship.

Once the relationship has begun and is being watered and nurtured, you have to be aware of several things. I'm not saying that just because the two of you are together, he can wild out and treat you like crap, but I am saying that in the commitment, he has CHOSEN you. Pause for a moment and think about that. Out of all the women he could be with and all of the other things he could be doing, he has chosen to be in a committed relationship with YOU…to love YOU…to put up with YOU…to understand YOU. Ladies, that's a gift.

Understand that your man's love language may be different from yours and that does NOT make his wrong!!! I had to learn this lesson the hard way, and I did a lot of damage to a relationship in the process. I had these preconceived notions of what my man should do to express his love to me…part of it came from past relationships and part of it came from my own ideas. The problem was that doing that put unnecessary and unreasonable parameters on the man in my life…he was not really free to BE his loving self because I had not done enough work to understand HIM, how he thinks, and how he expresses himself. I'm sure it was alienating, but that wasn't my intent.

It wasn't until I dealt with several other men and spent some special time with my dad that I realized that LOVE can be communicated in a lot of different ways and there isn't a right or wrong answer when a man is expressing himself to a woman. The unyielding devotion and affection of a man is a beautiful thing, and sometimes, men have less than romantic ways of saying "I love you".

Being able to come to this realization has made me feel LOVE after the fact. My dad came and got my car and took care of my check engine light/smog stuff. Ordinarily, I wouldn't have seen any love in that…I would have assumed he was just doing it just because. But honestly, what other motivation would he have to make that sacrifice and do that for me? He LOVES me…and so, he gives me his time and attention and he does kind things for me.

Likewise, I had a man who used to do some of the most LOVING things ever…I didn't realize it at the time, but he was a very tender-hearted and loving person. I have been able to see love in friendships as well…people don't act out of randomness…they DO things out of fear or love…and when someone does something for you out of love, criticizing is the worst thing you can do. I figured this out once I was able to put myself in their shoes…I don't want to be criticized if I'm trying…and I realized that the man in my life doesn't either.

Ladies, understand that your man means well. He doesn't WANT to piss you off (most of the time). Men are not all that bright when it comes to women and what we want…they just don't get it sometimes. We have to help them!!!! If your man is doing something to upset you, TELL HIM! Don't tell Keisha, Sheena, and yo' momma'nem…they can't do anything about it, and half the time, your man is CLUELESS that he's upset you. Do NOT attack him, but calmly and clearly explain to him WHY you're upset. OWN your emotions and take complete responsibility for them, but let him know what's going on with you. More often than not, he'll work to fix it, if not out of respect for you and the relationship, then because you cared enough to talk to him about it in a diplomatic way.

You get more flies with honey than vinegar so be aware that when you talk to him, your TONE, your nonverbal language and your words are all working together to communicate a message. Little things matter: don't stand while he sits…sit with him and look him in his eyes. Don't raise your voice…it's not necessary and he's more likely to shut down if you're yelling. Don't use words like "always" or "never"…because you're probably generalizing and that will make him feel like he can't solve the problem and make you happy. Don't force him to talk…sometimes men need alone time to sort through their thoughts and emotions – let him come to you when he's ready. Don't be vague or play guessing games…imagine how frustrating it is to try to get to the bottom of something when the other person won't just come out and say what's wrong.

There's more to that, but you get the idea. Help him out! He loves you and likes to put a smile on your face. He wants to retain your respect and admiration, and he doesn't walk around plotting on ways to piss you off. As a matter of fact, that's why a lot of men simply leave a woman alone…if they feel like you'll never be satisfied with anything they do or if they feel like you're not making an effort to understand them and help them understand you, they will just abandon the mission of loving you altogether.

So next time you're ready to chop his head off, ask yourself if you truly believe that he MEANT to piss you off…and then ask yourself how you would feel if he approached YOU the way you're about to approach him. Ladies, you can not expect a man to be your verbal punching bag and then shower you with attention and affection. Men have FEELINGS the same way we do…they want to feel loved, wanted, and appreciated. So, even if you're upset with him, there's a respectful and tactful way to speak to him. You have to preserve the foundation of respect, honesty, and integrity in the relationship because once it's lost, it's almost impossible to recover.

If you've been mean and abrasive with your man, APOLOGIZE!!! Being right no matter what is not cute. Decide whether you want to be happy or be right. You will NOT always be able to have both. Relationships are about compromise and give and take so if you believe that a man's job is to spend his entire existence catering to your whims then you will NOT be happy for long…because your man will be miserable, even if he never speaks on it. Learn to admit when you're wrong and when you simply need to shutup. Men are not always the brightest crayons in the box, but sometimes, they ARE right. As women, we can get caught up with wanting to talk until Jesus comes back about issues that are either not that deep or when we're plain ol' wrong. I know because I've been guilty of this. It wasn't until I got some help for my perfectionism that I was able to release that need and be imperfect while giving people in my life room to do the same. What I've observed is BETTER interactions with men overall, and that I get what I want more often than not because I am more concerned with RESPECT and RESOLUTION than being right.

If you're in a relationship or marriage, do something special for your man today…even if he's pissed you off. Committed ladies, write a letter to your man today telling him how you feel about him and what he means to you. Plan something cool for him…buy him tickets to his favorite sporting event or give him the latest gadget he's had his eye on. Married ladies, send your husband some steamy text messages and then plan a romantic evening for the two of you. Make his favorite meal and then give him some good lovin' after dinner. Look him in his eyes and tell him how wonderful he is to you and what the marriage means to you.

Ladies are notorious for wanting to be swept off of our feet, but men like to be spoiled too. Remember that he's the ally and not the enemy in life.

Again, I speak from experience.

Later.