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View Full Version : My Confession: Scared to be Affectionate/Intimate


PaperClip
12-06-2006, 11:41 AM
Ok... so I'm telling the truth so I can be set free....

I think I now recognize that I have issues with being affectionate toward other people. I mean something as simple as at church for example, and the pastor will say "hug your neighbor".... I CRINGE! I've been trying to figure out where this withdrawal happened....

I remember as a young child getting affection from my parents but then after a time, it stopped.

My parents are not that affectionate in public.

I do not have any memories of being touched inappropriately. I was taught to speak up about such things.

I do love to hug and kiss babies and children all the time. They seem to give and receive such affection without hesitation! :)

I also recognize that this withdrawal of affection has affected my relationship with the Lord. I had quite a rough summer with the Lord and church and I'm just starting to deal with some things and on the way to getting out of the horrible pit, but I just don't feel the love and passion and affection for the Lord like I used to a LONG time ago.

I am open about my desire to be married, which would require me to be spiritually as well as physically affectionate and intimate with a man. But then I ask myself this: how can I be affectionate with a man when I can't even be affectionate/intimate with my Lord and Savior?

Are affection and intimacy the same things? How are they related?

A new year (and a new birthday for me) is coming within the next couple of weeks. I do not want to go into 2007 the same way that I left 2006. I desperately need some change and some progression in my life.

I am putting this very personal thing out on the message board to confess this openly.... I am not necessarily saying that I'm looking for advice but I'm just putting it out here openly in the hope that the help will come to me in the ways and means that I can recognize the help so I can receive it.

Thank you in advance for your listening eyes....

cocoberry10
12-06-2006, 04:46 PM
Ok... so I'm telling the truth so I can be set free....

I think I now recognize that I have issues with being affectionate toward other people. I mean something as simple as at church for example, and the pastor will say "hug your neighbor".... I CRINGE! I've been trying to figure out where this withdrawal happened....

I remember as a young child getting affection from my parents but then after a time, it stopped.

My parents are not that affectionate in public.

I do not have any memories of being touched inappropriately. I was taught to speak up about such things.

I do love to hug and kiss babies and children all the time. They seem to give and receive such affection without hesitation! :)

I also recognize that this withdrawal of affection has affected my relationship with the Lord. I had quite a rough summer with the Lord and church and I'm just starting to deal with some things and on the way to getting out of the horrible pit, but I just don't feel the love and passion and affection for the Lord like I used to a LONG time ago.

I am open about my desire to be married, which would require me to be spiritually as well as physically affectionate and intimate with a man. But then I ask myself this: how can I be affectionate with a man when I can't even be affectionate/intimate with my Lord and Savior?

Are affection and intimacy the same things? How are they related?

A new year (and a new birthday for me) is coming within the next couple of weeks. I do not want to go into 2007 the same way that I left 2006. I desperately need some change and some progression in my life.

I am putting this very personal thing out on the message board to confess this openly.... I am not necessarily saying that I'm looking for advice but I'm just putting it out here openly in the hope that the help will come to me in the ways and means that I can recognize the help so I can receive it.

Thank you in advance for your listening eyes....

Congratulations and Praise God that you have been open and honest about something important. I can admit that I have also struggled on some level in this area. Like you, I have 2 loving parents who hugged and kissed me as a child. I also saw my parents hug and kiss, and I was never sexually abused or touched inappropriately.

It's ironic that you should mention this, because I find with many (but not all) women who are virgins/celibate for long periods of time (like us) that in many cases those women do struggle with intimacy. And it's not just because they aren't having sex (since we aren't supposed to be unless married :) ).

However, like you said, you must first have intimacy with God. And to get a certain amount of intimacy takes vulnerability and honesty. I have learned to be brutally honest with God, even if I think He won't like what I am thinking, because it's the only way to get closer. However, God can take everything from us, and I think He appreciates honesty, so He can show us why He's God.

In a physical marriage between you and your husband, you will have to communicate, and sometimes you will have to be really brutally honest. However, intimacy also takes vulnerability, which is a difficult thing to do. Being vulnerable (both to God and to a man) can be scary, b/c you can possibly set yourself up for being hurt/disappointed. Hurt is as much a part of life as joy, and sometimes your husband will hurt or disappoint you (as you will him).

I've started to try to open myself up more with people. Affection doesn't require just kissing. It can start with smiling at a stranger. Smile at a man you see on the street, and do so with at least five. Those are small ways you can be affectionate. Over time, it will get easier. At least I think so.

ritzbitz78
12-09-2006, 10:36 PM
Thanks for sharing Ms. RR...

Explore it a little bit more deeply. Is it the fact you have to touch someone you don't know in church during hug time? Or is it the physical sensation of a human touching you that makes you cringe?

My college roommate used to tell me that she is going to give her husband a high five on her honeymoon!:lachen: She hated being touched, hugged, kissed, caressed, backrubs made her cringe, they did not relax her. (I am the complete opposite) Anywayz, we tortured my poor roommate by having "sensory integration" sessions. About 6 of us would pile on top of her and hug and squeeze her (appropriately) After many "sessions" dedicated to help her overcome her distaste.... I am glad to announce to you today that: she is married, the first out of the bunch of us.... And she still hates physical contact... with anyone other than her husband.. She loves hugs, kisses, orgasms, with her husband, and she is glowing.... But if you come to her crying and bawling and in need of comfort, she will give you a handshake (with a grimace) to comfort you.

I love her to death! And she is who she is, and you are who you are. (She has a close relationship with the Lord, and still hates to be touched)

I am telling you this so you won't be worried too much about it. I would give you a "sensory integration" session to if you were close enough. And like her would probably scream for help, and run for cover once I released you. The sensory integration wouldn't be to change who you are, but let you know you are a wonderful person just the way you are;)

hopeful
12-10-2006, 01:23 AM
I agree with what cocoberry said about being vulnerable. I notice that I become especially close to God and to my husband at my most vulnerable times. Being vulnerable can also make you feel weak. You can get past this though, pray about it and take baby steps. You were very brave to admit this.

PaperClip
12-10-2006, 08:13 AM
Thanks for sharing Ms. RR...

Explore it a little bit more deeply. Is it the fact you have to touch someone you don't know in church during hug time? Or is it the physical sensation of a human touching you that makes you cringe?

My college roommate used to tell me that she is going to give her husband a high five on her honeymoon!:lachen: She hated being touched, hugged, kissed, caressed, backrubs made her cringe, they did not relax her. (I am the complete opposite) Anywayz, we tortured my poor roommate by having "sensory integration" sessions. About 6 of us would pile on top of her and hug and squeeze her (appropriately) After many "sessions" dedicated to help her overcome her distaste.... I am glad to announce to you today that: she is married, the first out of the bunch of us.... And she still hates physical contact... with anyone other than her husband.. She loves hugs, kisses, orgasms, with her husband, and she is glowing.... But if you come to her crying and bawling and in need of comfort, she will give you a handshake (with a grimace) to comfort you.

I love her to death! And she is who she is, and you are who you are. (She has a close relationship with the Lord, and still hates to be touched)

I am telling you this so you won't be worried too much about it. I would give you a "sensory integration" session to if you were close enough. And like her would probably scream for help, and run for cover once I released you. The sensory integration wouldn't be to change who you are, but let you know you are a wonderful person just the way you are;)

It is more of touching somebody I do not know. It's not that I hate to be touched, but it's like I don't feel safe or relaxed to touch because I haven't been touched in a long time like that.

I have had a couple of people who I know who have given those "sensory integration sessions" (that's so cute!) and those people I do hug easily. I am somewhat a leader in my church, so I have been "faking it until I make it" for a long time. You know it's like you can't necessarily turn down a hug as to not hurt anybody's feelings. I don't want to do that.

PaperClip
12-10-2006, 08:15 AM
I agree with what cocoberry said about being vulnerable. I notice that I become especially close to God and to my husband at my most vulnerable times. Being vulnerable can also make you feel weak. You can get past this though, pray about it and take baby steps. You were very brave to admit this.

Cocoberry and Hopeful, I appreciate your responses. I've been praying and asking the Lord to open my heart to Him and to show me how to do this. It doesn't feel like anything is happening.

Proudpiscean
12-10-2006, 03:26 PM
I can relate to what you are saying RR. I have never been the touchy/feely type either :lol:
I never thought anything was wrong with that :look:

Deluxe
12-10-2006, 05:03 PM
I am not that affectionate with other people outside of my made nuclear family. I have come to realize that not hugging people makes them feel unloved or like something is wrong. So, I am practicing hugging others more, it is just so hard. I really don't know why it is?

firecracker
12-10-2006, 05:18 PM
I'm glad you released that from within. Affection and intimacy isn't quite the same. Not everyone is the touchy feely type so don't feel bad. Continue to pray and work dilegently since this is something you want to overcome. You will because God is so merciful and gracious. I'm a hugger but not a kisser. :lol: