Co-Ed Breakup Advice
Posted 07-16-2010 at 02:22 PM by Divine Inspiration
So, a good friend of mine (male) wrote an article for Essence.com on breaking up and how women can do it successfully. Based on my feelings about some of the questionable advice I've seen in Essence and other mags, I jumped when he asked me to help him write it. So, I thought I'd share some of the conclusions/reflections we came up with and get your thoughts on how you've gotten through BIG breakups and what advice you think women need to hear about surviving them.
In no particular order...
Anytime a man says he’s no good or he doesn’t deserve you, believe him.
Your intuition is your protective guide. It’s always right. Always.
Exacting revenge never makes you feel quite as good as you thought it would so leave it to God.
Don’t try to heal, change, love, or support a mentally or emotionally ill man. That’s God’s job.
Commitment and action are the only remedies to transgressions. Without them, a permanent breakup is in order.
Believe what you see in the beginning. How things begin is often how they end.
Take responsibility for yourself, your life and your feelings and know that you can chart your destiny, with or without him.
Get good at saying you’re sorry, but be careful not to overuse it.
Anytime you have to hide a relationship from friends and family, you don’t need to be in a relationship.
Being uncomfortable and lonely with your self-esteem is better than a failing relationship any day.
Friendship is based on trust, just like a romantic relationship. If the relationship ended because of a lack of trust or a breach of trust, there can be no real friendship until the offending party changes.
Men don’t speak English or any other intelligible language. They speak ACTION.
You are responsible for you and your feelings. He didn’t “make†you feel any kind of way or do anything. Own your stuff.
Your partner reveals things to you – especially during a break up. Run towards it, not away from it.
It’s ok to feel out of sorts – the break up you is not the real you. You are in a transition and therefore are a being in limbo until you heal.
There are only 4 reasons your relationship could have failed: You didn’t have clarity about something at the onset (who you are, what you want, what you’re about, who he is, what he’s about, what he wants). You did not tell the truth or the truth was not told to you. You settled or did not show up in the relationship in an authentic way. You operated from fear. No matter how complicated your situation seems, it can be reduced to something simple and accepting that powerful yet simple idea empowers you in future relationships of every kind.
Discard or return his things. No ifs ands or buts. You're setting yourself up for failure if you don't at least put them away for 3 months.
Don’t judge your feelings or yourself for having them. What you resist persists. You are human, and that is good. You are entitled to any feeling so long as you only choose to act in manners that are constructive and respectful.
Every relationship you have is a reflection of a space that you’re in – if you don’t like it, change it.
You are already loved unconditionally. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you’ll stop hoping someone else will do it.
Staying busy addresses the symptom and not the cause. Feeling your way through it prepares you for a better relationship.
You are not what happened to you. Separate the end of the relationship from your personal identity.
Commit to healing and moving on. Time does not heal all woulds - choices do.
Don’t fear leaping – fear being pushed off the ledge.
-Lisa Nicole Bell & Jonathan Sprinkles
P.S. I'll post the article whenever it goes live.
In no particular order...
Anytime a man says he’s no good or he doesn’t deserve you, believe him.
Your intuition is your protective guide. It’s always right. Always.
Exacting revenge never makes you feel quite as good as you thought it would so leave it to God.
Don’t try to heal, change, love, or support a mentally or emotionally ill man. That’s God’s job.
Commitment and action are the only remedies to transgressions. Without them, a permanent breakup is in order.
Believe what you see in the beginning. How things begin is often how they end.
Take responsibility for yourself, your life and your feelings and know that you can chart your destiny, with or without him.
Get good at saying you’re sorry, but be careful not to overuse it.
Anytime you have to hide a relationship from friends and family, you don’t need to be in a relationship.
Being uncomfortable and lonely with your self-esteem is better than a failing relationship any day.
Friendship is based on trust, just like a romantic relationship. If the relationship ended because of a lack of trust or a breach of trust, there can be no real friendship until the offending party changes.
Men don’t speak English or any other intelligible language. They speak ACTION.
You are responsible for you and your feelings. He didn’t “make†you feel any kind of way or do anything. Own your stuff.
Your partner reveals things to you – especially during a break up. Run towards it, not away from it.
It’s ok to feel out of sorts – the break up you is not the real you. You are in a transition and therefore are a being in limbo until you heal.
There are only 4 reasons your relationship could have failed: You didn’t have clarity about something at the onset (who you are, what you want, what you’re about, who he is, what he’s about, what he wants). You did not tell the truth or the truth was not told to you. You settled or did not show up in the relationship in an authentic way. You operated from fear. No matter how complicated your situation seems, it can be reduced to something simple and accepting that powerful yet simple idea empowers you in future relationships of every kind.
Discard or return his things. No ifs ands or buts. You're setting yourself up for failure if you don't at least put them away for 3 months.
Don’t judge your feelings or yourself for having them. What you resist persists. You are human, and that is good. You are entitled to any feeling so long as you only choose to act in manners that are constructive and respectful.
Every relationship you have is a reflection of a space that you’re in – if you don’t like it, change it.
You are already loved unconditionally. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you’ll stop hoping someone else will do it.
Staying busy addresses the symptom and not the cause. Feeling your way through it prepares you for a better relationship.
You are not what happened to you. Separate the end of the relationship from your personal identity.
Commit to healing and moving on. Time does not heal all woulds - choices do.
Don’t fear leaping – fear being pushed off the ledge.
-Lisa Nicole Bell & Jonathan Sprinkles
P.S. I'll post the article whenever it goes live.
Total Comments 14
Comments
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Excellent and wise advice!Posted 07-16-2010 at 02:36 PM by JustKiya 
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Ooh I love this! I'm going to print this out!
Posted 07-16-2010 at 02:40 PM by SimpleKomplexity
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I like the idea of nonpartisan feedback...:)
eg: male and female input as a cooperative...Posted 07-16-2010 at 03:45 PM by kayte
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This is great advice!
Posted 07-16-2010 at 03:47 PM by angelc
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I needed to read this TODAY more than you know.
THANK YOU
Posted 07-16-2010 at 03:54 PM by Ms Red
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Bou did I ever need this today.Posted 07-16-2010 at 04:23 PM by Mandy4610
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I need this too. ThanksPosted 07-16-2010 at 04:40 PM by MissGee
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Those are excellent points. I'm glad that Essence finally has some sensible people helping their readership rather than the garbage that many of those "advice" columns spout.
Posted 07-16-2010 at 05:28 PM by naijamerican
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loving this...thanks so muchPosted 07-16-2010 at 06:49 PM by southerncitygirl
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Wow!!! This is an excellent piece DI. Where have you been? I think I have seen you PBS commercial-was it you?
Posted 07-16-2010 at 08:47 PM by bgsix
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Hey bgsix!!!
I've been crazy productive - traveling, career stuff, life. And yes, that is me in the PBS commercial.Posted 07-16-2010 at 10:33 PM by Divine Inspiration
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good stuffPosted 07-16-2010 at 11:20 PM by Mena
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Excellent advice!!!
Posted 07-17-2010 at 05:41 PM by Highly Favored8
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That's wonderful!!Quote:Originally Posted by Divine Inspiration
Hey bgsix!!!
I've been crazy productive - traveling, career stuff, life. And yes, that is me in the PBS commercial.
Hope to see you more of you. The family was watching tv together and I yelled out in excitement "I know that woman!" (dh & dd giving me the side-eye) that's DI from my hair board & they laugh at me cause they think I am obessed with LHCF & pretending to know someone on tv.Posted 07-20-2010 at 03:11 PM by bgsix
